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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Early pregnant, partner doesn't want it

101 replies

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 07:43

I have only just found this part of mumsnet! I am about 5 weeks pregnant, my partner doesn't want it at all. Openly said I'd be selfish to keep it and that there would be feelings of animosity toward me 😥
However I have started bonding with this baby. I had a termination before in 2015 and while I'm "okay" now, I'd love to go back and change my mind.
I am booked in to speak with somebody from the nhs about a termination, but I already know I can't do it.
But then I run the risk of my partner leaving, not bonding? Not coping? Resenting me?
I'm so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:37

Sorry that should say I got the MAP last month

OP posts:
littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 09:43

Ok you are in a difficult situation.
You need to calm down and try to think logically.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk it all through properly. Discuss why he wants you to have an abortion. As PP has said he has already had a baby you wanted and he didn't. He most likely has very valid reasons for his reaction. I suspect he is worried about finances first and foremost. Are you a SAHM?

You have three other children to consider here OP.

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:48

I have nobody else to talk to and he doesn't want to tell anybody cos he doesn't want the judgment of an abortion.
Neither of us are working atm, he is hopefully due to go back this week

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NoBirthdayHugs · 03/02/2019 09:50

I’m confused.

You say neither of you even remember having sex, but then you say he refused to use a condom and you had to take the MAP?

It sounds like you have both been reckless with contraception if you didn’t want a fourth child, especially if your youngest was a mistake and your abortion in 2015 was presumably another mistake?

Unfortunately now you are both in a very difficult position, if you keep the baby he will resent you both but if you terminate then you will likely end up resenting him. All I can suggest is that the two of you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this to try to come to some sort of agreement about what is best for the whole family.

LovingLola · 03/02/2019 09:51

Why did you terminate the pregnancy in 2015? Was it because he didn’t want it?

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:52

Yes it was last month I took it, I haven't had a period since November.
Termination in 2015 was with somebody else.
Like I said I was waiting for the coil being fitted, I've waited nearly two months for it!!! Ok I should have used something else in the mean time but what? Because everything else has either failed or I can't have due to health reasons, so why shouldn't he take control for once and wear a bloody condom!

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Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:52

No that termination was with somebody else

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LovingLola · 03/02/2019 09:56

So are your other 3 children with your current partner ?

LovingLola · 03/02/2019 09:56

What age are they ?

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:58

No only 2 are but he was on the scene before my eldest had even turned 1.
So I have 4 yr old (5 in june)
23 month old (2 in a few days)
5m old

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littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 09:59

Ok it doesn't really matter now whose fault it is you are pregnant. But maybe you will learn a lesson at some point. You have been pregnant 5 times in just over 4 years and it never seems to your fault 🤦🏼‍♀️.

What age are you out of interest? And are you married?

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:02

Also had 2 miscarriages!
I'm not trying to say it wasn't my fault? If I have had contraception failures in the past, I'm not going to try that contraception again am I?
No not married, we were due to be but have called it off due to being pregnant.
Both early 20s

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Buttercupsandaisies · 03/02/2019 10:04

Sorry I know it sounds harsh but I think this is your fault. If he didn’t want to wear I condom then you shouldn’t have had sex. Yes it’s the responsibility of both in theory but come on, it’s your body, it’s you who has to face the consequences and for someone who’s once had a termination I’m surprised you’ve been so wreckless.
I’ve had a termination myself and if anything I now double up on contraception so as not to go through it again. Waiting for coil etc are just excuses!

I feel for him I really do - this is one of those decisions you have to make for everyone not just yourself - sound v much like you’re forcing him.

Buttercupsandaisies · 03/02/2019 10:06

Seen your update - pregnant 6-7 times by early twenties are not contraception failures!!! You sound like a child sorry

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:08

I did go for the MAP but obviously didn't work.
It's not like I was just waiting for it to happen.
I've had the injection, the pill, and got pregnant on those.
The implant caused awful migraines and constant bleeding.
I can't have the patch.
I was waiting on the coil. The mooncup or whatever it is, female condoms I personally wouldn't want to try.
So not sure what else there was to use.

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littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 10:09

Well that's even worse 🤦🏼‍♀️ pregnant 7 times.

Maybe not but if you keep having contraceptive failures do you ever stop and think hmmm maybe I need to double up on contraception? Use a condom too?

OP I hate to tear a poster apart on here, especially a pregnant lady. But you really need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your actions. You are early 20s, you have three children, you have no job and you are not married.

ElspethFlashman · 03/02/2019 10:17

So you had unprotected sex and didn't take the Map this month. You did before but not this time.

Tbh this is bananas. If you don't want to get pregnant, don't shag anyone. I mean, you couldn't wait till next week when your coil appointment was? Of course you got pregnant! This wasn't a contraceptive failure.

I would not recommend any woman in her early 20s have 4 children on their own. If I were you I would have the termination tbh. You are too young for all this. Your life is already too hard.

If you do have a termination, please abstain until the Mirena is put in afterwards. This cannot go on. You are being hugely reckless with your health.

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:27

I don't think we did have sex this month, I took it last month but probably too late, meaning I could be almost 9 weeks gone?
It's hard to double up on contraception when I'm not prescribed anything, because two methods have already failed the dr wouldn't give them to me again.
Obviously I should have just not have had sex, but it's done now. There's no point harping on about it.

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Buttercupsandaisies · 03/02/2019 10:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:34

I don't mind tear me apart! I probably need it to be quite honest.
I'm really not trying to blame anybody but it's hard to hear being told this is all my fault, so my partner just gets off Scot free? I mean he's even told me not to tell anybody so then we can just get rid and don't get judged. So I'm supposed to be ok with that? Never acknowledging that I had a baby, a sibling for my current kids? Another grandchild for my parents? Quite unfair and it makes me quite sad tbh.
I want to do right by everyone but it seems no matter what choice I make, somebody will hurt. If I terminate then every day I have to live with that, and no I'm not ok with that. If I keep it, I have to be ok with the fact I may be a single mum before the years out. I don't know what to do

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Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:38

Unfortunately it isn't fake and this is my life, try not to be so rude please.
I thought it was just as reckless to take a contraception I know that has failed me in the past?
I don't think I have any of those clinics near me, although I know after a termination they'd be keen to fit the coil

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LovingLola · 03/02/2019 10:44

I think you have a very difficult choice to make.
How do you manage at the moment? Is your partner an active and engaged parent with the other children? Is your house big enough for a family of 6?
Given that you have had 3 sections already would you consider having your tubes tied after this pregnancy?

TacoLover · 03/02/2019 10:46

why shouldn't he take control for once and wear a bloody condom!

He didn't force you to have sex with him. You chose to knowing the risks.

He's already gone along with a baby that he didn't want. He's already tried to get a vasectomy and was denied it. I understand your DPs reaction although it was stupid of him to not wear a condom.

I don't think it's fair on your DP, your other children or the baby you are pregnant with to not have an abortion.

Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:47

I really want to make the best choice for estone, I don't want to force my partner to another baby just as I don't want to be forced into getting rid of it.
House is nowhere near big enough, we only have 2 bedrooms.
Oh yes I'd welcome being sterilized and as I said in my other posts, I think there's a chance they'd advise it as my health suffers greatly when pregnant.
Dp would have been sterilized back in August but they said he was too young. I think as this rate he'd give himself the snip.

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Original poster
LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 10:49

I've just calculated it, if this pregnancy is dated from last period, come tomorrow I would be 9 weeks Sad that makes me even sadder.

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