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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

The choice I never thought id be considering

103 replies

Softcookie · 06/05/2015 09:23

I've posted in pregnancy but I'm not sure it's appropriate to keep posting there... This is now very much about what to do.

I'm 39, 2 beautiful kids of 9 and 7. Happy marriage, financially stable, all good. I've dithered for years on whether to have a 3rd (dh was always against it), and had finally decided I was done.

Of course that's when I got pregnant.

I think I'm about 6 weeks. I'm so shocked and scared, and I really cannot picture how a baby would fit into this family. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a newborn, I don't want to have a child who would grow up to be an only child to elder parents for most of his/her life, I don't want my daughters lives to change.

I'm almost irrationally scared of a disability, given I'm older and given we have been so blessed, twice. Tempting fate is what it feels like.

Dh is being sensitive around words but he'd rather we didn't have another one.

So I'm really thinking perhaps I should terminate. But that scares me too. While I've always been ardently pro choice, I've never thought I'd have to choose, iyswim. I'm also a catholic and while that won't stop me, my daughter is doing her first holy communion in 5 weeks - I don't think I could walk into that church with a clear conscience.

Mostly I worry I'll regret it forever.

But if I had a miscarriage today, I would weep with relief. So I think I don't want it.

I'm not asking what to do - I know that decision is mine only. But I would like reassurance that life goes on, that I won't be sad forever if I terminate, that it doesn't make me a monster or a bad mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Softcookie · 19/05/2015 11:23

Thank you so much lilyben. Your message means a lot to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Softcookie · 20/05/2015 13:37

I am just back from the hospital. I had been bleeding a bit since Monday night and so they did another scan.

The pregnancy was already lost and I am in fact starting to miscarry naturally.

I cannot describe how I feel right now. I feel I have been given a mercy I didn't deserve. I feel like god loves me. I cannot say I feel relieved because that's too awful - I am still in turmoil. I had the pill on front of me.

I still cannot believe it.

I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone on here... The last 2 1/2 weeks have been the darkest of my life. I have learned so much about myself and without your support, humanity, generosity I would have lost my mind. I came close to it a couple of times.

Thanks to all of you I have made the hardest choice and while it terrified the shit out of me i reread this thread 15 times a day... I found the strength.

I am going home now to start the process (been given pills to take over 3 days). I am not kidding myself that it will be easy.

OP posts:
gingerbreadmam · 20/05/2015 13:56

oh soft thats really tough. i know you intended to end the pregnancy anyway but mc is hard and i hope you are ok.

taking the pills will hopefully bring it all to an end soon. take care of yourself Thanks

myermay1 · 20/05/2015 13:57

Soft cookie, have been thinking of you today. I'm glad for you that it was taken out of your hands, I hope that way you don't beat yourself up or feel guilty which so many of us feel for a long time after the procedure even though we knows it the right choice.

I hope you are not too uncomfortable after takings the pills

queenofthepirates · 20/05/2015 14:00

You poor love, however it could have gone, be gentle on yourself, you've gone through some horrific choices. Take care xx

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/05/2015 14:09

I've been thinking of you.

This must be awfully hard, but hopefully long term it will give you peace. This pregnancy was obviously never meant to continue. So whilst you agonised over it and struggled to do what was right for your family, in fact you haven't ended anything that was ever really going to begin.

I am not religious, but my family are. My mother would say that none of us deserve mercy. Not one of us. But sometimes it is what we are given. And when it is we need to recognise it as a gift that allows something to be a bit easier. I hope that is true for you.

Flowers
BearFoxBear · 20/05/2015 14:10

Soft, I'm really glad that the decision was taken out of your hands. Hopefully now you won't let guilt weigh heavily on you. Take care of yourself over the next few days xx

thisisnow · 20/05/2015 14:15

Hope you are okay Soft and you can begin on the road to recovery after this Flowers

Stealthpolarbear · 20/05/2015 14:16
Flowers
Original poster
Softcookie · 20/05/2015 14:30

Thank you all. Bearfox, how are you?

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 20/05/2015 14:45

I'm ok at the moment. I had a bereavement yesterday an hour before my hospital appointment so I've had to put the procedure off for a week. I just couldn't handle both things at once.

Original poster
Softcookie · 20/05/2015 17:10

I'm sorry to hear that Bearfox. Please take care of yourself.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 20/05/2015 18:34

h bear fox you are really going through an awful time I'm so sorry

BearFoxBear · 20/05/2015 19:49

Soft and stealth, thank you, I appreciate it.

Original poster
Softcookie · 24/05/2015 16:07

I think it's all over for me - I'm pretty sure I completed my miscarriage this morning. It was not too painful but it took a long time and i was still quite shocked when it finally happened, it was quite unmistakable which I did not expect.

I feel very sad which is also unexpected, I'm guessing it's the hormones leaving my body. My mind is playing lots of tricks on me - there are moments when I don't know what happened, whether I terminated, whether I lost it, whether I would have finally terminated anyway. I saw a movie with a baby in it and cried buckets, while last week - when I was still pregnant - it left me cold. I'm struggling to make sense of my emotions.

I guess it doesn't really matter. The last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting and I will need some time to get back on my feet. I'm dreading going back to work on Tuesday. I was very ambiguous on my reasons for being off last week and I don't want to say what happened - on the other hand I know I'll struggle with being there and behaving as if it was just a touch of the flu or something.

Bearfox, how are you holding up? Thinking of you.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 24/05/2015 17:51

I'm not surprised you don't know which way is up and your emotions are all over. I'm sorry you've been through this experience.
Is there any way you could take next week off? Either sick or as leave?

Hellen77 · 25/05/2015 04:22

Sending you lots and lots and lots of hugs. It is a very sad time.

InfiniteJest · 25/05/2015 14:26

Still thinking of you. This has been a massive shock to your system, both physically and emotionally. I'm not surprised your emotions are all over the place - I'd say that's totally normal, given what you've been through. Just keep being kind to yourself. If anyone at work asks, you could just say it was a personal medical issue, and hopefully they won't pry further.

Bearfox, thinking of you too.

myermay1 · 25/05/2015 21:40

Your hormones are "shot to shit" excuse the expression! It's going to take a while to feel like you again. It's ok to feel sad, just give yourself time - reassess how you feel in a month, it's amazing how much your feelings will change on daily basis ATM x

Original poster
Softcookie · 28/05/2015 13:24

I just thought I'll come back for an update... A week after the day I should have had the termination, a few days after I completed my miscarriage... The narrative is still very muddled in my head, but I feel so so much better. Physically and emotionally. I have felt great sadness at not being pregnant anymore, but this is lifting, and while id be lying if I said I'm at peace - I can see peace at the end other road. I'm so glad this turmoil is behind me.

Thanks again everyone.

I hope when I look back at this I will be able to see it as something that caused me great grief but made me into a more compassionate, less judgemental human being.

OP posts:
Lolipoplady · 29/05/2015 16:19

Softcookie, I have not contributed to this thread so far, but I just read your last post and then read through the full thread, and I wanted to offer you Flowers

I'm glad that you are feeling better and that the turmoil is now behind you.

BearFoxBear · 31/05/2015 21:37

Soft, I'm so glad that you are feeling more peaceful about everything. I think that it will probably take time to feel back to normal, but at least you can see it on the horizon.

I have my second appointment tomorrow. Physically I'm feeling dreadful today after the first tablet, but I hope that I'll be feeling more positive in a few days too.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
Softcookie · 24/06/2015 20:06

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread... I've had the coil fitted this morning. I'm feeling inexplicably sad that this it, that I'm definitely never going to have any more children.

None of this makes sense - I'm so relieved I'm not pregnant anymore and if I reread this thread I have chills down my spine. Yet it feels like a door has definitely been closed and I'm really maudlin.

That's it. Can't really share this with anyone, I just wanted to write it down.

OP posts:
Hellen77 · 24/06/2015 22:01

Hi softcookie. I understand completely. It's very sad.
I am struggling each day with my desperate need for another baby and can't believe I terminated nearly 3 months ago now. I would be half way!

I know this sounds terrible but I am trying to convince my Husbanf to try again for another baby. It feels like the only way I can be whole again. He is not agreeing.

Sending you hugs.

TheLastPickleInTheJar · 24/06/2015 23:24

It's very different thinking you don't want any more children but knowing the option's there to definitely closing the door on it. I don't think we'll have any more children but for some reason i don't want dh to have a vasectomy. I envy my friends who are happy with their lot and know for sure that's it.

Hellen, i remember your thread and I've been where you are. I hope it's not causing tension between you and dh?

Thanks Thanks for you both