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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

I don't know where to turn

101 replies

dirtyfabulous · 26/07/2015 19:22

I don't know what to write. I found out today I'm pregnant. I have 4 young children, recently started having panic attacks & am not long over pneumonia which I was hospitalized for. My mental state is so bad lately I was considering medication.
I'm a mess.

I did a digital test. 3+ weeks. Last period mid June. I'm living in Ireland. It makes it all harder.
I know I cannot endure pregnancy birth and newborn with 4 other children. I hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm do frightened. I looked at Marie Stopes website, medical abortion available in Belfast. I will call them tomorrow.

I'm so unbelievably terrified. Terrified of how this will change me afterwards.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from posting here, my DH is not speaking to me really. He's in shock I suppose. I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. It's only been hours since I did the rest but ive been concerned about my lack of AF but was putting it down to the fact my mental state has never been so bad.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 30/07/2015 14:45

Thurlow I think that is good advice to try to find a small bit of solace in the day.

Enormouse thank you for sharing your experience. It is so helpful to have an idea of what is ahead, especially the unpleasant aspects. I feel I can prepare myself more that way.
It is good to know about the coil, dh is booking in for a vasectomy over the next few weeks but that takes a while for the all clear plus I have very heavy periods and Dr suggested coil to me before.
It's great you got out so soon,fingers crossed it will be the same for me.

OP posts:
Baddz · 30/07/2015 14:52

I agree with thurlow.
Take books/choc/kindle/iPod/knitting/crafts - stuff you don't get change to do at home because you are so busy!

Enormouse · 30/07/2015 16:02

I'll try and jot down whatever I can regarding the practicalities so that you're well prepared.
Xxx

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 30/07/2015 23:44

Yes baddz I think I'll get a stash of magazines!
Enormouse it would be great to hear anything regarding practicalities,thanks.

I can't talk about this without getting really upset, I'm just so devastated.I'm trying to be strong & my dh is saying to remember all of the reasons etc but even at that I'm in bits.is this normal? I mean, does it mean I'm going to be full of regret afterwards.. I feel like I should be dealing with it better than I am.

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UrethraFranklin1 · 30/07/2015 23:51

You're dealing with it just fine. IT's not easy, and the extra difficulties involved in travelling make it worse. However you're feeling is normal, because its how you're feeling. Are you still clear and sure about the course of action? If yes, the rest just is what it is. Go with it, don't second guess yourself, this too shall pass.

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 31/07/2015 08:49

I feel it would be easier to just dig my head in the sand, tell myself I'll be ok & continue with the pregnancy.
Not continuing is the harder choice. But its the right one. Firstly for me & also very importantly my boys. I cannot have a baby for all of the wrong reasons, through guilt.
Even though this is a conscious choice to end the pregnancy, I still feel a loss.

OP posts:
UrethraFranklin1 · 31/07/2015 11:48

It would only be easier for a short time though. You have to think of the long term for both you and the family.
It's normal to feel a loss. It's a loss of not being part of that process, that experience, as much as anything else. And I think its common to think of it as a loss, though it is a concious choice, its not something you actively want to do, circumstances and life make the choice for you in a way.

However you feel is normal, and acceptable. There are people you can talk to at every step to help you with those feelings. Please do make use of them, or us, or whoever will help you most. x

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 31/07/2015 12:17

Thank you urethrafranklin.
You put into words what I couldn't .
I will continue to post on here, I find it such a support.

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Stingingthistle · 31/07/2015 17:55

You're very brave op. This is a really hard thing to do and in my experience it's normal for emotions to be all over the place. You know it's the right decision for your family and that will help you come to terms with it but you might well feel some mixed feelings and a sense of loss or guilt for a while and that's really normal - I actually think a lot of it is hormonal more than anything else, and doesn't necessarily "mean" anything. Definitely doesn't have to mean you will regret it or not be able to forgive yourself.

General anaesthetic and surgical option shouldn't require you to be in all day I don't think. You might be sitting in the recovery for a while afterwards but from what I remember it was more like an hour afterwards. When I was in there was some delay for surgical because the anaesthetist wasn't available but even with that I wasn't in all day (this was in a different London borough). They're probably just saying it to be on the safe side and it's definitely better to have plenty of time and not be rushing to the airport.

It's awful that you have to travel, it makes it much more of an ordeal. But fwiw Richmond is a nice peaceful place to be to clear your head. Hopefully you can go and sit by the riverside and have some time to yourself, and not be stuck at the clinic.

All the best.

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 31/07/2015 21:01

Thank you stingingthistle.
I would look forward to sitting somewhere peaceful like that, away from everything clinical.
I'm sure my emotions are going to be all over the place afterwards, they are already.
Without a shadow of doubt this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I just hope it's the right one.

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Branleuse · 31/07/2015 21:05

i had surgical, I was in and out the same day. Its just a d&c x

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 04/08/2015 11:56

I have a new appt this coming Saturday for surgical procedure. I'm terrified at the thought of it.
I feel like I'm living in a sort of hell this last 10 days. I'm scared I won't manage to hold it together at the clinic,going through all of the different steps. I'm particularly worried about GA and risk of infection afterwards. My GP doesn't know, because I'm in Ireland I'm not sure how it would be received. But if I have problems what then.
I have anxiety issues anyway so this is bringing it to another level. I'm so worn out. I really can't physically fo through with the pregnancy, let alone everything else. I know this is the best decision but its all so scary and all on me. My dh is great, says its ultimately my decision which he will support but its all so terribly hard.

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Branleuse · 04/08/2015 13:53

its hard, but now youve just got a few more days to get through, and then its over, you can heal. General anaesthetics are fab. Youve got much much less risk of any complications from a termination than you have from a pregnancy itself. Others have been though this, and others will go through it. ((hugs))

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 04/08/2015 17:05

Thank you Branleuse. I appreciate the reply.

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TheLastPickleInTheJar · 04/08/2015 18:19

"it's all so scary and all on me"

Yes, this is what i found so difficult. I had a supportive dh. I had supportive friends. But when it came to it, ultimately i felt alone. It's horrible. It's not the kind of thing any of us expects to go through.

You'll get through it, though Thanks

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 05/08/2015 08:34

It's an incredibly lonely experience. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it.

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TheLastPickleInTheJar · 05/08/2015 09:15

I know. But I promise you will. We all get through it somehow. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it will be easy but you will get through it. Then you'll be able to concentrate on recovering emotionally and physically. You're in the worst place at the moment i think. In limbo.

TheLastPickleInTheJar · 05/08/2015 09:19

How are things between you and dp now?

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 05/08/2015 09:29

He's being very supportive but saying I need to be 100% sure about this and the truth is I'm not,I'm tormented with it. I'm having nightmares about it. If I'm like this now, how will I be after. I don't know if I can come back from this to be honest.
There are endless reasons to terminate, but the thought of doing that... I'm consumed with it. I really fear the guilt& regret afterwards.

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Diggum · 05/08/2015 09:30

Hi Dirty. I haven't commented before as have just seen this thread but I'm a GP in Ireland an just wanted to reassure you if I can.

I have had patients come to me looking for advice both before and after abortions. While we can't actually make a referral, believe me, many of us are extremely angry about the situation and nothing but supportive of our patients having a difficult decision made worse by our archaic laws.

You will absolutely be looked after if there are any problems when you get home. Even if some GPs don't support terminations, their personal feelings aren't a factor, and all should be happy to help out with support, counselling and physical care afterwards. Consultations are totally confidential. No one else will know and you won't be in any "trouble"- sorry if that sounds ridiculous.

I'm so sorry you have to go though this.

Thanks
TheLastPickleInTheJar · 05/08/2015 10:03

dirty Sad I wasn't 100% either. I was totally conflicted. I did suffer with guilt, remorse and regret afterwards and it was hard. It still is. It will never go away. But, i did get through it. I'm not unaffected by it but i'm recovering.

Is there another option? Is continuing with the pregnancy completely not an option? I'm sorry, i can't remember what you said in your op and i'm on the app so i can't scroll back.

No everyone feels guilt and remorse. Some people feel total relief. Unfortunately we don't know how we'll feel or how it will affect us beforehand.

Have you sought some counselling? I think it would be a very good idea for you to talk it through with someone trained and impartial.

Good post by diggum. I hope that's gone some way to reassure you.

Original poster
dirtyfabulous · 05/08/2015 10:18

Thank you so much Diggum. I wish you were my GP! Your post has been a huge comfort.

Thelastpickle..I'm sorry that you have found it difficult in the aftermath. It was hardly a choice really, in these situations there is no right or wrong only what we feel is the best at the time. I hope you continue to heal. You sound like such a lovely caring person.
I did go to speak to a crisis pregnancy councillor. She was great.
Re continuing with the pregnancy... It is a possibility, but I have 4 children already. I don't know how I would cope with pregnancy, birth & another child. I'm worried about the affect on my DC. At the same time, I'm worried about how they would be affected if I cannot deal with the aftermath of termination.

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Stingingthistle · 05/08/2015 22:14

Flowers pickle and op.

It can be hard, I found it hard. But even so you do get through it. For some time I felt a huge amount of grief and I never thought I'd get over it, but the truth is my life is in a better place now because of the hard decision to terminate.

You may never feel 100% sure and that's ok. Your DH can't expect you to be 100%. You just have to make the best decision you can in the circumstances you're in.

I'm glad you've spoken to a counsellor and it's helped.

I really feel for you.

Branleuse · 05/08/2015 23:07

who is ever 100% about anything like that. Its always at least a bit of a headfuck

JacobFryesTopHatLackey · 22/08/2015 14:43

I'm so sorry op but I lost this thread under the hacking debacle. I'm enormouse btw

I hope you're doing ok and have come out of this on the other side Flowers