HELP! Found out I’m pregnant but don’t like the father

[Bec0303]

Hello everyone!

I’m desperate for some help with my situation. I know you can’t exactly advise but I’d love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any words of wisdom. I just need to figure this out and I’m so so torn.

I’m 32, have my own flat in a lovely area and a good job. I have a loving and supportive family very close to me, and a twin sister a 1 year old, and a new baby due in 2 weeks.

I’ve been dating a guy I met on a dating site for a couple of months but he started to annoy the hell out of me, and I properly got the ick, so I broke it off. I genuinely got to the point where I couldn't stand him. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, he is SO supportive. He is intelligent, kind & understanding. He is desperate to give it another go but I just don’t feel anything for me him and I can’t fake it. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel and he is supportive of either keeping or seeking a termination and wants me to make the decision for me. He has said that if I do keep it he wants 50% custody and wants to be heavily involved. Which, I know it shouldn't and I know I should be thankful for his support, but it fills me with terror because it means Im tied to him!

I am SO torn and have changed my mind so many times. On one hand, the clock is ticking, he’s a great guy and I know he’d be supportive. On the other, I don’t want to be tied to someone I don’t want to be with for eternity. But is a selfish reason enough of a reason to terminate a pregnancy?

Please please help me x

What a terrible reason for an abortion. Oh no a man who actually wants to be involved with his baby....

Please don't make any rash decisions.

I totally get everyones point. My problem is that, if we go ahead with it and have the baby, he will eventually have 50/50. I wouldn't be able to take that away from him. I know he would be within his rights to ask for it.

The issue is, can I personally cope with that?! I don’t think I can. I don’t know how people wave goodbye to the child for half of its life and I’ve selfishly still got the choice at the moment to not put myself in that situation. And I know that a selfish reason, but thats all I can think about.

You’ve been dating for 2 months. You barely know each other and he’s annoying you already. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone like him and see him again and again for the next 18 years.

That is clearly not the reason I am considering both options. My reasons are a) I can’t bear the thought of having to had over a child mid week for the next 18 years. I don't believe its a stable enough situation to bring a child into and I dont know if I personally could handle that emotionally. b) I broke up with him for a reason, fully expecting to never see him again. We are such different people and at first it was intriguing, now it’s just a complete barrier to any growth or building on the relationship.

In my opinion, there is no ‘good’ reason for abortion bar a medical reason. I believe any reason at all is valid enough. It is simply an option that is available to me so I am considering it. Abortion is a choice and the decision can be based on any impacting factor.

He sounds hideous. Don’t tie yourself to this controlling man.

It’s okay to say ‘I can’t see myself having a significant relationship with this man for the next 18+ years and I therefore want to terminate’

It’s also okay to say ‘I’d rather have no child then one I have to say goodbye to every 3 days and therefore I want to terminate’

Because, I think if I’m understanding your posts correctly those are the issues condensed down. Like you say, you can’t just make the dad disappear. If you decide to keep the baby, you’d have to find a workable solution with him. If that’s something you don’t want to do, it’s okay to think about all of your options x

Completely your decision OP, you need to do what's right for you.

Personally, in your position I would terminate. I didn't think I would choose to co-parent with someone I couldn't stand.

Dealing with this situation and an unpleasant ex is really hard. I speak from experience. If I could wind back the clock and undo what led to this I would 100%

Not because I'm not prepare for it to be hard for me. It's so tough for the kids.

Does this bloke work? I don’t see how he can have a child 50% of the time.

I’m left slightly open mouthed that someone would be having inadequately protected sex with a person they dislike. Is it fair to bring a child into such an arrangement? Maybe a bit late to be thinking it through with consideration of the child you’ve created, but not too late to begin acting in it’s best interest now.

I’d lean towards abortion. He sounds like he’d be a pita to deal with regularly.

Sorry OP I think you should terminate.

You'll regret being tied to this man.

We're just going to move this thread over to Pregnancy Choices, OP

@LemonRoses

I’m left slightly open mouthed that someone would be having inadequately protected sex with a person they dislike. Is it fair to bring a child into such an arrangement? Maybe a bit late to be thinking it through with consideration of the child you’ve created, but not too late to begin acting in it’s best interest now.

Do fuck off.

Do you really REALLY want to have a child? Forget all the images of cute babies and the rest of it. Do you really, truly want to be a mum, with all that it entails?

But even if the answer is YES, think carefully about whether you really REALLY want to have a child with THIS man. He gives you the ick. He wants 50:50, and he is talking about shared parental responsibility in a way which concerns you.

Do you really REALLY truly want this to be your life?

Other potential fathers are out there...

I know I'm probably going to get lynched for this, but can't you just tell him you lost the baby and then keep him/her?

Basically cut him out. Because let's be honest, he is the problem and he sounds a bit odd. Like, does he even know what babies are like? You can separate a new born baby from their mum half the week, breastfed or not that would be traumatic.

You'll never get rid and he sounds like he's more interested in fulfilling his own agenda (proving to himself that he would be a present father) than considering the needs of the child.

Sorry that was supposed to say CAN'T* not can

@LemonRoses alright, judgey much?

People complaining that a 43 year old childless man has no idea what babies are actually like, well of course he doesn't. Neither does anyone until they have one, including the OP.

I'm tied to my DP despite our own relationship being pretty much gone because neither of us are willing to only see our ten year old half the time. I can't imagine sending a toddler off with what is essentially a stranger to me.

I would terminate in this situation, and I did terminate once many years ago for very similar reasons.

@PlanetTeaTime

I know I'm probably going to get lynched for this, but can't you just tell him you lost the baby and then keep him/her?

Basically cut him out. Because let's be honest, he is the problem and he sounds a bit odd. Like, does he even know what babies are like? You can separate a new born baby from their mum half the week, breastfed or not that would be traumatic.

You'll never get rid and he sounds like he's more interested in fulfilling his own agenda (proving to himself that he would be a present father) than considering the needs of the child.

That would be a terrible thing to do. To the child, even leaving aside the man. Awful.

Terminate OP.

Seriously.

You will get your chance to have your baby with a man you love and want to raise your family with. This isn’t it. Cut all ties with this controlling man. Set yourself free from him.

Do you think he'd want 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?