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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Is it an easy process to give your child up

120 replies

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 13:13

So I think, 99% sure I'm pregnant with my 4th baby.
I've had to name change as there's a current thread of mine running on this page. In my situation most people would say have a termination.
I have had 1 before in 2015 and I still bitterly regret it.
I'm now thinking of giving it up after birth. Is this easy, mentally? And is it an easy process? Or are there a lot of forms and paper work and counselling?
I have no idea what I'm doing or even what I'm asking tbh.
Please be kind

OP posts:

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 14:03

Is there a reason why you are not sure about termination?

Vixxxy · 27/01/2019 14:04

I think giving up a baby would be mentally more challenging than having a termination.

I agree with this.

Vixxxy · 27/01/2019 14:05

And I will never understand people who come onto threads like this and bring up contraception, as if that would change anything now anyway. I find it quite odd really..and its obviously not helpful at all, but each to their own I guess.

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 14:06

How is it going to be easier than an abortion?
because you give a chance to the baby to have a good life.

The OP should check all her options and do what she feels is best. Either options is very hard and can break you.
At least with an abortion it's a private issue, with an adoption people will know or ask questions. Think about your current children, they will know. There's a lot to think about.

OP, I would contact my GP surgery first thing tomorrow morning. You need to know how far along you are pregnant, if you are. It's not impossible you were pregnant when you had you small bleed. The faster you know, the more time you will have to consider your options.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 14:06

I just really don't think I could live with myself after doing it again. It took me months to be ok with it, to stop saying "it'd be my due date" "it'd be babies first birthday" i don't thinkbi can live through that again.
I understand giving it up would be harder i dont even know if im thinking straight. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 27/01/2019 14:06

I am adopted and l have been very fortunate to have had wonderful parents, I did trace my birth family and although my mother had died several years earlier l know she often thought about me.
I thank her every day for being brave enough to give me life, then give me up for adoption when termination would have been so much easier. It was not for her an easy decision.
I have never had feelings of rejection being unwanted- l was very much wanted and loved by my adopted parents. My sister also adopted feels the same.
I thing adoption is easier now as the birth mum can give letters for the child to read when they are older if they want to.
OP you do not have an easy decision to make but if you do go ahead with adoption, it is a brave and selfless thing to do.

IceRebel · 27/01/2019 14:11

It took me months to be ok with it, to stop saying "it'd be my due date" "it'd be babies first birthday" i don't thinkbi can live through that again.

Trouble is adoption doesn't take that away, you will still have the due date, then each year on the birthday you will know that out there (or even worse still in the family) there is a child celebrating their birthday without you.

ItsAllBollocksAgain · 27/01/2019 14:11

I think I know your other thread, do what is right for you and your situation. Contact Social Services and always know you have options xxxx sending all my love xxxxxx

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 14:11

Is there no option for you to be able to continue with the pregnancy and raise the baby yourself?

Gravelface · 27/01/2019 14:12

The contraception question perhaps isn't helpful in the current situation but appears to be something OP should probably consider in future. I think I know which thread is running alongside this, perhaps talking to your doctor in general might help too, good luck

brizzledrizzle · 27/01/2019 14:15

Adoption will make the child suffer, knowing your mother kept your siblings but not you must be awful.Termination would be the kinder action IMO.

Not necessarily, my mother aborted two of my (younger) siblings and I've always found that hard to deal with.

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 14:17

Not necessarily, my mother aborted two of my (younger) siblings and I've always found that hard to deal with.

It might have been just as hard or harder to see your mother carry the pregnancies to term and then give the babies away?

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 14:18

And children don't need to know if their mother has an early stage abortion.

Xenia · 27/01/2019 14:18

What would worry me is if social services once involved might then decide that person is not fit to look after their other children and take them away too. Is there a way your parents could take the baby in instead or help a lot with it rather than getting social services involved? We had a relative who had one of the 4 surviving children brought up by the grandmother - this was a long time ago but it seemed to work okay.

Fiddie · 27/01/2019 14:23

I think it would be much harder than a termination.

You'll still be thinking it's their bday etc but you'll also be wondering if they are happy and wether you made the rough decision.

CallMeVito · 27/01/2019 14:24

Xenia that's a terrible thing to say! The rest is good advice but the OP really need to ask for help and scaring her about doing it is not helpful.

First thing is to find out if you are pregnant and if so, how far along you are.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 27/01/2019 14:26

Apart from the issues around abortion/adoption, you need medical attention, I think. From your description of what happened last month, combined with this faintly positive test, you may have had an incomplete miscarriage and have retained products (sorry, dreadful expression).

Rainatnight · 27/01/2019 14:28

OP, you might find it helpful to post on the adoption board, or have a search around that board. A few women who've been in your situation have posted about their dilemma.

brizzledrizzle · 27/01/2019 14:28

It might have been just as hard or harder to see your mother carry the pregnancies to term and then give the babies away?

No idea, she told me as an adult after a childhood of wanting sisters and it wasn't great TBH. DBro and I both found it hard, namely because it turned out our father didn't know.

Xenia, that's horrible to scare the OP like that.

FilledSoda · 27/01/2019 14:31

I think you're jumping the gun OP, see a doctor first.

northernsummit · 27/01/2019 14:32

Pregnancy and adoption

You go through months of the side effects of pregnancy.
You get fat
You give birth and the expense on the NHS
Everyone knows you are pregnant and thus everyone knows you gave up the child. A lot of people will judge you very, very harshly for this.
They may bring it up with your existing children
It would be stressful for existing children
You may become unwell and have to stop work
SWs will almost certainly try to find someone in your family willing to have the child
Child may well turn up 18 years later, again this would have an impact on existing children

Abortion

Pill. Some guilt (I think you should feel no guilt but easy for me to say)

I know which I'd do.

Best, OP.

Original poster

Newpregnancy0mg · 27/01/2019 14:33

Drs wont do anything though they won't do a pregnancy test (never have for any of my other children) at most they will refer me for a scan.
I've had 4 positive tests now ok only on the strip ones (can't get anymore photos to load ) and haven't bleed properly since the 27th of November?

OP posts:

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 27/01/2019 14:35

I think they will have to inform the father and wider family because the law puts an obligation on them to consider whether the child could be cared for by relatives. You could say you have no idea who the father is I guess.
I think you might be underestimating it when you say that it will be easier to place a child for adoption than to have a termination. It's your choice and I hope it works out for you.

northernsummit · 27/01/2019 14:35

Yes, I think it is established you're pregnant! In your shoes I'd see your GP and arrange an abortion ASAP.

Sorry OP - I think this really is the only way for you that isn't going to negatively impact on your existing children. It hurts, I get that.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 27/01/2019 14:35

It's a scan (perhaps combined with a blood test) you need, not another urine pregnancy test.

I've had 6 miscarriages and your account does ring some alarm bells. You said the test last month 'went' negative - I assume you mean you got a positive test then too? If you really were approx 8-9 weeks pregnant I would be expecting stronger lines than these (although obv strength of line is not an exact science).

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