Wanting termination at 34

[Butterfly34]

I'm 34, almost 35. I thought I wanted to get pregnant. I am married with a supportive husband. I have no children. I am 9 weeks pregnant. For the past 5 weeks every day I have not wanted to be pregnant and have wanted to end it. I have had 2 sessions with a counsellor and still feel the same. My husband would like the baby but understands if I'm unable to go through with it and says he'll support me. I'm really keen for a termination but worry I might regret it and will my feelings for the pregnancy change? At the same time I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world feeling like this. I had a scan at 7 weeks and saw the heartbeat. I just cried because I wanted a miscarriage and pray for a miscarriage every day. Has anyone else felt like this?

Icarmicheal, the most annoying thing about your posts would be if the op decided to actually abort because of your preaching. So she could rightfully take control of her body. Your preaching could have the opposite affect, which often happens. How would you feel then?

Ops choice either way, best thing is to be helpful and give her stories of different experiences to unable her to make her own choice.

The law of this country, that is what I am on.

If you don't agree get off here and stop with the termination is fine if you're feeling that way attitude.

Termination is fine. That's why it is legal in the UK. If you can't accept that then it's not me who needs to get off the thread.

Your posting history is judgemental at best and I have reported you to MNHQ.

It’s your body op and it’s your choice.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

OP please ignore lcarmichael who has an agenda and is totally derailing this thread

This is about what you, and to some extent, your dh, want. It's your body so it's your choice.

I also agree with Oliversmumsarmy. A termination is something that will impact upon your marriage.

I am very pro choice, and ultimately you must do what is right for you, but I think that you and your DH need to talk to a professional in RL. Either way, it is a very big life changing decision.

This is not helping OP. OP I think some more counselling would be a good idea. Only you can decide. Whatever the outcome, I wish you all the best.

Op you need to do what's best for you I wouldn't terminate but that's my choice everyone is different .

@lcarmichael coming in here and saying abortion is similar to murder is gross, anyone with half a brain cell can see the OP is looking for support for a really difficult situation not judgement. Pushing adoption and trying to tell someone to carry a foetus to full term when they don't want is not nice, do you have any idea of the implications that could have on someone's mental health?

The PP saying consider the impact of an abortion on your relationship is wrong imo. To go through with a pregnancy, especially one you're unsure about, you should come to the conclusion that you'd still have the baby if you had to raise the child alone as you never know what may happen. To have a baby to essentially stop your husband leaving (if that even is the case) would be crazy.

OP, you have my complete sympathy. I hope you reach a decision that brings you peace and is right for you. I echo the views above that there is absolutely no shame whatsoever in an abortion if that is right for you.

I do think that the dh’s views have to be taken into consideration

This pregnancy wasn’t the results of a ONS or a circumstance where you don’t have or want to have a relationship with the father

This was a carefully thought through planned pregnancy.

I do think that thinking of where she goes in her relationship if she did decide to terminate is a consideration she should consider.

Whilst it might be her right to do what she likes and her dh might support her in the process but on his part he has every right to walk away.

He wants children, he thought his wife was in agreement, he thought they were getting what they both wanted

If she decides she doesn’t want to go ahead with this pregnancy then the relationship isn’t going to survive.

Butterfly34 needs to realise that this isn’t just about terminating a pregnancy but about terminating her relationship as well

Sounds a bit like prenatal depression to me. I had horrible prenatal depression and anxiety. I really wanted to get pregnant and then as soon as I was, was just floored by misery. I hated every single thing about being pregnant, I felt like the life and joy was being sucked out of me. I was terrified of giving birth and had panic attacks at the thought. I cried every day for 6 months. I had a plan in place to kill myself.

I told my doctor how I was feeling and she referred me to weekly therapy with a psychologist. It was hell. I was miserable. Then I had the baby (via c-section THANK GOD) and it was like a cloud lifted immediately. I felt totally back to normal and adore my baby. It's hard to believe now I came so close to ending it all.

I suppose what I'm getting at is make a GP appointment and tell them how you're feeling. Get some counseling, then make a decision.

I had a termination at 34 with my first pregnancy as the situation was not ideal. I actually wanted the baby and my partner didn't. It affected me more than I expected but I got over it in a couple of months.

A year later I got pregnant again and feel like you do now. I didn't particularly want it and have no idea why. There were tests that were required due to a condition the baby may have and the hospital dragged their heels so much it got dragged out past the possibility of termination. So now I'm left with a baby that may actually be severely disabled but we won't know until birth.
All I can say is my feelings haven't really changed - I have no bond at all with my bump. I no longer hope for miscarriage as I did at first and have sometimes felt excitement when talking with my DP about the future with the child, but I'm not particularly happy about being a mum in a couple of months time.
My DP however, has gone from not wanting to ever be a parent to already discussing our second future baby .

I, like you, cried at my first scan because I didn't want the baby to be there. We actually expected bad news as I had zero pregnancy symptoms so thought it had died. It was a shock to find out it was happily kicking away on the scan. Your DH sounds very supportive of your feelings which is excellent and you should keep speaking to him about it all.

I posted something very similar to you once and found there were several others who felt worse than I did. They planned a pregnancy and really really didn't want it. Between us all we couldn't decide if it was hormones to blame or if we truly didn't want the babies. I guess some people start to feel better and others don't.

Another thing I found at my first anti-natal class was that NO-ONE in the group was excited to be pregnant. It made me feel a lot more normal.

We tried for a baby for over a year, then finally it happened and I was in shock I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. It took a good few weeks to get my head around the situation and I think it was the fear that life was changing as we knew it.

I would go to your gp and tell them how you are feeling and try a different form of councilling.

Good luck with what you decide x

@lcarmichael

How can you say that others aren't qualified to give advice, and then go on to say all that you did?

Abortion is not murder. Suggesting adoption as an alternative is not good advice in this situation. If the OPs mental health is suffering being a few weeks pregnant, how on earth is carrying to full term, giving birth then handing the baby over, going to be any better?

@Butterfly34 - speak with your GP about how you are feeling. Counsellors are good for a great deal of these feelings, but they are unable to diagnose and treat any potential problems that may be having an impact here.

I've had a miscarriage. I've also had an abortion. I also have a 3 year old. I understand the complexity of the situation well. Do not allow for random pro-lifers trolling the internet to influence your decision one way or the other.

Hi OP
I felt the same.
I always wanted kids.... I got married very quickly, and became pregnant shortly after that.

I had a pretty poor experience as a child, and all I ever wanted was to be a good mum. When I became pregnant, I just felt so ill equipt. Our marriage was too fresh, I just felt overwhelmed. I too remember feeling so torn. I just wasnt ready.

I had a termination booked, i went for counselling...

In the end, I kept the baby. Long story why, but I did.

I'm pro choice.... in my case, I was just terrified. I just had very little experience of good parenting, and I was scared.

My son is 20 now, and I'm so grateful I kept him. After the decision was made, I never regretted it.

Have you always wanted kids?

there are two choices, love or fear

Rubbish. Most people live with love and fear every single day. In fact, most of these people fear losing those they love.

Don't spread around memes disguised as advice. It's just nonsense.

Get some professional help to decide OP. I had one baby whom I love but had a termination for pregnancies 2 and 3 and was then sterilised and felt I made the right decision for me. That was many many years ago. I think it's really important to go for counselling and not listen to us lot. We don't know your personal circumstances and views a out motherhood but not everyone wants children. A professional will help you make up your mind.

Having babies is not easy. Then being a mother is not easy but it is worth it. If you've definitely thought it through and see no other way of course it's ok to not go ahead with the pregnancy.
Are there some specific things you are scared of? Perhaps some experienced women here can put them into perspective so you're as informed as possible. Someone I know had a termination 30 years ago in very dire circumstances ( nobody could have blamed her) and she regrets it now. I think that's very hard thing to live with so you do have to get this very straight in your mind before you proceed

It was a planned pregnancy. I had the scan as I thought it would help change my feelings and help me bond but sadly it didn't. I have been trying to shop for baby things but it doesn't help. I am desperate for anything to help me feel better.
I am scared of change and fearful that I will not cope. I have a good job, house and a very supportive husband (married 9 years). I never thought I would feel this way. If I have an abortion I will never get pregnant again as I don't take abortion lightly, I would never trust myself to try getting pregnant again. I realise what a big step abortion is and never thought I would be in this situation but I can't help how I feel and desperately want to feel better.

@Butterfly34

Have a good read of what @TinselTitsMcTree has said. You have to establish whether your feelings are borne out of pre-natal depression.

If it turns out be a case of you simply having changed your mind about having children then that is fine. You are allowed to change your mind. No shame in that.

Just remember that the only person with a right to decide about what happens to your body is you.

Your body your choice, but it does sound like you are suffering like I did with pre natal depression. Like you very much planned but I spent my whole pregnancy worrying and not bonding with the baby growing inside me. Im so glad i saw it for what it was as I wouldn't change things for the world!
Mention your concerns to the midwife and get some proper help before making a decision as if it is hormones/depression and you terminate you may regret it once things are back to normal.

@Butterfly34 I was thrilled to be pregnant and I still struggled to bond until I started feeling movements.

You've got a stable home and a lovely husband - you'll cope. We all do. There are professionals around you both pre and post birth to rely on too.

I agree with speaking to your midwife about your feelings. You'll find they're much more common than you think.

@Butterfly34
I was scared too. What people/ social media etc don't tell you is that everyone is scared. Nobody knows wtf they're doing.
We all learn on the job.

Butterfly34 With my first pregnancy I actually forgot I was pregnant.

My friend came round when I was 40 weeks +9 days and said to me, just think by the end of the week you will have a little baby

I responded with What makes you think that.

I think I was deer in the headlights for the whole of the pregnancy