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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Is it an easy process to give your child up

120 replies

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:13

So I think, 99% sure I'm pregnant with my 4th baby.
I've had to name change as there's a current thread of mine running on this page. In my situation most people would say have a termination.
I have had 1 before in 2015 and I still bitterly regret it.
I'm now thinking of giving it up after birth. Is this easy, mentally? And is it an easy process? Or are there a lot of forms and paper work and counselling?
I have no idea what I'm doing or even what I'm asking tbh.
Please be kind

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/01/2019 15:18

I would have an abortion. It's still an embryo, not even a foetus.

that's your point of view, but it's now what other women feel.

I'm not talking about feelings. If the OP's other thread is the one I strongly believe it is, biologically, it's an embryo, not a foetus, much less a viable child.

What you may feel about it is a different thing. But zygote, embryo, foetus, and viable child are biological, scientific categories.

AlbertWinestein · 27/01/2019 15:21

If you are in the very early stages of pregnancy, I would have thought termination was a million miles easier than the heart wrenching ordeal of giving up your fully developed and birthed baby. Not least as it will have much less of an impact on your current children.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It’s a horrible position to be in.

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 15:28

What you may feel about it is a different thing. But zygote, embryo, foetus, and viable child are biological, scientific categories.

but we are not in a scientific class, all you describe are basically babies. You are talking about a human being in a shit situation with feelings. Whilst it might be easier for some to stop a pregnancy, it's not for others. A bit of sympathy wouldn't hurt.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 15:38

'm adopted. My mother was married and had three older children. I don't have 'issues', nor do I feel abandoned or resentful that she gave me up. She had a very good reason to do so and I am eternally grateful. My childhood was the stuff of dreams and my parents were wonderful.

I've never met nor do I have any desire to meet my 'other' family. Life has been good and I'm happy as I am so I choose not to 'rock the boat', mine or theirs.

OP, you do what is right for you. Giving up a child for adoption doesn't 'scar them for life'. It can be a great gift to them when the alternative (keeping them) would mean poverty or an unhappy life.

I don't know (and will not look for) your other thread so I don't know what's going on in your life. The only thing that I would be concerned about if it were me would be the attitude of the child's father and/or the attitude of your family and friends as far as pressure to abort or keep the child. Will the father agree to adoption? If you can have support (or at least silence) from them and the father is in favour all well and good. But if you are going to get grief from them at every turn or they'll never let you forget it, you may want to think seriously about how you will be able to deal with that.

Would you be able to use surrogacy as a 'cover story'?

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 15:39

It's a Sunday afternoon,who exactly am I supposed to speak to at this moment in time?
Getting it typed out has helped me to see that adoption probably isn't the best routue

OP posts:

Wonkypalmtree · 27/01/2019 15:51

Have you spoken to your partner about this yet?

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2019 15:51

It’s not the partner’s decision.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2019 15:54

CallmeVito, but we are not in a scientific class, all you describe are basically babies

No, I'm not. I'm talking about scientific facts. You can then add all the moral and religious considerations you like, but the fact is that an embryo is not a baby. You want to regard it as such, feel free.

Which I think is insane - miscarrying when you are 1 month into a pregnancy is not remotely the same as miscarrying when you are 6 months into it, and it's not the same as losing a child who has actually been born, and it's frankly insulting to suggest otherwise. But it's your prerogative.

Just don't think that it's anything other than your imposing your own values on reality.

LiftedHigh · 27/01/2019 16:01

Of the three choices - I hope keeping my be a way forward. It's not been discussed much on this thread.
What would need to be in place for you to keep your baby?

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 16:07

Keeping it, makes my heart soar.
But I just don't think it can be done.
We are currently in a 2+box room house, with very little money, due to be married in August as well.
What would need to be in place? Bigger house, more money, nanny/au pair. It would also be a c section birth meaning I'd be off my feet for a while, we have no child care for existing kids. Think last time we went out together was 2017??

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2019 16:12

If keeping it makes your heart soar then I would say you have already started bonding with this baby. If you can work out a way to fit this child into your lives then i imagine that is the way forward? Have you had any discussion with your partner about it yet?

explodingkitten · 27/01/2019 16:23

I think giving up a baby would be mentally more challenging than having a termination.

It kind of depends on the OPs thinking though, some people find it extremely difficult to kill an embyo or fetus and would rather let it live.

OP, you have a very very difficult choice to make. I really think that you should talk it through with a professional who knows about these matters.

If you do decide to keep it, would it be financially better to cancel the wedding for a registry office one and use the money for better housing? Or doesn't that free up extra money?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 16:25

Will your DP consent to the adoption? It appears that if you aren't married at the time of the birth he won't have automatic parental responsibility and his legal consent is not actually required. But you are in a relationship with him and since you plan to continue the relationship you would at least have to have him agree with you that it's the right thing.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 17:47

I don't expect dp would be involved much

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 17:54

Do you mean you think he'll leave once he finds out? Or just that he won't care what you do but won't provide any emotional support?

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 17:56

Yeah a bit of both. Our last baby was all down to me to make the decision

OP posts:

SummerStrong · 27/01/2019 18:02

Not sure if this is at all helpful...

I have a friend who has been an interim foster carer for a few newborns, they come to her a few days / couple of weeks after birth and stay with her until the adoption goes through (months later)

In her home the babies are very loved (she's a bit of a 'newborn guru') and the handover to new parents is very gradual. It's an amazing process to witness, and those babies are always so wanted and adored.

It's such a huge decision to make, and I'm sure your only priority here is your children (existing and unborn baby too) and what's best for them, however huge this problem feels, you will find the right decision

ILoveMarmiteToo · 27/01/2019 18:06

As an adoptee I’m very glad my birth mother didn’t have an abortion

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 18:11

Ah, well. I hate to sound like a bitch and this probably isn't the right time, but do you want to be with someone who doesn't really have your back?

My DH isn't perfect and we certainly don't always agree, but he's always been a rock I can lean on when I've had to make tough decisions. And he's been there to help me and support me even if he thinks I've made the wrong one. Nothing like the situation you're facing, but still, a partner should be there with active support not just say 'whatever, do what you want, nowt to do with me'. Especially when he's 50% responsible for the situation, iyswim.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 18:19

I wanted to add, your question was "is it easy?". No, I don't think it is.

Without going into great detail, my mum met my bio-mum twice. The first time was when she went to her and asked for me and my bio-mum agreed (long story), the second time was in court when she relinquished me. At the time I was adopted it was a requirement that my bio-mum physically hand me over to my parents in court as 'proof' that she was doing so of her own free will and not under duress or coercion (1950s, US). Mum said that my bio-mum was in floods of tears when she handed me over even though she knew it was the right thing to do. So was it easy for her? No absolutely not, I'm sure it was the hardest thing she ever did. But it was also the purest, most unselfish act of her entire life (as far as I'm concerned). She was thinking totally of me, this helpless 3 week old baby who deserved a better life, and not of herself and what she wanted.

You do what is right for that baby, whether it is keeping it or relinquishing it.

WordsFailMeAgain · 27/01/2019 18:24

I think a termination will be, not easier at that moment, but in the long run you can grieve and kind of move on.
An adoption is a lifelong committment as much as having a baby and keeping it. You will always be wondering and thinking at every birthday and xmas.

ItsMEhooray · 27/01/2019 18:36

Please god do not send a child into the care system. It is not the kinder option for them. Put them first.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2019 18:37

Please god do not send a child into the care system. It is not the kinder option for them. Put them first.
You don’t think a newborn would be adopted?

coffeekittens · 27/01/2019 18:50

In the long run I think that a termination would be easiest, for you and your family. If the pregnancy were to continue then your existing DC would ask questions, etc and you’d be carrying a baby for X amount of months and then not taking them home. I don’t understand why if you were to keep the pregnancy and not opt for adoption why you’d need an au pair or nanny? Especially as you don’t work 🤷🏼‍♀️

IdblowJonSnow · 27/01/2019 19:01

EG2018, yes you do sound like a massive dick.
Op, sorry you're in this position. I'd get off this thread and get some professional counselling.

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