Support for going through a medical abortion completely alone

[Georgie371]

I am just here for some support and hand holding. I am almost 38 and on Sunday I had a positive pregnancy test. I am single and have never been pregnant before. I have a scan today to get my pills for a medical abortion at home. I am terrified.
I know the abortion is the right thing to do (for many different reasons) but I am overwhelmed with guilt - I am terrified that I'll see a heartbeat at the scan. I know it sounds silly but I worry that the 'baby' will feel pain. On the phone consultation on Monday the nurse said I was exactly 5 weeks so I am hoping thats too soon for a heart beat?
I will be taking the meds at home all alone which is frightening, I don't know what I'll do if I see anything in the sanitary pad, I think it will haunt me forever.
I have not told ANYONE about the pregnancy, hence why I'm here hoping for a virtual hug. The only person I could tell is my best friend but she is literally today losing her 3rd attempt at a much wanted IVF baby so there is absolutely no way I could put this on her with the trauma she is already suffering, so I am just going to do this alone in secret. The guilt of aborting a baby when there are so many women out there desperate to conceive is almost unbearable.
Waiting has been the hardest part and I just want it all over now and to carry on with my normal life, I guess I just wanted to come here and speak to women who have done this already and selfishly I want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person and I'm doing the right thing and it won't be horrendous going through this process alone!
X

Hi hope you guys don’t mind me posting. I could really do with some support. I’ve been sat on whether to go through with this pregnancy for 3 weeks now I really don’t want to do it but it’s come to a stage where I feel I’ve left it so long and I need to go through with the termination ASAP. I’m 7weeks 4days. I’ve got the pills but I’m so scared to take them in case I haemorrhage and die. My reason for an abortion is because I already have 3 children by csection and they didn’t recommend I have anymore due to potential for complications main one being with the placenta the placenta can embed in the scar tissue from csection and it’s life threatening (7% die and would almost certainly need hysterectomy/ blood transfusions) - Spoke to a consultant who said I could continue with pregnancy but obviously the risk is there and for me getting this is around 10% and they wouldn’t know till 20 weeks by which point it’s too late....I’ve weighed it up and it just seems too big a risk to take when I have 3 babies at home that need me. So I feel I’m delaying the inevitable now...but I’m petrified of what’s to come, I’m worried I’ll bleed out everywhere, my partner needs to work and I’ll have the kids at home too...I’m worried it also won’t work and I’ve read horror stories online about people have retained tissue and nearly dying.

Will I be ok to do this on my own do you think?

Hi @Mummyto3GBG

I really feel for you, what a tough situation to be in.

Ultimately the choice is yours and everyone's experience is different. When I first googled what would happen I read a lot of horror stories. People tend to post when it goes wrong rather than when it goes ok.

Then I found this place and read a lot of experiences that were just fine.

I can only speak for myself but my experience physically has been more than manageable. I was home alone when I did it. Emotionally was the hard bit. Have you got anyone who can come and help you out for an afternoon with the kids?

Medical abortions, like everything, do come with a small risk but it's weighing that risk up with the risk of what the consultant has already told you if you go ahead with the pregnancy - that's only a decision you can make.

But if you're worried about whether you will cope with doing it at home, from my own experience and what I've read on here you definitely can and the majority of people find it much easier than they were expecting!

There's lots of lovely ladies here that will message you throughout or answer any questions you may have so keep posting if you need support.

Big hug to you, everything is going to be ok x

Thank you, I wish I could carry on and not have the worry of complications but unfortunately the more csections you have the greater risk of complications. It’s just hard because the chances are higher that everything would be ok but I just don’t feel I should be taking the risk with already having 3 young children that rely on me heavily after being told not to have anymore at my previous section, we don’t have family to help either. I wouldn’t of planned to have another knowing these risks and to fall pregnant unplanned and then look into these risks has scared me into a termination. I feel like a bit of a wimp or like I’m taking the easy way out but emotionally I’m going to find this so much harder because I do want the baby. I am at home today with the kids but I’m hopeful my sister will come round tomorrow and the day after to help look after them whilst I do the treatment, I’m worried it won’t work and I’ll end up further along and then I would find it extremely hard. When would you recommend taking the first and second tablets? I’m really angry at myself for not have been able to come to a decision sooner but I felt I needed to weigh it all up and now I feel like I’m leaving it late 😖 thank you for replying I really appreciate it x

@Mummyto3GBG don't feel bad for taking g your time to make the decision! You're still very early on and it's such a huge decision to make that cannot be taken lightly.

Have you talked to any of the counselling services they offer? It might be good to have a chat with someone about it and talk it all through completely. No one can tell you what you should do unfortunately, you just have to weigh up the risks and go from there. What does your partner think? There's a lot of mums on this section in the same position of wanting the baby but not wanting to leave their children motherless should something go wrong. This was not my situation so I don't feel in a position to advise

I took my first pill at 5pm on Thursday and the second pills at 4pm on Friday. It was all over by 9pm and although it was emotionally rough, the physical process was what I was expecting. Like you I was worried about bleeding out (as I live alone) but if anything I am bleeding more heavily yesterday and today (2 days post procedure) but it's just like a heavy period.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you. Take it step by step. Once you've made the actual decision you will feel a little better but you need to do that first as you still sound so unsure but I'm just not qualified enough to help you make that decision. But I'm sending a big virtual hug of support, for whatever decision you make x

Thanks @Georgie371 I think I have made my mind up to be honest although I know I’ll never be 100% content with my decision because of the “what ifs”. If I felt the risks were low enough that I could continue with the pregnancy then I would. My first daughter wasn’t planned and I had no reservations about continuing.

I spoke to the consultant who did my previous section and although she said I shouldn’t have anymore during my last csection she said now it’s happened I don’t have to have a termination but I need to be aware that 3 is the safe upper limit and that the risks do increase quite significantly for a 4th and listed them and the stats as well as the issues I had last time potentially causing further problems. She couldn’t say that I would get these complications or be absolutely fine and the main life threatening one I’m most worried about she wouldn’t be able to tell till 20weeks by which point I’d be past the point of no return (as it would have already happened) but that should it occur we would “cross that bridge when we came to it” and plan for a very high risk csection/ hysterctomy. I’ve spoken to a couple of people who have had this complication and in their words “I’m lucky to be alive”. It sends shudders down my spine to even think I could get this.

Essentially it’s whether or not I’m willing to take the risk. It’s sad because it could all go perfectly but I don’t feel able to risk it. The enormous responsibility I feel for the children i have sends my anxiety levels sky high. Had I have looked at these complications before my last section I would have taken them up on their sterilisation offer as I wouldn’t want to risk another pregnancy. However plenty of other people do risk this and further csections and are fine. I suppose it depends how risk averse people are 🤷‍♀️

I’ve spoken to a councillor who kind of just listened and said what a hard decision this is for me, I think she’ll be more use afterwards to be honest but I don’t know how useful they are tbh. Have you had councilling? Are you at peace with your decision?

My partner couldn’t be more supportive of either decision. Although he had seen our family as complete he wouldn’t want me to regret anything so would be happy to go ahead with the pregnancy if this is what I want however he does not want me putting my life at any risk and as we can’t be sure I would be or not he feels that having a termination is the safest option for me.

I think I might be best doing it in the evening like you, so the kids are in bed and hopefully I’ll sleep and feel better in the morning. When do you take the pregnancy test to check yours has worked? I’m very worried about this part, mustering up the courage to go through with it then the wait to check it’s worked, I’d find it very difficult if it didn’t. 😖

Hi @Mummyto3GBG

This is such an awful situation for you. I know it may seem like empty words but my heart absolutely goes out to you, it really does!

If you have made your decision then it's right to go ahead. It sounds like the things you are scared about now, are nothing compared to the things that could come later and be much worse.

I did not opt for the counselling as I did not think I needed it. I made my decision pretty early on. I had a few hours where I considered what would happen if I continued with the pregnancy but I knew it was not right to bring a baby into the world in my circumstances at the moment. Of course I will never be 100% sure I did the right thing because this could have been my one chance to be a mother but that was not enough reason for me to continue.

I am at peace with my decision and although I wobbled and cried throughout most of it, the waiting time between taking the test and my appointment, then the waiting time between the two sets of pills, were the worst part. As soon as I took the first pill and there was no going back, I felt better because the decision was then out of my hands.

The worry of what would happen during the procedure was so much worse than what actually happened. Of course it was not pleasant, but it was text book and not horrendous or anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although everyone is different.

The nurse told me to take the pregnancy test on 4 weeks although I've seen others on here that were told 2 weeks. However I am pretty confident it has worked as I already no longer feel pregnant and what I 'passed' was full on whole thing rather than what some ladies experienced which was just blood clots.

I am happy to go into much more detail or answer any other questions that you'd like to ask but it's just from my own experience and everyone is different.

If you want some company on here while you're going through it, I can keep checking back here to offer you support and reassurance while you're going through the process. I had two lovely ladies do the same for me and it made it much easier for me as I didn't tell anyone IRL what was happening.

You are stronger than you know and you will get through this, I promise you x

Hi everyone,
I’m new here so I may not know how to work it all properly so please bare with me.
I hope I’d come across this thread topic.
It’s reassured me reading it slightly as some things I’ve read have scared them life out of me online.
I have my BPAS consultation on Monday and I feel sick thinking about it 😞
I’m sorry you all had to experience this but thankful you have shared the experience too for people like me to read.
I am having to hide things and will be going through it without support but trying not to let anyone know....would I be better in the daytime rather than night as it’s more active and everyone will be distracted (by everyone I’m meaning older children etc).
My story is very long and complicated and there is no way I could continue this pregnancy I’m around 5-6 weeks but I feel so overwhelmed.
Will I be able to hide I’m going through it do you think? Pain-wise I’m meaning?
Thank you in advance x

Thanks @Georgie371 i think I am decided although I do feel I will have regrets and what ifs but I just have to keep thinking that the regrets of this won’t be as great as if I was to carry on and something was to go wrong.

It would be great if I have any worries and could ask you if you went through similar during the process. My sister is coming to stay with us for a few days to help me too with the kids mainly,I’m going to chat with her tomorrow about it all before I go ahead.

Hi @Mumfor20 I’ve not started the process yet so I can’t say whether you’d be able to hide it, maybe @Georgie371 can help, she’s been a great help to me. I have the pills and plan to take them in a couple of days if I go ahead so I can tell you then how it goes, I’m a little further along than you so I assume mine will probably be slightly worse x

Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry your going through this difficult time too bless you. @Mummyto3GBG
I have had 3 sections so can completely see the position your In. I think if my situation wasn’t as it is I’d be in the same limbo that your in :(

My situation means I have no choice really, as much as I imagine what he/she would be like I know that the option could put my other children in a situation I don’t want. So this decision is totally based on them. It makes it slightly easier for me but at the same time I’m scared and feel sad about it. But I’m also comfortable it is definitely the right thing to do.
I’m so worried about going through it though and not being able to hide it! I’ve told no one and won’t be doing so I will have to go through this alone but not being able to be on my own if you know what I mean
I hope your find some peace once you’ve made your decision x

@Mumfor20 it’s an awful situation to be in isn’t it 😞 it’s good to know you’ve had 3 sections too so you know the risks of having more. Don’t know if I’m just being overly anxious. I think because we don’t have any help with the kids I already have I feel an overwhelming responsibility for them so if anything was to happen to me or there were complications in pregnancy I’d never forgive myself.

I wish I was sure of my decision like you, I feel it’s the sensible thing to do for the other kids but I also know it’s something I will regret And be sad about because I did want a 4th. However I didn’t realise the risks of another csection and therefore would of checked these before and not gone through with another pregnancy so I guess I just have to think that I would never of had that 4th anyway.

BPAS were really good with me on the phone, hopefully won’t be too long for you. I should have gone through the whole process by Monday so I’ll be able to let you know how it goes. Have they said you need to have a scan?

@Mummyto3GBG aww it really is! It’s hard to Decide between head and heart aswel!
I can completely see the position your in and I would be the same as you and wondering what to do for the best. You seem to be in a position where If it wasn’t for the risks you’d be really happy! I know that is how I would be too if this had happened to me a couple of years ago.
There’s more to it for me though and even if I wanted to I know there’s no way I can go through with it so it’s why my decision is easier to make, not easier to go through as I love being pregnant and having children, but the choice really is not there for me to continue.
It would cause massive problems that I don’t want to involve my children in. 2020 is the worst year I have ever had and I hope 2021 will be a fresh new start.

It seems to be a nice supportive place to go over your decision and I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you and yours and will be looking back in a few weeks relieved either way on your decision (I don’t think any will rule out what ifs there’ll always be there). Maybe over rule your head and heart and go with your gut feeling! I always know if I go with that I’ll never regret my decision for not doing.

They haven’t mentioned a scan just said I’d get a phone call Monday to have my consultation, I have an exact date of when it actually happened so maybe they are just happy to go along with that! Quite scary really thinking others could be unsure but not say and maybe have complications x

Hi @Mumfor20

Welcome to the chat. I'm so sorry you're going through this too! But it's good you can come here and hear good experiences. Not good, but you know what I mean!

Everyone's experience is different but I was 5 weeks and even though i had the 'luxury' of being here alone (which was one of the things that terrified me the most and prompted this post in the first place) I would say with the pain level I had, I'd defo have been able to secretly do it with older kids around. Obviously I wouldn't have coped if I did it then did the weekly shop to Aldi, but at no point was I ever doubled over in pain or writhing around in agony or anything. It was just like bad period pains. The clinic will prob give you codeine which really helped me!

I knew it was the right decision but I still felt desperately sad throughout the whole thing BUT I did feel so much better as soon as I swallowed the first pill and the decision was then out of my hands! I honestly believe that the emotional side of this is so much worse than the physical and most ladies I think would agree with that after it is complete. At first I planned to take the second pills early morning so I had the day to see it play out but I'm actually glad I did it early evening now. It was pretty much over in 5 hours and then I went to bed instead of spending the rest of the day being upset.

You can totally do this my love, and I can keep checking in here on you if you want some company during it. I will answer any question you might have if it can help reassure you. You're stronger than you realise, and you are going to be fine xxx

@Mummyto3GBG I'm glad you'll have your sister for support during the process but yes I'm here for you too if you need me! You are doing something very unselfish for the sake of your kids and you should be proud of yourself. It's scary and you will always wonder 'what if' but you know also that you are guaranteeing you're around for your kids.

It's normal to feel sad about all of this, I feel awful with the situations you're in. If you read this entire thread there were two ladies who helped me through all of it and I'm happy to pay that forward now with you.

I am now 4 days post procedure and I feel fine emotionally. I'm still bleeding but emotionally I feel good. But I think it's common for people to be a bit up and down so I'm ready for that too.

Sending you both massive virtual hugs and will keep checking back here to talk if you want to xxx

@Georgie371
Bless you that so lovely and I would love nothing more than to be able to nip one here for reassurance! But at the same time I don’t expect to take up anyone’s time while there busy, so only if and when your free :) To be honest it’s been a god send to find this thread and to know I’m not alone! Thank you so much for starting it off you don’t realise how valuable it’s been for someone like me to see.
I’m also sorry you had to go through this but it’s great to see your through it and doing ok. As well as can be anyway!
One of the worst things I’m finding is not being able to talk about it and I’ve been very quiet at home, way more than usual and worrying because I’m so consumed in my thoughts everyone will notice.
I feel so reassured by you saying I can probably go through it without being noticed as it was stressing me out so much wondering how I could possibly hide the pain.
I’m hoping it’ll be the beginning to the middle of next week. I just want it over with now so I don’t start to wobble over the decision I know I have to make. I’m quite strong about it at the moment but know once hormones start kicking in more and symptoms that it will become more real.
I’ll be happy to just come out the other side and move on. Although I’ll always have that little bit of guilt inside me and what if’s I really do know I’m doing what needs to be done.
It’s crazy how for so many years I’ve had my life together and this year it just seems to have done through the window lol! It’s been a very sureal year and one I’ll be glad to put behind me 🙈

Thank you so much for your reply and it’s honestly worth more than you’ll know to have someone to talk too about this x

@Mumfor20 you sound just like me! I was relieved to find threads here on this too and I felt like it was a god send as well. Isn't it crazy how, when you have nowhere else to turn, you can reach out on a forum like this and find other women - complete anonymous strangers - willing to support you through this? The ladies who helped me honestly felt like Angels to me! I don't know what I'd have done without this forum!

The waiting part (waiting for the consultation, waiting for the appointment, waiting the 24 hours between the medications) were the toughest part of the whole thing for me. It's mentally draining and once you've made your decision, you just want to get on with it and try to go back to your old life. That time will come for you and when it does, you'll feel better. In a way I look back now - it was only Friday I did it, and it almost doesn't feel real. Which is bloody fantastic and good for me mentally.

I am in lock down on my own and working from home so I've got nowhere to go so I can be here if you just keep me updated as you go along and know what days you're doing things. I can't promise to reply immediately but I will keep checking back as often as I can so do reach out whenever you need to! Talking through it is helping me come to terms with it too so it's helpful for me also and I just cant bear to think of you scared and alone without someone there to virtually hold you hand. I've got you girl!

2020 has been a massive hairy ball bag for everyone, you're not alone! No one has their life together all of the time but we are human, we make mistakes and we fall down but then we get back up again. Your children are so lucky to have a mummy like you, they really are! Please remember that and be kind to yourself Lovely x

@Georgie371
Thank you 😊 that’s so lovely of you to say. The kids really are my world and why this is something I really didn’t want to have to do or a position I wanted to be in because this one would have been so loved too.

It is so nice to have support and to be honest feels so much easier to speak to someone going or whose gone through it because I know you understand. We don’t need anyone one to exactly do anything in these situations do we just to support and understand Us.

My saving grace is lockdown because at least I know I can be at home when I go through it. And thank you so much, I have my consultation Monday so shouldn’t be long after that really and I’ll have details then.

It definitely feels more real talking through it and I already feel so much better just speaking about it.

I really don’t know what I’ll take from this year other than even at 39 yrs old I’ve still no clue where life will take me 🤣🙈

I’m also still so shocked that you can do this so easily though... as in phone up and get sent a pill that can change your life in a matter of hrs. It’s really crazy but good we are lucky enough to have that choice x

@Mumfor20 I'm almost 38 and still nowhere near where I thought my life would be right now 😂 I don't know if anyone truly has their shit together though!

We are so lucky that this service is available to us in this country, and that it is free! Not as many women are lucky like that. We really are very privileged.

I hope they do send the pills straight out to you. After my phone consultation I had to go in for an actual appointment which included a scan. Even though I knew my exact dates right down to the date of ovulation and conception etc. I don't know if that depends on where you live in the country, or what provider you go with, but I r seen women on here who both did and did not have to go in for a scan. I am surprised they let you have the medication without proving for sure you are pregnant though. Luckily for me I got the last appointment of the day so I didn't have to see anyone in the waiting room. When I got into the nurses room I burst into tears but it was because I'd gotten myself into this situation more than because I wanted to keep the baby. Funnily enough in the end, she asked if I wanted a copy of the scan and I surprised myself by saying yes, I'm so glad that I did.

So just a heads up that unless they've told you for sure, you might need to go in - but perhaps they already told you that you don't.

This time next week it'll probably all be over and you'll be here talking to me about how much better you feel and ready to move forwards with your life. I can't wait for 3 weeks time when I can take the pregnancy test and get a negative result as I don't know if I'll be able to properly move on until that happens but I really do feel absolutely fine as of right now, and hopefully you will too x

I definitely haven’t got mine together in fact I don’t even recognise the person I am anymore. There’s been a lot of things changed me and Its really sad I’m not the content person I use to be. But that’s partly down to the situation I’m in and things that have happened. We can get though a lot can’t we but sometimes it’s at a cost and I’ve definitely given so much of myself to other people that I have lost myself in the process.
I wouldn’t change it though because everything I do is for my children’s best interests.

Aww bless you there’s so many will feel that way and I’m one of them too, so your definitely not alone there! I’m so angry at myself for this happening but then I don’t think any of us want to be in this position and these things do happen, I suppose we also take the punishment don’t we with what we have to go through. It’s not the easiest of decisions that we have to gruel over. So we should be able to forgive ourselves and move on.
I’m glad you plucked up the courage enough to keep the scan because it would have been awful afterwards wishing you had but not doing.
I really hope I don’t have to go in, mainly because I’d be so scared of seeing anyone I know. We’ll see on Monday but I think because of the situation at the moment our local ones are issuing the at home pill but thank you for the heads up at least I can prepare myself just in case.

I so can’t wait to be here in a few weeks hopefully telling you I’m better with it all and on the other side of this nightmare. I hope I can also like you have done be there for anyone else who needs the reassurance in this situation too. It’s so valuable to have and I would love to be able to do the same for someone else. Until your in this position you don’t realise how much you need someone to talk too. I’ll definitely be checking back in on this forum afterwards.

I’m going to try and get some sleep now, my nightly routine has been googling and worrying but I can actually have a bit of a rest tonight after feeling reassured so thank you so much again for that 🥰 appreciate it lots

Fingers And toes are crossed for your negative too x

@Mumfor20 I was just thinking about my consultation with BPAS and they did need me to have a scan. Think it was because I’d had 3 csections, they needed to make sure the egg had implanted in the right place and wasn’t a csection ectopic pregnancy so you might need to be seen. I’d had a scan at the hospital to check this as I wasn’t sure what I was doing so I was able to send them that. I say this but I have heard that women have got the pills with no scan and anyone can have an ectopic pregnancy so I’m not sure how they decide who needs a scan and who doesn’t. I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry though, they’ll probably do the scan and give u the pills there and then x

@Mummyto3GBG how are you feeling now lovely? When are you planning on taking your pills? X

@Mumfor20 all you can do is be the best for your kids and it sounds like you always have their best interests at heart which is what makes me think you're a great mummy.

You may have lost yourself right now but you will find yourself again and a truly hope you will be happy and content again soon! I do think the start of that will be once this is all over.

Just as an update my bleeding is super light yesterday and today which I'm thankful for. I never use pads normally so having to see them every time I go for a wee makes it hard to not keep thinking about the whole thing. But mentally I'm feeling really good. Roll on 3 weeks so I can take this pregnancy test although I have no idea how to use it, it's tiny. The pregnancy test I did to discover I was pregnant was the first one I've ever seen and I barely understood how to use that! You ever seen one like this? Reckon I can pee into something and then just dip it in for a second?

@Mumfor20 did you manage to get some sleep last night? X

@Georgie371 thanks I’m feeling ok today, I joined a group on fb for people who have accreta tho and it scared me to death...probably not a good thing to do but I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision, I nearly swallowed the whole lot in one go but decided I was just panicking and not thinking logically. I’m deciding today then going to take first pill tomorrow if it’s whAt I decide to do.

The pregnancy test you wee into like a cup then I think they’ll be a pipette in with it that u suck up a bit of wee and put A few drops into the little hole thing! They told me to make sure u don’t use a shop one as they’re more sensitive so may still say your pregnant!

@Mummyto3GBG I really hope I don’t have to but I can see the point of why they would want too and I was asked when I phoned up if I had had any sections 😩 maybe this is why?

@Georgie371 thank you 😊 I hope so I really would like to be the person I was again. I’m having a harder day today but did sleep really well last night which I’m glad about, I’m not down as such I’m just in my own head and it’s all I’m thinking about that I can’t concentrate on anything else, my little one keeps attention seeking and I feel so guilty because I’m so deep in thought I’m not being the mum I should be right now! It’s not that I’m doubting my decision I’m just going through the what if scenarios that’s I know are impossible so I’m just tormenting myself a little. Daydreaming slightly... I think it’s like you said and the waiting isn’t good is it?
I’m glad your feeling good mentally I bet your hormones will be levelling now too which will help lots. It’s the waiting game again isn’t for you but I’d say it sounds really good for you that you’ll have your negative soon. Your over the worst now so it’s the home straight 🥰 X

@Mumfor20 I feel the same as you, daydreaming, wondering, in my own thoughts, I wish I could go back in time.... feel bad for my little ones at home too. How old are yours?

@Mummyto3GBG I have 6 from 4 years upto 19!
I’m wishing the same, really wishing I wasn’t in this position.
I don’t think you can help your thoughts running away with you can you...it’s not helping that I’ve nothing to occupy myself because of lockdown and not being able to work. It’s awful isn’t it feeling so distant and your kids still needing you.
I have been fine up to now and I won’t be changing my mind so I’ve no idea why my mind is playing tricks and creating scenarios that aren’t there 😩 wish I could switch off my head x