HELP! Found out I’m pregnant but don’t like the father

[Bec0303]

Hello everyone!

I’m desperate for some help with my situation. I know you can’t exactly advise but I’d love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any words of wisdom. I just need to figure this out and I’m so so torn.

I’m 32, have my own flat in a lovely area and a good job. I have a loving and supportive family very close to me, and a twin sister a 1 year old, and a new baby due in 2 weeks.

I’ve been dating a guy I met on a dating site for a couple of months but he started to annoy the hell out of me, and I properly got the ick, so I broke it off. I genuinely got to the point where I couldn't stand him. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, he is SO supportive. He is intelligent, kind & understanding. He is desperate to give it another go but I just don’t feel anything for me him and I can’t fake it. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel and he is supportive of either keeping or seeking a termination and wants me to make the decision for me. He has said that if I do keep it he wants 50% custody and wants to be heavily involved. Which, I know it shouldn't and I know I should be thankful for his support, but it fills me with terror because it means Im tied to him!

I am SO torn and have changed my mind so many times. On one hand, the clock is ticking, he’s a great guy and I know he’d be supportive. On the other, I don’t want to be tied to someone I don’t want to be with for eternity. But is a selfish reason enough of a reason to terminate a pregnancy?

Please please help me x

I would go for a termination - don't delay so that you can take the pills instead of a surgical method. This baby isn't planned and you wouldn't have planned it.

Bottle fed baby & nights off. Some people have to do that.
Honestly OP only you can make the decision, he seems supportive whatever you choose from what you’ve said here.
He will always be in your life (possibly) you don’t really know until the baby arrives, he may ditch his offer to co-parent/ only do it when it suits.
Is he prepared to pay maintenance, have you spoken about things will work…

He sounds very manipulative actually. It's all about what he wants isn't it. You are not wrong not to want to spend the next 18 years with this dick hanging round your neck. Personally I'd terminate and tell him you had a spontaneous miscarriage because he sounds the sort who will make a big song and dance if you tell him you are going the abortion route.

Tell him you had a termination and then move away. Or say the baby isn't his. I'd do that rather than have an abortion just because I wasn't keen on the father and didn't want him in my life. Its not very ethical but needs must sometimes.

I would absolutely, 100% terminate in your particular situation. You're only 32 and this man is ringing all kinds of alarm bells for me. No way would I be shackled to him for years and years to come.

I am sorry you are in this situation but I don't think the circumstances are right to bring a child into. I totally get that relationships break down but I can't see any good in thinking that this is a nurturing environment for a baby/child.

Do you feel worse about him because of pregnancy hormones? Probably an overly simplistic view but I was ready to kill my very much loved partner in the first trimester.

Just because he wants 50% doesnt mean he will get it, its what is best for the baby not him (or you even). While the baby is very young it will probably need to be with you and he will need to deal with that,

In your shoes I would terminate, then set about using a sperm donor. Trust me - coparenting with someone you like or love ia bloody hard enough. And it will break your heart handing them over. Plus you don’t know this guy - you’ve never lived together! He sounds controlling and manipulative.

50-50 with a baby is just not fair on the baby.

Does he realise that? It’s in the best interests of the child to form a solid attachment with one caregiver and to be primarily with one caregiver to avoid issues as they grow and throughout their lives.

Also what does he mean by 50-50? So often care is shared 50-50 but one parent pays all the additional costs like clothes, extra curricular activities, dentist, hair cuts.

Is your feeling that he is saying 50-50 because he desperately wants to be a dad or because he wants to control you.

I would get his views on the above issues and then talk it out with a neutral third party.
Make a decision you are happy with, which takes into account that he can say whatever he wants but at the end of the day he might walk away and leave it all up to you

I’d take anything he says now with a pinch of salt. I had a baby with a guy I had been very briefly seeing. When I found out I was pregnant, he was really positive, said he’d be supportive, wanted 50/50 everything etc. All the signs pointed to him being a great co-parent, as we weren’t together romantically. She’s 6 weeks old now and I’ve lost track of how many times he’s made me think it would be easier if he wasn’t around at all. I don’t regret having my baby in the slightest, but I would prepare for the reality of being a single parent if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. Don’t stay or get with him because of the pregnancy.

Oh, and I forgot to say that his idea of 50/50 has turned out so far to be visiting his daughter for a couple of hours in the evening during the week and a couple of hours at the weekend. Even that is getting less and less recently - maybe as the novelty wears off. 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for your replies everyone!

His idea of 50/50 is literally, to have the child for 3.5 days a week, every week. I feel like that would be so disruptive to the child but he is insistent (because his own dad abandoned him). I feel its also partly him actively making it difficult because I don’t want to be with him.

I am changing my mind every other second and cannot cope! Im not against termination at all, as its such early stages I feel I’d be able to cope and rationalise it. But on the other hand, I am already imagining a beautiful baby bringing so much joy. Its literally him that is the only issue. I selfishly want it all to be own my own terms and can’t accept that it wont be. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to be the best parent with him actively pestering and purposefully ‘getting under my feet’ (his words, not mine!). It just doesn't seem fair.

I should add he is 10 years older than meand has never been married & has no kids so I can understand why he would want to be such a big part of its life. However, he’s a 43 year old man and I feel he needs to have more respect for how I feel. Am I being totally unreasonable?!

Have you spoken about the 50/50 split OP? You need to tell him it's not ideal. How would he manage to go to work and so on.

He sounds awful. I think having him as your coparent would be very very hard.

Having a child someone you barely know is a recipe for disaster. I definitely would not recommend going ahead with the pregnancy. I had a termination because I didn't want to be tied to someone I didnt really know or like for the rest of my life. It was the right decision. I later had a child with the man of my dreams (my husband) that was the best.
You have to be able to live with your decision, it's personal to you. Good Luck.

No Court will make you hand over a little baby 50/50 (especially as long as you're breastfeeding, or say you are) He can't have the baby for more than a couple of hours IME.
If you want to keep this pregnancy, get some advice from a family lawyer re what is a realistic scenario if you do.
It'll help with your decision.
He sounds very controlling. This is not about what he wants, but what a potential baby needs.

Depends on why you got the ick but also I'd be worried about the fact I don't even know this guy really and he wants 50/50chstody which I wouldn't be happy with. Also does he want the custody or does he want to not pay child maintenance

No I'd have to terminate. You do whatever you need too but I couldn't be tied to someone who gave me the ick and instantly wanted 50/50 before even bonding with the child :S

Blimey, he can’t win can he?! It sounds like he’s been supportive and is interested in doing his fair share. All the men who do nothing rightly get flamed, but when there is one that wants to step up, they also get it in the neck! Imagine if it was the other way round, wouldn’t you want to see your child as much as possible. I don’t think he’s being controlling at all, he just wants to see his child. Obviously it can’t be 50/50 as a baby, but he does deserve to see his child as much as feasible. Imagine being the child and knowing your dad wanted you but your mum wouldn’t let him coparent because of the ‘ick’ factor?!

I feel the dad is getting a bit of an unfair battering on this thread. Just because he’s not right for the OP doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. She said himself he’s ‘kind, intelligent and understanding’. He’s rightly giving the OP full autonomy over her body re: having a termination and he’s obviously desperate to be involved if there is a baby at the end, even if currently it’s a bit misplaced. Jumping to the conclusion that he is punishing you by wanting to be ++hands on is worrying unless he has other form.

Hypothetically if I was you, I’d have a termination. But if there is a a baby at the end I think you would need to seek legal advice as, as others have said, you don’t know this guy at all. Coming to some kind of casual agreement if you both have very different ideas is never going to work. FWIW I agree with you - there is no way 50:50 would be workable with a baby (especially breastfed). But I have no idea long term.

If you decide to keep, can people you trust spend time with him to build up a bigger picture on his character so it’s not all down to you when you are also going through the life changing experience of being pregnant?

Good luck with whatever you decide OP. I feel for you.

@Miliao

Blimey, he can’t win can he?! It sounds like he’s been supportive and is interested in doing his fair share. All the men who do nothing rightly get flamed, but when there is one that wants to step up, they also get it in the neck! Imagine if it was the other way round, wouldn’t you want to see your child as much as possible. I don’t think he’s being controlling at all, he just wants to see his child. Obviously it can’t be 50/50 as a baby, but he does deserve to see his child as much as feasible. Imagine being the child and knowing your dad wanted you but your mum wouldn’t let him coparent because of the ‘ick’ factor?!

This. It’s fine that you’re not into him but he sounds like a decent guy who wants to be a good father. I’d discuss the 50/50 thing with him and point out why it’s not really possible with a newborn. See what he says. If things could get nasty then I’d consider my options, but otherwise a guy who wants to be there for his child wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.

When I'm in early pregnancy, my OH of 8 years gave me the ick. Didn't last. We've got 2 kids together. Happened both times 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

Just from what you’ve said it’s a no from me.

I wouldn’t mind 50/50 once the child is no longer breastfeeding but to tell you that you don’t get to breastfeed your own baby is quite odd. Your baby needs mummy when it’s really little, at least most of the time. I can see that he’s trying, but I’m also not sure he understands how much a tiny baby needs it’s mum. Tell him he can come around and see the baby every single day but newborns needs their mothers end of. Ultimately you are the mother, you’re pregnant, and you gave birth. So he needs to understand that the baby will have an attachment to you that it can’t have with him yet. I’m sure you could work up to a couple of nights and then 50/50 but newborns and young babies genuinely need mum.

Obviously you couldn't start with 50/50 from birth!
It's something to build up to, and not before the child was 2/3 at the earliest.
Personally I would not agree to anything at this stage, other than shared care. The assumption needs to be that baby will be with you most/all of the time to start with and he comes to spend time with baby. He can't imagine he can have baby half the time from birth??