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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Unplanned 4th, wife won't consider termination

124 replies

theseraphim · 11/04/2017 00:25

Hello,

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here.

we have 3 kids, 9, 5 and 4. all with some level of behavioural issue.

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and now with a 4th it will be too much for her.

We had discussed this previously and i made it clear i did not want more until the routines and house were in good order.

well fate screwed that up and now she's 3-5 weeks pregnant. I immediately suggested termination but apparently she "just can't bring herself to do it"

i don't know how to get her to see sense, between the financial cost, the physical and mental struggle (she was ill with 2 of the three pregnancies and almost had a stroke from one of them) and the fact that i really don't want more children right now it's going to be unmanageable.

she doesn't seem to be able to rationally understand the huge commitment she is forcing on the whole family.

i suggested termination for now, we can always get pregnant again in a few years once everything is in order but she is so adamant.

i don't even want to look at her right now let alone support her selfish decision (if it was later in the pregnancy i would understand but at this point it's just a yolk sac and a tiny ball of cells, no heartbeat etc)

i just needed to vent a little, but i can't seem to get her to understand that she is making the wrong choice and forcing her wishes upon me for no real benefit.

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch.

i just don't know how to cope with this without feeling angry towards her, how am i supposed to love a child i didn't want, whose timing will ruin all of our plans for the future not to mention the extra stress it will add to our already difficult children.

i know i can't force her, but it feels like she is forcing me because she knows i will step up, of course i will... but i would be doing it not by choice but by force.

what can i do?

OP posts:
Maxwellthecat · 11/04/2017 10:00

Just out of interest how does she 'struggle with the basic running of the household' ???

How come it's just her struggling? Do you not help?

This can't be real

HalfShellHero · 11/04/2017 10:00

Dear God hope this is a troll ...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 11/04/2017 10:01

I think she's already struggling with an 'unplanned 4th child'

YOU .

Plomino you win the Internet today matey!

blondehair · 11/04/2017 10:01

Maybe stop sleeping with her and you wouldn't have to worry about things like this.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 11/04/2017 10:03

I'm disgusted by your description of your baby. Your poor Wife.

jpclarke · 11/04/2017 10:04

It is her body, and I think you are very selfish in your request for a termination regardless of the circumstances. It will be your poor wife who will have to go through the physical and emotional upset of a termination and not just on the day for years to come. Do you know how many couples would love to just fall pregnant, a very selfish post all round.

PoorYorick · 11/04/2017 10:06

It's likely to be a troll, but only because it's been posted here, of all places. There are plenty of people who do really think this way. They just tend to go where they know they'll get more sympathy. Someone who comes to MN with it is either not for real, or very very dim. Possibly both, if they think this really is an uncommon situation and they've just made it up to be clever.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 11/04/2017 10:10

Such a GF.

bigdaddycomehome · 11/04/2017 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UppityHumpty · 11/04/2017 10:12

If she had pnd for the kids, and other complications, then OP I think you need to try a family intervention. Get someone to talk sense to her. As for her being unable to cope with the household - what do you mean here? Is she a housewife and not up to the daily bits of housework- if so get cleaners/cooks etc. Or is it something more serious like she's not feeding the kids or not bathing?

LettuceMash · 11/04/2017 10:12

Okayyy.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 10:13

< backs away from the crazy person >

ohtheholidays · 11/04/2017 10:15

In case this is real.

Do you help out with your 3 children and the house?If your not why not?If it's because of work,could you take over on your days of or afford some help for arround the home.

You said that all of your children have behavioural problems,is your family getting any help with that?If not as a family you should reach out for help,speaking to the childrens school could be a good start.

I can understand why you'd be so worried especially with your wifes health having suffered so much.But treating her like the enemy is not going to help your relationship at all,your poor wife is more than likely feeling all of the worries that you are plus she's the one carrying the baby and she's the one that could become seriouslly ill and on top of all that the man she loves has turned his back on her and is treating her as if she's a burden!

You need to find a way to make your home life better for all of your family and then you need to find a way to deal with how your feeling so that you can then support your wife and children with the changes that are coming.

Aderyn2016 · 11/04/2017 10:16

In his slight defense, if I trusted dh to sort the contraception (and couples do decide which one of them will take responsibility and trust the other to do it. Few people in ltr 'double up' ), I would be pissed off if he forgot and a pg resulted.

That said, it is a reality. The theory of not wanting a baby and the reality of terminating an existing pg are very different. Just because your wife didn't want another child, doesn't mean she can just terminate because to many people a pg is a baby, not just a bunch of cells. Given that she is the one who is pg, her view overrides yours in this matter.

Don't worry about not loving the child when it arrives. You will. It is actually quite hard not to love your own baby (barring pnd etc, which may interfere initually with bonding). You love the other 3 and you can safely assume you will love this one.

As has been said, now is the time to support your family - pull your weight at home and make the best of it. Don't be that dick who blames his wife because she cannot do what you would prefer.

DavetheCat2001 · 11/04/2017 10:27

Anyone doing anything nice for the second week of the Easter holidays?

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/04/2017 10:29

In his slight defense, if I trusted dh to sort the contraception (and couples do decide which one of them will take responsibility and trust the other to do it. Few people in ltr 'double up' ), I would be pissed off if he forgot and a pg resulted.

Stop it - if a pregnancy is genuinely untenable, then sterilise yourself, of abstain from PIV. It's not rocket science.

Don't blame for something you had half a stake in.

notapizzaeater · 11/04/2017 10:37

Wow, must be so stressful being your wife, not only the kids with issues but you too.

NeonGod73 · 11/04/2017 10:37

I don't understand all the hateful answers. This couple already have three children, all with behavioural problems, plus the wife has had health issues related to her pregnancies. On top of that it will be all financially costly. It would be totally wrong and illogical to bring a fourth child into this chaos. Everybody attacks the husband and his opposition to this pregnancy, when in fact he is not a lesser parent/individual than the wife, so why ignore his opinion?
It's not like this is their first pregnancy. It will be their fourth, FFS!
All you people who support the wife and this pregnancy, are you gonna be the ones who will raise all these kids on a daily basis and support them financially? If not, STFU!

Xenophile · 11/04/2017 10:37

OP you sound like a real catch!

You can't force anyone to terminate.

Had you really not wanted another, then you're equally responsible for that not happening. Yes, accidents do happen, but if you're adamant, then you do all you can to minimise that, you didn't.

Help your wife, or pay people to do that, and stop slagging her off.

Give your head a solid wobble and stop being a dick.

MaisyPops · 11/04/2017 10:50

Everybody attacks the husband and his opposition to this pregnancy, when in fact he is not a lesser parent/individual than the wife, so why ignore his opinion?

Because on MN if a woman is on the pill and gets pregnant (and the woman wants to keep it) then the man has to be excited because if he didnt want kids he should have used a condom
But, if a couple use a condom and it splits (the man wants the baby and the woman doesnt) then nobody will tell the woman she should have been on the pill too. They will just say "your body your choice" and he has to get over it.

If the dad responds by feeling anger, frustratoon, hurt etc then its just a sign of what a dickhead he is. Nothing to do witj a massive situation and life changing decisions that cause lots of us to have mixed emotions.

Basically, in these situations according to a group of people on MN the wishes of the dad dont really come into it at all.

For what its worth, im a feminist and pro choice. I just think that these things are emotionally complex and need to be discussed calmly and rationally once the emotions have subsided in BOTH partners. Only then can a productive conversation and way forward (either keep the pregnancy or twrminate) can be established. BOTH parties need to explore the facts and feelings of the situation and hear each other out.
Ultimately, at the end of that process it is the womans right to choose what happens to her body.

MaisyPops · 11/04/2017 10:51

Though in this particular situation, the OP sounds like an overgrown child who critiques his wifes parenting whilst offerinf very little.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/04/2017 11:09

NeonGod - of course a 4th child would likely be a disaster, which is why the OP should've booked himself in for a vasectomy some time ago.

NeonGod73 · 11/04/2017 11:12

MaisyPops My understanding from the post is this: they mutually agreed to use the pill as contraception, so why have a vastectomy on top of that? (as some people here suggested) Unfortunately the pill failed despite both of them trusting in it because the wife missed a dose. Why lambaste the husband for it?

Rawr · 11/04/2017 11:17

You sound entitled, but at the same time I can't help but feel your wife is selfish for wanting to have the 4th child when you're struggling with financial stability and 3 other children with issues.

MaisyPops · 11/04/2017 11:21

NeonGod73
Your take is similar to mine. Especially as the OP has said that he'd be open to a 4th child later when things have calmed down. So a vasectomy would be inappropriate.

I dont think the OP can be shouted at over contraception choices in their relationship.

I do think he can be challenged for how he speaks about his partner (maybe its out being emotionally stunned, maybe he is an arse we dont know).