Support for going through a medical abortion completely alone

[Georgie371]

I am just here for some support and hand holding. I am almost 38 and on Sunday I had a positive pregnancy test. I am single and have never been pregnant before. I have a scan today to get my pills for a medical abortion at home. I am terrified.
I know the abortion is the right thing to do (for many different reasons) but I am overwhelmed with guilt - I am terrified that I'll see a heartbeat at the scan. I know it sounds silly but I worry that the 'baby' will feel pain. On the phone consultation on Monday the nurse said I was exactly 5 weeks so I am hoping thats too soon for a heart beat?
I will be taking the meds at home all alone which is frightening, I don't know what I'll do if I see anything in the sanitary pad, I think it will haunt me forever.
I have not told ANYONE about the pregnancy, hence why I'm here hoping for a virtual hug. The only person I could tell is my best friend but she is literally today losing her 3rd attempt at a much wanted IVF baby so there is absolutely no way I could put this on her with the trauma she is already suffering, so I am just going to do this alone in secret. The guilt of aborting a baby when there are so many women out there desperate to conceive is almost unbearable.
Waiting has been the hardest part and I just want it all over now and to carry on with my normal life, I guess I just wanted to come here and speak to women who have done this already and selfishly I want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person and I'm doing the right thing and it won't be horrendous going through this process alone!
X

Hey Georgie,
I hope the worst is over for you. I had to do the same in april, the shakes terrified me! Your experience sounds exactly like mine.
Thinking of you, I remember feeling surprised later that evening at how ok I felt, just tired.

Thanks @April9888 I think maybe because I took Codeine an hour before I started. I got some badish cramps now as I'm bleeding more but nothing unmanageable yet. Just like super bad period pains. I keep wanting to go to the bathroom every time I feel a whoosh but I'll be in and out all night if I do so I'm trying to sit and chill out. I just want the actual pregnancy to pass and then I don't care if I bleed for two weeks.

Thank you for joining in the conversation @Thermo . Isn't it strange how hearing from other women who have been through this can help. My shakes are back now I'm bleeding but I think it's nerves. How are you doing now Sweets, are you feeling ok about the whole thing? Will it help to share your story? If not I hope you have recovered well and you are feeling good now x

It sounds like you may already be through the worst, I wish I’d taken codiene beforehand, very wise idea!

@April9888 possibly. I'm still cramping but it's manageable. I actually have quite a high pain threshold but the nurse told me to take the painkillers first so I wasn't going to put myself through any extra suffering.

The pregnancy has not passed yet. Once that's done, I will be able to relax. Most women on here said they sat on the toilet and felt it drop down? I can't imagine how that must feel or how I would know for sure - I really do not want to see it in my pad but at the same time how can you be sure if you don't see it? I guess if the cramps stop you know? The nurse said to me 'just don't look at your pads while you're changing them' well I don't know about anyone else but I can't change my pads blind folded - I always use tampons normally so I'm not skilled with this.

Thanks for being here. I don't know what I'd have done without this outlet x

I personally never saw anything, OP. I just had lots of clots rather than one “pregnancy”, you may well be the same especially as you’re only 5 weeks. You’re right though, it is hard not to look when you’re changing your pads! Some people may even be relieved from seeing it as they know it’s worked? The fact I didn’t see mine still worries me as I’ve got some pain still and I’m worried something went wrong with mine! But hopefully not.

You’re welcome :) I had so much help on here, was only right to pay it forward xxx

@April9888 did you take another pregnancy test 4 weeks later or go back for a check up or anything, Angel?

I haven't seen any clots at all yet. Due my next set of painkillers now though so that's good as still cramping and shivering coming and going. I don't feel like it's the worst of it yet. I'm hoping it happens soon as I'd like to go to bed soon and forget all about it for tonight. I haven't cried yet, I wonder if the codeine is numbing my brain.

I wish I could thank you guys for all your help. I promise I will pay it forward to someone else going through the same thing in the future x

I just passed the pregnancy. It was quite a shock. I am feeling very shaky now. I won't go into the gory details but it was not what I was expecting.

But it's done now and that has made me feel relieved to know it went as planned x

@georgie371 well done, sounds like you are doing really well. I hope you are OK. However you are feeling now is totally normal. You have done it, and we are all here for you 💕

P.S honestly it is our pleasure, as @April9888 said it is only right and fair that we can pay it forward, plus we are here on this thread with you because we genuinely want to be supporting you 💕 There is no right or wrong as to whether you cry or not, just go with the flow, listen to your body and be kind to yourself xxx

@hillarypcof thank you so much for your kindness and support through all of this. Not sure id have coped so well without you ladies on here. Sorry if that sounds silly.

I'm knackered but still cramping so waiting for it to calm down before I head to bed.

I had a cry and now feel strong. Physically this whole thing has been manageable for me so I feel lucky it was so text book. Emotionally it's been a rollercoaster but tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for coming back to check in, you're an Angel x

Thank you for joining in the conversation @Thermo . Isn't it strange how hearing from other women who have been through this can help. My shakes are back now I'm bleeding but I think it's nerves. How are you doing now Sweets, are you feeling ok about the whole thing? Will it help to share your story? If not I hope you have recovered well and you are feeling good now x

I’m glad to hear you’re over the worst. Look after yourself and rest.
I am okay. I was a bit emotional for a few days but I knew it was the right thing and quickly built a bridge over it. It felt a bit blunt of me to do so at the time but now I’m completely fine with the decision. Thank you for being so considerate.

@Thermo I'm so glad you feel that way. It must be natural to have ups and downs with the hormones but it's good that you have moved past that now. I hope I can do the same.

Thanks for posting. Your input helps so so much, you have no idea x

Hi there,

So sorry that you’re going through this alone, sending virtual hugs.

I had the same procedure following a missed miscarriage. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t successful and I had to have the surgical procedure instead. I’m sure yours will go smoothly though.

Please don’t beat yourself up OP- at this stage it’s just a tiny cluster of cells. It’s so much kinder And more responsible in the long run to terminate at an early stage like you’re doing...there are way too many children brought into the world that weren’t wanted enough and they usually figure it out at some point.

Keep posting here, no one should have to experience this alone xx

@Summergarden thanks so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for what you went through, that sounds really traumatic. How are you holding up?

This thread is sooooo long now but I'm all done now. All went to plan, which I'm so thankful for. Emotions wobbly but i will be fine. Thank you for being so kind and understanding considering what you have had to go though x

[quote Georgie371]@April9888 did you take another pregnancy test 4 weeks later or go back for a check up or anything, Angel?

I haven't seen any clots at all yet. Due my next set of painkillers now though so that's good as still cramping and shivering coming and going. I don't feel like it's the worst of it yet. I'm hoping it happens soon as I'd like to go to bed soon and forget all about it for tonight. I haven't cried yet, I wonder if the codeine is numbing my brain.

I wish I could thank you guys for all your help. I promise I will pay it forward to someone else going through the same thing in the future x [/quote]
Hey Georgie, just catching up on your posts and it seems like it’s “passed” now and I’m glad you’re holding up!

I did a pregnancy test 2 weeks after my procedure. It was a special low HGC sensitivity one that the doctor gave me so it can be done in 2 weeks, and it indicated with a strong line the procedure had been successful

@April9888 did that put your mind at rest? You said you still have pain and it worries you? Would it be good to go and get a check up just to make sure you're ok? I'm sure everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, but while you are still recovering emotionally it might be one less thing to worry about?

Are you looking forward to getting back to work on Monday? X

[quote Georgie371]@April9888 did that put your mind at rest? You said you still have pain and it worries you? Would it be good to go and get a check up just to make sure you're ok? I'm sure everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, but while you are still recovering emotionally it might be one less thing to worry about?

Are you looking forward to getting back to work on Monday? X [/quote]
To be honest yes it was a massive relief knowing the procedure had worked! And I felt like I could finally move on. I have been checked out by GP and he just thinks it could be my cycle re starting as the pains are similar to PMS! Hopefully that’s all it is.

How are you feeling today??

@April9888 bless you, I think going back to work will be good for you.

I am super wobbly this morning and had a bit of a cry. I was still cramping when I went to bed very late last night but I didn't bleed hardly at all overnight.

Like you, I just want to leave this all behind now and move forward but I don't feel strong enough today to really think about my future plans.

I don't feel the need to take any painkillers today so I am just going to try and relax. I know I should get out into the sunshine but I don't know if I have the energy. I just want to feel normal again x

@Georgie371 Thinking of you today xx how are you feeling? If you have any further questions please just shout. Proud of you. Be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong way to be feeling about this x

@hillarypcof thank you so much, you and @April9888 have been my guardian angels through this. Mad how I got supported through this by complete strangers on the internet! I'm eternally grateful!

I'm doing good now. I've actually managed to concentrate enough to finish a book I was half way through. I've not been able to focus on anything since I did my pregnancy test last weekend so this is a massive step forward.

Minimal cramps and bleeding (my normal periods are 5 times heavier than this) so thats good.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend? Are you support bubbled with your partner for lockdown this time around? X

[quote Georgie371]**@hillarypcof* thank you so much, you and @April9888* have been my guardian angels through this. Mad how I got supported through this by complete strangers on the internet! I'm eternally grateful!

I'm doing good now. I've actually managed to concentrate enough to finish a book I was half way through. I've not been able to focus on anything since I did my pregnancy test last weekend so this is a massive step forward.

Minimal cramps and bleeding (my normal periods are 5 times heavier than this) so thats good.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend? Are you support bubbled with your partner for lockdown this time around? X[/quote]
Well done! One day at a time. You don’t need to fret about future plans, and it’s totally normally to feel teary. Just remember you’ve had a surge of hormones and they have been playing HAVOC with your emotions! And may still do as they leave your system, which takes a few weeks.

Lots of TLC for you now, the hard bit is over with. Proud of you!

Thank you @April9888 it sounds silly but honestly couldn't have done it without you!

I don't feel pregnant anymore but I'm going to just be mindful and careful for the next few weeks. It's a good time to be locked down actually so I can avoid people until I'm feeling stronger and not have to 'cover up' what has happened.

I hope you continue to feel better, good luck with your return to work and keep going with your counselling. If there's anything I can do for you or if you ever want a chat, please just message me x

@georgie371 I am so proud of you, well done for going through with this, sending you the biggest virtual hug 💕 As PP said, your body has had a huge surge of a lot of emotions in such a short space of time, so be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up if you feel like you have a not so good say after some good days. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, and you have done so well! It has been such an honour to be able to be here for you. I totally get what you mean about not feeling pregnant anymore - my sore boobs (which were like rocks!) went almost immediately! That was one of the biggest reliefs of the entire thing 😂

I'm glad you've managed to get your head into a good book - that is TLC right there :-) hope you are having a relaxing day x

@Georgie371

Thank you *@April9888* it sounds silly but honestly couldn't have done it without you!

I don't feel pregnant anymore but I'm going to just be mindful and careful for the next few weeks. It's a good time to be locked down actually so I can avoid people until I'm feeling stronger and not have to 'cover up' what has happened.

I hope you continue to feel better, good luck with your return to work and keep going with your counselling. If there's anything I can do for you or if you ever want a chat, please just message me x

That’s a great approach to have. And yes you can use lockdown to give yourself lots of ‘you’ time rather than just having to put a brave face on left right and centre. My counsellor has advised me to run with my emotions - if I’m feeling sad, let myself cry. If I’m feeling happy then let myself feel like that, it’s about riding emotions and not suppressing certain ones.

I’m really looking forward to getting back into a routine with work tomorrow weirdly.

I also came on my period today which was actually a massive weird relief for me even though I thought I’d be sad? It’s just good to know my body is kicking back in to normal just as it should and that I haven’t done myself any damage I’m feeling positive.

Thank you so much, that’s very kind of you x

@hillarypcof @April9888

Thanks for checking in with me today ladies.
Today is the first day I've felt pretty normal.
My bleeding and cramping are heavier but no more than a heavy period.

My brain is clear, I've done a lot of reading today which shows my state of mind because this time last Sunday I was desperately googling the number for Marie Stopes and today is the first time I've felt normal since then, just a little tired.

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to the distraction of work and I'm gonna head out at some point for supplies.

@April9888 so glad you got your period. You will be able to have kids when you are ready. Good luck for your first day back at work tomorrow!

@hillarypcof hope you've had a good weekend x