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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Is it an easy process to give your child up

120 replies

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:13

So I think, 99% sure I'm pregnant with my 4th baby.
I've had to name change as there's a current thread of mine running on this page. In my situation most people would say have a termination.
I have had 1 before in 2015 and I still bitterly regret it.
I'm now thinking of giving it up after birth. Is this easy, mentally? And is it an easy process? Or are there a lot of forms and paper work and counselling?
I have no idea what I'm doing or even what I'm asking tbh.
Please be kind

OP posts:

EG2018 · 27/01/2019 19:11

@starabara I know that it's completely irrelevant but when she said that she had a termination in 2015, it just made me think she's been in this situation before.

But now I sound heartless.

Justaboy · 27/01/2019 19:31

This must be a almost impossible situation for you OP but it does seem to me you don't want to abort the child. If you do decide to have it and want it adopted I can tell you of Two couples we used ot know , moved away now, they were excellent parents and the sheer joy they, the adopted babies, bought to those parents lives was imeasurable.

But it does seem its very early days as yet so please seek help as i'm sure you will.

All the best:)

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 19:37

DistanceCall

miscarrying when you are 1 month into a pregnancy is not remotely the same as miscarrying when you are 6 months into it, and it's not the same as losing a child who has actually been born, and it's frankly insulting to suggest otherwise

How dare you! I have had early miscarriage and I had a baby who died at birth. You have no fucking right to tell me that one was worst than the others, they were all my babies I have lost.
You might feel not bothered about having an abortion, it's your right to, but don't you fucking dare telling others how they should feel, and do not come on here telling us that one baby matters less than the others. You have no idea.

Just don't think that it's anything other than your imposing your own values on reality.
which is exactly what you are doing, and patronisingly so.

At least some of us acknowledge that the OP might be crushed either way, instead of making light of one option.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 20:27

I have been in a similar situation yes but it was with a different guy, and it wasn't long after my 1st child was born.
Nanny because I'm going to massively struggle looking after 4 children on my own, it was in jest anyway. I couldn't afford it.
I am going to work in March I have had health issues which has left me unable to work.

OP posts:

KataraJean · 27/01/2019 20:45

Sorry this might be a stupid question, but are you sure you are getting all you are entitled to in tax credits or universal credit or whatever it is called now? Sorry for asking this because I know the rules have changed since I had to claim and it may be a pointless question.

I think the ‘my heart would soar’ comment gives you your answer, to be honest. What real life support do you have? Who can you talk to? Is there anyone who can help you out, rather than see you give up the baby?

I think you need to take some deep breaths and try to think clearly. You say your head is all over the place, so it is not a good time to make decisions. Get some rest. Speak to your local HV or CAB and make sure you are getting all the support you are entitled to, first of all.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 20:57

Yeah entitled to all we can get, but we are in debt with a few things and that's where the chunk of the money goes.
No there's absolutely nobody I could speak to

OP posts:

KataraJean · 28/01/2019 07:10

I am so sorry my comments were no help at all. What about talking to DC’s health visitor? My heart goes out to you, it truly does.

Newpregnancy0mg · 28/01/2019 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timmytoo · 28/01/2019 12:24

@FissionChips why would the child suffer if he/she goes to a good family? I'm adopted, it certainly wouldn't have been kinder to abort me incase I felt upset. That was so upsetting to read, my mother who can't have children who do desperately wanted them wouldn't have been able to adopt my brother or I as we'd be dead!! I'm pro choice btw, it was your wording that upset me.

I was adopted at 6 weeks, my biological mother stayed at the adoption home for that length of time as she wasn't sure she wanted to give me up.

In the end she decided it was for the best - 19 years old who had an affair with a married man who dumped her when she got pregnant.

I have the most amazing parents and family and had the best childhood ever. I'm so grateful. My mother can have children, both my brother and I are adopted, strangely he looks like my mum and I look like my dad.

I do have anxiety and had it my whole life which I believe stemmed from being with my biological mother who was so stressed and upset for having to put me up for adoption.

Timmytoo · 28/01/2019 12:28

Sorry for the typos. I meant my mother can't have children.

Callywalls · 28/01/2019 12:44

Timmytoo - my adopted ds feels the same - whatever mistakes his birth mother made, he (and me & my dh) and all so very grateful to her for not having him aborted. My ds suffers from issues due to neglect in his early childhood, something that has only just come out during his teenage years, but we are working through them together. We, too, have been told how much he resembles us and my darling late mum was thrilled to be told by a stranger in the supermarket one day how much he looked like his Nana!!

SnuggyBuggy · 28/01/2019 16:17

I'd also look at some long term contraception to try and avoid this situation again

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:20

What would worry me is if social services once involved might then decide that person is not fit to look after their other children and take them away too

Totally wrong

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:23

I think they will have to inform the father and wider family because the law puts an obligation on them to consider whether the child could be cared for by relatives. You could say you have no idea who the father is I guess

With relinquished babies there is more weight given to the wishes of the mother than when babies are removed by order.
If the OP is in an established relationship then the partner will need to be told, assuming OP doesn't claim he isn't the father, but even if he wasn't told he'd notice!

If the OP isn't in a relationship and doesn't share the father's name she can't be compelled to.

If she really doesn't want her parents told then they shouldn't be.

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:26

It’s not the partner’s decision

Actually it is. If there is a known father he will need to consent to the adoption or it can't go ahead

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:29

It appears that if you aren't married at the time of the birth he won't have automatic parental responsibility and his legal consent is not actually required

If the mother acknowledges him as the father - actually even if she doesn't, but she lives with him as a couple - he has de facto parental responsibility for a decision like this.
Legal relinquishment can't happen before 6 weeks post birth at the very earliest so talking about technical parental responsibility is meaningless. Judges don't look kindly on people who try to bypass other parents' parental responsibility on technicalities.

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:30

Please god do not send a child into the care system. It is not the kinder option for them. Put them first

Any relinquished baby would be adopted. This is a silly comment

SnuggyBuggy · 28/01/2019 16:33

The only thing that would stop a newborn being easily adopted would be a serious illness or disability I guess

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 16:39

Every baby and young child I have known that has been able to be adopted has been adopted, even those with serious and life limiting health issues, round the clock feeding tubes, developmental disabilities etc.
It might not be as easy as for a healthy baby but there are more adopters than babies so it is always possible.
And if the OP is healthy and doesn't misuse drugs or alcohol (as many mums of babies removed by care order do) there is a much lower chance of additional needs.

Callywalls · 28/01/2019 17:21

NotAMan that has been my personal experience too. When we attended the adoption interview and workshop we were told straightaway that there were no babies available only children aged 2 and above - most of the people on the workshop admitted they really wanted a baby. We were eventually offered to be matched with a baby but by that time I had fallen in love with a 3 1/2 year old boy who had had 3 placement breakdowns. I knew the baby would easily find a home so did not feel bad about not going ahead. Instead we adopted the little boy and have not regretted it for a minute. As you say, a baby voluntarily given up for adoption from a birth mother who has not abused drugs and alcohol will be very much in demand and will have no trouble in being placed for adoption.

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