Wanting termination at 34

[Butterfly34]

I'm 34, almost 35. I thought I wanted to get pregnant. I am married with a supportive husband. I have no children. I am 9 weeks pregnant. For the past 5 weeks every day I have not wanted to be pregnant and have wanted to end it. I have had 2 sessions with a counsellor and still feel the same. My husband would like the baby but understands if I'm unable to go through with it and says he'll support me. I'm really keen for a termination but worry I might regret it and will my feelings for the pregnancy change? At the same time I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world feeling like this. I had a scan at 7 weeks and saw the heartbeat. I just cried because I wanted a miscarriage and pray for a miscarriage every day. Has anyone else felt like this?

I was 33 and was in a long term relationship with a very supportive partner, I thought I wanted a baby (so did he) and I got pregnant first try.

Everything changed and it was literally Hell. I was never, ever happy or excited, I was desperate to have a miscarriage and it felt like I was in a living Hell. By the time I was 7-8 weeks, I wanted to take my own life as I just couldn't cope with how I felt. I was prescribed anti-depressants which took the 'edge' off of feeling like I wanted to take my own life, but I came to the conclusion that I either had a termination or I took my own life - 'surviving' another 6 months of pregnancy was not an option and I terminated at 12 weeks.

I'm now 38, married to my partner (who was nothing but supportive and incredibly understanding and didn't push me in any direction) and will never entertain the idea of 'trying again'. Looking back, I had really bad antenatal depression which, even today I don't believe is fully understood and seems to certainly be less talked about than post-natal depression.

So in answer to your questions in your first post - Yes, I did feel like that. When I had my scan (which was in a hospital waiting room with excited Mums to be) I was hysterical and felt so guilty for not wanting to hear a heart beat as then the 'decision had been taken out of my hands'.

I also know a few other women who felt like us - but, they are reluctant to vocalise how they felt as we're 'supposed' to be so happy we're pregnant and everything is just so 'exciting and fun' - But it's not, it wasn't for me and I'm sorry it's not for you.

It's really great that some women went through with their pregnancy despite their struggles and are really happy how their life has turned out - I only posted to show the other side of things, that there is no 'one right answer' for everyone feeling like this and I'm on the other side of things.

I don't regret my termination. I never expected to feel like I did and I don't regret it - I only regret trying for children in the first place.

I hope you are feeling a little better today and work out what's best for you - whatever that decision is.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am 10.5 weeks now. I am very low and struggling.
I've just been discharged from another hospital admission. I was admitted as I have hyperemesis. This doesn't help as I'm unable to work, haven't eaten a meal in 6 weeks and all I think about is not wanting to be pregnant. I agree I'm suffering from antenatal depression.
I feel just like flappyfishy did and I'm glad to see you don't have regrets and have a good relationship with your husband. My husband is very supportive and says he will not leave me.
I had another scan whilst in hospital and again cried it was normal. Baby was moving around and looked so blissfully happy and unaware of my struggles. I just wanted a miscarriage so I didn't have to make a decision.
I'd really like a termination but am not sure I can live with myself if I do it. I continue to see my counsellor and my husband and I have seen a different couples counsellor. They think I am depressed and should instead think about how much I wanted to get pregnant before all of this happened. It is hard though. And I think being pregnant is very different to wanting to be pregnant.
I am very down and just wish everyday I would miscarry. I do worry though that if I have a termination then when the vomiting stops and the hormones settle I will regret it and feel awful about what I've done. It's particularly hard as my husband loves and really wants this child. He loved watching them kick around on the ultrasound screen.
Does anyone know any good self help books about antenatal depression? I've seen my GP. I think they feel a lot of this is due to hyperemesis. I'm seeing my midwife on Monday. I continue to have counselling.
I feel I really need to get better. I don't think I can continue to feel like this for much longer. If I have a termination I would want to do it by 12 weeks so don't have long. I'd just really like to feel better so that I didn't think about a termination but I can't help how I feel.

Sorry to read all this OP.

If it helps I have a couple of my own experiences to share.

Years ago I had a termination of an unplanned pregnancy with my current DH. We've been together for a couple of years but at the time I was terrified of the idea of a baby and how we'd manage and also secretly hoped the scan would show there's nothing there.
DH was supportive of whatever choice we went with he wanted to support me mainly. I was 7wks and The process itself was awful for me personally (I'm aware not for everyone). I was alright afterwards but then about a year later it hit me and I've been struggling with it ever since. Even worse now that we've had DCs. I remember at one point sobbing to DH about how the baby would have been 6mo. And every now and then I still sit down and cry about it to myself and how could I have done that.
Saying all that these feelings magnified by 100 once I had DCs of my own before that it wasn't as bad.

Also with both my pregnancies I had terrible symptoms and didn't want to be pregnant for that reason. Yet now that DCs are here I find myself wistfully thinking about being pregnant again clearly completely forgetting the existence of a multitude of pregnancy symptoms.

My post is not meant to try to sway you in any way, I just thought I would share my personal experience just in case it might help in any way.

Wishing you all the best.

I had really terrible nausea in pregnancy, it made me feel on the verge of panic all the time and I was so miserable, I was certain I had made a huge mistake. The sickness went away like a light switch at 12 weeks and it was like something clicked in my head too and I could start to look forward again instead of panic. He’s nearly 3 now and he’s the best. I’m not saying it will be the same for you, just that you will not feel like this forever.

OP I have been exactly where you are and so very almost terminated due to hyperemesis. We got to the day it was meant to happen and I couldn't go through with it.
The pregnancy was horrendous, not just for me but for DH and my toddler as well. But the minute DD2 was born I felt normal again. She is perfect and I'm now trying to process the guilt I feel. I too remember crying at the healthy scans as I just felt too awful to imagine.
HG is hell and termination is absolutely an option. It is your choice.
I thoroughly recommend support for antenatal depression. Talk to your GP/midwife ASAP.

What medications are you on? Doctors are not necessarily clued up on what works best. Pregnancy sickness support network is BRILLIANT in terms of offering information and support.
Please PM me if you want any advice/support regarding HG.

OP I truly think if you get your hyperemesis sorted out you will start to feel better. Can the doctor prescribe something for you? My daughter is 9 months now. When I found out I was pregnant with her for about a week I was excited and looking forward. Then the awful sickness started! I was not expecting it as with my first pregnancy 7 years earlier I didn't have a day of sickness and it knocked me for 6. I was MISERABLE and spent most days thinking what have I done. I felt awful for my son as I was not the mother I wanted to be to him in those first few weeks I was just a shell. My OH was working away a lot as well in those days and it was just horrible. Those first weeks in the first trimester went so slowly I was taking it hour by hour. I remember having a breakdown in the bath one day so clearly it makes me feel upset now just thinking about it. But at about 15 weeks the sickness did stop. I was able to function again. My world got bright again and I was back to being a mum to my son and able to look forward.

If you can get the sickness under control I very much hope and believe things will be different for you. If this was a planned pregnancy and you are in a supportive and loving relationship, if you do terminate due to the sickness once it's gone I think that will be quite difficult emotionally to deal with, more so than if you were terminating due to difficult circumstances.

I really feel for you OP, I hope you are able to get through this ok whatever you decide xx

Pregnancy is tough. Lots of really grim side effects but the first trimester I find particularly hard. Having antenatal depression on top of that, you're getting more than your fair share of shit thrown your way This is a planned and wanted baby by all accounts. I can't tell you what to do and I am pro-choice, but I do wonder if termination would be something you'd heavily regret. Keep seeking medical advice and speaking to your partner about it. I never had extreme sickness but I did have nausea and vomiting. Things got lots better in that regard around 14-16 weeks.

Dear OP. You are doing so well. I also really struggled being pregnant with a much much wanted child.

Have you managed to see a specialist midwife or psychiatrist for your ante natal depression? I think your husband could advocate for you here if you're feeling too rubbish to ask for a referral. I remember feeling too awful to make phone calls never mind see people. It is also possible to get lots if different meds for morning sickness, keep trying them til you find one that works. The one that worked for me was one that made me sleep all the time through the worst of it.

I just wanted to say. You are over quarter of the way though! You've done what is often the hardest part in terms of morning sickness. Whatever you decide is up to you but you have this time under your belt now, be proud of yourself. Wishing you all the very best.

I have 3 children, the 3rd i suffered with hyperemisis and it lasted until 20 weeks. I was bed bound for 16 weeks, couldn't look after my older 2, let alone myself.. multiple hospital admissions.

When baby no 3 (hg baby) was nearly a year old i found out i was unexpectedly pregnant, the thought of going thru hg again pushed me into sayin i wanted an abortion, i couldnt go thru all that again. As the weeks went by, the hg didnt rear its head and i started to come to terms with having the baby and got excited. I went for a scan which . they have to do if u want an abortion ( i kept it because i wanted to see the baby) The scan happened to be on my hg babys 1st birthday, the baby was ectopic. I cried and cried and cried like ive never cried before, ans that moment right there, i knew i wanted it but sadly it wasnt meant to be. I am sure its my fault for thinking of abortion, please give yourself some more time x

Thanks for your comments. I'm not really sure I have much more time to make a decision. I am 11 weeks today. I have contacted pregnancy sickness support and they have been very good. I still feel that I don't want to be pregnant. The difficulty I have is that I've been sick for 4 weeks. I'm currently having daily iv fluids and am unwell.
I don't know if it's just that I don't want to be pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy but now I'm pregnant do I just not want to be? Or is it all due to the constant nausea and vomiting? If it's just due to the vomiting then I will persevere but I really worry that deep down I just do not want to be a Mum and don't want to be pregnant. It is such a difficult situation and my mood is terrible.

As someone who has suffered with HG i can totally relate, i didn't want to be pregnant, i felt so poorly and i thought about termination, but i stuck it out and it was so worth it. I think once you start to feel abit better with the correct meds etc and your less sick, i hope that you will then want your baby x

How are you doing OP?

To be honest I’m 13 weeks now and miserable. The sickness has gone with regular medication and I’m able to do things. I just don’t want a baby and just want my husband and I to stay as we were. I keep thinking my mind will change but it hasn’t and over the last 2 months I’ve been so sad. An abortion at 13 weeks will be hard but so too will having a baby I don’t love. Thanks for asking. So yeah am struggling and need to make my mind up x

I felt like this for my entire pregnancy.

When I hit 24 weeks I cried hysterically as there was now "no way out" it was awful. On paper i had a really good pregnancy with minimal symptoms too. So I cant imagine how miserable you are with hg.
Have you tried antidepressants? Because you did want a child at some point or did you feel like you should want a child because that's what everyone does?
Pregnancy hormones mess with your head horribly. I didn't bond immediately once my baby was born but now 15 months down the line hes great and the feeling of not being pregnant was also amazing. But I hated it and desperately wanted a miscarriage I think the only reason I didn't try to have a termination was because I felt too guilty at having tried for a baby and bought it into existence.
I couldn't shop for it, hated telling people I was pregnant, could barely cope for the whole 40 weeks and 4 days but then it was over and it does end.

Whatever you do will be the best choise for you but the way you would potentially feel about the person you've made if you decided to proceed and the way you feel about the pregnancy are very different although it's really hard to imagine that separation now.

Thank you. I am having counselling and seeing the GP and midwife regularly. I have tried antidepressants but they didn’t help. I guess I’m just worried that my feelings won’t change as they haven’t yet. Lots of people said I’d feel better after seeing heartbeat, 12 week scan etc and I don’t. I had a harmony test due to my age and it’s a little girl which would have been my choice and I still don’t want her 😥 I don’t want her to have a mum that doesn’t love her. I’ve honestly tried everything I can to try to feel more positive about this baby. I worry I’m pregnant for the wrong reasons. I think a lot of it is at 34 the pressure to be pregnant and the feeling of failure at not having a child. People often say to me about body clock ticking etc. It took a while to fall pregnant and I felt happy then, felt like I was doing the right thing. But now I’m pregnant I just worry I’ve done it due to society pressure and people assuming that I must have fertility problems because I don’t have a child. I love my nieces and nephews. But I’m just not sure if it’s for me. Equally it might just be my lack of confidence and feeling that I can’t do it. I keep wanting to take the easier way out but obviously might have terrible long term consequences x

My feelings didn't change throughout the pregnancy, I constantly second guessed my motivations for why I thought I wanted it and it was horrible. Ultimately it is your choice and I think either option looking back might end up being "what was best at the time" I don't think there is a right choice for you here and there are negatives and positives on both sides.

It is a very frightening time. I was terrified of how much my life would change, of birth, of feeling nothing for the baby. I loathed my body changing and the giant boobs and all the restrictions I felt where put on me as a "pregnant person". Is there anything you feel you cant do or wont ever do again? Short of downing a bottle of vodka I'd try and go do somethings that you enjoyed before - for me it was cycling and running and having the occasional pint to prove to myself I was still a person and not a miserable incubator.

I think the biggest helper for me after he was born was seeing how much my partner loved him instantly, and that has helped me - how could I not learn to love something he loved so much? I enjoyed and also feared how much he looked forward to being a dad.

I would say really look into what abortion involves at this point and later, you still don't need to make a decision for another few weeks but obviously the longer you wait it might be harder, but please don't feel rushed - 13 weeks is still a time when the hormones are wild and it is a horrible feeling when you feel like a hostage to your own body.

I think what another poster said about 'it being the best thing at the time' is right. Whatever you decide, you have genuine reasons for that choice. It's just impossible to know how you'll feel in the future, isn't it? How do you feel about the thought of going through abortion at this stage? Do you feel like you'd be relieved or sad afterwards?

I've had two hyperemesis pregnancies with medication throughout and vomited through every day of pregnancy and labour both times and had antenatal depression throughout both times. Never got excited, hated every moment, wanted to die as I had no quality of life, couldn't imagine a baby and couldn't get myself bothered about it, hated the changes to my body and being weak and vulnerable and exhausted and nauseous, lay on the sofa feeling horrendous, just dark day after dark day for 8 months both times. Lost lots of weight and felt miserable and didn't laugh or smile the whole pregnancies pretty much. Considered abortion many times with both but remembered that for some unfathomable reason I had really wanted to get pregnant. I didn't want to abort and that longing come instantly back when the hormones went and then I'd regret terminating and have to live with it. Love my 2 dds more than life and love having children. My mental health is so much better with a baby/ toddler than being pregnant. Genuinely believe pregnancy and or hyperemesis can completely mess with your brain chemistry and screw you over with your mental health. Wouldn't blame anyone for terminating in these circumstances, I understand wanting the hell to end and the weeks stretching out unbearably ahead. Equally if you really wanted a child of your own before pregnancy I'd consider enduring the pregnancy with faith that your pre-pregnant self was of sound mind and wanted a baby, child and the lifetime of being a mother and this pregnancy is a time to get through if the logic of wanting all that still stands. When I'm looking back it all feels like an awful dream and the worst time of my life but I'm grateful to pregnant me for carrying on and not having a termination because I've got the family I always wanted now and the pregnancies and misery is in the past. I said to the midwives I'm so miserable I'm finding it so hard and they'd just commiserate and say it is hard. I don't think it's unusual to have serious doubts and feel depressed. Hardest and most traumatic time for me both times and my mantra with the second was I never have to do this again. My little girls are the coolest most brilliant people in the world and they enrich my life in so many ways and I am so so happy every day that I'm not pregnant any more. Best wishes op it's so hard and whatever you decide you're doing your very best.

Butterfly34 I am so sorry you are going through this 😢 when I had my first child (planned) I had a miserable pregnancy and when my baby finally arrived I went into shock. 36 hours went by until I finally looked down at this little girl with her bruised head, looking at me and felt a bond...and an overwhelming urge to protect her forever! She is 13 now 🙂
I'm a mother to 3 and am actually pregnant with our 4th and it's a huge shock...I feel EXACTLY like you do but feel horrendous for feeling that way and completely unable to terminate due to fear of destroying my mental health 😕 only difference is my husband has gone to pieces and thinks we should terminate...so you aren't alone and it's made me question whether the hormones are affecting my state of mind as they may well be yours. But I understand my situation is slightly different in that I am already a parent. There is no right or wrong answer but I do worry my husband pressing me to terminate could lead to me resenting him so much that our relationship falls apart...whatever you do don't stop communicating with your husband. Sending you a hug x

@Troubledmummy3 Just thought I would jump on this thread as saw your post & give you some food for thought, I terminated my 4th pregnancy in November due to my husband absolutely not wanting another child & treated me terribly whilst me trying to make the biggest decision of my life , had he supported me I would still be pregnant now, FF to now & everything is a complete mess the marriage is in tatters , my mental health is rock bottom am seeing a counsellor weekly & Im consumed by it So please think about YOU in all this and don’t make the decision for everyone else you can’t ever change it once its done and im paying that price now 💔

Op I think you are being very brave and very honest.
Please keep seeing help. Maybe try the anti depressants for a bit longer. They can take a while to start to help.
I hope your DH keeps providing emotional support.
Be kind to yourself.
Hormones can make us crazy - at times I have felt convinced that DH and I would get divorced. Totally convinced. We are 16 year married now.
That my two DS would be better off without me. We have a happy family unit and I have a good relationship with them and they love me.
Take one day at a time. You are doing better than your think.

Butterfly34 - I'm sorry to read you're still finding things hard and struggling to make a decision. I'm only writing another post as there's a lot of women who have gone through with a pregnancy and are saying it was the best decision for them, so I'm just trying to balance this out by saying terminating was the right decision for me.

If you had 2 pills - One, you could fast forward pregnancy and birth and within 5 minutes you would have a baby in your arms. The other pill, you could not be pregnant - Do you know which you'd choose?

I think a previous poster also highlighted a very valid point, which was... did you really want a child before you TTC or did you think 'that's just what you should do'? I will say honestly, I was in the latter camp - good relationship, financially comfortable, so having a child was obviously what I should do, even though I had never had maternal feelings as I believed the 'Once you're pregnant, you'll feel differently about it and want the baby' - Funnily enough, that didn't happen, so going through 40 weeks of sheer Hell seemed utterly pointless to me, as I wasn't overly convinced I wanted the outcome (the baby). It might sound really heartless, but I think I 'assumed' everything would be OK - after all, some people 'discover' they're pregnant, go through pregnancy, have a child and love their child.. so it was a total shock when I didn't feel any love / longing or positive feelings.

As time is ticking away - would it be potentially worthwhile looking to book an initial appointment with BPAS or Marie Stopes and see how you feel after booking the appointment? You don't have to go through with it, obviously - However, when I booked mine, I felt a genuine weight off my shoulders and that also said a lot about what I wanted.

I now don't care what people say or think - I would much rather never be pregnant again and every single person in the world judge me, than have to endure pregnancy again.

I hope you reach the decision that is right for you and are at peace with it soon.

Thanks for your replies. I booked the BPAS appointment. I felt very anxious and afraid. The appointment is today but I can't go. The storms have stopped the trains so I physically can't get there. I'm not sure I can emotionally go.
I'm in and out of hospital and just been discharged. I felt a bit better this morning about things. I think the iv fluids help. It is really really hard. The medication I'm on also seems to make me anxious but without it I do not stop vomiting.
I wonder whether to reschedule my appointment and maybe physically going there and not being able to go through with it will put an end to all these thoughts in my head about termination? If that happened it might bring me some peace. Equally I can see me going to the appointment on a day I feel awful and ending up going through with it to end my misery.
In answer to the pill question I wish I was never pregnant. I'm so weak I don't think I could cope with a baby right now and I'm not sure it's what I want. But the problem is I will have to live with having a termination and that's what I'm not sure I'll be able to.
I don't know what a termination at 14 weeks involves. I'm not sure if looking online is helpful. So perhaps the clinic would help with this.

For different reasons I have some awareness of the process you would undertake for an abortion at this stage (unless surgery is offered). This explains it without any graphic imagery. www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/resources/patient-information/gynaecology/medical-termination-from-14-weeks-to-17-weeks.pdf

I'm sorry you're still feeling confused about it all and the sickness hasn't let up yet. I think going to the abortion appointment is a good idea - they won't do anything on the day, I wouldn't think. Could you take someone with you?

Hi Butterfly34. I've read this thread with interest and sympathy. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although with some differences. I am around 3 weeks pregnant. I am 39 and this is the only time I've been pregnant. It was unplanned, but previously I would have assumed that if it did happen, I would feel okay about it.

I don't feel okay, in fact I feel horrified and desperate. Like you, I've just been wishing that a miscarriage would happen, or that I could turn back the clock to the time before. I haven't yet decided what to do - it seems such a momentous decision. But my current feeling is that I cannot go through with it.

I'm not sure I have useful advice to offer, but I wanted to say something because your post resonated so much with how I'm feeling. Thankfully I'm not dealing with medical issues as you are - that sounds awful. It would be good to hear an update on your situation if you feel like it, and best wishes.