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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Pregnant but don't want to be

100 replies

Reachforthestars18 · 02/04/2018 15:27

Hi, I'm 31 and eight weeks pregnant, no other children. I've made the mistake of telling everyone my news hoping it would feel better but after two weeks I still feel awful. I have never looked at myself as being the maternal type, I don't really like children if I'm honest. I had a strange childhood and although I'm past it I still feel that having children isn't for me. My bf is in shock and he's being very supportive, honestly he couldn't do more. I've done everything I can so far to make sure the unborn child is well but I'm struggling, I've hoped id see some good in all this but I don't. I'm in limbo and I'm so desperate now for something to help change my mind. This is my last resort. Any help will do.

OP posts:

NomsQualityStreets · 03/04/2018 10:38

I wasn't sure if I ever wanted kids op.

I fell pregnant just as we started planning a wedding so we postponed it. I went ahead with it as that's what I thought you do, find a partner, start a family etc
And I'm really glad I did. The beginnings were really really hard, lack of sleep, struggled to BF, having someone so dependant on you. But you get through it especially with a supportive partner and carve out some time for yourself.
DS is now 3 and he's fantastic, it's been amazing so far watching him grow from a baby to a boy and seeing his personality develop. We currently also have DS2 who is 4 months and it's lovely.

And I can't believe I thought I didn't want this when I found out I was pregnant.

SerenDippitty · 03/04/2018 11:29

willynillypie motherhood is not something to be entered into casually or lightly either.

MNHQ

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 03/04/2018 11:44

Hi there Reach,
We hope you don't mind but we have moved your post to a board we have called Pregnancy Choices. It's perhaps a better place for your query than AIBU, which can get quite heated sometimes.
We wish you all the very best with your decision.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 03/04/2018 11:46

I would suggest that OP go and have an early scan, and see how she feels when she sees the heartbeat.

What possible good would that do, other than emotional manipulation? OP knows the embryo has a heartbeat, that's just biological fact and irrelevant to the decision she makes. And if you're imagining she'll feel some huge rush of love then I wouldn't count on it - my pregnancy is desperately wanted after three miscarriages and I still felt a bit underwhelmed by scans - I felt a huge sense of relief (which I doubt OP would) but none of the tearful, 'that's my baby' love that other people describe.

Nothing in your OP suggests that you want children eventually and just aren't sure this is the right time, which is a very different situation. The decision has to be entirely yours, but it actually sounds in your OP like your mind is very made up - you can't see any positives to this at all - and you're, understandably, finding the decision to act on it, rather than determining how you feel in the first place, very hard.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 03/04/2018 11:53

OP, I suggest you make the plans to terminate the pregnancy. Give yourself every option, knowing you can change your mind at any point. But I found that making the plans helped me clarify what I wanted.

Ultimately you are the only one who has to live with your decision whichever road you take.

There is no easy option here, but there are choices. Wishing you all the best.

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 12:58

LisaSimpsonsbff

some people do feel a rush of love though - it might help her to make a decision either way.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 03/04/2018 13:03

Yes, some do, but I don't think it means all that much about how you'll feel about the eventual baby. If she sees it and doesn't feel much, then what? That doesn't actually make the decision, unless you think I should have terminated my incredibly wanted pregnancy because seeing a small blob with a flashing bit that I was informed was a heartbeat didn't do much for me? Whether or not a scan makes her feel anything is a very momentary emotional reaction - this is a decision with very long term consequences that she needs to think about rationally.

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 13:07

My reading of the post was that OP wanted something to make her feel good or positive about the pregnancy - just thought it might help her find something. Not saying she shouldn't also think rationally, or that it's a foolproof method - she has asked for any suggestions though and that's one I could think of that MIGHT give her a positive feeling.

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/04/2018 13:10

Speak to your doctor. Mine was lovely and they can offer counselling. That way you can be 100% sure before u decide either way regarding the pregnancy. It's your choice and im sure you will be supported whatever you choose.

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 03/04/2018 16:54

it didn't say it was disgusting to have an abortion, it is every woman's personal choice but to lie and say that she miscarried is imo disgusting.
She would not have had a miscarriage, she would have made a choice to end the pregnancy.

I would not want to be associated with some1 who could lie about something like a miscarriage, no matter what the circumstances.

If someone is going to have an abortion then they need to own that decision, and any1 who is going to judge her or be nasty about it isn't worth the Ops time or thought, but to lie about something that most woman find highly traumatic and is not their choice is going to achieve what? Sympathy?

LimonViola · 03/04/2018 16:56

If someone is going to have an abortion then they need to own that decision,

People have a right to private, confidential medical treatment, FFS.

feelinggoodinspring · 03/04/2018 17:18

Idobelieve Have you ever thought that a woman might lie because she is scared about what people will think about her or say to her about why her pregnancy ended?

Society can be quite brutal when it comes to abortion so it's difficult to know who you can confide in and trust and who you can't, unless you know for definite their attitude towards abortion.

If I found out a woman had an abortion but she had told me she miscarried, I would show sympathy for her situation and what she has been through. I wouldn't think she is disgusting ffs.

RoadToRivendell · 03/04/2018 17:18

it is every woman's personal choice but to lie and say that she miscarried is imo disgusting.

Why don't you fuck off? OP has a right to privacy, so butt out.

MadgeMak · 03/04/2018 17:34

I've had two miscarriages, I didn't find them highly traumatic and I have no issue with OP telling people that she has miscarried if she does decide to abort.

peachgreen · 03/04/2018 19:09

I've had a miscarriage and while I did find it highly traumatic, I also have no issue with someone having an abortion but claiming it was a miscarriage. People are extremely judgemental about abortion and until that kind of backwards attitude disappears I can absolutely understand why a woman would feel the need to lie to keep her decision private.

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 04/04/2018 00:12

@road Why don't YOU fuck off... oh that's right u don't have to because it's a public forum!!!

@Of course the OP has the right to private treatment, did I say otherwise?
Techniqually, she doesn't have to say anything at all.

@Madge Well I have 6 miscarriages and now an eptopic and found every single 1 of them traumatic despite 4 of them being 'unwanted pregnancies'. And I highly object to some1 LYING just so that they can save face and get 'oh u poor sweetheart, what a terrible thing, if there is ever anything I can do' as a response instead of some1 thinking 'she had an abortion, what a xyz'

feelinggoodinspring · 04/04/2018 02:17

I would be nice if women who have had abortions got a nice supportive response from people too. Because it is a traumatic, emotionally draining experience for many women. I would always support a friend or family member going through one. The last thing they need are people slagging them off and being nasty about it. So they lie about why their pregnancy ended so that they can deal with what is happening to them without people judging them on top of that. It isn't for attention or anything like that, it's to simply avoid unwanted judgement from people and like you said "save face".

Like I said, you never know who you can confide in and who you can't.

feelinggoodinspring · 04/04/2018 02:18

It would be nice

RoadToRivendell · 04/04/2018 07:37

And I highly object to some1 LYING just so that they can save face and get 'oh u poor sweetheart, what a terrible thing, if there is ever anything I can do' as a response instead of some1 thinking 'she had an abortion, what a xyz'

Your objections are of no consequence to any1 . Get yourself over to NetHuns ASAP.

specialsubject · 04/04/2018 09:39

The reason the father doesn't get the final say is because he isn't pregnant and won't have to give birth. Yelling doesn't change biology.

I wish the op the best in whatever she decides.

ethelfleda · 04/04/2018 10:55

I can't believe this thread has been turned in to this when the OP was after support. Shame on fairies
Maybe go start another thread?! preferably on AIBU as you'll get flamed

I also wish to add that terminations aren't always traumatic.

I hope you're ok OP.

Original poster

Reachforthestars18 · 04/04/2018 18:29

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this, I apologies its been very controversial and caused a few riffs. Everyone's thoughts have counted to me and its important that I see it from all angles which I strongly feel I have. My emotions have been all over, I feel I can be selfish and more than anything I realise the gravity of what it means to bring a new person into the world. My partner is happy and he's made so many preparations and of course his decision counts too... its not just my life. Admittedly I find the whole thing daunting but I also realise it will be something truly amazing too and I need to stop doubting myself. I think id have been daft to have gone into this willy nilly and not to have dared speak about my fears but now I'm certain that I want to do this. Thank you everyone for this. I cant tell you enough how much you've all helped and something great has come out of it.

OP posts:

Tainbri · 04/04/2018 18:33

really hope it all goes well for you OP

PivotPivotPIVOTTT · 04/04/2018 18:43

I went to bookmark on the last post and accidentaly reported it. Do I have to do anything now? Sorry

Glad you have came to a decision Reach and hope everything works out for you

Dragongirl10 · 04/04/2018 19:57

Glad you are feeling better OP, best of luck for the future with your DP and baby.

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