I don't know where to turn

[dirtyfabulous]

I don't know what to write. I found out today I'm pregnant. I have 4 young children, recently started having panic attacks & am not long over pneumonia which I was hospitalized for. My mental state is so bad lately I was considering medication.
I'm a mess.

I did a digital test. 3+ weeks. Last period mid June. I'm living in Ireland. It makes it all harder.
I know I cannot endure pregnancy birth and newborn with 4 other children. I hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm do frightened. I looked at Marie Stopes website, medical abortion available in Belfast. I will call them tomorrow.

I'm so unbelievably terrified. Terrified of how this will change me afterwards.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from posting here, my DH is not speaking to me really. He's in shock I suppose. I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. It's only been hours since I did the rest but ive been concerned about my lack of AF but was putting it down to the fact my mental state has never been so bad.
Thanks for reading

Saltedcaramel your posts are so helpful.
Thank you for saying I sound caring & kind. That made me well up. I find it really helpful to read the stats from that study.

Where are you flying from? Belfast?

The bleeding will be manageable. You can change your pad before you get on the flight and change when you land. And the flight itself is only about 25 minutes, with the toilets on the plane. You'll always be near a bathroom if you need it. And boots/superdrug in the airport so don't worry about running out of pads. I had most of a full pack when I got home.

I do understand the anger. When everything was over I felt furious

I'm flying from Dublin.
The thought of the airport/ plane..
Yes you're right Enormouse, I will be near a bathroom at all times & it is a short flight. Thank you for your reassurance.

The flight will be fine, and I'd actually try and come home the same day if you can as the bleeding is usually worse the second day. You'd be better off at home as soon as possible to deal with it.
It's a short flight, try and think of it as a bus ride if you can. It's a major arse and its not fair and its not right that you have to do it, but now isn't the time to focus on that. I think a mindset of focus on the practicalities and just do the necessary might be more helpful? Whatever works for you though.
There are loads of people on here with similar experiences so ask anything you need to, people are happy to advise. You wouldn't believe how many women in Ireland have done the exact same thing, its more common than anyone talks about.

There is no way of knowing how you are going to feel afterwards, but you seem clear on your situation and that this is the best decision possible in the circumstances. Keep that in mind. You're just another woman doing your best, like we all are, a mother making the best choice available for her family. Focus on that and it should help you through.

It is a terribly hard decision, made all the worse because you have to travel to another country. I really feel for you.
I appreciate that the wait for appointments is frustrating, but at least it gives you more time to come to terms with your decision. I cried for two weeks after I found out, but began to feel better after that. You sound pretty sure of your decision already, even though you're understandably very upset about it, so you're doing better than I was at this stage.
Be kind to yourself. You have to do what's right for you and your family. That doesn't mean it's easy.

I am so fucking angry you have to go through this op. It's so cruel to make women have to travel to access medical care.
The flight will be fine...it's very short, and the bleeding will be manageable.
Make sure you take some pain relief with you in your bag.
Thinking of you x

I hope I don't sound flippant dirty but it was such a relief when I arrived at Liverpool airport to go home again. I had been under the cloud of this so long that I just enjoyed being at the airport. I hadn't eaten properly for weeks and I ordered a subway and enjoyed it. And I went round the shops and bought myself some magazines and chocolate and read without anything else taking up my thoughts. The bleeding was somewhere at the back of mind. I just felt free.

Enormouse, I did something similar. I had to travel to another town on coach to get an earlier appointment and so booked a cheap hotel room for the day. First appt 10am, second appt 4pm. I was working f/t with an under 2yo. I remember doing some decent shopping, chilling out in the hotel, eating a Burger King, having a short nap... It probably sounds terrible but I agree, there was a level of fuck it, this is a very bad experience so let's get something out of it at least. With the freedom of knowing that this was it, finally things were happening and this bad experience was coming to an end.

UrerhraFranklin you're right, it is more helpful to focus on the practicalities. The travel is necessary and that is that, its only a short flight.
Enormouse, in no way whatsoever do you sound flippant. You deserved to feel that freedom & to enjoy a meal. I feel myself that I will feel relief once it's all over with. I appreciate your honesty, it really helps so much to hear your experience.
Baddz& Seldom thank you for your replies also. They really help.

We have looked at flight times and I completely broke down. It's made it all seem real
I'm so unbelievably sad

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you heard of these people
www.womenonweb.org/en/page/3074/buy-abortion-pills-mifepristone-online-misoprostol-online

Sorry I'm rubbish at doing links. I've heard of them from other posters on MN. I understand they're set up for people like you who cannot access abortion in their country.

It might mean you could avoid the difficult and upsetting journey to Liverpool - in the past I've seen lots of Mumsnetters offer help with postal addresses for this service. I'd from NI though in Scotland now and could help if you want :)

Thank you Mayor.

Snapcackle thank you for the info. I'm not 100% certain of dates. Would feel better with scan to confirm & to be able to ask any questions on the day. I appreciate your kind offer though.

dirty you've done so well. Just give yourself a break, flights aren't going to rocket up in the space of a few days.

Your appointments booked, everything else can be worked around, or made more flexible to suit you.

There's a clinic in Dublin that does scans to confirm how far along you are. I can look up the link for you.

All my love. Xx

abortion support network links to other organisations

femplus offer free scans

I hope these links help.

[Hug]
We're here x

So you don't have to wade through the site femplus.ie/services/crisis-pregnancy/

Oh, dirty. I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. You only found out you were pregnant yesterday - you've had no time to take it in. You don't have to make your mind up one way or the other now. You have time to work out what is really the best decision for you. Neither decision is easy and it's likely that neither will feel 100% right. You just have to make the best choice you can. Be gentle with yourself. It's perfectly OK to be sad. I'm thinking of you.

I had a erpc for a missed miscarriage. The procedure is the same if you are having a surgical termination.

If you are having a medical termination, ie tablets you may bleed heavily.

When I had my procedure I had hardly any bleeding afterwards. Very light in fact. I would have been able to travel without any issues. I also found my hormones crashed immediately. Obviously you will be emotional and upset (understandably) but your pregnancy hormones should be dropping/minimal.

Hopefully you will have access to counselling in Ireland if you feel that it is right for you. I'm sorry you are in this position.

Enormouse you're so kind, thank you for the link. I will look at booking an appt there this wk if possible.
Seldom yes neither decision feels right to me. Thank you for taking the time to post such kindness at this awful time.
Uggmum thanks for sharing your experience. I am quite nervous about the pills& the volume of blood but in another way feels like the better option. My mind is a mess.
To everyone who has responded over the last two days Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Op just wanted to say I sincerely wish you all the best.

This is a really hard thing to go through but you can do it. The fact you're relatively clear about what's for the best will help you through - keep in mind the good reasons for your decision and take it step by step. Sorry you have to travel and pass these extra hurdles.

Good luck.

OP, there is nothing wrong with you making this choice. I had an abortion years ago and have never regretted it. Rarely think of it tbh. You need to take care of yourself, your own health and your existing children. We are here for you,holding your hand xxx

Please forgive me and skip this post if you don't want these types of opinions, but I would personally choose the surgical option over the medical if travelling. It's less, um, messy, overall (for want of a better word) with generally less bleeding/cramping. It also has a lower failure rate, something which people don't often think about but unfortunately does happen, and obviously is much more of an issue if you aren't going to be able to easily access follow up treatment if needed.

Sorry if this is too much info, but I think it helps to have as much info as possible, the unknown seems scarier?

Urerhrafranklin I really need to bear these honest opinions. I know myself that from a practical point of view the surgical option is better, especially seeing as I need to fly home. In my mind, the surgical option seems more difficult mentally. I feel I can cope better with the pills versus the surgical option.I don't actually know though,how I will cope with all of it at all.

Branleuse & Stinging, thank you for reminding me of what my reasons for doing this are. They're getting lost in all of the emotion, the deep sadness I feel about this situation.
My DH is very much saying because this has such an effect on me, ultimately I need to decide what I want,with his full support. He's at work Monday- Friday 7-7. It's me really doing the lions share. My eldest 3 were hard work but manageable. Since ds4 I've been knocked over the edge. Physically I've been anaemic,in hospital with pneumonia & generally worn out. Mentally I'm in a bad way anyway, without this pregnancy shock. Ds4 just started sleeping a few months ago. I know with all of these reasons, the choice is obvious but I'm so conflicted. Not because I want a baby,I don't. It's terminating the pregnancy that is so so difficult.

dirty I was advised on the surgical option at the clinic as the medical can be unpredictable with when you might start bleeding. I was also scared about having it under local but they gave me a GA with no problems. I was asleep for 15 minutes and then woke up and was fit to travel alone.

You sound exhausted dirty. Is there anyone who can help you whilst your DH is working? Family? Friends?

I wish I was nearer to you so I could give you a hug and take you out for coffee and cake.