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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Early pregnant, partner doesn't want it

101 replies

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 07:43

I have only just found this part of mumsnet! I am about 5 weeks pregnant, my partner doesn't want it at all. Openly said I'd be selfish to keep it and that there would be feelings of animosity toward me 😥
However I have started bonding with this baby. I had a termination before in 2015 and while I'm "okay" now, I'd love to go back and change my mind.
I am booked in to speak with somebody from the nhs about a termination, but I already know I can't do it.
But then I run the risk of my partner leaving, not bonding? Not coping? Resenting me?
I'm so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 17:06

He will never be able to be there, nobody will ever have all 3 children
The next appointment was middle of March, I still don't knowhow far gone I am so could be well into 12 weeks by then

OP posts:
littleV58 · 05/02/2019 17:26

@LeAmEl19 do you have any friends or family who will go with you?

Hopefully they will scan you next week & you'll know for sure. Sorry you're going through this ❤️

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 17:28

No I have nobody Sad
Yeah I was told to have a full bladder for a scan Sad

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 05/02/2019 17:51

You don't have to do this. I'm sorry I can see why it's sensible not to have another child but putting pressure on OP is disgusting. You do not have to terminate.

He refused to use a condom then he cannot blame or pressure you in relation to the resulting pregnancy. It's obvious why he's worried but it's his own fault and he should be being kind to you.

littleV58 · 05/02/2019 18:03

@MyKingdomForBrie 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

If I knew you OP I'd come with you. Please just make sure you're making the right decision for yourself xx

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:12

It's not the right decision at all. Not for me, not deep down.
I know people will say "oh you're only a few weeks gone how can you have bonded with it when it's not even a baby"
Because I have. I have lived through the pain of terminating before, it was without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done. Especially now when I've experienced miscarriages. I've lost babies, knowing that there was nothing I could have done but knowingly doing this to my baby? Feels so wrong.
I have bonded, I admit yeah 4 children so young would have been incredibly hard but I'd go above and beyond to make it work, to make sure nobody was left out.
But I couldn't do it alone, I'd need the support of my partner and he's not willing so 🤷‍♀️ I really don't feel like I have any other option

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 18:14

Itsa shame you won't use reliable contraception to avoid repeatedly ending up in this position. Get dh to have a vasectomy.

littleV58 · 05/02/2019 18:19

The minute you get a positive pregnancy test, you're immediately a Mum again. I miscarried back in September, so again, like you, know how it feels..

Can you try and talk to DP again? Maybe when the children are in bed and you're both in the right frame of mind to have a serious conversation? I know it's so so so shit but please don't put this blame on yourself. Both you and DP have the responsibility of contraception... if he knew you weren't on the pill, he should have wrapped it up... ignore people who are bashing you, that's the last thing you need x

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:22

Hollow, maybe because everything else has failed me before?
I was waiting on the coil appointment. Dp is too young to have the snip

OP posts:
Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:25

LittleV I tried, understandably he is worried about our other children feeling left out, two of them don't sleep as it is (5 month old baby what can you expect!) Neither he or me have slept through the night in almost 2 years so he feels another one would just be enormous relenting pressure.
Whereas im thinking about myself, being honest here!! I want to do anything to avoid getting rid of my baby but there's no option for that Sad
And I honestly feel like if i terminate, my partner will just forget about it and expect me to just be ok and get on with life. Fair enough that's up to him but he won't grieve, he won't show any signs that he even gives a shit and that to me feels even worse.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 18:27

He pote has 4 children so he is not too young f9r a vasectomy. In the meantime you double up on contraception I. E use 2 methods.

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:30

right now he has 2. He went Drs after our dd was born in august and they said no.
Can't afford to go private so that isn't an option sadly.
But they wouldn't give me the pill again, so like I said I waiting on the coil. A pp said I could go to family planning for the pill but I dont have anything like that near me.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 18:31

Condoms plus another method. There are lots.

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:37

He wouldn't wear it. Yes I know I know I shouldn't have had sex then.
I did take the MAP but as I haven't had a period since November I was probably too late in taking it.
There's lots? I can't have the implant.
The injection and the pill can't have those.
I was waiting for the coil. I don't like the idea of the diagram or female condom.
God it's like groundhog day. It's happened already

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 18:39

Well yes but if you continue having unprotected sex you'll end up here again and again and again. Your boyfriend sounds a total Loser tbh. Refuses to use contraception and then wants you to terminate the pg? FFS. Ditch him keep the babym

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:40

Well thank you, I had no flaming idea that it worked like that!!!!!!
Well no I won't as like I said, coil

OP posts:
Petitprince · 05/02/2019 18:42

Don't be pushed into a termination op. You will cope with your baby, Nd your partner may change his mind.

Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 18:43

Coil is not 100% effective so you still need to double up. Or not have sex with the hopeless boyfriend.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 18:45

OP you need to tell him no condom no sex Im afraid - there is absolutely nothing wrong with them

Two people are responsible for contraception

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 05/02/2019 18:48

He doesn't like them as they keep coming off but we'd both had a bit to drink and got carried away. I know if I have a termination the clinic will be quick to fit the coil so fingers crossed!

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 18:49

Oh, OP. Flowers What an awful situation and you've had it rather rough on this thread too! Do seek independent counselling--if you Google pregnancy choices counselling you should come across some helpful organisations. Good luck.

NotANotMan · 05/02/2019 18:56

Are you ok with this guy? Do you feel you can say no to sex with him?

Teapot1984 · 05/02/2019 18:56

You don't have to justify the "how" you got pregnant,it's happened now.

What matters here is what you want to do.Nobody should ever tried to pressure someone into an abortion.Unless you're 100% sure it's what you want,don't do.

You need to weigh up what's best for you and your children and although your partners allowed an opinion you both need to be in agreement about the next step whatever that turns out to be.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/02/2019 23:07

Your posts are screaming out that you don't want this. So don't do it. Have the baby, get sterilised at the same time, and known that you won't have to worry about this again.

If you don't have this baby, and then get sterilised, I don't see you getting sterilised any time soon as it'll be easier to put off, and you'll just end up in this position again, and again and again.

MsHopey · 06/02/2019 08:14

While no on should have an abortion because a partner is trying to force them (though what hes said is he doesn't want to keep it but ultimately it's your decision, which means he isn't really forcing you).
I can't see how 4 young children, 2 will basically still be babies, squeezed into a 2 bedroom house with no parent working and the last 2 children being after the benefits cap, no sleep and no help with childcare will be easy.
Money, space and resources sound like they're already pushed to the limit.
I don't know your budget or your family but it doesn't sound like your in a position for baby number 4. I you are pregnant now, but it sounds like it would have a detrimental affect on your other children to keep this new one.