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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Unplanned 4th, wife won't consider termination

124 replies

theseraphim · 11/04/2017 00:25

Hello,

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here.

we have 3 kids, 9, 5 and 4. all with some level of behavioural issue.

wife struggles with the basic running of the household and now with a 4th it will be too much for her.

We had discussed this previously and i made it clear i did not want more until the routines and house were in good order.

well fate screwed that up and now she's 3-5 weeks pregnant. I immediately suggested termination but apparently she "just can't bring herself to do it"

i don't know how to get her to see sense, between the financial cost, the physical and mental struggle (she was ill with 2 of the three pregnancies and almost had a stroke from one of them) and the fact that i really don't want more children right now it's going to be unmanageable.

she doesn't seem to be able to rationally understand the huge commitment she is forcing on the whole family.

i suggested termination for now, we can always get pregnant again in a few years once everything is in order but she is so adamant.

i don't even want to look at her right now let alone support her selfish decision (if it was later in the pregnancy i would understand but at this point it's just a yolk sac and a tiny ball of cells, no heartbeat etc)

i just needed to vent a little, but i can't seem to get her to understand that she is making the wrong choice and forcing her wishes upon me for no real benefit.

we were on birth control and she missed one dose and apparently that was enough to catch.

i just don't know how to cope with this without feeling angry towards her, how am i supposed to love a child i didn't want, whose timing will ruin all of our plans for the future not to mention the extra stress it will add to our already difficult children.

i know i can't force her, but it feels like she is forcing me because she knows i will step up, of course i will... but i would be doing it not by choice but by force.

what can i do?

OP posts:
diddl · 11/04/2017 09:06

Tbh, if you were planning more, just not yet then I don't really see the problem-other than you need to get on board & help get with the house/routine & take your part in making sure that there won't be any more...

Karanka · 11/04/2017 09:08

Vasectomy is the way to go, I think.

For a few days it feels like you've been kicked repeatedly in the balls, but I think in this case that might be on the way already...

thethoughtfox · 11/04/2017 09:10

All of your concerns are justified. However, to say she ' inflicted' this on you is a gross misrepresentation of the facts (see all above comments). It might help to clarify what is your role in the running of house and the raising of the children, the implementation of routines, what needs the children have etc. Perhaps then people could offer you advice.

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 09:11

I know you see it as just a yoke and a sack but having a termination can have a serious impact on mental health.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/04/2017 09:11

You poor, poor thing. Children with behavioural issues, an
incompetent, sloppy wife who doesn't keep the house properly, and now she has the cheek to disobey your wishes.

How do get through the days OP? Angry Biscuit

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 09:13

She's the one that will have to deal with the emotional fall out from a termination despite you both being responsible for the pregnancy.

sashh · 11/04/2017 09:17

It's the school holidays isn't it?

In case it's not, message for your wife - leave the bastard, you are doing everything yourself anyway so why have him around taking the piss. Cocklodger.

StewPots · 11/04/2017 09:20

Jesus... the wording of that OP made me think I'd woken up in 1895!

Your poor wife. "In good order"....what does that even mean??

You're going to, rightly, get flamed for this post, OP.

FairNotFair · 11/04/2017 09:23

i know this is a woman's forum mostly but i figured where best to get advice than here

You score zero for self-awareness, anyway.

PoorYorick · 11/04/2017 09:30

This will go well.

Reow · 11/04/2017 09:33

Is this a reverse?

If she cannot consider a termination then you must support her. It is your child, along with the rest of your children.

Perhaps you should book a vasectomy.

viques · 11/04/2017 09:34

step 1 . you phone your GP and arrange for a vasectomy .

Step 2 . You support your wife by acknowledging that you parent as a team, that you both have parenting responsibilities.

Step 3. You tell your wife that although the pregnancy is a shock you are delighted to be having another child, and you mean it.

step 4 . You make a lot more effort in all areas of your home life, in parenting, household organisation, physical and emotional support.

Who knows, if you make more effort you might actually find that you begin to love your wife and children , enjoy their company, and take pride in their achievement.

RatherBeRiding · 11/04/2017 09:34

This isn't real, is it?

minipie · 11/04/2017 09:35

You may be right that termination is the best idea from a practical perspective.

But:

(1) There are emotions to consider too. Practical isn't everything.

(2) You sound awful, and as if you have a completely unsympathetic and unsupportive attitude to your wife and children, so it's hard to feel any sympathy for you.

chickenowner · 11/04/2017 09:39

You cannot force her to have a termination.

You are also responsible for this pregnancy. Maybe you should have taken some responsibility for contraception, as no form is 100% effective. (Apart from abstinence of course).

I feel extremely sorry for your wife.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/04/2017 09:39

Take some responsibility for contraception, and have a vasectomy, FFS.

This can't be for real.

IDontLikeMyUsername · 11/04/2017 09:42

'What can I do?'
You can change your entire attitude. It's not the end of the world. Contraception cocked up, it happens. You are allowed to discuss termination as an option but as so many others have said if your wife decides against it then you should accept that and move on to how best to deal with the pregnancy and child together

Leatherboundanddown · 11/04/2017 09:43

You sound like a complete prick tbh.

WildKiwi · 11/04/2017 09:46

What you can do is support your wife and family.

You say that it's just a collection of cells, but to your wife it's not a collection of cells, it's a baby. I'm pro-choice, but at the end of the day, she doesn't want to terminate. You might want to think about the effect it will have on your relationship if you pressurise her into a termination.

You say she can't cope at the moment with the children and are complaining about the management of your home. What you can do is think about why she isn't coping and help her. Do you help around the house? Can you get her some help like a cleaner?

Rather than complaining and being angry, think about how to make this work. She's not being selfish or difficult, but to her this is your baby not a collection of cells.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/04/2017 09:46

This absolutely

cannot
cannot
CANNOT

be a real post. Surely?!?!?!

Topseyt · 11/04/2017 09:48

I did wonder if it might be a reverse, but there are men who think like this so I based my initial response on it not being.

ButtMuncher · 11/04/2017 09:51

You sound like a total and utter cunt. HTH hun Grin

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/04/2017 09:51

Fuck the vasectomy, I've got a much better method of contraception.
Never shagging your sorry arse again.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/04/2017 09:54

Mumsnet is turning me into an actual misandrist.

It's true.

JaneEyre70 · 11/04/2017 09:59

I think the OP is getting a bit of a rough time here. I had one child with behavioural issues, but with 2 other children it was still incredibly hard going at times and I'm the first to put my hand up and say I struggled. My DD would lose her temper and smash a room to pieces if provoked - the other 2 would get upset and cry, gang up on her to say it wasn't fair.....it was hell at times so having 3 kids with issues can't be easy.
That said, if you know she's struggling, is there anything more you could be doing to help her out? It's a thankless job raising kids at times, and I can't imagine she's not thinking that life is going to be harder adding a baby into all this? I could never have terminated a pregnancy and my DH would never have even asked me to, and our 3rd was a bit of a shock to say the least.
I think you both need to discuss this kindly and gently with each other - you have to accept that you may want her to terminate this pregnancy but she has every right to refuse to. And work out getting some help and support in place. For all of you.