The choice I never thought id be considering

[Softcookie]

I've posted in pregnancy but I'm not sure it's appropriate to keep posting there... This is now very much about what to do.

I'm 39, 2 beautiful kids of 9 and 7. Happy marriage, financially stable, all good. I've dithered for years on whether to have a 3rd (dh was always against it), and had finally decided I was done.

Of course that's when I got pregnant.

I think I'm about 6 weeks. I'm so shocked and scared, and I really cannot picture how a baby would fit into this family. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a newborn, I don't want to have a child who would grow up to be an only child to elder parents for most of his/her life, I don't want my daughters lives to change.

I'm almost irrationally scared of a disability, given I'm older and given we have been so blessed, twice. Tempting fate is what it feels like.

Dh is being sensitive around words but he'd rather we didn't have another one.

So I'm really thinking perhaps I should terminate. But that scares me too. While I've always been ardently pro choice, I've never thought I'd have to choose, iyswim. I'm also a catholic and while that won't stop me, my daughter is doing her first holy communion in 5 weeks - I don't think I could walk into that church with a clear conscience.

Mostly I worry I'll regret it forever.

But if I had a miscarriage today, I would weep with relief. So I think I don't want it.

I'm not asking what to do - I know that decision is mine only. But I would like reassurance that life goes on, that I won't be sad forever if I terminate, that it doesn't make me a monster or a bad mother.

Thank you last pickle. It is a horrible time.

Did you end up having any more children? I am so over fighting for this.

This is a horrible situation to be in. Knowing what you want but not wanting to actually make the decision .

I've never wanted children and stupidly ended up getting pregnant. Like you, I never thought I'd be in the situation of having to decide what to do. I was almost in shock and it felt surreal.

Well, going through with the pregnancy was not an option. So I went down the path of termination . During the first appointment , when they gave me the scan to see how far along I was, they found no heart beat. I had experienced a missed miscarriage. I was so relieved. What followed was quite traumatic, I got an infection and retained tissue. But I was still relieved that it went that way, although at no point was going through with the pregnancy an option .

Anyway, I was very surprised by how supportive the staff were . Counselling was offered numerous times throughout the process and the staff see people everyday experiencing this so are very supportive and non judgmental. The first person I saw was at my local sexual health clinic. She spoke to me about the decision, if I was sure etc. They also ask if it is definitely your decision and that nobody is pressuring you. You will feel a bit better after attending such an appointment.

Good luck, do what is right for you and try not to feel guilty.

Hellen I've sent you a pm.