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Original poster

HELP! Found out I’m pregnant but don’t like the father

123 replies

Bec0303 · 24/07/2021 17:40

Hello everyone!

I’m desperate for some help with my situation. I know you can’t exactly advise but I’d love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any words of wisdom. I just need to figure this out and I’m so so torn.

I’m 32, have my own flat in a lovely area and a good job. I have a loving and supportive family very close to me, and a twin sister a 1 year old, and a new baby due in 2 weeks.

I’ve been dating a guy I met on a dating site for a couple of months but he started to annoy the hell out of me, and I properly got the ick, so I broke it off. I genuinely got to the point where I couldn't stand him. A few days later I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, he is SO supportive. He is intelligent, kind & understanding. He is desperate to give it another go but I just don’t feel anything for me him and I can’t fake it. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel and he is supportive of either keeping or seeking a termination and wants me to make the decision for me. He has said that if I do keep it he wants 50% custody and wants to be heavily involved. Which, I know it shouldn't and I know I should be thankful for his support, but it fills me with terror because it means Im tied to him!

I am SO torn and have changed my mind so many times. On one hand, the clock is ticking, he’s a great guy and I know he’d be supportive. On the other, I don’t want to be tied to someone I don’t want to be with for eternity. But is a selfish reason enough of a reason to terminate a pregnancy?

Please please help me x

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 11:04

@pinkyredrose

Do you think he'd want 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?
It’ll be about getting his “fair share” of his belonging (the baby).
MrsBertBibby · 25/07/2021 11:10

His motivation isn't the issue. It's that he thinks this is a reasonable way to be talking about a baby when he isn't even in a relationship with the mother before it is even born.

Shared care can be absolutely the right thing for older kids who were used to living and being cared for by both parents. My view is it's not right at all for infants. I think it is positively harmful.

There are plenty in the family justice system, however, who don't agree.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 25/07/2021 11:21

What rights does a father have if he's not on the birth certificate? Would he have to go on it?
The way I understand it, if it was 50/50, he'd be paying nursery and childcare costs during his time.
He does sound like he could potentially get stalker type behaviour if he doesn't get his way.
Alternatively he might realise that having a child isn't all he thought it would be.
If he has abandonment issues he could certainly be trouble.
A lot to think about @Bec0303. I'm sorry you're in this position Flowers

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/07/2021 11:24

@Skybluepinkgiraffe

What rights does a father have if he's not on the birth certificate? Would he have to go on it? The way I understand it, if it was 50/50, he'd be paying nursery and childcare costs during his time. He does sound like he could potentially get stalker type behaviour if he doesn't get his way. Alternatively he might realise that having a child isn't all he thought it would be. If he has abandonment issues he could certainly be trouble. A lot to think about *@Bec0303*. I'm sorry you're in this position Flowers
A father can easily put himself on the birth certificate by court order so this isn't really an answer to anything and is just likely to make things adversarial and expensive from the start.
Skybluepinkgiraffe · 25/07/2021 11:25

Ah ok, I didnt know if that was the case.

Bluntness100 · 25/07/2021 11:31

@Skybluepinkgiraffe

Ah ok, I didnt know if that was the case.
Yes and lying and trying to alienate a parent is not something that ever works in a mothers favour. Terrible suggestion
Guiltypleasures001 · 25/07/2021 11:31

Surely 50/50 means he doesn't have to pay maintenance, he's got that figured already

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 25/07/2021 11:32

It wasn't a suggestion @Bluntness100. I was just thinking out loud. I don't know what the situation is when the parents of a child aren't together.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 25/07/2021 11:33

@Guiltypleasures001

Surely 50/50 means he doesn't have to pay maintenance, he's got that figured already
But he'd have to pay all costs incurred during the time he had the child, I think? That's what made me wonder if he'd thought it through.
Dogoodfeelgood · 25/07/2021 11:35

You can only decide for you but I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this situation - he sounds pretty weird, insisting he’ll be under your feet etc. He probably also thinks this is a way to get back with you…. Red flags abound.

Notapheasantplucker · 25/07/2021 11:36

I'd terminate in this situation. It could be a long, miserable 18 years for you otherwise.

Dogoodfeelgood · 25/07/2021 11:40

I terminated a pregnancy due to it not being a relationship with a future. I have absolutely no regrets - to me it was very early and a cluster of cells. It was the right choice for us and for the potential of a baby and now I’m with someone more serious and very glad I had the freedom to find him. You only get one life.

MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 11:42

What rights does a father have if he's not on the birth certificate?

It’s not rights that being on the birth certificate give. It’s responsibilities. It’s called parental responsibility. It means this person named on this child’s birth certificate is responsible for ensuring the child’s right to X,Y and Z are being upheld. With regards to contact the child is the one with the rights to appropriate contact with both parents. If one parent feels the child’s right isn’t being upheld properly they can act to ask the courts to enforce it. It’s the responsibility of both parents to ensure the child has appropriate contact with both parents according to the child’s right.

Saidtoomuch · 25/07/2021 11:52

Am I not understanding "ick", or is it a childish, American, ewwww thing?
He's entitled to ask for whatever he wants, but if you are separate from the start and he is a visiting father, then I can't see a court granting 50/50. I thought it was only in cases where a child had grown up with both parents that 50/50 was granted?

JackOfGentleman · 25/07/2021 12:08

I would terminate OP, without a shadow of a doubt. The other option has 'disaster' written all over it, you would never have the freedom to live your life how you wanted to. Imagine having to have him involved with where you live, what school the child should go to, arranging holidays around someone else, having to compromise on where and when you have birthday parties, having to negotiate about attending family events, helping out with childcare when YOU need it, outside of what you've already agreed,
etc., etc.

It's hard because you think he would make a great father, but the reality is that you wouldn't enjoy him being a good father because of the in-depth involvement he wants. You're likely to feel resentment and annoyance most of the time.

I have 2 dds with different fathers and it's been smooth sailing 99% of the time. BUT - apart from the initial splits, I've always got in well with both of them, we're great friends and we have a mutual respect for each other. My dds both have the security of a stable parenting unit, despite us being separated.

I cannot imagine 18 yrs of co-parenting with someone I had no desire ever to speak to again. It's literally a recipe for disaster and I think it would make you miserable.

That said, I'm an outsider with a limited perspective on your situation. Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide.

MrsPsmalls · 25/07/2021 12:08

Children inherit physical appearance, health, mental health, personality traits, tendencies towards addiction, philanthropy etcetera from parents. Which is why we choose to have children with partners who have qualities we respect. Nature biologically is much more important than nurture. so if you can't stand this guy, is he really the person you want to father your child. If it's his big ears or whiney nature you can't stand do you really want to see that in a child?

mrssunshinexxx · 25/07/2021 12:10

No judge in the land will tell you not to breast feed so dad can have baby 50% so I wouldn't worry about that. But it doesn't sound like the best scenario to bring a baby into wait until you are in a loving relationship

ED81 · 25/07/2021 12:15

Oh my. I feel for so you so much.Flowers
What a situation to be in.
Please think so carefully about termination. I’ve been here and the fall out mentally has been huge. I’ve even cried about it today - 4 months after. I’m pro choice but didn’t think I’d ever be in those shoes. I’m so sad and ashamed of what I’ve done. Even though it felt right in that moment. However please also realise some women have a termination and never glance back….

It really is individual.

I can’t recommend some counselling highly enough too. Please seek some talking therapy.

I wish you well.xx

quizqueen · 25/07/2021 12:37

If you want the baby then go ahead, tell him you are not sure who the father is and don't put him on the birth certificate. Personally, I don't believe in abortion just for convenience. It is the taking of a life however much anyone tries to dress it up.

There's another thread about whether someone should apply for maintenance and the bloke doesn't want to pay because he didn't want another child, and the general comments are he should have had a vasectomy then. That applies to women too. If you don't want to risk the chance of pregnancy, then don't have sex,

SunshineCake · 25/07/2021 13:20

You do sound like you want it all your own way and that is unfair and immature so yes, you are being unreasonable.

While he might be unrealistic wanting 50/50 access to his child one can't fault his interest.

I actually think you should have a termination if you aren't willing to allow your child as much time with their father as their mother.

plantmother · 25/07/2021 14:55

All a child needs is love and your baby has two parents so in love with them already! You both seem like great people. Probably more as individuals rather than together but being a single parent and having to do it all by yourself is full on and you may enjoy the rest and help/support! You don't have to be in a relationship with them but as long as he is a good person and will be a good parents that's the main thing?

MotionActivatedDog · 25/07/2021 15:01

All a child needs is love

Well this is simply not true.

gogohm · 25/07/2021 15:09

You need to accept that if you go ahead 50/50 is likely to be the arrangement once beyond 2 years or so, possibly he will get more access than you. Can you live with that? If not is going ahead a good idea?

SheABitSpicyToday · 25/07/2021 15:24

I think your in an incredibly fortunate position to have a man who actively wants to be involved and be a part of his child’s life. The baby isn’t “yours”. It’s not your possession. If you decide to have the baby then it’s the child’s right to spend quality and valuable time with both parents.

BigButtons · 25/07/2021 16:02

In your situation I would terminate. Don’t have child with someone you can’t stand and who is already dictating things to you. Find someone you want to co-parent with and with whom at least you start off having a loving relationship with.