Support for going through a medical abortion completely alone

[Georgie371]

I am just here for some support and hand holding. I am almost 38 and on Sunday I had a positive pregnancy test. I am single and have never been pregnant before. I have a scan today to get my pills for a medical abortion at home. I am terrified.
I know the abortion is the right thing to do (for many different reasons) but I am overwhelmed with guilt - I am terrified that I'll see a heartbeat at the scan. I know it sounds silly but I worry that the 'baby' will feel pain. On the phone consultation on Monday the nurse said I was exactly 5 weeks so I am hoping thats too soon for a heart beat?
I will be taking the meds at home all alone which is frightening, I don't know what I'll do if I see anything in the sanitary pad, I think it will haunt me forever.
I have not told ANYONE about the pregnancy, hence why I'm here hoping for a virtual hug. The only person I could tell is my best friend but she is literally today losing her 3rd attempt at a much wanted IVF baby so there is absolutely no way I could put this on her with the trauma she is already suffering, so I am just going to do this alone in secret. The guilt of aborting a baby when there are so many women out there desperate to conceive is almost unbearable.
Waiting has been the hardest part and I just want it all over now and to carry on with my normal life, I guess I just wanted to come here and speak to women who have done this already and selfishly I want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person and I'm doing the right thing and it won't be horrendous going through this process alone!
X

@Mumfor20 it really is ridiculous especially with the mental and emotional turmoil women go through during this. 5 days I went from discovering I was pregnant to no longer being pregnant, I don't know how I would have coped with it being any longer than that. The hormones alone are enough to drive you crazy. I guess it's Friday tomorrow though so whether a different provider will be able to give you an appointment now before Monday is unlikely. They just need to book you in urgently once you have the consultation unless they are just sending you out the pills next day delivery x

I agree it’s a long time to wait, I had to wait 2 weeks between my first consultation and getting the pills, I know I haven’t taken them yet but I wanted to make sure I had them for when I made the decision in case it took a while, I’m glad I did now too else I’d be just thinking about ringing them now 😐

I’m not saying an abortion is by any means a form of contraception but the whole process would be much less traumatic for women if it was more quickly and easily available similar to getting the morning after pill and people could take it as soon as they got a positive test x

@Georgie371 @Mummyto3GBG

Yeah I’ve certainly totally switched from being strong and ready to being an emotional mess in a matter of days! I definitely think it’s the waiting and the hormones...if I had got it over with this week I’m sure I’d have far less mental issues dealing with it all. It’s like I’m getting use to being pregnant and don’t want to get use to it, I’m not keeping it so just want it over with....every day I’m getting up knowing I’m still pregnant and it’s awful.
I’m also just hoping there’ll send the pills straight out 😩😩 I really don’t want to wait much longer! I’ve had 6 kids so for me being pregnant is normal and this isn’t normal! 😥 I also think the less time your pregnant the quicker it is to get back to feeling normal because there’s less hormones to go, everyday these hormones are building up 😩 I’m also seeing babies on tv and social media and noticing them where I didn’t before. X

Hey @Mumfor20 how are you doing? How did the consultation go? X

@Mumfor20 I wanted to check in about this too! Did you have your appointment?

@Mummyto3GBG how about you sweets, are you still trying to make your decision? X

Hey sorry only just replying @Georgie371. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. I went through with the termination unfortunately the anxiety surrounding another pregnancy and csection with potential complications got the better of me, I felt like i would be selfish to carry on and wouldn’t be putting my children first if I carried on with the pregnancy. Physically it was fine, emotionally not so much. It is all still very raw.

Unfortunately I am now suffering with deep regret and sadness, I feel like a monster and how could I do that. I feel so much shame and disgust in my decision and wish I could turn back the clock but I can’t. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I wanted the baby but I was so worried about another pregnancy/birth and thought I was going to die that I felt I had no other option. Now I feel stupid to think I was going to die and all my worries seem smaller and that everything more than likely would of been ok but I was just too scared to risk it and now I feel selfish for not carrying on, I feel like a horrible person, like I took the easy way out. I feel like I need to be happy for my kids but I don’t deserve to enjoy them. I feel like I want the baby back but I also would still have the anxiety surrounding pregnancy/ csection so I think it’s more I just wish I hadn’t fallen pregnant in the first place so I didn’t have to feel any of these emotions or have to make such a life changing decision like this. I feel like that was my only chance at my 4th baby as I wouldn’t risk getting pregnant on purpose again now after they advised no more due to increased risks which obviously left me in the predicament I was in. I feel sad that I’m never going to have another baby when I had always planned 4 and I keep looking at my kids and thinking there should be one more. But I feel most sad that I terminated my much wanted 4th and who they could of been 😢

And I don’t know how to make myself stop hurting.

@mummyto3GBG changed my username.

Oh bless you - I'm so sorry you feel like that. Virtual hug for you! Have you sought some counselling or help from your gp maybe? Don't forget your full of hormones leaving your body atm aswell so everything feels heightened.

You're right though it's probably more having to have been in the situation in the first place - in that sense I relate. Have you tried writing yourself a letter of all your reasons. I did this after taking the first pill. I've folded it and put it away for if I have a wobble. X

Hi ladies.

I’m struggling with emotions and feeling very empty. I didn’t end up with a choice and had the worst week of my life. In and out of hospital.
Saw the bean (or beans, yes I know massive shock) 3 times in the week and fell in love with the one heartbeat I saw.
Nature decided it wasn’t time for me so In the end I had no choice to make. Which in the circumstances was probably for the best.

I feel horrendous at the moment my body is confused and my head too x