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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Pregnant but don't want to be

100 replies

Reachforthestars18 · 02/04/2018 15:27

Hi, I'm 31 and eight weeks pregnant, no other children. I've made the mistake of telling everyone my news hoping it would feel better but after two weeks I still feel awful. I have never looked at myself as being the maternal type, I don't really like children if I'm honest. I had a strange childhood and although I'm past it I still feel that having children isn't for me. My bf is in shock and he's being very supportive, honestly he couldn't do more. I've done everything I can so far to make sure the unborn child is well but I'm struggling, I've hoped id see some good in all this but I don't. I'm in limbo and I'm so desperate now for something to help change my mind. This is my last resort. Any help will do.

OP posts:
FartnissEverbeans · 02/04/2018 20:23

I didn't want children. DS was an accident and when I found out I was pregnant I cried for days.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. My life is infinitely better now that I get to share it with him.

He's snuggled up next to me in bed right now and this is the only place in the world I want to be.

peachgreen · 02/04/2018 20:40

@Fruitcorner123 Lots of people have said or implied they would keep the baby. I was simply offering my own, differing viewpoint.

I don't see what's wrong with positioning abortion as an acceptable option. It IS acceptable and for many women (not all, of course) it's easier than continuing with a pregnancy. And that's okay.

I wouldn't be without my little girl and having her has brought me immense joy. I would wish that joy on everyone who wishes to experience it. I just think it's also okay for OP to not be ready or not want her life to go down that path.

user1492958275 · 02/04/2018 20:53

I felt very similar until I had my first scan and saw the baby + heartbeat. My son is almost 8 and I'm now finally having baby number 2.

Amanduh · 02/04/2018 20:53

Your life doesn’t have to stop! Yes, your life changes in some ways, but you adapt. My DC has fitted perfectly in to my life. He makes things better and enhances my life, fits in to it, doesn’t stop it.

Does your boyfriend know how you feel? I would speak to him, weight up your options, and decide what is right for you. If you don’t want a child, and feel the child will be unwanted, have an abortion. Only you can make the decision. Flowers

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2018 21:11

Adoption or abortion.

No disrespect but I hate the way people say that as though it's a decision that should be taken lightly

It's one of the most difficult decisions a women can ever make and I'm sure one of the most traumatic things they could ever possibly go through.

Op my dd was very much planned. I yearned for a baby. I was the type that would see a baby being pushed and I'd start crying. However once I was pregnant at I really didn't Want to be. I hated every minute of it. Also I did have to grow to love her. Oh don't get me wrong the sun moon and stars shine out of her arse, now.
What I'm saying is. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. However I'm in no way trying to influence you. Good God this has to be your decision. I'd just anyone to hastily make a decision that they could regret.

Definitely your life doesn't stop. Yes it changes. It's bound to, However. All that about not be able to have a career and children is bull shit.

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 02/04/2018 21:17

I can't actually believe the amount of people recommending she has an abortion and then lies and tells every1 she had a miscarriage that is disgusting!

OP, Nobody else can make this decision for you and if you take a route (no matter what route) purely because other people thought u should then u are more likely to regret that decision.

My nan had a termination in the 50s (so u can imagine how that came about) and she didnt regret it, but when I got pg with my first pregnancy and was unsure what to do (like u I couldn't stand children) she said to me that no matter which of the 3 options I took it would be with me for the rest of my life.
The decision was taken out of my hands. However, with my dd despite trying for a baby for many years at week 7 I was numb again. I wondered constantly what I had done in getting pregnant. Those feelings only got worse as my pregnancy caused me more and more pain. Within an hour after she was born I already knew that something was not quite right with her, but I also knew without a doubt that I loved her more than anything and had made the right decision. Motherhood didn't start for me until I gave birth and it doesn't for many, many woman.

No matter what you decide to do own your decision safe in the knowledge you did what you needed to do
xx

Pinkvoid · 02/04/2018 21:19

Life doesn’t stop, it just changes. The world doesn’t doesn’t stop revolving because you have procreated. The most drastic changes happen during the first three years I’d say then it starts to get slightly easier. It definitely doesn’t prevent you from doing anything you want to do. I did a degree after having three DC.

Having said that, you are fortunate enough to have choices. I would advise running through both options with a trustworthy friend or even your OH.

An unexpected pregnancy is scary for anyone, at any stage of life. It’s worth noting you definitely don’t have to ‘love children’ to have your own. I still can’t stand other people’s children and am pregnant with DC4 Grin.

Gemini69 · 02/04/2018 21:24

Options OP... you have Options Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 21:29

peachgreen

Lots of people have said or implied they would keep the baby.

I don't think they have. They have given the OP positive experiences of keeping babies but that is different.

Holycrapwhatnow · 02/04/2018 21:34

If you don't want to be pregnant you absolutely do not have to be. Termination is not always a traumatic decision at all - my DSIS had a first trimester one in her late 20s after a crappy relationship and said her overwhelming sentiment was relief, and her only upset was guilt about this. Fwiw she told almost everyone but me and mum that she had lost the baby (true, in essence) and no-one ever pushed for more detail. 2 years later she was pregnant in much better circumstances and said that while her termination occasionally crosses her minds, she is glad her life has taken the path it did.

However - if you do really want to want a baby.. yes your life would change dramatically but with one child and especially as you are financially stable you will not need to lose yourself for 20 years. And your own children are always much more appealing than other people's.

I just wrote this on another thread, but when I sought advice on a pregnancy I wanted to want (but couldn't), Marie Stopes free counselling was excellent, very unbiased, confident and available right away over the telephone. Your gp may also be able to out you in touch if you just need someone to talk to.

Whatever you choose, you are not trapped right now and you should not feel guilty about your feelings. Most importantly we can all give different opinions but only you know the details of your own situation, there are people here with very strong opinions one way or another but ultimately they don't need to make or live with the outcome of your decision. Trust your gut, know that these things don't always have a clear right answer, just two different futures diverging, and good luck with your choice Flowers

willynillypie · 02/04/2018 21:38

I feel like a large amount of these responses are really pushing abortion, as though it's something very casual, to be taken lightly! Women have the right to choose and not be judged but I would suggest that OP go and have an early scan, and see how she feels when she sees the heartbeat. My pregnancy was very much planned, but I also had times during the first trimester where I was a bit "shit, what have I done!?" - you are very hormonal right now and this is normal. A friend of mine was pregnant accidentally and devastated by it. She tragically lost the baby at 9 weeks and realised how much the baby really meant to her. I wouldn't make any rash decisions.

Jessikita · 02/04/2018 21:39

I’d go straight to your GP and see about an abortion if you feel like this. It can take a while to get an appointment so I’d get one booked whilst you properly consider your options. I wouldn’t leave any delay.

Secondly is there an impartial charity you could discuss your feelings with?

EveningHare · 02/04/2018 21:40

I can't actually believe the amount of people recommending she has an abortion and then lies and tells every1 she had a miscarriage that is disgusting!

I'm not sure people are recommending that the op has an abortion, but knowing how judgemental the world is, saying she missed is saving the op of extra pain

Whatever you decide.to do op, it's the right thing Flowers

BlueberryButtons · 02/04/2018 21:42

All those recommending an abortion to the Op, have you noticed that she is 31+ weeks pregnant? Just a quick google search shows that “Abortion beyond 24 weeks can only legally be carried out if there is a grave risk to the life of the mother or there is severe foetal abnormality“. Pay attention - no mentioning of mother’s doubts whether she’s ready for that or not. I am all pro choice but the attitude towards abortion as if it was a safety pill, especially at such a late stage, is outrageous!
OP give yourself some time before you take any drastic decisions. After all, the baby’s father’s feelings should be taken into account too, especially that he is apparently happy to become one.

EC22 · 02/04/2018 21:42

You still have a choice. If you don’t want to be pregnant you don’t have to be. The fact you’ve told people doesn’t take that choice away.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 21:45

BlueberryButttons I read the OP as she is 8 weeks pregnant, and 31 years old.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 21:47

Blueberry

She’s 31 and 8 weeks pregnant Hmm

It’s not disgraceful to have an abortion, to lie about having one, why shouldn’t she? It’s what some women choose and any choice is a valid one

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 21:48

The babies fathers feelings are irrelevant under UK law too.

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 21:52

*Today 16:41 VladmirsPoutine

For some balance OP, for every person that says they had doubts too but since their children came along they've never been happier and couldn't imagine a life without them, there's a woman somewhere that rues the day she had children and regrets them. The latter category tends to have very damaging consequences for all involved. It's a massive gamble to take on the off chance you might come to 'love' them.*

Brilliant post from Vladimir. I agree with every word.

People saying that recommending abortion is bad because it's a huge deal really aren't considering how much of a bigger deal having a child for the rest of your and their life is.

It might not be just a few years of hard work. You don't know. You could end up with a child with health issues that needs 24 hour care for the rest of your life, too.

BlueberryButtons · 02/04/2018 21:53

My bad, I read it as the OP was 31+8 weeks Blush It’s obviously her choice and obviously her partner’s feelings are irrelevant under uk law but shouldn’t they be taken into account too if he is happy and willing to become a parent? If he buggered off, fair enough. But if he is there and supportive, shouldn’t it be their mutual decidion? Just a thought.

Nkhutch · 02/04/2018 22:13

Not all pregnancies are joyful. And it's natural to feel like that sometimes. I have a daughter already who I had as a teenager. Me and my dp tried for 5 months for this baby, and lost one along the way. After the initial omg were pregnant we did it!... I haven't felt joyful, as exited as I though, as connected to the baby as my last. I feel down a lot and miserable about everything. I feel like I'm getting ready for baby because I HAVE to not because i want to, and I crave that happy, excited feeling. Have a word with your midwife when you see them just to rule out any low mood/ depression. Pregnancy still can come as a shock when it's planned or not

TakeMeToTheFresh · 02/04/2018 22:48

Just to offer some perspective, OP, I wondered what the fuck I'd done when I was pregnant with my DS. And that was a planned pregnancy. But all I kept thinking when around everyone's kids all of a sudden is "fuck this for a laugh".

I just wanted to go home with DH and enjoy our life as a couple.

I even wondered what I'd do if my baby died. Not because I'd be sad, but because I felt everyone would suddenly realise I never really wanted him.

I was very prepared to expect PND when he was born. From the moment they placed him in my eyes, I would have killed for him there and then.

He also slept 9 hour stretches from birth and at 5 months, goes down at 8pm and wakes around 9.30/10am Smile

Life with him is fabulous, everything feels more complete and worth while with him.

I wouldn't have any more though. One is more than enough.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 22:52

No not really a mutual decision. Here’s totally

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 09:42

I think people completely disregarding the father's feelings is very sad - especially as these are the people who would be braying for his blood if OP did have the baby and he didn't want to be involved. If he is equally responsible when the baby will be born, why isn't he allowed a say!?

ethelfleda · 03/04/2018 10:31

willynilly

Because it's her body.
But this isn't the thread to start a debate on the subject is it? maybe start another thread?