I don't know where to turn

[dirtyfabulous]

I don't know what to write. I found out today I'm pregnant. I have 4 young children, recently started having panic attacks & am not long over pneumonia which I was hospitalized for. My mental state is so bad lately I was considering medication.
I'm a mess.

I did a digital test. 3+ weeks. Last period mid June. I'm living in Ireland. It makes it all harder.
I know I cannot endure pregnancy birth and newborn with 4 other children. I hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm do frightened. I looked at Marie Stopes website, medical abortion available in Belfast. I will call them tomorrow.

I'm so unbelievably terrified. Terrified of how this will change me afterwards.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from posting here, my DH is not speaking to me really. He's in shock I suppose. I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. It's only been hours since I did the rest but ive been concerned about my lack of AF but was putting it down to the fact my mental state has never been so bad.
Thanks for reading

I don't really have any helpful advice for you, but I just wanted to offer my support. You've been through so much lately, anaemia is just awful and pneumonia on top of that must have completely drained you. You are obviously a wonderful mother who is doing your best during really hard circumstances. You have a family whose needs you're trying to meet, but your mental and physical health are important too. You matter. I wish I could come and help you out, but I live half way around the world - I would if I could

I have had 2 surgical terminations as I couldn't cope with the thought of the pills not working/having to go back.
I don't remember any heavy bleeding.

Enormouse my sister is a huge support, she will be looking after the boys next week when I travel & be here in the following days. My mil is also on hand to help with the dc, she takes them for a few days at a time in the holidays. I wouldn't tell anyone other than my sister about the pregnancy. She's an excellent support.
I am exhausted.

How are you doing today, dirty?

Hi Thurlow,
I'm not sure how I am tbh...
I have no doubt in my mind that I simply could not physically endure another pregnancy. If I did,and had another baby I would be an utter wreck and simply wouldn't cope BUT I'm really scared I won't be able to move on from it,forgive myself and be at peace with my decision.
Then I think I can't go through with it all out of guilt. I think I will be able to eventually move on but the fact is I'm afraid I won't.

Also, I'm coming to the realization that the surgical option may be the one to go with Flying home etc & the risk of retained tissue however small, is a concern.
I'm just really scared right now

Oh, dirty

It really is normal to feel this way. There are very few women who go through this situation guilt free - even if they are very comfortable with their decision. And you have only had a few days to deal with this. Remember that you are hormonal, and scared, and shocked, and everything feels enormous and terrifying right now.

Have you spoken to a counsellor yet? Please be honest with them. Talk to the ASN as well. There is support out there for you to talk to them now, and continue to talk to them afterwards as well. It's ok to be scared about how you bring this into your life going forward, and how you come to terms with it. And I think it is fantastic that you recognise that now; it's half the battle. You are recognising it and you can find support for it.

I know a random person on the internet cannot make things any better for you. But fwiw, I think you are doing the right thing. Very, very much so. You are doing this because you love your children and you want to be the best mum for them, and going through another pregnancy and having another baby will not be the best for them. Bad things happen. Contraception fails. None of it is what any of us want to happen, but sometimes it does. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

We're all here holding your hand. And your sister sounds like wonderful support

Thanks so much for the support Thurlow.
I have an appt with a councillor on Saturday. They also offer counselling and medical aftercare once I get home.

I know deep down this is the way to go. My sister told me this morning she would be really scared for me if I had another baby. She has seen my gradual demise over the past year especially. My dh is also worried for similar reasons.

You feel all kinds of things afterwards, but don't try and anticipate it. Save it for after, for now keep on telling yourself that your decision is made, its the best one in a bad circumstance and there are things that need to be done.
It is scary, and the travelling and all makes it so much worse.Its normal to be scared. But it is what it is and you will be ok. It's a very safe procedure, its very very unlikely to have any side effects, and lots of women do the same trip, try and be reassured by how (unfortunately) common it is.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but you are able for it. You'll get through it x

My overwhelming emotion both times was relief tbh.

Baddz I sincerely hope I feel similar.

Urethrafranklin I've been reading so much about people regrettingregretting their terminations, becoming depressed,craving their child.. Not helpful to me but the sad reality is some people feel this way & I cannot help but worry about the aftermath.
My dh said if I can't forgive myself& eventually put this behind me I shouldn't go through with it. I hope I can because another child is just too much for me sadly.

I remember just feeling so grateful I had this option.
I hope that doesn't sound flippant, but my mum is one of 17. My poor gm had no choice and it killed her. Her body just wore out. A kid every 18m/2 years will do that :(
I hope you make the decision that's right for you and your family.
Xx

That's a very interesting way to look at it baddz and it's made me realise I too feel grateful I have this choice. Thank you.
My own grandmother had 15 children, she had a tough life, full of hardship.
Your post has been very helpful.

dirty I had pnd and anaemia after DS2. As well as a trapped nerve in my back. I love DS2 but another one like him so soon would've killed me. I feared for my mental and physical well being. And I had to consider the DSes too. I wouldn't have coped with another bout of depression and 3 little ones.

It was the right choice to make and I put being a good mum of two over being a passable/uncertain/terrible mum of three.

That sounds rough Enormouse and you obviously made your choice with the best interests of your sons at heart.
My own boys are at the forefront of my mind as well. I love them more than I can say and hate the thought of not being the mother they deserve if I had another baby.
I'm just so incredibly sad about the whole situation

It's strange.
I have had 2 mc too.
I hope this comes out the right way or doesn't sound too weird but I really feel as if with the mc it was body deciding that it couldn't go on.
With the terminations, it was my brain.
Does that make sense?

Of course you're worried about that. If it helps, the research doesn't reflect the accepted wisdom, it seems that the vast vast majority really don't regret it. They regret being in the situation, they are unhappy that the choice was necessary, they are sad and often angry that they had to go through it. But the massive majority asked say that no, they don't regret the termination.
I'm sorry if it seemed like I was telling you how to feel, not my intention. Just trying to reassure you that while of course everyone is individual and so are their feelings, the pattern for most women is very much not as awful as you might fear.

Baddz yes that does make sense. I'm sorry about your mc.

Urethrafranklin no need for apology whatsoever. You've been a great support to me. The honest truth is I don't feel I will regret not continuing the pregnancy but will I feel that the experience of travelling to UK& what waits in the clinic will take me a long time to come to terms with.
I am desperately sad things cannot be different. I have moments of thinking maybe it would be OK. I'll manage.. But it wouldn't be OK. It would be a struggle.

I'm booked in for a surgical procedure on Wednesday in Richmond, London. Liverpool don't have appts until Saturday 8th.
My appt is at 11. They told me I can't fly home until about 9pm. I thought I would be out of the clinic earlier.. They said I need to be there all day. I'm opting for GA which I know means I'm there longer but all day

dirty it's just a precaution I think. I went for a GA and I was out by about 3. Procedure at about 2. And I took the last flight out. A large margin like that is better than rushing and stressing. I liked having the time to collect my thoughts and relax at the airport.

Let them know your worries when you go in. They're there to support you. I texted ASN throughout the day and they were a great comfort to me.

I rang bpas a few times for reassurance before my procedure too and they were lovely.

OK, that's not ideal but focus on the fact that it is sooner. The 8th is a long way away. I also travelled further for a quicker appointment. It's not ideal but at least it was all sorted sooner rather than later.

Do you stay in the clinic all day? Do they have space for you to rest? Do you have a flight booked for 9ish?

That's good to hear Enormouse. I think I will just want to get put of there asap. How were you in the following days physically? Did you get antibiotics?

Thurlow the lady on the phone said I would be there all day. I presume there's a recovery area but didn't ask.
The flight home is at 930 or thereabouts. Yes it is better done sooner than later. I was so upset on the phone I had to call them back once I'd calmed myself down.

I know what helped me, and it might help you, is to try and find a little positive out of the day. So time to rest to yourself and maybe read a book or a magazine. I know it's absolutely nothing compared to what is happening, but it helped me to try and concentrate on having those few hours away from work and DC.

I was ok afterwards, paracetamol was enough for me in terms of pain relief but I avoided heavy lifting and letting toddlers jump on me to be on the safe side. They did give a short course of antibiotics and put in a pessary.

Another thing I wish I knew going in was that they can offer you the coil whilst under GA at a reduced price. About £15 I think. I wasn't thinking straight at the time and just wanted it over faster.

At Liverpool there was a recovery ward with about 4-6 beds where you sleep off the GA for about 20 minutes. And then you're taken to a comfy seating area with chairs and tea and biscuits. When you feel ready and they clear you, you can be discharged.

dirty when I was coming round from the GA, I was quite nauseous and threw up but even with that side effect I still recovered in good time and wasn't at the clinic for too long.

I was well looked after and only discharged when I felt ready but I still wasn't at the clinic all day. And I was only very briefly nauseous, it did wear off quickly.

I hope that offers some reassurance. I didn't want to scare you with potential side effects, just to let you know even with some issues you won't be there all day