HELP! Found out I’m pregnant but don’t like the father

[Bec0303]

Hello everyone!

I’m desperate for some help with my situation. I know you can’t exactly advise but I’d love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any words of wisdom. I just need to figure this out and I’m so so torn.

I’m 32, have my own flat in a lovely area and a good job. I have a loving and supportive family very close to me, and a twin sister a 1 year old, and a new baby due in 2 weeks.

I’ve been dating a guy I met on a dating site for a couple of months but he started to annoy the hell out of me, and I properly got the ick, so I broke it off. I genuinely got to the point where I couldn't stand him. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, he is SO supportive. He is intelligent, kind & understanding. He is desperate to give it another go but I just don’t feel anything for me him and I can’t fake it. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel and he is supportive of either keeping or seeking a termination and wants me to make the decision for me. He has said that if I do keep it he wants 50% custody and wants to be heavily involved. Which, I know it shouldn't and I know I should be thankful for his support, but it fills me with terror because it means Im tied to him!

I am SO torn and have changed my mind so many times. On one hand, the clock is ticking, he’s a great guy and I know he’d be supportive. On the other, I don’t want to be tied to someone I don’t want to be with for eternity. But is a selfish reason enough of a reason to terminate a pregnancy?

Please please help me x

Hi all - just looking to vent here so be prepared for a long one!!

The father and I have been arguing all week about how it would work, he claims to be ‘kind’ and ‘supportive’ but I’ve seen a different side of him this week and his actual words were ‘I’m not signing off on less that 50/50!!!’ Like its a transaction not a baby He’s backed me into a corner, saying it’s my choice but its all on his fucking terms.

Last night he did a complete 180 and thinks we should terminate. He bombarded me with a million reasons. Like he would be miserable because he’d have to move closer to me to get 50/50 and he’d have to change jobs and be further away from his family. So his mental health would suffer. He said I’m clearly used to getting my own way (not the case, AT ALL) and accused me of all sorts. I said I agreed with him in my head that a termination is right but Im worried for my own mental health and if I’ll cope. I’ve already been taking Prozac for several years and whilst Im pretty certain of the decision I don’t want it to fck me up. His response ‘you’ll be fine’ ‘you don't want a child that will make your mental health worse’.

Ive got the consultation booked with bpas next week and just want it done.

Ughhhh

OP he’s an absolute textbook controlling bastard. That’s very obvious to anyone looking in from the outside.

Stop engaging with him. You don’t need his input into whether you should have a termination or whether you “will be fine”

Block him for now. You need space to work through your own thoughts and feelings

Go to your appointment and talk it through with them.

Xpost with @SudokuZebra.

He’s an absolute joke telling you that he won’t “sign off” 😂 does he think this is a business transaction. He clearly does. This child is a property purchase for him.

I rarely say this because I'm very very pro choice and feel that a woman is perfectly capable of making their own decisions .... but ... if I were you, I'd terminate.

This 'man' is not someone you want to have any ties to. You might be lucky and he might do a disappearing act, but he might not.

I fear for your mental health more if you have to keep dealing with him.

Agree you should block him for now, get some space and talk to BPAS.

He will make your life hell for the next 18 years. Good luck whatever you decide

Whilst it’s true that 50/50 is just not going to happen from birth, he will get contact from birth (probably visiting baby at your house to begin with) and this guy, I can assure you, he will never give up on building it up to 50/50. He really is going to make the rest of your life horrible if you choose to have a baby with him. Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve to have a wonderful parenting experience. You can’t have that with him.

Hi OP,

I’ve name changed to comment on this thread as I’ve been in a very, very similar situation.

I was dating a guy from OLD for a few months. It felt lovely and care free. We were having a fabulous time and then I found out I was pregnant. Looking back at dates retrospectively I realised I’d fallen pregnant the first time we ever had sex, not realising that I’d let my depo injection run out by a couple of weeks.

At the time, I was very emotionally invested in the idea of this baby, and me and the guy from OLD had discussed our future plans for a family, so I was sure it was all going to work out okay.

Very quickly however, I got the ick too and couldn’t stand to have him near me. Everything he said made my skin crawl and I found his support and attempts to care for me almost laughable (in hindsight I think that was probably pregnancy hormones). And it turned out that our previously discussed plans for a future family didn’t actually stand this early in the day. He was very kind and supportive that it was entirely my decision. But he’d also explained to me that his preference was for an abortion since we knew each other so little by this point.

In my case I was living in the Midlands and he was up north. I knew if I kept the baby he’d want to be very involved, and I had the same thoughts as you about how shared care would work, and having to send my baby away to Manchester every week forever, to a man I didn’t really know, and a family I’d never met. I couldn’t do it, tie myself to him forever when we’d only known each other a few months. I felt he deserved the opportunity to cut ties with me as much as I did from him.

It was a really traumatic and difficult decision, but I ultimately ended up having a termination. Pretty much as soon as I’d made the final decision I knew the relationship was over and I gradually ended it.

I do sometimes regret not having the baby, but I don’t regret not being tied to him forever. The due date was xmas day and for a few years afterwards he’d message me on Xmas day to say he hoped I was okay and that everything was going well for me (I was fine). But that tailed off. I think he’s married now but doesn’t have any children.

I was single for quite a while afterwards while I licked my wounds and regrouped, concentrated on my career, etc. I’m in a long term relationship now and we have solid plans for children in the next year or two. I have no doubts about my current partners capacity to parent or care for us.

I'm so sorry OP.
I had a termination once, my mental health is fragile, I thought it would wreck it, it didn't, strangely it gave me a sense of relief. I wasn't bringing a baby into a situation where the dad was awkward and a bit shit. And at 32 you have time to get pregnant again in a happy relationship, so do whatever feels the best option for you

The thing is OP, regardless of when you have a baby or who with it could always end up being the case that you may have to have split custody, people don't usually expect their relationships to end when they decide to have a baby. The question is whether or not you want the right from the start.

At the beginning he wouldn't get 50/50, however, he will be entitled to contact and you need to decide if you would be able to put up with him being around as you will be there (especially if you are BF). He can eventually go through the courts for 50/50 though and unless there's reason not to, he will most likely get it (and to be honest I think rightly so, provided he's a good dad, it is his child too)

You need to decide if this is a man you can have in your life and co parent with for the next 16/18 years. From your last post he sounds like an arsehole, as hard as it may I think in your situation I would terminate

I think your doing the right thing to go to the clinic, don't be tied to a man you didn't even like, unless you have an overwhelming urge to be a mother on your own just terminate and wait for a man you do want to have children with, single motherhood is not easy and you'll be the one doing the juggling with work and childcare, dating anyone else would not be an option for quite a while.
While it is emotional turmoil to go through at the time, coming out the other side you will be grateful to have your life back.

Hope your okay op x

I would be concerned that he wants 50 percent custody. Would that be unsupervised? Has he a body of experience of looking after babies/ toddlers? With the baby in your arms it might get not be good for either you or the baby to be apart from each other 50 percent of the time. It's great he is supportive, and he sounds kind, but I really would urge you to take things slowly with him assuming full fatherly duties, especially as you barely know him, and there may be something about him which is a bit "off" which translated to giving you the ick. I would be tempted to keep him off the birth certificate and keep the baby with you (with him visiting, and providing assistance on your terms) until you have a strong parental relationship with him, and only then look to formalising things once the child is older with things like custody.

He said he will be annoying and under my feet all the time
Listen to what he’s saying. He’s already telling you he’s going to be a nightmare. You don’t want to be tied to him for the rest of your life. You’ll have him hanging round your neck for 18 years, then you’ll still see him at important life events and eventually share grandchildren with him. He’s never going to stop being a pain in your arse. And until you have a baby you can’t possibly understand how awful it is being separated from them for half of the week. Nobody knowingly wants to enter that situation.

If you really want to keep the baby I’d be inclined to tell him you aborted then move away and disappear to raise your child on your own. But in your shoes I’d abort without a thought.

what did you end up doing? im in a similar situation and dont know what to do. ive known the guy for a while though and hes really excited and supportive but i am young (23) and almost done with school. i dont know if i want to spend my life with him or if i even like him enough to be tied to him for life.

It is not your last chance to have a baby.

My daughters father didn’t want her and wanted me to have a termination she’s 15 now - he’s never ever been involved - but it’s been raising her by myself and it was easy - only my decision.

Ex husband with number 2 is an arsehole we divorced when he was 1. He has some contact - but Jesus it’s bloody dire and he just wants to play x box with him and not parent.

In your situation maybe you want a baby or maybe you don’t but you don’t want one with this man. So don’t have one. You don’t know duck all about him. Have a termination. Regroup and then if you can’t find a suitable partner.

Do ivf and do it alone.

If you do choose to have it - tell him you have terminated. Move away. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and ffs don’t put anything on social media

OLD THREAD ALERT!

HELP! I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and I really don't like the father.

So I knew this guy in middle school, haven't seen him since (were both 24 now.) I have two kids already, and I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship when we regained communication. At the time I was going through a lot, id experienced a bit of homelessness after my daughter's dad and I broke up, I didn't have a job and couldnt keep my duplex. My kids went into dhs briefly while I worked on getting back on my feet. So this guy, said he would help me but I had to be his girlfriend, said he needed the "security" of knowing I was his girlfriend to let me stay with him and find a job and get my own apartment. I was upfront with him from the start that I wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to be with him, but I needed the help because I don't have any family of my own. So I used him, and I told him later, after getting my own place and job that I never wanted to be with him and that I resented him bc he made me date him for his help. But I found out I was pregnant, and I live in a state where abortion is banned now. I cannot stand him, he's immature, has poor hygiene, is such a negative person when it comes to ANYTHING, has bad anger issues, is highly insecure, and is okay with living in filth. He keeps pushing me about "where we're gonna be in 6 months" even though we haven't been together since right before I found out I was pregnant. I don't like him around my kids I already have and definitely don't want him around after I have this baby, even though its most likely his baby too. Dhs didn't even want him around my kids while I was getting them back, which is a red flag for me along with all the other red flags he's shown me. He's supportive and helps me with my bills but always complains about it and pushes my boundaries when he's around me. What should I do? Im really conflicted and just want more people's opinions on this matter.

What is with people bumping old threads to
post on today?
you need to start a new thread if you want advice. Nobody will see this on the end of an old one.

10 weeks pregnant, father has said he wants to be 50/50 custody with baby but not in a relationship with me.
I am gutted as have been excited to continue pregnancy and have the baby, in what I hoped would be a loving relationship, but now I'm worried what the future will look like. I'd also discussed about potential future plans moving closer to family, (this was an idea pre finding out I was pregnant) around 2 hours away which he said he would appeal against in court. I feel like I'm being trapped here with minimal options. I'd never considered termination before but now I'm completely lost.