Support for going through a medical abortion completely alone

[Georgie371]

I am just here for some support and hand holding. I am almost 38 and on Sunday I had a positive pregnancy test. I am single and have never been pregnant before. I have a scan today to get my pills for a medical abortion at home. I am terrified.
I know the abortion is the right thing to do (for many different reasons) but I am overwhelmed with guilt - I am terrified that I'll see a heartbeat at the scan. I know it sounds silly but I worry that the 'baby' will feel pain. On the phone consultation on Monday the nurse said I was exactly 5 weeks so I am hoping thats too soon for a heart beat?
I will be taking the meds at home all alone which is frightening, I don't know what I'll do if I see anything in the sanitary pad, I think it will haunt me forever.
I have not told ANYONE about the pregnancy, hence why I'm here hoping for a virtual hug. The only person I could tell is my best friend but she is literally today losing her 3rd attempt at a much wanted IVF baby so there is absolutely no way I could put this on her with the trauma she is already suffering, so I am just going to do this alone in secret. The guilt of aborting a baby when there are so many women out there desperate to conceive is almost unbearable.
Waiting has been the hardest part and I just want it all over now and to carry on with my normal life, I guess I just wanted to come here and speak to women who have done this already and selfishly I want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person and I'm doing the right thing and it won't be horrendous going through this process alone!
X

Can you ask them not to let you see the scan? If I understand, heartbeat is detected after 6 weeks.

@Mumfor20 you have 6 kids and a job? Are you Superwoman????!!!! X

@Blueberries0112 absolutely, you may not even have to ask as they're sensitive to it. In fact I had to ask to see mine at first.

When the nurse performed the scan I could not see the screen. And after she did not have the pictures where I could see them until I actually asked to look at them.

Another thing to note - I don't know if it's the same everywhere - but with my scan I asked her during it if there was a heartbeat. She said these kinds of scanners don't have sound so she couldn't tell. But she could not see one. I think you have to be a good few weeks in to see one on the screen.

Either way they are sensitive to all of this and I don't think you'll be forced to see anything if you are unable to do that so don't worry x

@Georgie371 😂 I feel like id like to be superwoman somedays haha! But yep I run my own business! Most of the time I cope but every now and again him ready to book myself into a hotel for a month 🤣 x

I’ve had such a wobble day today...worrying about ectopic and complications and then worrying if I’ll have to be scanned just worrying over everything then getting sad thinking about the procedure and I’ve googled all day 😩😩🤦🏼‍♀️🙈😂 I’ve really done my own head in today. I’ve decided tomorrow I’m doing something even if it’s a walk and fresh air x

@Mumfor20 it's this waiting game, it's really awful but it honestly is the worst part!

I'd say stop googling if you can because you tend to just find horror stories that way. Everyone wants to write about things that go wrong but people don't tend to write about things going right!

But you're gonna be fine! I promise. Try to relax now, there is nothing more you can do between now and the appointment so try not to work yourself up too much, it's not good for you x

@Georgie371 your so right it really is! It’s like your just sitting waiting and going over and over things isn’t it.
I’ve been cramping all day and had brown and pink spotting tiny and it stopped, I googled as I was hoping it could be the start of a miscarriage how bad is that and that’s when I started all day looking at one thing after another? I’ve had beautiful healthy babies and would have been heartbroken if I’d miscarried and I hate how I’ve got to the point I’m wishing something like that on myself, felt disgusted in myself, I just feel awful think I’m having the guilt emotions today.
I’m going to distract myself tommorow because I’m just totally over thinking it and I know I’ll be fine and I’m one of many who do this and we are doing it for the right reasons I need to keep telling myself that! Just sometimes your mind gets carried away doesn’t it and you start to feel terrible X

Hope your ok @Mumfor20 if you’re concerned re ectopic etc you could ring the early pregnancy unit and they’d probably scan you....just not sure it’s what you want to do, they will however be used to dealing with everyone’s situations. If you did get a scan and all was ok with where the pregnancy was you’d at least have the report for BPAS if they needed a scan. I went to my early pregnancy unit first when I found out I was pregnant mainly because I didn’t even know whether I had a choice in keeping the baby or not as they hadn’t recommended anymore and I was beside myself and needed to speak to someone, they were keen to scan me because of my previous csections and check location of the pregnancy before even speaking to anyone.

I’ve also had such a wobbly couple of days, I keep going between wondering what is the right thing for me to do. I feel like carrying on could be such a risk and thinking I can’t put my children in a situation where they might not have a mum and then thinking about how I couldn’t imagine not having any of them and hearing of plenty of people who have 4th sections and are absolutely fine and the regret I’ll feel if I don’t go through with the pregnancy.

Mumof20 you’ve had 3 csections...do you think my anxiety in this situation is a bit much? I am basing my decision to terminate on health alone (and thinking i could die if I go ahead with another pregnancy)....obviously you’re in a different situation but having had 6 kids and 3 sections I was wondering....am I being completely irrational? The consultant at the hospital didn’t feel I was too high risk to continue and said I didn’t need to have a termination but I couldn’t help thinking well it’s not your life on the line and your kids who’d be without a mum of things went bad 😖 I don’t know if it’s just because this pregnancy was unplanned if this is why I’m feeling this way or what, I wasn’t scared for my health in my other pregnancies, my head is a mess x

@Mummyto3GBG
Aww bless you I really do get your awful decision and why your in so much limbo! I Completely understand. I definitely don’t think your being irrational either, at the end of the day those other children are already here and have to be in your decision over a pregnancy that’s in the early stages.
I get your fears totally, but then I also know plenty who have had 4 sections and you would be monitored more closely? They know your high risk so would care for you as such.
How old are your children?
If you did terminate do you think it would stop you questioning a fourth in the future at some point?
I really don’t think health is a bad decision to do this on I think your being completely reasonable in considering that and I think it’s why there’s no easy answer to this, I suppose it’s just what you feel yourself leaning towards more because that will be the one you’ll find it easier to be at peace with.....i feel for you because it is exactly where I’d be if it wasn’t for other factors in mine.
I wouldn’t have a clue what to do, the choice isn’t there and I know what I have to do so I just have to deal with it and get on with it, but I can say if it wasn’t for that I would be very much stuck on which way to go like you are. X

@Mummyto3GBG
You are also making a choice as a mum to think of your children and ultimately that is what is making it harder, either way it’s a choice where you decide based on your children, do you end a pregnancy of a baby youd love like the rest or risk leaving your others who are already here....it’s a nightmare and made harder because your such a good mum and are thinking of them all.
You have to think...whichever you choose is the decision you feel BEST and that’s why no there’s no right or wrong. Your a good mum in whichever decision you make x

Thanks @Mumfor20, my children are 7, 2 and 10months. I hadn’t completely ruled out a 4th but it wouldn’t of been for 2/3 years and I had planned to look at the risks involved first and speak to a consultant again before deciding. I think my worry comes because I’ve now looked at these risks and I probably wouldn’t of risked a 4th knowing these now, I would of just felt blessed with the 3 I have, so no I wouldn’t consider another in a few years. That’s what makes it hard because I always planned on 4 children but when you have sections these things aren’t as easy to achieve because of the risks of multiple sections so I feel like i either take the plunge and have this one and hope for the best or I terminate because I’m worried of the risks and just be happy with the 3 I have.

Just worried I’ll regret either decision 😖 I paid for a scan last night as I was panicking about accreta and already having it and it affecting either pregnancy or termination...And the sonogragher said everything looked normal and the placenta even looked like it could be more on the back wall if anything...which now makes the decision even harder because the risk of accreta would be even smaller if it is on the back wall nowhere near my scar...then I would only face the normal risks of a 4th section. So hard to decide x

Meant to say “looked like it could be forming on the back wall” ...she said it was too early for a placenta at this point but that they could see it developing x

I’ve woken up with brown watery discharge again after falling asleep cramping quite bad last night....the cramps have stopped but the discharge is like when your first coming on your period. I tested again the day before yesterday and it was positive so I’m worrying now that there’ll want to scan me even more because of this. I don’t want anyone I know to see me as no one knows which is why I have this massive fear of the scan part and now even if I end up bleeding properly I’ll still have to go to hospital to be checked won’t i 😩 what a mess! I just want this nightmare to be over!! I’m also getting worried now...I just hoped I could take the pills and it be over! x

@Mummyto3GBGb aww it’s so hard for you and a decision only you can make which makes it harder because there is no right or wrong, how far along are you now? X

@Mumfor20 please ring the epu and get some advice, it might be an early miscarriage in which case the decision is taken from you anyway but worst case if it’s ectopic the earlier you get a scan the better. Don’t worry about anyone seeing you it’s very unlikely, also the staff are very discrete and you have to wear a mask now so even less chance of being seen. You could be there for “Women’s problems”.

I’m 8 weeks today, the longer I go on the harder it seems. I feel like termination is what is expected in this situation and sometimes I think that’s the easiest thing to do but I worry about how I’ll feel emotionally after where if all goes well in the pregnancy and section I’ll never regret the baby. But if it doesn’t then I worry about my kids I already have and that I’m putting my life at risk 😞

@Mummyto3GBG
It’s stopped again and the cramps have gone so I’m thinking it’s still implantation which makes me feel better as it is still very early stages if that’s happening, if you know what I mean...kind of makes me feel like it’s still just cells forming. Bit easier to come to terms with.

Have you given yourself a time plan type of thing like a number of weeks that you would go too? Or are you pretty much at your cut off point? Maybe subconsciously your hoping you’ll get to the point you just can’t make the choice and it’s out of your hands and there’s no decision to make X

@Mumfor20 ok make sure you take care of yourself, keep an eye on the cramps/ pain and maybe get checked out if it comes back.

I feel I’m at that cut off point, I wanted to have decided by 8 weeks 😔 I still feel really torn, was hoping to take the first pill today but I’m worried I’ll regret it. But also scared if I don’t go through with it now and let it progress and I’ll regret that further down the line if I get complications. I also feel like if all my family knew they’d expect me to terminate as they’ll worry for my health and that I already have 3 little ones, think they’ll think I’ll struggle with another one so close together 😟

@Mummyto3GBG
Bless ya heart I feel for you because I could imagine me being in this same predicament if it wasn’t for other factors.
I’d planned no more for the same reason....I can’t say what choice I’d make if this happened in different circumstances because I’ve not let myself imagine... Ive daydreamed but snap myself back to reality because there’s no choice for me.
I’m still finding it very hard so hoping it’ll be started next week so I’ve not got longer to dwell and imagine because the longer it drags on the more emotions ok going through and more guilt I’m feeling x

I feel like I’m slightly more towards having a termination on the basis that I wouldn’t of taken the risk of having a 4th baby had I looked into the risks beforehand, I’m extremely worried about complications and it’s very close to our last baby, I’ve not even returned to work after mat leave and completely the wrong time....just feels very sad because I would have loved a 4th in a couple of years if I didn’t have all the risks involved and I know I’ll probably always regret it and wonder what could have been 😔

Yeah I almost wish I’d just got and taken the pills straight away before I had chance to think about it but the couple of people I spoke to told me to make sure I take my time to make the right decision and the longer it’s gone on the harder I’ve found it to make that decision. My life has been a complete mess the last month, another reason I’m thinking if I terminate at least I can go back to some sort of normality....I hope 😕

@Mummyto3GBG yes I completely agree that time in this case makes it Far worse!
I was so strong and ready at first and now because I’ve had time to get my head round it and hormones kicking in I’m finding it so hard to stop the what if’s!
I’m sure once it’s over I’ll be fine with my decision and I’ll be able to move on with normality but right now I’m sat agonising over it all! I’m imagining what they’d look like etc which I didn’t want to do, I didn’t want to start getting emotionally involved and at the start I was so detached it felt easier.
I keep thinking each day it’s growing and I just want next week to hurry up so I don’t torment myself even more. I wish I could have got it over with before now, I called them not last Friday the one before so it was quite a while for them to book ahead for the consultation. I’m annoyed at that now as I just feel why make me wait so long for the consultation I could have been done with by now! X

Sorry it was last Friday, so I will have waited 10 days just for my consultation over the phone! X

@Mumfor20 that is a very long time! I called them on the Sunday, had a phone consultation the next day (Monday) and was in the clinic Thursday. It was all over by Friday night. And I found that amount of waiting unbearable! They must be sending some women over the cut off point doing it as slow as they're doing it with you! X

@Georgie371 I was ok at the time just greatful id got an appointment but I’m really angry now the more I think about it! I will be 7 weeks next week so if they end up wanting to scan me etc I’m going to be well over what I wanted to be! And not down to my fault either when I rang straight away! I could have been 5-6 weeks and it all done but instead I’m going to be 6-7 weeks and not even certain that’ll be when I’ll get it. I don’t know weather to ring Marie stopes tomorrow because it’s ridiculous isn’t it just for the consultation... x

@Georgie371 that was BPAS x