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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Unplanned 4th, wife won't consider termination

124 replies

theseraphim · 11/04/2017 00:25

Hello,

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here.

we have 3 kids, 9, 5 and 4. all with some level of behavioural issue.

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and now with a 4th it will be too much for her.

We had discussed this previously and i made it clear i did not want more until the routines and house were in good order.

well fate screwed that up and now she's 3-5 weeks pregnant. I immediately suggested termination but apparently she "just can't bring herself to do it"

i don't know how to get her to see sense, between the financial cost, the physical and mental struggle (she was ill with 2 of the three pregnancies and almost had a stroke from one of them) and the fact that i really don't want more children right now it's going to be unmanageable.

she doesn't seem to be able to rationally understand the huge commitment she is forcing on the whole family.

i suggested termination for now, we can always get pregnant again in a few years once everything is in order but she is so adamant.

i don't even want to look at her right now let alone support her selfish decision (if it was later in the pregnancy i would understand but at this point it's just a yolk sac and a tiny ball of cells, no heartbeat etc)

i just needed to vent a little, but i can't seem to get her to understand that she is making the wrong choice and forcing her wishes upon me for no real benefit.

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch.

i just don't know how to cope with this without feeling angry towards her, how am i supposed to love a child i didn't want, whose timing will ruin all of our plans for the future not to mention the extra stress it will add to our already difficult children.

i know i can't force her, but it feels like she is forcing me because she knows i will step up, of course i will... but i would be doing it not by choice but by force.

what can i do?

OP posts:

elephantcuddles · 11/04/2017 01:57

What kind of behavioral issues do the kids have?

You can't "always get pregnant again" in a few years. It may not happen. Don't take anything in this life for granted.

Rawr · 11/04/2017 02:05

The BABY is created. Not imagined. Life begins at conception. Your wife needs support not criticism. Try it.

Oh lord here we go...

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2017 02:13

I have a feeling this OP has run away so fast he's crossed over two county lines by now!

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/04/2017 02:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

plominoagain · 11/04/2017 02:16

I think she's already struggling with an 'unplanned 4th child'

YOU .

LouisevilleLlama · 11/04/2017 02:33

whilst i think there needs to be some changes ( but there can't really be much progress without medical advancements and living in an ideal world) just reading your OP i could tell you were going to (quite rightly ) get your arse handed to you.

LittleGreyMeow · 11/04/2017 02:38

Another one who is baffled by how she actually got pregnant in the first place.

Only one thing she should be terminating IMO her marriage with you.

NameChange30 · 11/04/2017 02:40

"we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch."

We were on birth control?! No, it sounds like she was - you left it up to her. You clearly feel very strongly about no more children, so you should have taken responsibility and used condoms or got a vasectomy.

Her body, her choice. You're being selfish to pressure her into getting an abortion she doesn't want.

I suggest you do your share of parenting and housework, and the household might run more smoothly...

xStefx · 11/04/2017 03:55

She isn't selfish op, you are. She is inflicting nothing on you,
You are being completely unsupportive. How about you help with the kids and the running of the house?

xStefx · 11/04/2017 03:57

And your comment " I can't even look at her right now" you sound like a husband she could do without , woman sounds like a trooper

maggiethemagpie · 11/04/2017 07:08

Hold on a sec OP whilst I just go grab my popcorn.....

Mossop17 · 11/04/2017 08:12

if we all had to wait until we had enough money, good routines, tidy house etc etc we would never have kids! Kids bring chaos its a fact!

If shes struggling with it all she needs help, ideally from you as its free or from other family (hopefully free) or childminders/ cleaners etc and there are agencies out there that can give support for your other children with the addittional needs.

Many children arent planned and the families just get on with it. I cant see your "family" staying together for the long run if your wife is forced to terminate. Then what will you do with your house in good order and routines when the kids are split between 2 houses? or maybe she will leave them all with you and go and start again somewhere tidy!

Have you ever tried a day in her shoes? see how time evaperates and just sorting the kids so they are fed dressed taken to various things school/playgroup/drs apps or shopping for the families food. There really is very little time to get the house in good order! lower your standards, get help and deal with it

LadyGlitterSparklesSeriously · 11/04/2017 08:28

You weren't on birth control, she was. You could have taken measures to avoid this but you didn't. Own it.

What are you doing to ensure the house is 'in good order'? Are you struggling with the children or is it just your wife that deals with them?

You sound like an outsider looking in when you describe your family. Roll up your sleeves mate, get stuck in. The baby's not going anywhere.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 08:31

We've got a live one here.. ..

wizzywig · 11/04/2017 08:34

So op have you booked your appointment for a vasectomy?

treaclesoda · 11/04/2017 08:36

In the incredibly unlikely event that this is not a wind up...

OP you are indeed a poor excuse for a husband. She didn't magically get pregnant on her own. Vasectomies and condoms both exist, and you could have taken control yourself. Grow up.

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2017 08:36

MakeJam · 11/04/2017 08:37

The responsibility to use contraception was yours too. You blew it! Some of the things you have said about your wife are very unkind and you sound controlling and selfish.

And what a strange name you have chosen for yourself OP.
seraphim
Def:

a member of the highest order of angels in the celestial hierarchies, often depicted as the winged head of a child.
one of the fiery six-winged beings attendant upon Jehovah in Isaiah's vision

SoulAccount · 11/04/2017 08:41

OK, I can understand that in your position, and in your family 's position, you think a termination would be best.

But you really can't force your wife, and you know deep down it is her decision.

What you can do is work with her and support her to make this possible.

You had plans? Make new ones.

Sit down together and work out how you make life possible. Together.

Go through your budgets (unfortunately you won't get CB for this child), work out a 3 year plan. (When this new baby will get free nursery hours).

You said you would be happy to have another some time in the future, so just see it as a fast forward.

You are panicking about the short term effects.

Really talk, work out how you can mitigate those, together.

Gazelda · 11/04/2017 08:46

So what are you going to do if she won't bow to your command to terminate the pregnancy?

Ledkr · 11/04/2017 08:47

Nah! You aren't real surely

qualityjaisket · 11/04/2017 08:55

Bananamanfan · 11/04/2017 09:01

See you brought out the old "irrational" card too; She doesn't seem able to rationally understand...
You are under the illusion that your response is entirely objective & rational??
Take responsibilty for your life. Book yourself in for the snip, make an effort to care for your own children & home.
Most of all; show your wife the respect that would expect for yourself.

Jaysis · 11/04/2017 09:04

It's a bitch when your helpmeet goes and gets herself knocked up again, innit?

OnionKnight · 11/04/2017 09:05

Strap in OP, you're in for a ride.

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