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Pregnancy choices

Is it an easy process to give your child up

120 replies

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:13

So I think, 99% sure I'm pregnant with my 4th baby.
I've had to name change as there's a current thread of mine running on this page. In my situation most people would say have a termination.
I have had 1 before in 2015 and I still bitterly regret it.
I'm now thinking of giving it up after birth. Is this easy, mentally? And is it an easy process? Or are there a lot of forms and paper work and counselling?
I have no idea what I'm doing or even what I'm asking tbh.
Please be kind

OP posts:
ChristineBaskets · 27/01/2019 13:16

Sorry to hear of your situation op, it must be very hard. I haven't had a termination or given a baby up, but I imagine it would be much harder to give up a baby after carrying it for 9 months than terminating. I hope you get some good advice/counselling to help you make your decision.

LoisLittsLover · 27/01/2019 13:17

You would need to make contact with your local children's services and they will arrange a joint assessment which will include an adoption social worker. They will not judge you and will be very kind. Court preocesses can't begin until baby is born so although baby can be removed at a time that you agree, the court process will be ongoing for a little while. Baby could be placed with potential adopters or interim foster carers during that time

EmUntitled · 27/01/2019 13:20

I think giving up a baby would be mentally more challenging than having a termination. I imagine there will be a lot of paperwork and meetings as they need to be sure it is what you want, that you aren't being coerced, and that everything is done right and legally.

OnlyYellowRoses · 27/01/2019 13:24

I haven't had to do either but what a horrible situation and decision for you to have to make 💐

I'm sure someone more experienced will be along soon to advise but I'm assuming adoption would be so much harder as you might have got attached to baby during the pregnancy not matter how hard you try not too?

Huge hug x

PinkHeart5914 · 27/01/2019 13:24

How is it going to be easier than an abortion? You bitterly regret an abortion so giving birth, seeing a beautiful baby and then walking away from it is going to haunt you just as much. Also adoption does not always guarantee a good life, plenty of adoptions don’t work out for the child.

You first need to find out if you are 100% pregnant, have you even done a test? Then a chat with the GP maybe they can send you for talking therapy now?

IceRebel · 27/01/2019 13:25

I would say giving the child up for adoption would be much harder mentally than a termination. Letter box contact is encouraged, as it's considered best if the child knows their past. As well as this you would have no choice in the child's parents, and would go through the rest of your life knowing they were out there somewhere.

Finally, and this is a big one, you can't make this decision alone. The babies father, family members, siblings would all be aware of the adoption and the child could end up staying in the family which I imagine would be very difficult for you.

EdkenePomtufe · 27/01/2019 13:26

I gave a baby up about 20 years ago, as it was a very much unwanted pregnancy, my ethics were anti abortion and the pro-life info sources I read made it sound easy.

It was utterly heartbreaking and it broke me very deeply. I am angry at the lies I was told by pro-life people who would never have to do what they were advocating that I should do. It is not easy.

On a practical level if you are determined to do it then it can be done. However quite sensibly there are many safeguards to ensure that you are really really sure, and you are given many opportunities to change your mind. To get through to the end point of actually willingly surrender your child you have to turn all these opportunities down, which feels like killing a part of your heart.

All this was a long time ago and I was in a different situation as I didn't want to be a mum at all at the time. 10 years later I did want a child, and and had a much loved DS and it was only really then that I realised the enormity of what I had done. I would give anything to change the past and take a different path.

Billballbaggins · 27/01/2019 13:27

I’d say if you bitterly regret your previous termination then you’ll probably find giving up a child even harder Flowers

Doyoumind · 27/01/2019 13:27

With an abortion it could be done with the minimum number of people knowing. With adoption everyone will know and that is going to be another thing to contend with on top of your loss. I think you need to seek expert advice.

ittakes2 · 27/01/2019 13:37

Have you considered an open adoption where you stay in contact with the birth parents?

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:37

Yes I have taken a test but it's considerably faint. I have no idea when my period is due as my periods are all over the place

Is it an easy process to give your child up
OP posts:
Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:38

This is it

Is it an easy process to give your child up
OP posts:
GreatestShowUnicorn · 27/01/2019 13:42

That’s definitely a positive. Those saying family will have to know. I’ve worked with social workers who have handled cases of relinquished babies where no one but the birth mother knows.

petmad · 27/01/2019 13:42

before you make any decisions find out for definate and take it from their no need to stress or worry if you arent.

SheRasBra · 27/01/2019 13:44

OP I'm very sorry you are in this position.

I have an adult friend who is adopted and also a friend who gave up a baby as a teen mother, many years ago.

My adopted friend spent many years searching for her birth parents, believing it would somehow answer questions she had and make her feel complete. She never found them.

My other friend, who would have liked to keep her baby ideally, left letters for him explaining why she had to give him up and has waited all this time for him to get in touch; he never has.

I agree with other posters that the adoption route is not the easier option it might at first appear to be.

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:45

I haven't had a period since November, I thought I was pregnant last month and even made a post on here about it but I had a small bled (last about 4hours) then test went negative and I never thought any more about it

OP posts:
FissionChips · 27/01/2019 13:46

Adoption will make the child suffer, knowing your mother kept your siblings but not you must be awful.

Termination would be the kinder action IMO.

Rufus27 · 27/01/2019 13:48

I agree with everything @IceRebel says.

@GreatestSHowUnicorn How long ago was that? Definitely wasnt the case with our LA. They consult wider birth family before looking for non-birth family adopters, and transparency/openness and some form of contact is encouraged at all times (albeit indirectly in many cases eg letter box contact).

raisinsraisins · 27/01/2019 13:48

If you have an abortion you are just dealing with it yourself with your DP. But if you give up for adoption then your DCs, relatives, friends, colleagues will all know, and it might be very hard for you to deal with their views and judgment.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 27/01/2019 13:50

If you regretted your abortion I think giving up a baby will be even harder. Especially as everyone around you is bound to have an opinion and your existing children may find it hard to understand.

Personally after having a termination myself and still feeling some regret and sadness I would still do it again if I became pregnant. There will always be those what ifs. I couldn't go through pregnancy and then hand over a baby me and my family had potentially bonded with whilst being pregnant.

anniehm · 27/01/2019 13:51

First of all you need to contact social services, they will arrange for an initial meeting where you can explain your situation and they will outline the process. They will refer you to a counsellor of some description and once that person is in agreement they will start to look for a family - ideally someone who can take care from birth. I believe they are meant to ask extended family at this point too but I may be wrong. I know someone who has just adopted legally who fostered from birth in circumstances like you describe and whilst different areas will have variations it won't be very different. You actually have 6 weeks post delivery I think to change your mind, and they really encourage the birth mum to spend at least a few hours if not longer with the baby to ensure you are still happy with signing the forms. It will be incredibly hard, but the option is available and from the other point of view, a much longed for family is created. Best wishes, I certainly could not do this but I've seen the adoption be amazing.

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 27/01/2019 13:52

I’ve had a termination which wasn’t a wrench tbh. I knew it was the right thing to do, and while it makes me sad that I had to do it, I have never regretted it. I already had dc at that point and knew I didn’t have enough of myself to give another child at that point. I really don’t think giving up a child is the easier option. I’m happily pregnant with my fourth now and the physical toll this pregnancy is taking is unbelievable, which is having a knock on effect on my mental health too. I was constantly sick for the first four or so months, and for the last two months I’ve been in acute pain with my back and pelvis, to the extent that I can no longer sleep and can’t walk on my own outside without crutches, it’s likely I’ll end up in a wheelchair in the next few weeks if I don’t want to be totally housebound. My previous pregnancies haven’t prepared me for this at all, and these problems aren’t guaranteed to go away after the birth. Having to go through all that knowing the baby wouldn’t be staying with me in the end would be incredibly tough, I think as much as you may think it’d be easy to hand over a child at the end of pregnancy, the reality must be very different. My grandma was adopted as a baby, she always thought her mother likely was young, unmarried and had no choice. She never wanted to trace her. I think there was always a lingering sadness in her though, I know she wasn’t particularly maternal to her dc and I was shocked when I had my first (unplanned) baby that she suggested I give it up for adoption. She was very unhappy in her adopted family so I couldn’t understand why she’d want that for another.


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EG2018 · 27/01/2019 13:52

Sorry If sound like a dick, but don't you use contraception?

fudgesmummy · 27/01/2019 13:55

I was given up for adoption nearly 53 years ago as a 5 week old baby. My birth mother was unmarried and I know she wouldn’t have had a choice.
Nevertheless I have had serious issues with rejection, a total inability to trust people and a chronic fear of abandonment my entire life.
Despite years of therapy I know I will never stop feeling I was unwanted by my birth mother, and I am “sloppy seconds” to my adoptive parents ☹️☹️

starabara · 27/01/2019 13:58


Thing is, whilst that’s an important question it’s totslly irrelevant at this point,isn’t it?

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