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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Is it an easy process to give your child up

120 replies

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:13

So I think, 99% sure I'm pregnant with my 4th baby.
I've had to name change as there's a current thread of mine running on this page. In my situation most people would say have a termination.
I have had 1 before in 2015 and I still bitterly regret it.
I'm now thinking of giving it up after birth. Is this easy, mentally? And is it an easy process? Or are there a lot of forms and paper work and counselling?
I have no idea what I'm doing or even what I'm asking tbh.
Please be kind

OP posts:

Travisandthemonkey · 27/01/2019 14:36

Your doctor won’t do a pregnancy test.
Really
Honestly I hate to say this but this is all coming across as a lot of drama drama

Get a test from your doctor. Get your facts straight and make a grown up decision for yourself and for that poor fucking child

northernsummit · 27/01/2019 14:37

Tbf she's right travis, home pregnancy tests are so accurate doctors don't bother. HOWEVER, once booked for an abortion, the clinic will sort all that.

northernsummit · 27/01/2019 14:38

The clinic will also sort out contraception, four children and two unplanned pregnancies ain't good.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 27/01/2019 14:39

Yeah, I think if you have existing children, this is not necessarily the best thing for them. I can imagine that being quite traumatic actually. If you have more than one, chances are the oldest will definitely be aware of the pregnancy, as will of course everyone around you. Unless you go away for the duration of the pregnancy, I think it will be very very difficult.

LadyKalila · 27/01/2019 14:40

I was given up for adoption nearly 53 years ago as a 5 week old baby. My birth mother was unmarried and I know she wouldn’t have had a choice.
Nevertheless I have had serious issues with rejection, a total inability to trust people and a chronic fear of abandonment my entire life.
Despite years of therapy I know I will never stop feeling I was unwanted by my birth mother, and I am “sloppy seconds” to my adoptive parents ☹️☹️

I gave up a baby nearly 55 years ago, she was bought up in a loving home and was never made to feel sloppy seconds. I'm sad your adoption made you feel like that.

Unsolvedtheory · 27/01/2019 14:40

I have no experience of this, but with abortion you are making a decision that really, only you have to live with.
With adoption you have to live with it, your baby has to live with a lifetime of wondering why birth mum didn't want them, your family/other children have to live with the fact you gave away their sibling/someone related to them. Also you have to deal with the fact that everyone that knows you will need to have the situation explained to them.

northernsummit · 27/01/2019 14:42

FGS, people going on about adoption fifty odd years ago is not really helpful.

TacoLover · 27/01/2019 14:45

I can't imagine that it would be good for your existing children to watch you become more and more pregnant, have the baby then give it away. How exactly do you plan on explaining that to them? Will you tell them that they are more important than the baby you're giving away? Personally I'd have an abortion, that way the impact is only on you and not on your existing children.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2019 14:48

I am “sloppy seconds” to my adoptive parents

I am sorry you feel like that, but nowadays the hoops you have to jump though to adopt a child would weed out anytime that didn’t really, really want a child.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 14:48

Yes they will not do a pregnancy test, is that so hard to believe? Not drama but people telling me to go to the drs to get clarification isn't helpful when there's little the Dr would do. In my last pregnancy I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy (shoulder tip pain and hip pain) and they wouldn't do a blood test or send me for a scan.
I had even posted on here (years ago now) about it and people were saying that I'd have a fight to get a blood test, and they were right so it's not giving out Willy nilly.
No drama here, I am terrified.
I have nobody at all to speak to, my head is minced but I'll leave now, clearly this was the wrong place to sound off to

OP posts:

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 27/01/2019 14:49

Hi folks

We're moving this over to pregnancy choices now - we're not too sure that AIBU is the best place for it.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2019 14:49

How old are you other 3 DC? Are you in a stable relationship and if so does your partner know?

Relinquishing your baby won't be an easy process emotionally, physically and in terms of the process.

It will not be possible for no-one to know as you cannot shut yourself away alone with a young family.

What makes you believe that you won't be able to cope with this baby?

Snuffalo · 27/01/2019 14:49

Surrendering the infant for adoption will be much, much more difficult than a termination and it’s almost certain that you will change your mind and keep it. Don’t think you’re doing something noble and selfless by surrendering the infant for adoption, either. As an adoptee who knows many others, it’s a painful shadow over my whole childhood- so many unknowns, every failure blamed on genetics, an expectation that I should be ‘grateful’ for being parented and showers of guilt when I so much as hinted at curiosity about my birth parents.
From the other side, my friend who surrendered her baby regrets it every day and it’s destroyed her life.
So, there’s some truth for you. Make of it what you will.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2019 14:50

I would have an abortion. It's still an embryo, not even a foetus. There's no shame in it.

If you have a child and give them up, they will grow up knowing that their mother rejected them. I know people who were adopted and feel that, and it never goes away.

And from your point of view, I suspect carrying a baby to term and giving birth only to then have them taken away and given to other people must be devastating on a very primal level.

My recommendation: terminate.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/01/2019 14:52

How old are your children OP? After they've watched you go through pregnancy it will be very difficult to explain why you aren't bringing the baby home with you. I imagine it could be really quite confusing and distressing for them. For this reason in your position I would terminate instead.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2019 14:54

I am posting as I am SW who sits on adoption panels so i know a fair bit about the process albeit i am in Scotland and i know processes can be different here. I can try to answer any questions you may have.

Callywalls · 27/01/2019 14:56

I jumped through those adoption "hoops" and every day with my ds is worth it. I can never thank his birth mother enough that she was brave enough and unselfish enough to give him a chance at life and have him adopted. Please don't abort your baby - take time to think things through and if you do decide to have the baby adopted be assured that there are such things as Open Adoptions - you can keep in touch with the adoptive parents and have regular updates on how your child is doing. Be assured that a very young baby will have no problem in finding adoptive parents and it is more often older children who have suffered abuse and neglect who experience problems with adoption breakdowns (I have personal experience of this) again, this does not apply to all older adopted children - any parent can experience problems with their children whether it be birth or adopted children. Please don't rush into anything, be kind to yourself.

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 14:59

Newpregnancy0mg
instead of the GP, you can call the early pregnancy unit of your local hospital giving the date of your last period - not the small bleed.

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 15:00

I would have an abortion. It's still an embryo, not even a foetus.

that's your point of view, but it's now what other women feel. It would be so much easier if it was true, but it's not. Why do you think women are so devastated when they have early miscarriages otherwise.

It's not helpful to deny the feeling of a mother just because you resent things a different way.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 15:03

Reasons not to manage: our relationship is very strained. We've been together years but young kids is fast taking it's toll. (One of those kids isn't my partners)
I'm not currently working, so we have to manage on his wage which doesn't even come close to 900 a month.
I'm sure there's heaps more but my minds pulling a blank

OP posts:

PleaseLetItBeNapTime · 27/01/2019 15:05

I have worked with children relinquished at birth and the process itself is easy. Realistically there is nothing you need to do other than inform the hospital once you've had your child that you want to relinquish them. Social care will then need you to sign documentation to confirm this, they will go to court for a care order and your child will become looked after.

I know of individuals who have hidden their pregnancies from their family/children/and have gone down this route.

You could choose to have absolutely no input from that point onwards and to disengage with social care.

Emotionally, however, this would be an incredibly difficult thing to do alone. I hope that you have someone you can trust to talk to and to give you support OP.

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 15:06

Ok...so it's effectively three choices

Abort

Continue with pregnancy and the baby gets adopted

Continue with pregnancy and keep the baby

I suppose its about working out which option is going to be the least shitty for you.

madcatladyforever · 27/01/2019 15:10

It really isn't easy at all. I got pregnant at 21 and was thinking about it but a friend who had hers adopted some years previously said she regretted it everyday of her life since then.
Having been abandoned at birth by my dad I can tell you that the adopted child will also have very difficult feelings of abandonment.
I had my child and although it was really tough I coped and my son is wonderful.
I personally would rather have a termination than give my child away.

Birdie6 · 27/01/2019 15:10

My DSS is adopted, as was my sister . Looking at it from the adoptee's position I'd say don't do it. Both these people have suffered years of feeling rejected. My DSS in particular was shattered when he met his birth mother and found out that he had a full brother who she'd kept , then she gave DSS up for adoption. The idea that you could do this and then everything would go back to normal, is a dream and not reality.

Travisandthemonkey · 27/01/2019 15:17

You simply need to speak to an appropriate professional and not people on AIBU

That’s the bit I think is the drama.

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