Unplanned 4th, wife won't consider termination

[theseraphim]

Hello,

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here.

we have 3 kids, 9, 5 and 4. all with some level of behavioural issue.

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and now with a 4th it will be too much for her.

We had discussed this previously and i made it clear i did not want more until the routines and house were in good order.

well fate screwed that up and now she's 3-5 weeks pregnant. I immediately suggested termination but apparently she "just can't bring herself to do it"

i don't know how to get her to see sense, between the financial cost, the physical and mental struggle (she was ill with 2 of the three pregnancies and almost had a stroke from one of them) and the fact that i really don't want more children right now it's going to be unmanageable.

she doesn't seem to be able to rationally understand the huge commitment she is forcing on the whole family.

i suggested termination for now, we can always get pregnant again in a few years once everything is in order but she is so adamant.

i don't even want to look at her right now let alone support her selfish decision (if it was later in the pregnancy i would understand but at this point it's just a yolk sac and a tiny ball of cells, no heartbeat etc)

i just needed to vent a little, but i can't seem to get her to understand that she is making the wrong choice and forcing her wishes upon me for no real benefit.

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch.

i just don't know how to cope with this without feeling angry towards her, how am i supposed to love a child i didn't want, whose timing will ruin all of our plans for the future not to mention the extra stress it will add to our already difficult children.

i know i can't force her, but it feels like she is forcing me because she knows i will step up, of course i will... but i would be doing it not by choice but by force.

what can i do?

Waiting for OP to come back......

If he's got any sense he won't!!

Op, you are allowed to be angry, and you are allowed to suggest a termination, you are even allowed to think she is being selfish, contrary to what other posters have written. You cannot help how you feel.

Just as my dh was allowed to suggest that keep the pregnancy I so wanted to terminate (and did)

It is your opinion, and you are entitled to discuss that with your wife. Your wife though, doesn't have to take your suggestions on board.

Ultimately, it is her body and she is entitled to carry on with this pregnancy as she wishes. I would suggest that perhaps you could make this easier for her, and help with the "basic running of the house"

"DavetheCat2001 Tue 11-Apr-17 10:27:25
Anyone doing anything nice for the second week of the Easter holidays?"

I was thinking it might be nice to just sit back and watch an old loop of Robert Kilroy Silk

Assuming OP isn't a troll, I know everyone has made him out to be a prick, but seriously, whilst he cant make dw have an abortion, she should at least consider his view. It is a joint decision. It mattered to me whether dh wanted to have more children.

NeonGod

if this is for real, yes, there's no denying the gravity of the situation. Kids with behavioural issues are exhausting. A new baby will do nothing to ease the what sounds like chaos.

However it is the tone of the OP that I sense most people are objecting to. He is pointing the finger squarely at DW when it's just a FACT that if you want to guarantee no further conceptions get the snip. Until then put something on the end of it.

Whether he likes it or not he is culpable of making this sad if it's true situation a reality. As culpable as his missus.

"everyone has made him out to be a prick"

Nope. He's made himself out to be a prick. As Legend and others have pointed out, it's his attitude, as revealed by the wording and tone of his post, that make him a prick. Of course he is entitled not to want another child. He is not entitled to blame his wife for the pregnancy, accuse her of being selfish and pressure her to get an abortion. And don't get me started on the assumption that it's her sole responsibility to run the household

However it is the tone of the OP that I sense most people are objecting to. He is pointing the finger squarely at DW when it's just a FACT that if you want to guarantee no further conceptions get the snip. Until then put something on the end of it.

This. You cannot force her to terminate, that would be barbaric.

I am also interested to hear how much you contribute to the daily running of the house and looking after dc. Because you make it sound like the burden lies solely with her.

Sadly, I don't think this is a troll. There are many people with attitudes like the OP.

I noticed this has been snapped up by the Daily Mirror surprise surprise...

So OP was a troll then? If anything, that's a good thing!

Ugh 🙄

I'm also hoping this isn't real. Not that i don't think people with the op's stinky attitude exist, I'm just not convinced that someone with such views would come to MN for advice.

But, in case it is real...I echo the majority here. You need to support your wife, not punish her. You can't force her to have an abortion if she feels she can't go through with one. She didn't get herself pregnant; you were a willing participant in that. Even if she hadn't missed a pill, it isn't 100% protection so everyone you have sex you're risking it. Maybe you should think about doubling up on protection in the future.

Every time

The heartbeat begins at 21 days (3 weeks).

At five weeks your child has had a beating heart for two whole weeks.

You want to stop a beating heart because your wife doesn't do the hovering enough?

Get a grip.

Actually, to be accurate, at that stage there is an electrical impulse that will become the heartbeat, there is is layer of cell matter that will become the heart, but an actual functioning heart with muscle tissue etc is not developed until about 20 weeks.

Yes, i don't think talk of how early a heartbeat develops is helpful here, especially as this is where people come when thinking about having an abortion. Although i know it was one of the Ill though our points of the op that people were arguing.

I think it's pretty clear that the op wasn't genuine or he would have been back to face down the criticism.

So it's OK to have a fourth child when you say so you are the fourth child you absolute tit.

Sorry but instead of being lazy, how about you HELP around the house? Domestic work should be 50-50. Time for you to get off your lazy arse and pull your weight. That is the problem with some of you sexist and chauvinist men; you think you shouldn't have to help around the house, it is women's work, etc. Sounds like you are effing lazy. Being a spouse and a father is 50-50, it is a JOINT effort. So get off your bludging lay arse and get to it! Get the vacuum cleaner out. Do the dishes. HELP your LIFE PARTNER, the emphasis on the word PARTNER - because it is a PARTNERship. Not all one-sided.

And again with the pregnancy, you show once again that you think the woman is responsible for ALL matters including birth control. You are the one that gets her pregnant, it is your penis and your sperm, therefore you need to take control of contraception. If things are really bad (and if they were, you would have stepped in to help, so obviously it doesn't bother you that much), then you would get a Vasectomy. I know men who've had it and there is almost no pain and it doesn't take long. Your wife would have less stress, less medication (which also means less cost in prescriptions) and you would not have to worry about her getting pregnant. Man up! Make an appointment to at least speak to your doctor about it, any way, at least.

I urge you to get a Vasectomy regardless, because by the sound of it, you are lazy slob, a lousy husband, and a deadbeat father who shows no respect for the mother of your children and no understanding that you have a JOINT responsibility to raise your children, to be a father and a spouse. You seem to be coasting by like a lazy slob. You are barely fit, mature or responsible enough to be a spouse, let alone father. In short, you a chauvinist lazy pig and it is well past time you took responsibility.

Forgot to add that I do believe she should have an abortion for all of the reasons you stated, but mainly because she clearly does not have a mature or responsible father for her children or this new one. All 3 children have behavioural issues? Well, is it a surprise when their father seems to not give a shit about his wife or the running of the household? What role model do you think you are being? What lesson do you think you are giving to them, especially sons if you have any? That men have no responsibility for either the household or contraception? They echo their parents, and you are not sending a good message to them. Your wife sounds like a mess and it seems you are the core reason for that. She married a selfish lazy chauvinist pig of a 'man'. Try thinking of someone other than yourself and how it will affect you and your life. And try and be a supportive husband and father.

Surprise her one day; arrange for her to get out of the house with friends for the day, and when she comes back, have the house vacuumed, dishes done, and surprise her with a nice dinner. DO SOMETHING for her, for once. Right now, I feel the only bad mistake she has made is choose a selfish, self-absorbed lazy pig of a 'man' to breed with. You are not a man. You're an immature little boy. Grow up and man up!

The best I can suggest is to seek the support of a psychologist. Also feel free to have an opinion on the matter and be ok with your wife having an opinion. You both share a difference of opinion on a life changing matter. and it is always OK to have a difference of opinion no matter what the opinion is. It is all about how it gets handled along the way.

This isn't a case where one of you like the green couch while the other is comfortable with black. everyone's emotions and fear is involved. Although, like deciding on the couch to come home with, you will need to decide on a game plan for going with either choice. sit down and look at all you options. This is not as easy to decide for her nor is it easy to decide for you too. I kinda get the feeling that you are not just venting but you want help to figure out what to do. Maybe someone to tell you to have the child and everything will be OK or someone to say do not have the child and everything will be OK.

She is invested in the safety and well-being of this child growing in her. That's a good thing because not all mom's have a maternal instinct to protect. So first feel comfortable that this is a positive response from her. She will be happiest knowing that she made a decision that she believes is right for the child. As a dad, you have an opinion on the matter and that is good. that opinion will be necessary in making a game plan for either choice. One of you will be happy and the other miserable if you make a choice that doesn't involve you both being comfortable with not being able to see eye to eye. you both can calmly and with an open mind look at the options and be ok with having a difference of opinion. create not 2 options but (ex to have or not to have). but create a 3rd option. For example to have and to get support or to not have and to separate. the key is to make the option your own. the third wheel option should help with releasing the tension otherwise add a 4th option etc. and then from that make a game plan. the options being the columns on a table while the rows could be for example time commitment by each; initial financial input. on going finance. the effect on the existing children (think of the kids not your emotion - most times the kids are happy for a new sibling). available support. additional support needed. etc. this is my suggestions but you will find your own would work best.

and Good luck! my prayers are with you and the family during this challenging time. I'm praying that this challenge will show you and your family how strong you really are... you are bigger than this and will continue to grow. I hope you find my response to be positive and uplifting without pushing you into either direction but giving you courage to draw on the strength of family.

On a side note. watch the blacklist. there is an episode when Liz had made a pro con list to keep or not keep the baby. the follow-up scene when Raymond gave an updated thought about untimely babies is really touching. I hope it doesn't change your mind but calms your nerve on knowing that you and your wife have the answer to the most ideal decision and the best way to decide.