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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Pregnant but don't want to be

100 replies

Reachforthestars18 · 02/04/2018 15:27

Hi, I'm 31 and eight weeks pregnant, no other children. I've made the mistake of telling everyone my news hoping it would feel better but after two weeks I still feel awful. I have never looked at myself as being the maternal type, I don't really like children if I'm honest. I had a strange childhood and although I'm past it I still feel that having children isn't for me. My bf is in shock and he's being very supportive, honestly he couldn't do more. I've done everything I can so far to make sure the unborn child is well but I'm struggling, I've hoped id see some good in all this but I don't. I'm in limbo and I'm so desperate now for something to help change my mind. This is my last resort. Any help will do.

OP posts:

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 16:26

Your mothers views are irrelevant.

If you feel you don’t want this baby then don’t. However life on hold for 20 years is ludicrous assuming child has no
Additional needs

Dragongirl10 · 02/04/2018 16:30

Hi Op, l felt EXACTLY like you say you do, and yet my DH and l had planned a family, l couldn't understand why l felt like my world had ended as soon as l fel pregnant, turns out l had prenatal depression... as soon as my daughter was born it felt like a huge dark cloud has lifted...
I had the same with my son, it was brutal, but at least by then l had identified that it was the pregnancy hormones that was the cause and immediately after he was born it lifted.

Also like you l was unsure of having Dcs, didn't like other peoples children..... in fact we only started trying as l was of an age to make a decision, and the other deciding factor was when l thought of my life in 10 years and 20 years time l felt it would perhaps be rather empty...

My advice would be to talk about how you are feeling a lot with those who will give you a sympathetic non judgemental ear, and see if your feelings settle, also talk to your DR about the possibility of the prenatal depression.

Lastly if you don't want an abortion, there is always the option of having your baby adopted if your feelings don't change.

Dragongirl10 · 02/04/2018 16:33

Also, having my 2 Dcs has given me more joy than anything else l have ever done, more fun, laughter, sheer happiness....l couldn't have imagined how enjoyable it would be having Dcs...nobody was more surprised than me!

VladmirsPoutine · 02/04/2018 16:36

Have you ever wanted children in the vague sense of 'at some point' or have you never wanted children at all?

You have options. However, time is ticking and I'd say that your emotions will be on a roller coaster until you've settled with a decision which you might never feel 100% about.

On paper it seems you're in the right place; supportive partner and financially very stable.

However, your concerns are very valid; having a baby is a huge commitment and considerably changes your life. It's going to be compromises all round if you have this baby.

WhereIsThisGoing · 02/04/2018 16:36

Have you considered you might have prenatal depression? I have a friend who was struggling with it, but felt miles better once the baby was born. During it, she felt exactly like you describe.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 16:40

OP you’ve said you don’t want to be pregnant. What was your attitude to having children - some day, definitely not or is it something you just have not decided other way? If definitely not, going ahead and hoping things will turn out ok is a gamble, whatever anyone says.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/04/2018 16:41

For some balance OP, for every person that says they had doubts too but since their children came along they've never been happier and couldn't imagine a life without them, there's a woman somewhere that rues the day she had children and regrets them. The latter category tends to have very damaging consequences for all involved. It's a massive gamble to take on the off chance you might come to 'love' them.

user1474652148 · 02/04/2018 16:48

I didn’t want children AT ALL
Spent my entire pregnancy pretending I was ill. The shock of the baby actually arriving was an earthquake but I looked at her and everything else just stopped. She was my world and some.

I am not saying you should continue this pregnancy of course you must do what is right for you. You need to some soul searching. Have you ever wanted dc?
It is your body and your life, you don’t need to be pushed into anything. Take your time

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 16:49

To all those saying "its not for 20 years" believe me it can be.

Most of you have very young children, at this stage of your life, the changes that will come in your life as they get much older can be .

user1474652148 · 02/04/2018 16:51

I am not sure op had prenatal depression she just sounds to me like she doesn’t want children.

And as pp said, it can be so damaging to everyone if this is something you have been pushed into and really don’t want. Don’t feel pressured.

user1474652148 · 02/04/2018 16:51

Has

user1474652148 · 02/04/2018 16:52

Latte

I agree it is not for 20 years it is for life pretty much

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 16:54

latte

Yes you do make a valid point.

ethelfleda · 02/04/2018 16:55

I don't think life stops for 20 years. It depends on what you consider 'life'

Life can be happy and enjoying time with your children as much as it can be other things as well.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 16:56

user are you saying your life ended with having children and you can never get it back? What can't you do and why not? Not even when they're adults?

My experience is that life changes but doesn't end. Am just interested.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 16:56

The day to day hands on with kids doesn’t usually last 20 years, although it can for some, but the worry, joy, pleasure and pain being a parent lasts until you die.

ethelfleda · 02/04/2018 16:59

OP - have been deliberating over whether to post this or not...

I have actually been in your position twice. Both times I think I had prenatal depression. Both times I wish for things to turn out differently. The first time I had a termination. The second time I had my ds. I regret NEITHER decision. The main difference being my gut reaction to the first pregnancy was very different to the second one. I felt utterly hopeless when I got a positive test. The second time I was very happy with my positive test. Not saying it's the same for you but that is my experience.

Tainbri · 02/04/2018 17:14

There is no right or wrong with how you're feeling. It depends on whether you have ever thought "maybe one day" or "definitely not!". I don't think there's really ever a good time. I remembered just feeling that I had lost my identity. I imagined that babies come with having to sit around in groups singing postman pat or having to do antenatal groups or zero conversation outside of comparing breast feeding and birth weights and it all left me cold. Would I suddenly become frumpy and fat and be incapable of anything other than blending parsnips or wiping sick? It seems totally mad now, but I was scared to death and totally miserable. My DH actually asked me if I wanted to keep the baby as I was in such a state about it. It doesn't mean your life will "end" as I found out, but it is different! Don't feel pressured. The choice is yours

YearOfYouRemember · 02/04/2018 17:21

Not every child is a wanted child. I know that as I wasn't wanted. As a PP has said, you can have a shitty childhood and be an awesome mum. Again, I know that as I did and I am.

Don't listen to your mum. This decision is purely yours and your partners. Be honest with yourself about what the issue is and see your GP to ask them to refer you to someone to talk too.

peachgreen · 02/04/2018 18:56

@Fruitcorner123 Bit of a difference between telling someone what you would do in their situation and judging someone for having an abortion.

MaryShelley1818 · 02/04/2018 19:18

So sorry you’re feeling like this, as others have said you do have a choice whether to continue with the pregnancy although of course that’s not an easy or straightforward decision to make.

I don’t like other people’s children and I never ever wanted children.
I’ve just had my first baby (he’s 16wks old) and I’m 40 next month and was terrified at my life changing and losing what I had.
However he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, it’s been incredibly difficult and I’ve shed many tears but when I look at him I feel like my heart could burst I love him so much. I understand not everyone feels like this but many of us do even after initially not being the maternal type.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2018 19:30

You do have options. As far as people knowing you are pregnant you can always say you miscarried if you choose to terminate. No one need know otherwise.

As far as giving up your life you may be surprised at how easily a baby fits into your lifestyle. Obvs that's not true in every case but I'd say it's more often true than not. No, you won't be able to do some things at the drop of a hat and some things may have to be set aside for a bit, but you may also find that those things aren't as important anymore.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 19:46

peachgreen i see your point but I just think if someone came on and said to the OP. "In your case I would keep the baby" they would be criticised for not being pro choice.

I think it seems easier and more acceltable for people to say "i would have an abortion" than it should be. We don't know enough about the OP and her situation to say that.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 02/04/2018 20:12

I've had two terminations so I'm certainly equipped to speak about that side of things. Both times were accidental but the fathers weren't really keen and I wasn't prepared to be a single mother.

OP if the pregnancy wasnt planned ( you say your bf is in shock, which makes me think it wasn't) I would consider a termination in your shoes. Take the time to really consider what you want. There's every possibility you will be able to conceive again at a time of your choosing when you're more sure. You have to be 100% because life with children is fucking hard for several years, however much you love them when they're there.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 20:15

I genuinely don't find life with children fucking hard. Just to offer a different perspective.

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