Wanting termination at 34

[Butterfly34]

I'm 34, almost 35. I thought I wanted to get pregnant. I am married with a supportive husband. I have no children. I am 9 weeks pregnant. For the past 5 weeks every day I have not wanted to be pregnant and have wanted to end it. I have had 2 sessions with a counsellor and still feel the same. My husband would like the baby but understands if I'm unable to go through with it and says he'll support me. I'm really keen for a termination but worry I might regret it and will my feelings for the pregnancy change? At the same time I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world feeling like this. I had a scan at 7 weeks and saw the heartbeat. I just cried because I wanted a miscarriage and pray for a miscarriage every day. Has anyone else felt like this?

Butterfly34 - When I booked the BPAS appointment and had my first consultation, I went into a room and just said to a (very kind) woman "I doubt my story is 'normal', I have a wonderful supportive partner, am financially independent, have a great job and my life is really positive - I just can't cope with how I feel, I can't do this'

I was really shocked when she replied "A lot of women have felt like you" - as where are all these women? I found a couple on Mumsnet (amazing friends for life, hopefully) but where are all the rest and why did I just feel like I had all these 'Super happy excited mums to be?' picture rammed down my throat when I felt so guilty I didn't feel like that.

I didn't have the termination that day, I saw this lovely lady, had to have a scan (they turn the screen around and you don't hear anything) and had to have a finger prick test which discovered I was Rhesus negative (even though my partner was as well, I had the anti D injection when I had the termination under general anaesthetic)

My appointment was in a local hospital a week later on a Saturday - I even had a 'choice' when I wanted it, so there was no pressure. Everyone was so, so kind at the hospital and I had a general anaesthetic so went to sleep and woke up afterwards. There was bleeding but not a lot of pain and I left an hour afterwards and the nurse gave me a hug and wished me well.

Afterwards? There was relief, but I felt empty - very, very different and very empty. Immediately afterwards I thought I'd made a mistake, I thought I was a coward and I could have coped and just didn't - However, one of my friends I met on Mumsnet said 'Time is a healer' and the hormones in my body were atrocious for a good few weeks afterwards.

4+ years on - How do I feel? Not empty and relieved I terminated. I do sometimes think 'What if we had a child now?' however, I don't actually think we would, I think the alternative for me would have been I would have taken my own life as I was so, so low and couldn't see a way out.

Do you see your future as a Mum? Do you have any desire to see your childs first step / celebrate their first birthday / buy presents for their first Christmas? As - I don't and I didn't. I genuinely don't feel upset I'll never have that as I love my life and don't want it to change.

If you do and there's a 'longing' to be a Mum, then maybe if you go to the BPAS appointment, it will cement things in your head and you can look at ways to make the pregnancy less upsetting? If not, perhaps going through with the termination is the right decision?

If nothing else - I hope you'll feel less alone that there are other women who have felt the same way as you and that you're not the only one who has felt this way about pregnancy.

Flappyfishy - I just wanted to say thanks for your detailed comments, I've found them really helpful. Especially since, as you mentioned, the majority of advice available comes from a different perspective.

@LandlockedBlues - You're welcome. PND seems to be talked about and much better understood than it ever has been before, but Antenatal depression still seems to be far less talked about and appreciated. I remember reading the book 'What to expect when you're expecting', trying to shift my mindset and literally force myself to be happy and I'll always remember there was a 3-4 line paragraph in one of the chapters about depression during pregnancy "Some women may feel low in mood, talk to your GP" - This made me feel even worse as my 'low' mood was 24/7 all consuming and there was nothing else except despair.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment - I believe a lot of women who genuinely want a child still feel 'shock' and grieve the life they perceive they will be losing if they have a baby, however go on to love their child and believe they've made the best decision ever to go through with the pregnancy. I'm just speaking from the other side of things (especially considering I actively tried to conceive).

Both you and Butterfly have choices and that choice is yours and yours alone. My partner (who is now my Husband - going through the termination actually made me realise I wanted to be with him for life and proposed to him as never wanted marriage before!) and he didn't judge me, pressure me or force me to do anything. The decision was 100% mine and 4 years later he's never once said anything other than 'It was your decision to make'.

I hope you have support in real life whatever you choose to do. I was very lucky in having fantastic sisters, my partner and also some very close friends who were not judgemental at all.

Thanks Flappyfishy. I do have a very supportive husband who will be fine with either decision, and has not tried to influence me at all in either direction. Aside from him, so far I've only told one friend. I'm unlikely to tell anyone in my family - my brother always strongly wanted children, and has two, and I think would find it difficult to understand. Generally I think people who already have children can struggle with the idea of termination as they imagine a situation where their actual existing child did not exist, whereas of course it's not like that, it's entirely hypothetical.

If I'm honest, I have never experienced the feeling of wanting a child as such. I can rationally understand the fulfilment that other people may get from it, but I just don't feel like that fulfilment would apply to me. I feel no emotional connection with it. I might have expected pregnancy to make some difference to this perception, perhaps due to hormones, but for me it hasn't.

I'm glad things worked out for the best for you in the end.

Thanks for your replies. I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time Landlockedblues.

I went to BPAS. I sat in the waiting room and just wanted to run away. My husband drove me to the appointment (I couldn't have got there on my own) but it was all too much for him to come to the waiting room which I fully respect and he wanted it to be my decision and not to have any pressure. I did well waiting and went to the appointment. They were incredibly kind to me. I had counselling for well over an hour and was not rushed at all.

She didn't judge at all. When she did my scan I wanted to see the baby. I didn't know I was allowed to see the screen but I was and I was allowed to take some pictures home with me. For the first time I was relieved the baby was ok and the counsellor could see that on my face.

I realised by going to the appointment that I can't go through with an abortion. It is taking time but I am bonding with my baby. I wanted to see them on the scan and I didn't feel upset when they were fine. I wanted her to keep scanning me so I could see baby. She looked beautiful. I don't have a bump at all (I'm 15.5 weeks) so the lady worked out size of baby (I asked her to) so I can imagine baby in there and that's helped.

I have dreadful hyperemesis. I eat very little and do well if I manage to keep bread down. I've had this for 2.5 months so it is draining.
I wanted to go to BPAS to deal with these thoughts that keep coming into my head that I should have a termination. I haven't had any thoughts since my appointment but that was only yesterday and I know they may come back. I get these thoughts at my weakest points, often when I'm on my own and the vomiting wont stop. The BPAS lady thinks that I don't want an abortion but that I just want my suffering to end. I do also get the thoughts when I think about childbirth, but I think that's the fear.

In truth I do look forward to things like my baby smiling for the first time and seeing them in my husband's arms. I think I am just desperately scared. Scared that I will not cope and scared of change, I have got very comfortable with my current life. I'm also scared I've done lots of damage to the baby with such a poor diet and particularly in the first 2 months I barely took my vitamins because I couldn't keep them down. Everything is looking good on the scan and the counsellor reassured me that because I was healthy pre-pregnancy and took vitamins for many years before getting pregnant the baby will be fine.

By going to the appointment I think I've realised that an abortion will be very detrimental to me. I suffer from low self esteem. I think an abortion will make me feel like I failed and my self esteem will hit rock bottom. I think I will feel this because deep down I believe I do want a baby it's just that the fear is so overwhelming at the moment that I wanted to take control back by having an abortion.

So hopefully now I will be able to move on. The BPAS lady is going to ring me to check how I'm doing (I gave her permission to) and she's given me her contact details so I can speak to her by phoning the clinic if I'm struggling.

I just need to now work on my fears. Fears of my body changing (I am sadly quite vain so scared of stretch marks etc). Fears of childbirth. And fears of my life changing. I have been working on the last one with my husband and he's been great. And I'm seeing a counsellor so hopefully that'll help.

Thanks all so much for your help and support. It's been incredibly helpful to get the views of others and to feel less alone.

Hi OP, I’ve been following your thread and I’m glad you’ve managed to reach closure by going to the appointment

Pregnancy is hard, let alone when you’re suffering as you are so I can only imagine how hard it is for you

Please remember that there is help for you out there...

Just some suggestions for you to consider as you move through your pregnancy regarding your other fears:

perinatal depression is a thing and your midwife will be able to support and refer you to a mental health team if you need this support

Childbirth - this varies from woman to woman but I’ve seen lots of people have success with hypnobirthing and at the other end of the spectrum, some women have c sections due to extreme fear of childbirth etc

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that there is support out there for you, whatever you decide as you progress through.

Fabulous update. Xxx

I've been following and I think you are so brave. I've never heard of prenatal depression before so I really think it is something that should be talked about more so then when someone is in your situation, they may not feel so alone.
I'm glad you've found people who felt the same in here.
As above, I think hypnobirthing may help you if you're worried about birth. My birth was a positive experience and unfortunately only the negative and pain is often shown in the media which makes mums to be feel afraid. Lots of mums have interventions, inductions and c-sections and still have a positive experience. Maybe something that you could look into if you're interested although it's not for everyone.

Hi hoping that some of you lovely people can help me. Sorry to jump on another post but I’m yet to get any replies and I’m really struggling. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, I was so excited to tell our parents and then woke up one day with the thought of being pregnant making me feel ill. I’m just over 6 weeks and I hate everything about being pregnant and all of the excitement has been zapped away from me. Over the last two weeks I’ve been really sick with a sore chest, temperature and fatigue, just as that was improving I was hit with sickness. I was unable to keep food and water down and don’t even have the energy to go to the toilet alone. I suffer with needle phobias and even though I work etc I do suffer with anxiety of going to places alone. The new rules that have been put in place about the Coronavirus and giving birth/ going to appointments alone and giving bloods terrifies me. I feel like the excitement will never come back and my partner just keeps telling me things will get better. I don’t want to keep going if I can’t be in a good mental state.

Hi Noname,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's clearly a very uncertain and worrying time to be pregnant.

Like you, I struggled with my mental health while pregnant, and as a result I had a termination, which was today. However it wasn't quite the same scenario, as mine was an unplanned pregnancy and I'd never actively wanted to have a child, although I hadn't completely ruled it out either. You say that you did want to and were happy to be pregnant - is it possible for you to reconnect with any of those thoughts or feelings? What did you picture in your future, what excited you about the idea?

I know it's hard but I'd try not to worry too much about corona. You are only 6 weeks so there is a long time before too much happens in your timeline, and a lot could change in that time.

I wonder if counselling could help with your phobia of needles and general anxiety, although I suppose it would have to be online counselling at the moment.

As I mentioned above I had a termination today as I couldn't cope with the whole thing. I do think perhaps if I'd sought some mental health support at the start, a different outcome might have been possible, although I don't know of course.

Lastly, if you don't want to continue with the pregnancy, please remember that that's okay too. Don't worry about what anyone else may think or anything. You can tell people it was a miscarriage if that's easier. The good thing is you still have some time to consider everything. Would it be worth maybe giving yourself a couple of weeks, or whatever timeframe seems right to you, and in that time maybe trying to get some counselling of some kind?

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but sending sympathy anyway.

@LandlockedBlues Thank you for taking your time to message. Sending you lots of strength today, I’m here if I can ever return the favour.
It feels like I’m a changed person, I just don’t have any positive feelings anymore but going back a few weeks when I wasn’t feeling unwell, I was searching for ways to announce the pregnancy and looking at prams.
I know the fear has definitely took over me, I know what’s going on in the world is totally unexpected and the hospital guidelines are to keep all us safe but just feel like I never prepared for this.
I have had cbt therapy in the past for my needle phobia and only felt like it help slightly, I was never able to even look at a needle on tv but can now. It took me years to get bloods done and that was with the support of my mum and use of fan etc.
I know that this is going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Have you had support about making your decision? How do you feel today, obviously you don’t need to answer that question. Thank you again for your time.

Hi @Noname1111,

It sounds like some of this is to do with you feeling unwell generally - is that getting better? It sounds like you had a particular bug or something and then started getting pregnancy related nausea and fatigue - is that right? I hope you're starting to feel at least a bit better.

You say this is going to ruin your relationship. I don't want to speak out of turn but that doesn't sound particularly supportive - does he not understand or not care how you're feeling?

As for me, I'm feeling okay generally. I do feel a bit sad at times, because in the last two weeks or so I had started to form some kind of connection with the idea, but for me this was too little and too late to make the difference. Mostly I feel relieved that this is one less major thing I have to deal with right now. My dad has terminal cancer, and then the pregnancy happened and the pandemic, so there has been a lot going on. Although I said to you not to worry too much about coronavirus, I admit it was a factor in my decision. I felt unsafe with the idea of going to appointments etc, which would have happened soon in my case, and I felt less secure in our financial situation than was the case a few weeks ago. I feel a lot less depressed and anxious overall now. I have had great support from my husband, and I also saw a counsellor at BPAS, and I have a close friend I can talk to about it.

If you think there is a chance you may want to go down this road, you could try seeing a BPAS counsellor. I saw one face to face but I guess this may happen online at the moment. You're not committed to anything by making contact with them - lots of women enter their system but ultimately decide not to have a termination.

Can I ask how old you are? I just noticed in your first post you said you always wanted to be pregnant, which makes it seem like something you wouldn't want to give up on lightly, but the exact dynamics of that might vary a bit depending on age.

@LandlockedBlues

Sorry for such a delayed reply I’m happy to hear you are feeling a lot less anxious and depressed over all and great that you have support of friends. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad, sending lots of love to you both at this time.
My boyfriend is supportive but think it’s hard to know that a few weeks ago we were discussing our life’s with a baby we had planned for and now he could possibly never have a baby at all.
My midwife rang to cancel my booking in appointment and said she would do it over the phone, I told her my concerns about needle phobias etc and she said she would pass me over to someone to discuss options and if I decided I wanted to keep going that she would talk to me then. (Not sure if that’s how things usually work but she showed no sympathy at all.) I received a call from a lovely person to talk about options and it was actually nice to talk to someone about how I felt.
I will send an inbox about how things have been.

This can be a normal feeling if you have anxiety. I was ttc for 10 years, went through ivf, and when I finally got pregnant even I was seriously considering abortion. Thankfully for me my anxiety had been caught early and so I was given various talking therapies etc. Get a MH referral asap

If you wanted a baby before being pregnant and now feel differently you may have pre natal depression.... read up on it.

I had it with both of mine despite desperately wanting children, each time as soon as l got pregnant l felt like it was a huge mistake and was convinced l didn’t want to be pregnant . I was soo confused as l really really wanted children!

I carried on ( l won’t deny it felt awful)
But as soon as each was born and the pregnancy hormones started to fall l started to feel like myself again, within a day!

This may not be your issue but do talk it out , read up on this and think about your feelings before the pregnancy hormones started to affect you.

Take your time it’s a big decision, don’t be persuaded or swayed by anyone else.

What helped me was thinking about what l wanted my like to look like in 5/10/15 years.

Good luck op

Hi @GrumpyHoonMain and @Dragongirl10, just wanted to check that these messages were for me before I replied? x

I had prenatal depression and never really accepted that I was pregnant. We had talked about it, prior to pregnancy, but the reality was so scary and I hoped for a miscarriage every day. I would cry at scans.

It took a few weeks after the birth but my DC is the love of my life and I can’t understand how I felt the way I did. But I did feel that way, not everyone is happy mums xxx

Hi noname1111,
My post was for anyone who may be interested.....l think its important to share less than ideal responses to pregnancy when most are posting happy pregnancy pics on S Media.......

Also l am so very, very relieved l continued as l have loved my life since my children were born, in the same way as a previous poster knew that having a termination was the right decision for her....

Thanks @Dragongirl10 it definitely feels like I have support when other people share their pregnancy stories. You’re right about social mediaI and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone struggling with being pregnant that I know personally. I feel like I could have pre natal depression but can’t help but wonder what my pregnancy and feelings would be like if there wasn’t a pandemic. My needle phobia is playing the biggest part in my decision, I knew it would have never been easy but thought I would be okay with having the support of my mum and boyfriend during bloods etc. Now you have to attend all appointments alone.

@UsedUpUsername Thanks for your reply, it definitely brings me comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one that feels like this and lovely to hear that your child is the love of your life. X

I had the prenatal depression with both pregnancies, but the second time l was mentally prepared for it, l knew it would stop on giving birth and l knew how much l adored DD 1.

I literally ticked each day off on a calendar and had no expectations of it being anything other than a battle l had to endure for the prize at the end..... Thats OK.... A child is there for the rest of your life, pregnancy is a matter of months.

Also l was so so fearful of a c section, so l understand your fear of needles. I was absolutely terrified, but it was a breeze. Second one l was not scared at all.

I wish someone had told me all of the above at the beginning of my first pregnancy, it would have saved so much worry.

That’s really good that you weren’t scared of a c section the second time. It doesn’t matter how may times someone reassures me my body reacts and I go into flight mode straight away. Wish there was a chance for me to at least try to have them done with support of a family member but there’s no hope in that any time soon.

Re the needles, try this, just before anything involving needles, find a point in the room to look at, and take a deep breath in, feel it into your stomach, count to 3 and do a long exhale counting to 3, from your mouth, keep your eyes fixed and repeat 4 times, really concentrate on your breath.

Practice every night before sleep, when you have got the hang of the breathing, add this,
after the first breath, give yourself a small (gentle) scratch on your arm with your nail, not hard just a scrape, don't look, just continue with the breathing, if you feel panicked, say 'all is ok 'in your head as you take another breath in, and continue.

To make a difference you have to practive daily until every time you do the breathing, you are able to fully focus on it and the spot you are looking at...

Before my 1st c-section l was delayed in a tiny changing room in my gown for an hour alone as an emergency came in....l was so so terrified, so l stood up and did the yoga warm up (in slow motion) that l have done off and on for years when l cannot sleep...despite the restricted movements it worked very well to calm me, l just kept repeating it until someone came to get me...l had a strange look from the nurse...!

You do have time and you can get your fear under control with breathing, just keep practicing, then maybe test it by touching your arm with a pin as you breathe until it really doesn't bother you..

Good luck

I felt very strong emotions early in my pregnancy with my first child. The fact that it's hit you so hard points to prenatal depression. It does pass x

I just wanted to write an update incase it helps anyone. I currently have my darling daughter in my arms and I couldn’t be happier.

I was extremely unwell in my pregnancy with hyperemesis and it never settled. I had a calm labour thanks to hypnobirthing and I shouldn’t have been scared at all. My relationship with my husband has just grown stronger by us getting through such a difficult time together particularly all the stresses with such awful hyperemesis and having so many hospital admissions which was particularly difficult with covid.

Despite going through all of that I would do it all again to have my best precious daughter. My life has been enriched in ways I could never have imagined. She’s a month old and it’s been the best month of my life. The though that I almost had an abortion scares me so much and I’m so grateful for all the support I received and for carrying on. Everyone’s situation is different but I’m 100% convinced with me that the reason I wanted an abortion was fear of everything changing and I was scared of delivery. Hypnobirthing definitely helped as did counselling. I think I also just wanted to end my suffering as hyperemesis is such a cruel illness. But I’m so glad I persevered and have such a gorgeous baby.

I know everyone is different but I thought I’d update incase it helps anyone at all. I think my advice would be not to rush into decisions, to seek as much support as possible (I saw a counsellor and a psychiatrist who really helped me understand what was going on) and if anyone suffers from hyperemesis to contact pregnancy sickness support who are such an amazing charity. I’ve been extremely lucky with all the support I’ve received and for that I’m forever thankful.