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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

My husband doesn’t want a baby and I’m pregnant

108 replies

Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 10:22

I have one son, always wanted another
But after the years going by and my husband saying , we can’t afford it, we’re in the middle of moving or renovating , let’s pay our mortgage off first etc.
there was always a reason not too.
I stopped talking about it completely and tried to move on,
All my friends starting their family’s, it was a little sad but I was still so happy for them and still never mentioned it.
One morning I needed the morning after pill, I needed to drive to get it so called him to let him know, I asked should I get it, he said it’s up to me.
I took it and then was pegging washing out and had a text that my friend who had been trying for ages had another miscarriage, I was a little upset for her and was trying to send messages of support.
My husband came over to me and asked if I was ok, I said yes.
Then he said that he had been thinking about things and that we are in the perfect place to have another baby, and he would like to start trying ,
It was out of the blue..
so no more protection, folic acid , ovulation tests the whole Sha bang
I asked him a couple of months ago if he still felt the same because I thought he was avoiding sex because I was ovulating. But he said definitely not that he loves me and he was just tired.
My friend told me at Christmas that she was finally pregnant and 4 months along , I told her and the rest of my friends we were trying .
I found out I was pregnant, I told my two closes friends, I’d planned to tell my husband when he came home from work, so I went out and brought a little baby vest, and put it on the bed with the two test on it.
I showed my husband and he looked angry,
I asked him if he was happy and he said it is what it is!
I asked him for a hug, had a cold hug and then went down stairs to finish packing for a weekend holiday.
He said he felt too old being 36 to do it again, that I’m not being realistic that it’s going to be easy,
That our life’s are not far off perfect,
Bottom line he didn’t want it.
He said he didn’t think it would happen naturally and he said all those things to make me happy at the time.
I’m devastated
(I’m 35, he’s 37. Mortgage free, plenty of room, no financial problems whatsoever, he had problems in his 20s that said would effect fertility)
I’ve / we’ve agreed to have an abortion pill Monday
I don’t know what to say to him, we’re away on holiday with our son and I’ve told him not to mention it at all.
I don’t know what to say to him when I get home.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2022 13:54

Please get some counselling first. Flowers

Chloemol · 19/03/2022 13:56

You have to decide what you want, and to me that’s the baby, so go on with pregnancy

Each of you are going to be unhappy, him if you go ahead and you if you don’t, but either may the marriage may not survive as resentment festers

In this case you were told by your husband you wanted another he has sex with you knowing what the outcome could be, so you need to be happy, keep the baby, and he can accept the consequences of his actions in this

IheartJKRowling · 19/03/2022 13:57

I feel sorry for you being married to a man who is so dense he didn't realise unprotected sex can result in pregnancy.

I'm a firm believer in choice so I would choose to lose your dickhead of a husband.

isthismylifenow · 19/03/2022 14:16

How far pregnant are you and how long have you known?

Can I ask why your friends pregnancy is so important to you? Do you think your husbands change of heart after her loss was affecting this thoughts?

You say we have decided on a termination. How much if the 'we' is your input and how much is his. I think you need more time to make a decision OP.

Rno3gfr · 19/03/2022 14:20

Don’t have an abortion for a baby you want and he agreed to try for!!

It’s absolutely disgusting that he lead you on like that. Pretending to ‘try’ for a baby and then dare suggest an abortion when you actually do get pregnant! I would divorce him over this kind of betrayal. What a selfish twat.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 19/03/2022 14:21

Keep the baby, ditch him.
He sounds nasty and manipulative.

Casmama · 19/03/2022 14:32

What an utter cunt!
I don't know what sort of games he is playing but it wouldn't surprise me if there is more to this for him.
I think you would massively regret getting an abortion and you shouldn't have to. Your husband will either give his head a wobble and get over some unexpected nerves or he won't but if he doesn't I'm not sure you could forgive him anyway.
So sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best.

LargeInCharge · 19/03/2022 14:45

What he’s done is despicable.

If he said “No, sorry I don’t want any more children” then fair enough but to deceive you, to raise your hopes to have another child, to let you prepare yourself for a much wanted pregnancy then tell you he was lying and thought you wouldn’t conceive. Just horrible.

As mentioned I’d hold off and give yourself time to process this and decide what you want for yourself and your pregnancy.

WutheringCripes · 19/03/2022 14:57

I don't know if you've ever terminated a pregnancy before, but I can tell you that having an abortion when you don't want one is no joke. It is traumatising. And under your circumstances it is going to be even worse because it is totally feasible to have this child that you want.

What your husband has done is absolutely despicable, it shows absolutely no respect for you or for the life that he willingly created.

If anyone needs to suck it up, it's him. Not you.

I could not forgive him. But we all have our choices to make. Just make sure you are giving yourself equal weighting in decision making, I don't know why his say goes.

7eleven · 19/03/2022 14:59

Please don’t have an abortion on Monday.

CoreyTaylorisHot · 19/03/2022 15:06

If you continue with pregnancy (he'll prob change his mind and love the baby etc and he's scared) or could go the other way.
If you terminate the pregnancy you will forever resent him.
I would give him both options, either he ends the marriage because your pregnant or the marriage is over because he wants to terminate.
You both have been having unprotected sex and ttc.
I'm so sorry OP I could never forgive someone for this betrayal.

Sweepingeyelashes · 19/03/2022 15:11

Your husband must be quite peculiar if the thinks that having unprotected sex with a 35 year old woman will not lead to pregnancy. I can't get over him bullying you into a termination because of his failure to grasp basic biology. Please think about what you want and don't get rushed into making a decision. I don't think this termination will save your marriage given your husband's behaviour. What else might he be lying about?

Wallywobbles · 19/03/2022 15:22

My ExH did this to me at 13 weeks the day after I told my boss (who was weirdly delighted and emailed 200 members of my colleagues).

I said if he wanted me to make a choice he wouldn't like the result. I was 33. He did the same the second time round. Suffice to say I have 2 amazing DDs and he is still a dick.

Butterfly44 · 19/03/2022 15:23

What do you want. Do you want another child yourself? Did you ever plan a sibling for your other child? There's never a good time, but age is against a woman if you do want one later down the line, and how long is he holding out for? Don't do something for someone else, do it for you. Think of how much you love your child, parent love is something else.

Bootothegoose · 19/03/2022 15:25

He's a grown man. He knows what happens when you have unprotected sex. He is treating you appallingly.

Tell him how you feel and how he responds is really the mark of the man. He is bullying you into having this abortion when it is clear you don't want to. Continuing or ending this pregnancy is YOUR decision.

How is your marriage on the whole, OP? I really wouldn't be able to forgive this. Is this the first time anything like this has happened?

Calandor · 19/03/2022 15:30

Your husband lied to you to make you think he was doing a lovely thing without meaning the words he said. I'd be very very angry at him.

He's also thick as a doorstop if he thought it was impossible you'd get pregnant at just 36 years old.

I'd be keeping my baby, but I'd be very very upset with my deceitful liar of a husband

KELLOGSspeck · 19/03/2022 15:32

@Goldbar

Would you prefer to be a single mother of 2 or a single mother of 1?

Your husband has treated you appallingly and at some point you will find your anger and the relationship will be over.

This is the only question you need to ask yourself OP.

Personally being mortgage free at your age is an absolute dream. I would keep my baby

Good luck OP on your choice x

Original poster
Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 15:52

Our marriage as a whole is great,
Our son is 16, and we have been married 15 years
He has obviously said he will support me , and said he’s in shock about the whole thing, and “gutted” he said he feels too old, and said he wanted to retire and was looking at holiday homes, and we are in the middle of building a house too
He’s an excellent husband and father but always has worked too much,
He had an awful childhood where there was never food in the home, never went on a holiday, when I had my son he said he would never have the life he had as a child , he was never hands on when my son was newborn and worried about everything.
He’s devastated about this, he says the world is an awful place now and magnifies everything
We are away on holidays now, coming home on Monday.,
I feel like if I choose to keep it , He will resent me and if I don’t I will hate him for it.
I can’t talk to anyone about it,
I told one of my Quantity survivors and they were shock by my husband response but also says how much he adores me, I’m lost
I’m 2-3 weeks, I don’t want to wait much longer

OP posts:
Holskey · 19/03/2022 16:00

Definitely not cheating is he? I'm not saying there's much evidence of it, but I would want an explanation for the change of heart, avoiding sex, anger etc

Butterfly44 · 19/03/2022 16:09

The question is did you always plan or want more than one child? 15 years is a big age gap but then you are both young enough to do it all again if that's what you want.

Pippbean · 19/03/2022 16:18

This is appalling. Your husband is totally in the wrong. Take some time to think things through. It's your body, your choice.

Topseyt · 19/03/2022 16:30

I would be totally unable to get over this. I would be divorcing the husband and keeping the baby.

It doesn't matter what the reasons are, he has treated you appallingly. He needs to feel the consequences of that.

Orchidsonthetable · 19/03/2022 16:35

Personally I think that’s an unforgivable deception. I don’t think I could come back from someone treating me so very badly and over something so important. What a piece of shit he is

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 19/03/2022 16:39

As everyone has said, your husband is a prick. I wouldn't be able to get past this personally and either way our relationship would be over. Take him out of the equation and decide whether you want your baby x

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2022 16:45

You have to do what’s right for YOU.