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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

The choice I never thought id be considering

103 replies

Softcookie · 06/05/2015 09:23

I've posted in pregnancy but I'm not sure it's appropriate to keep posting there... This is now very much about what to do.

I'm 39, 2 beautiful kids of 9 and 7. Happy marriage, financially stable, all good. I've dithered for years on whether to have a 3rd (dh was always against it), and had finally decided I was done.

Of course that's when I got pregnant.

I think I'm about 6 weeks. I'm so shocked and scared, and I really cannot picture how a baby would fit into this family. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a newborn, I don't want to have a child who would grow up to be an only child to elder parents for most of his/her life, I don't want my daughters lives to change.

I'm almost irrationally scared of a disability, given I'm older and given we have been so blessed, twice. Tempting fate is what it feels like.

Dh is being sensitive around words but he'd rather we didn't have another one.

So I'm really thinking perhaps I should terminate. But that scares me too. While I've always been ardently pro choice, I've never thought I'd have to choose, iyswim. I'm also a catholic and while that won't stop me, my daughter is doing her first holy communion in 5 weeks - I don't think I could walk into that church with a clear conscience.

Mostly I worry I'll regret it forever.

But if I had a miscarriage today, I would weep with relief. So I think I don't want it.

I'm not asking what to do - I know that decision is mine only. But I would like reassurance that life goes on, that I won't be sad forever if I terminate, that it doesn't make me a monster or a bad mother.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 11/05/2015 22:08

other people will react how they react. the only reactions that matter are yours and your dh's. I know you're not worried about judgement but you can't control their reactions at all, they're outside your influence.
however alarm bells are ringing if you're saying that hearing your reasons out loud is worrying. can you access any counselling before hand.
Flowers

Hellen77 · 12/05/2015 02:08

I would strongly recommend having conversation 1 BEFORE you have your termination. I wish I had have had counselling before I made my decision.

Original poster
Softcookie · 12/05/2015 07:46

The reason I don't want to speak to my shrink beforehand is because I want this decision to be mine and dh's alone. I'm very convinced it's the right approach. I feel strong mentally rn.

OP posts:
Hellen77 · 12/05/2015 08:54

I understand that. It sounds like you and your DH have thought about this very carefully.

Can I make one last suggestion? You write a letter to yourself which sets out all the logical reasons that you have decided to go through with this termination. This could be a useful document in the first few days after your procedure to read and re-read if the emotions run riot which they did for me as the pregnancy hormones left my body.

Best wishes!

InfiniteJest · 12/05/2015 09:41

If your shrink recoils or judges you, they're not a good shrink. And that's on them, not on you. Have you spoken your reasons out loud since making the decision? It might help to practise in a way, so you're used to speaking the words when you have to say them to somebody else.

As always, am thinking of you and hoping everything goes better/more smoothly than you're anticipating.

Original poster
Softcookie · 17/05/2015 21:17

Hello... So I ended up seeing my doctor (psychologist) on Friday. He was amazingly supportive and helpful, and really helped me clarify my reasons... He said to me... You are doing it out of love for what you already have... Your children... Your husband... Yourself. He reminded me how far I've come over the last 18 months in accepting and embracing my current life... And it is not immoral not to want to risk it. I finally said out loud my biggest fear... That I would lose myself in another pregnancy, another baby. 10 years ago, losing myself was bliss, and I loved it and embraced it. Now - it terrifies me. I have too much to lose.

It comes down to this - there might (will?) be regret whatever i do. But when it comes down to it... I would rather regret an abortion than a baby.

All this of course is very rational but emotionally it's still tough. Booked for first pill on Wednesday, and second lot on Friday. I'm really scared but looking forward to it being over.

I just hope it won't be too awful and I won't wake up thinking WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE.

OP posts:
gingerbreadmam · 17/05/2015 21:20

so glad you have reached a decision soft. hope everything goes ok later in the week.

think your psychologist sounds very in touch with you and thats a great way of looking at things. even if you do have regrets im sure they will be few and far between especially now you are sure of your decision. Thanks

Original poster
Softcookie · 17/05/2015 21:20

And of course the fact I have a psychologist at all was a stark reminder that my mental health had not always been great- this matters too when thinking about the mother I want to, have to be for the children I already have.

Sorry if I go on - I really feel the need to justify myself :(

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 18/05/2015 08:08

No need to apologise, of course you want to talk and think about it. Glad your psychologist was useful. I usually try to be quite neutral but it really sounds to me like you're making the best choice. As you say you will have regrets, I think that's normal when choosing an option closes off others. But you're doing the right thing for your family and yourself . I'll be thinking about you, hope it all goes smoothly x

Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 09:12

Thanks Stealth. I woke up this morning with an icy cold mass at the pit of my stomach thinking - am I really going to go through with it? I still can't believe we've taken this decision.

I know I have all the support in place and rationally I know we are doing what is best for our family but I hope it doesn't change me as a person - I hope it doesn't stop me from loving ever again.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 18/05/2015 11:02

You are still the same person. The person who does her best for her family Flowers

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 18/05/2015 11:08

I think Cookie you might need to make peace with the fact that (as you have said), right now, in the middle of it all, you will regret and struggle with either choice. It doesn't sound like one choice is going to totally settle as clear and right just now, because you have conflicted feelings. You are totally right to focus on which choice you will regret less. Because the choice you regret less will settle with the distance of time and the perspective of distance.

Of course it will not stop you loving again. You love the family you have and you are doing your best to protect it.

Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 11:41

You are right Penguin. I think I'm now just panicking because it's real, and I so wish it wasn't :(

Time to pull up my big girls pants and do what is best - least bad.

I told a friend IRL and now she's not speaking to me - it was clearly a mistake and it's taught me that I will have to be v careful with this in the future :(

OP posts:
myermay1 · 18/05/2015 12:25

Just caught up with your thread. I am shocked someone is not talking to you, how unbelievably ridiculous and judgemental. I hope for your sake she doesn't tell anyone else as it's not her business to gossips about. That's why I hardly told anyone.

Everything you have said makes perfect sense and I'm glad you feel happier about your decision. Please don't expect to feel immediately ok mentally straight after though, you may well do, but do give yourself time to heal. There is nothing wrong with protecting what you already have and to protect your mental health.

wishing you strength for wed and fri

Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 12:58

Thanks myermay. I read your experience while going through the board... Are you ok now? I do hope the pill will work for me :(

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 18/05/2015 13:24

Softcookie, your friend has no idea what it's like to be in your position right now and you cannot let her judgemental behaviour get into your head space when you know that you are doing the right thing for your family. What does she know?

I have my hospital appointment tomorrow. Feel free to pm me if you need to chat with someone going through the same thing.

TheLastPickleInTheJar · 18/05/2015 13:37

The reaction of your friend says far more about her than it does about you and your decision. We really can't judge anyone until we walk a mile in their shoes.

myermay1 · 18/05/2015 13:47

Soft cookie, I'm ok now I think, thank you. Yes pill didn't work properly for me and 7 wks ago had to go into hospital, initial termination in January, very traumatic experience - although made bareable by amazing nurses, consultant.

I've gone through so many emotions tbh. For first 4 wks after coming out of hospital in April I was tearful, bit down and desperate to get pg again. But I seemed to have turned a corner, I'm feeling stronger now and realised all those reasons, very similar to yours - why I went ahead with the termination. I don't want to have another 15 years of weaning, sleepless nights, soft play, school runs etc when I've done it with my older two and enjoyed them so much. For us, if money was no object then it would've probably been different, but I can't go back to not earning again, all the lovely things the kids do would have to stop and they constantly need new shoes, football boots, money for school etc. - it's endless. I did what I felt was right for our family. Still doesn't make me feel totally ok with it, I'll live with it forever - but ATM Im not punishing myself.

This board has helped a lot, so many ladies going through the same horrific decision.

I'm sure, you will be ok after your pills, you need to do a of test 3 weeks after procedure
Will be thinking of you and you Bearfox

Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 14:40

Thanks myermy. Fingers crossed.

I'm now really stressed about what to tell work. Dh says I shd just call in sick on the day, but I like to be I control and let ppl know I'm out do can arrange meetings around it. So thinking of mentioning a vague "minor medical procedure".

OP posts:
Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 14:41

Bearfox, hugs. I'm with you

OP posts:
myermay1 · 18/05/2015 14:49

So would that be 3 days off? I would go with a gastro bug for 3 days or a gyne op, but then you run the risk of loads of questions. If gyne, just say you'd rather they didn't mention to anyone as you don't want your "bits" being the talk of the office! I felt only sick and tired after first pill, second, bit of sickness and the cramps. Alternatively holiday? Shit I know using it, but at least no explsnations need

Original poster
Softcookie · 18/05/2015 14:57

No just one day - Friday. I'm assuming I can come back to work on Wednesday after first pill.

OP posts:
myermay1 · 18/05/2015 15:46

What time is appointment on wed? As I got there at 7am and didn't get out till 11, by the time they'd done blood, height etc? In that case I would just say sickness so not to attract lots of questions. Hope all goes ok for you, it truly is a crap and incredibly sad thing to go through, but I'm sure with the sUpport of your husband you will be fine x

Original poster
Softcookie · 19/05/2015 10:22

I have to go in at 1:30. Already done bloodwork and scan last week..:

Yes it is shit. But I had a bit of spotting last night and I realised I am so emotionally detached from this pregnancy - like I've lost it already. So I think I know that my angst now is fear about the procedure and fear about the guilt I will feel afterwards - rather than any real consideration that I might want to give this a chance.

It's crap and sad :(

OP posts:
Lilybensmum1 · 19/05/2015 10:43

Hi softcookie, I was in exactly the same situation as you 3 years ago and took the same decision too. I had the pill and it worked. I just looked after myself for the first couple of days, it was the only way I could get through.

It took me a while to accept my decision, i didn't want to do it dh did. I felt forced into it, I had counselling post termination and have accepted that my decision was the best for my family, and I do believe it was the best thing for us. I cannot imagine having another one now and I do believe it saved my family.

It was very emotional and as a mother I felt guilty. Now I know it was right.

I hope it all works out for you, it's really tough and being the women you deal with most of it. Take it easy on yourself I really wish you the best will be thinking of you.