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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

My husband doesn’t want a baby and I’m pregnant

108 replies

Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 10:22

I have one son, always wanted another
But after the years going by and my husband saying , we can’t afford it, we’re in the middle of moving or renovating , let’s pay our mortgage off first etc.
there was always a reason not too.
I stopped talking about it completely and tried to move on,
All my friends starting their family’s, it was a little sad but I was still so happy for them and still never mentioned it.
One morning I needed the morning after pill, I needed to drive to get it so called him to let him know, I asked should I get it, he said it’s up to me.
I took it and then was pegging washing out and had a text that my friend who had been trying for ages had another miscarriage, I was a little upset for her and was trying to send messages of support.
My husband came over to me and asked if I was ok, I said yes.
Then he said that he had been thinking about things and that we are in the perfect place to have another baby, and he would like to start trying ,
It was out of the blue..
so no more protection, folic acid , ovulation tests the whole Sha bang
I asked him a couple of months ago if he still felt the same because I thought he was avoiding sex because I was ovulating. But he said definitely not that he loves me and he was just tired.
My friend told me at Christmas that she was finally pregnant and 4 months along , I told her and the rest of my friends we were trying .
I found out I was pregnant, I told my two closes friends, I’d planned to tell my husband when he came home from work, so I went out and brought a little baby vest, and put it on the bed with the two test on it.
I showed my husband and he looked angry,
I asked him if he was happy and he said it is what it is!
I asked him for a hug, had a cold hug and then went down stairs to finish packing for a weekend holiday.
He said he felt too old being 36 to do it again, that I’m not being realistic that it’s going to be easy,
That our life’s are not far off perfect,
Bottom line he didn’t want it.
He said he didn’t think it would happen naturally and he said all those things to make me happy at the time.
I’m devastated
(I’m 35, he’s 37. Mortgage free, plenty of room, no financial problems whatsoever, he had problems in his 20s that said would effect fertility)
I’ve / we’ve agreed to have an abortion pill Monday
I don’t know what to say to him, we’re away on holiday with our son and I’ve told him not to mention it at all.
I don’t know what to say to him when I get home.

OP posts:
TiddleyWink · 19/03/2022 12:45

What your husband has done to you is borderline evil, no exaggeration. It’s messing with you physically and psychologically in the most disgusting way. I could never look at him the same never mind remain married to him.

Keep your baby and remove this utter cretin from your life. It’s quite possible you will never fully recover mentally if you have a termination when you want the baby. You will absolutely recover from your marriage ending.

I’m willing to bet there’s more too. Someone who is capable of this isn’t going to be a nice kind husband the rest of the time.

Mistressiggi · 19/03/2022 12:47

There is no such thing as "we've decided to have an abortion" - he does not get to make this decision for you.
How reckless he is. The fact he lied to you and played you along about wanting a baby (thinking it wouldn't happen) is enough to leave him for on this own, I couldn't look at him.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2022 12:51

Your husband is completely unreasonable.

Keep the baby. Chuck the husband.

If you abort this baby, you will never forgive him and the marriage will break anyway

StrictlySinging · 19/03/2022 12:54

Cold feet is probably not unusual in these circumstances, some trepidation …. Panic even etc.

Best not to rush to action until the news has settled at least.

Xx

tcjotm · 19/03/2022 12:54

If you want to keep your baby, keep your baby. It sounds like you’re in a good place financially. Get rid of him, he’s being incredibly cruel.

Porfre · 19/03/2022 12:59

I think you're relationship is finished anyway after the way hes treated you.

The only decision is whether you want to keep your baby or not. And it's your decision only. Dont let him pressurise you.

NowEvenBetter · 19/03/2022 13:01

Your marriage will be dead either way, so do what you want, as a PP said, would you rather be a single parent of one kid or two? Your husband deliberately impregnating you and then trying to get you to abort is psychopath behaviour.

Ellie56 · 19/03/2022 13:03

@Mazz1986

Don't abort a much wanted baby.You may never get over it or forgive yourself.

After this the relationship with your arsehole of a DH is probably over anyway.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2022 13:09

Its up to him what he does. Its also up to you what you do. If you dont want to take these pills then DON'T. There is no reason for him to be acting this way when he agreed to a baby. Lets hope its just an initial bad reaction to the news.

Puddlelane123 · 19/03/2022 13:12

I never usually comment on these threads OP, but I feel compelled to in your case. Please do not terminate a much wanted and tried-for pregnancy because of the abusive behaviour demonstrated by your husband. I worry that you will forever regret it, and I have seen too many of these men miraculously change their mind on further children when they enter into their next relationships.

Whatever you decide in respect to your pregnancy, I would end the relationship. You deserve so much more than a life spent with someone who can treat you with such cruelty and play with your emotions like this.

SpilltheTea · 19/03/2022 13:17

Keep the baby
Bin the shitty husband.
He has shown absolutely no consideration or respect for your feelings or your body.

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 19/03/2022 13:19

For fuck’s sake. Terminate the relationship and keep the baby. What kind of idiot makes the decision to actively TTC on the basis it won’t work and will shut up his wife and if it goes wrong he’ll just force her to have an abortion. Your husband is an utter bastard.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/03/2022 13:21

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

For fuck’s sake. Terminate the relationship and keep the baby. What kind of idiot makes the decision to actively TTC on the basis it won’t work and will shut up his wife and if it goes wrong he’ll just force her to have an abortion. Your husband is an utter bastard.
This. So sorry op
GrimDamnFanjo · 19/03/2022 13:23

This makes me awfully sad.
Don't make a snap decision. You have some time to think and plan.
You both decided to try for a baby. This is not your fault.

What makes him a good husband and father?

nixon1976 · 19/03/2022 13:24

"I never usually comment on these threads OP, but I feel compelled to in your case. Please do not terminate a much wanted and tried-for pregnancy because of the abusive behaviour demonstrated by your husband. I worry that you will forever regret it, and I have seen too many of these men miraculously change their mind on further children when they enter into their next relationships.

Whatever you decide in respect to your pregnancy, I would end the relationship. You deserve so much more than a life spent with someone who can treat you with such cruelty and play with your emotions like this."

This

Somanymistakes · 19/03/2022 13:26

Do not have the abortion on Monday.

At the very least take a week or two to think about this and have some pregnancy choice counselling - I think BPAS offer this.

But my feeling is that you should have the baby. You desperately want one and you've felt that way for awhile.

What your husband did was spiteful and selfish. Gave you hope then when you get pregnant changes his mind and expects you to terminate your baby as if it were a trifling problem. He's cruel and someone like that is not a good partner or parent. You DO NOT have a termination "as a couple". WE'VE decided have a termination isn't a thing. This is your body and your choice.

His logic is also very odd. You sound in the ideal place to have a baby - far more financially secure than most. As for your ages, my ex-DH was 46 and 52 when we had ours. Having kids is the only thing he doesn't regret I think. Could there be another reason he is changing his mind? Is the marriage in a good place? Do you trust him? Because his argument doesn't make sense.

You won't get over this betrayal. You marriage will never be the same, and the trust will not exist. Whether you have the baby or not, my guess is you will be a single mother in the near future. And you know what? That's absolutely fine. Because you are better off without someone so deceptive and selfish in your life. Someone who wants you to end this pregnancy on a whim and says he was only pretending to want it.

You will manage
It will be hard. It will get better.
You will be fine in the end.

But if you want this baby then have it. Better to be a single mum of two wanted babies than a single mum of one who desperately regrets a termination that was for the sake of a marriage which didn't survive.

I promise. You can do this on your own. You might not even need to. He might come round and be happy and you can have some couples therapy and work through this. But there will be no working through if you terminate when you want this baby.

For what it's worth I am 100% pro-choice and now a single mum of two kids with special needs with no family around to help - I learned to ask friends if I really needed a hand. You will manage.

Have the baby if you want it.
Consider if you want to terminate your marriage instead.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/03/2022 13:27

He’s led you right down the garden path hasn’t he? I wouldn’t abort in these circumstances.

Somanymistakes · 19/03/2022 13:29

And I'm sending you much love and strength.

You must feel like your world has fallen apart but it hasn't.
You can get through thisThanks

ScrollingLeaves · 19/03/2022 13:29

“I don’t know what to say to him when I get home.“

How will you feel if you abort this baby under these circumstances?

astoundedgoat · 19/03/2022 13:35

What he has done is so cruel that I don’t think I could ever forgive him. He has carelessly used your body as a tool to manipulate you. I know I haven’t phrased that quite right, but I hope you see what I mean.

Keep your much wanted baby and get rid of him. With no mortgage on the house you’ll get a good chunk of capital to move on without him and his cruel mind games.

Lady0racle · 19/03/2022 13:36

How dare he treat you like this? He agreed to TTC. What on Earth did he think would happen??

He behaviour is entirely unacceptable. I know it’s easy to say, but I’d leave him and keep the baby. Would you honestly be able to look at him with affection ever again if you aborted a wanted baby because he decided it didn’t suit him?

coffeeiwish · 19/03/2022 13:39

@astoundedgoat

What he has done is so cruel that I don’t think I could ever forgive him. He has carelessly used your body as a tool to manipulate you. I know I haven’t phrased that quite right, but I hope you see what I mean.

Keep your much wanted baby and get rid of him. With no mortgage on the house you’ll get a good chunk of capital to move on without him and his cruel mind games.

This.

Honestly OP this sounds like the definition of coercive control/reproductive coercion. Can you seek help from a counselling service locally?

Please do not terminate the pregnancy when you don't want to! Either way put this man in the bin, you are worth so much more!

Lorw · 19/03/2022 13:44

I guarantee if you terminate your marriage will end anyways, you will resent him for manipulating you into doing something you don’t want to do any the marriage will fall apart…

My advice, if you don’t want to abort, please don’t, get rid of the husband instead ❤️

LBFseBrom · 19/03/2022 13:46

I am sorry, Mazz. Sounds like your husband is panicking. That often happens but they usually calm down. Of course he is not too old to be a father again, that's just how he felt in the moment.

Don't be pushed into anything you might well regret. You're the one who will be going through pregnancy, giving birth and probably doing the lion's share so it must be your decision whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.

I'd love to say, "Congratulations", but will wait and see what you do, or don't do. I hope your husband comes round to the idea of having a new baby - soon. x

DelphiniumBlue · 19/03/2022 13:53

How pregnant are you? I mean how many weeks? Do you have time to think about it for a bit?
It's possible that DH has got cold feet temporarily and will come round- how was he when you got pregnant with your son?
I'm also wondering how much you have discussed this - how was it agreed that you would take the abortion pill? Did you say you were not happy to do so, are you quietly going along with what he wants?
Hopefully you are not scared of his reaction if you say that you do not want to abort the pregnancy. I wouldn't think in terms of "him or the baby" at this point, it might not come to that. It certainly does seem off for him to say another child would be great, have unprotected sex with you and then say he didn't mean it. It could just mean he's scared. The reasons that he's previously given don't make sense, you are financially secure, he's still relatively young, you've already made the change from couple to family....what is he actually worried about? I think it's worth digging deeper, and keep talking.