Early pregnant, partner doesn't want it

[LeAmEl19]

I have only just found this part of mumsnet! I am about 5 weeks pregnant, my partner doesn't want it at all. Openly said I'd be selfish to keep it and that there would be feelings of animosity toward me 😥
However I have started bonding with this baby. I had a termination before in 2015 and while I'm "okay" now, I'd love to go back and change my mind.
I am booked in to speak with somebody from the nhs about a termination, but I already know I can't do it.
But then I run the risk of my partner leaving, not bonding? Not coping? Resenting me?
I'm so confused

Unless you've been incredibly unlucky and fallen pregnant each time unplanned only on one off occasions that you've had sex (what are the odds?) I suspect you've been having a lot of unprotected sex? What did you think would happen?

3 of my babies were planned, but one of them I miscarried

I think four kids that close together is bound to make anyone question if they want the final child. As he doesn't have to go through he termination it's easy for him to think of it as an easy decision.

I don't understand your stance on contraception though... the MAP is for emergencies not routine. You should be on the implant or injections/coil

You already have 3 very young children, neither parent works and you are in a 2 bed home.

Your 3rd child would be barely a year old when your 4th was born. And by the sound of it, you’d be doing it all by yourself.

Only you can decide what to do.

Ihave only used the MAP once so I'm not sure what your point is?
Can't have the implant, and I've been on the injection but got pregnant on it. Was waiting on the coil

OP both sound so naive

First off abortions are not a form of contraception - he needs to use a condom. If true you are ridiculously fertile so probably need two types of protection. No condoms no sex

Secondly get counselling - you need to properly figure out the impact on everyone.

He also needs to grow up unprotected sex leads to pregnancy he needs to realise that

Well I just tried to speak to him again
"You've got your views and I've got mine, whatever you decide is what happens"
Great

So you will have 3 children under 3 if you go ahead? Your house is too small now for the children you have. Sorry but you are coming across very immature. I also never believe the excuse 'contraception doesn't work'. It does if taken correctly. Please take some responsibility, learn how to use contraception.

Well I just tried to speak to him again
"You've got your views and I've got mine, whatever you decide is what happens"
Great

This is true though. He's told you how he feels and he's been able to be honest with you that he doesn't want another child.

You're in your early 20s, 3 children, a 2 bedroom house and both of you not working, I wouldn't say his decision is a wrong one.

But as the pregnant woman, the decision is yours. If you don't want to be making these decisions, you either need to be using reliable contraception, or abstaining from sex.

No partner never wants another baby

So you keep having "accidental" pregnancies. No wonder your partner is unhappy.

So much for not being judged 🙄
Me and my partner have had 3 pregnancies, so no I don't keep having them

You asked on here for advice - I think you expected everyone to say it as his fault - even now, when everyone agrees with him, you’re still hopeful someone will blame him

But he’s right - ands it good that at least one of you is being responsible and activity in the interests of your other children. Sometimes you have to make shitty decisions - you don’t always get to have what you want!

I disagree buttercup the problem is here is a man who knows his partner does not suit contraception refuses condoms and now is expecting an abortion as a form of contraception control. That doesnt make him right far from it.

But given the circumstances the OP does need to way up everything going forward

I think you need to tell him from now on either you use a condom, get sterilized or we don't have sex.
I actually think if he pushed for sterilization they would do it, reluctantly maybe.
you also need to wait until you have reliable contraception in place and that might be the coil plus condoms.
Your oh might push the doctors more if he thought it effected him more.
No advice 're the abortion but you do need to think could you manage being a single parent to 4 young dcs.

As such a young person who has had so many pregnancies, I am surprised you haven't been pushed/encouraged to get an implant or coil before now. You can't keep getting pregnant and then saying "Oh well, it's done now!" You have to stop getting pregnant. It's not fair on your partner, your kids or your poor body.

I think some people on here forget that there’s a real person behind these messages, with real feelings. Whatever you think about the OPs situation, berating a young pregnant woman in a difficult situation isn’t helpful. She’s asked for advice on her current pregnancy, not a referendum on every life choice she’s ever made.

OP, there’s really no good solution to your problem. In your situation, I think I’d get an abortion but no one else can make that decision for you. Can you arrange a time after the kids have gone to bed to talk all this through with your partner? I understand why he doesn’t want another child, but contraception is a two person responsibility and if he didn’t want to wear a condom, he should be dealing with the results of that decision with you, not hiding his head in the sand.

I really hate posters discussing a pregnancy in terms of contraception. It hardly matters once you're pregnant. You need to decide whether or not to have the baby, full stop.

Start with a list, pros and cons, and get independent counselling to help you decide. I sympathise with both your points of view, and it must be awful for you trying to weigh the negatives against really wanting this baby. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

However, after you make this decision, and either see the pregnancy through or don't, you BOTH need to deal with your feckless, irresponsible attitudes to birth control. He absolutely should be wearing a condom every time, without fail, and you need to be using a reliable for of contraception that works for you. He should go back to the GP about the vasectomy: no matter his age, he has 3 (possibly 4) children already, and clearly feels very strongly about not having a fourth. It is wrong of the GP to deny him that choice.

Yes I think I will just have to swallow my feelings and get on with a termination.
My heart absolutely doesn't agree with it but I can't always get what I want can I? 🤷‍♀️

Whatever you decide nobody is going to get what they want in this decision. Unfortunately there is no easy way out of an unplanned pregnancy and both termination or carrying on will likely cause some level of resentment or unhappiness for you and/ or your partner. Some feelings are going to have to be put aside to an extent but that doesn’t mean anyone is saying you have to choose the termination.

You have to consider the options and the likely outcomes of both choices and go with the one which you think will cause the least pain and sadness to you and your family. If the termination would feel more unbearable than your partner potentially feeling resentment then it wouldn’t be wrong if you go keep the baby. Ultimately it is your decision and I feel like termination is the one situation where the woman gets to put her feelings above those of the man.

If you want the ba y, and feel like you've bonded, then keep the baby. Everything else will work itself out in time.

At least if you have the baby, you can be sterilised during the section, and then that should be the end of this!

Don't make decisions based on your partner, beceifnyounfeel like you're having an abortion because of him, against your wishes, then it will be tricky for your relationship anyway.

I booked in next week for a termination 😭 it'll happen over my birthday as well 😭 and I have to go alone as we don't have childcare. Sucks all round

Wow what a situation! You already have 3 kids and pregnant with a 4th. You'll end up having 4 kids under six stuffed in a 2 bed house where at the moment neither parent is working. How exactly do you think you're going to make this work?

You really need to see your GP as soon as possible to find out how far along you are. If you haven't had a period since November you could be more than the suspected 5 weeks. I think you've both been irresponsible having sex without protection, especially when you know you're highly fertile and even contraception hasn't prevented pregnancy in the past.

I'd be giving this very serious though OP. Your set up isn't great to welcome another baby into, and putting the strain of another pregnancy on your body, so soon after the previous birth is reckless. Forget the "I've already bonded with this baby" stuff. You need to think what's best for your health, and what's best for your existing DCs too.

Sorry, cross posted OP. That's a shit situation, having a termination over your birthday and with no one there to support. Do you not have a friend you can confide in to go with you?

I have one who I've chosen to tell but she has her own problems and she's got a baby so wouldn't be able to come along.
Just feels very shit, I feel like I've made a decision that keeps everybody else happy but me

This breaks my heart.

@LeAmEl19 I have also had a termination so know the heartache you're about to go through.

Please try and re-arrange the appointment so you have your DP or someone there for support, please don't go through this alone... xx