The choice I never thought id be considering

[Softcookie]

I've posted in pregnancy but I'm not sure it's appropriate to keep posting there... This is now very much about what to do.

I'm 39, 2 beautiful kids of 9 and 7. Happy marriage, financially stable, all good. I've dithered for years on whether to have a 3rd (dh was always against it), and had finally decided I was done.

Of course that's when I got pregnant.

I think I'm about 6 weeks. I'm so shocked and scared, and I really cannot picture how a baby would fit into this family. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a newborn, I don't want to have a child who would grow up to be an only child to elder parents for most of his/her life, I don't want my daughters lives to change.

I'm almost irrationally scared of a disability, given I'm older and given we have been so blessed, twice. Tempting fate is what it feels like.

Dh is being sensitive around words but he'd rather we didn't have another one.

So I'm really thinking perhaps I should terminate. But that scares me too. While I've always been ardently pro choice, I've never thought I'd have to choose, iyswim. I'm also a catholic and while that won't stop me, my daughter is doing her first holy communion in 5 weeks - I don't think I could walk into that church with a clear conscience.

Mostly I worry I'll regret it forever.

But if I had a miscarriage today, I would weep with relief. So I think I don't want it.

I'm not asking what to do - I know that decision is mine only. But I would like reassurance that life goes on, that I won't be sad forever if I terminate, that it doesn't make me a monster or a bad mother.

Thank you, SoftCookie! I'm sorry if my post seems all doom and gloom. It's important that you do what feels right to you. Obviously, chances are you'd have a healthy DC3 and in 5yrs time, you'd be unable to imagine your life without them. But it doesn't always work out that way. My marriage is suffering because I blame DH and resent him because I was carried along with his enthusiasm. (Unfair, I know) You won't have that issue. If you feel that as a family you'll pull together and cope with whatever the pregnancy brings then great. If not then you've got to do what feels right for you and your family.
Oh and a tinge of regret and guilt and the odd moment of 'what if' doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision.

I sort of had this with number 4. Unplanned and an accident, I was really on the fence. Due to religious reasons, termination wasn't an option for me and I carried on. At 19 weeks I had a bleed. Only at that point did I realise that I wanted the baby. Thankfully he's here today and couldn't be without him. I know that's not very helpful to you, just my experience. Good luck with whatever u decide x

I was in your position. Difference was I really wanted it, and DH didn't. I felt really ill and drained the whole time, which didn't help. I had several lots of counselling but didn't realise myself until much much later was that I was looking for someone to give me permission to have the baby. I did such a good job of talking myself round that nobody did .

I did actually go on to have another baby 5 years later but had 2 MC in between which of course DH saw as punishment for what we'd done.

What I would do in your shoes (and wish I had) would be to put all the other considerations out of your mind. Forget the impact on your DDs, disability, church etc. Just think about what YOU want. Just one question; do I want another child? Yes or no.

There isn't a right answer or a wrong answer. Whatever the answer is, if you have made it for the right reasons - because that is what you honestly want - then you won't regret it. If you terminate because that is the right decision for you then you will move on. It doesn't make you a bad mother or a monster. Just be sure that whichever choice you make is right for you, then it will be OK.

It's an awful position to be in and so many of us have been there. I recognise what you say about being pro choice but not thinking you'd ever have to choose. That's how i felt. I was pro choice for other people but i gave myself a very hard time.

I terminated and I did regret it hugely. However, I recognise that i'm the kind of person who always looks back and wished I'd taken the other option. Whether it's something small like choosing what to have from the Chinese or something huge like whether to continue with a pregnancy or not. I always look back and think I would have been happier if i'd chosen the other option.

The truth of the matter is that we never know where the path not travelled would have taken us . All we know is here and now. And all we can do is make the best decision we can in the here and now with the knowledge and feelings we have right now.

Don't search for the 'right' choice because there may not be one. You need to work out the least bad choice. Whatever will be less damaging to you.

It's bloody awful. A truly fucking horrible situation to be in with no easy resolution.

There aren't multiple options though. You'll either
(a) terminate the pregnancy and deal with whatever the fallout of that may be, or
(b) continue with the pregnancy and deal with whatever the fallout of that may be.

But whichever decision you make, you will be okay. Maybe not immediately. It may take some time. And the experience - whichever way you go - may change you. But you will be okay. Because we have to be. We have to carry on in the only way we know how.

And as others have said, choosing not to continue with an unplanned pregnancy does not make you a bad person.

I'm sorry. We're all here for you

Pls stop and think very carefully about your decision. My whole story is posted on here in "help long story".

I severely regret my decision to terminate when pregnant with number 4. It has been a very difficult time for me. Although I aas different in that I did want the baby but made the decision after convincing myself what I thought were the bests interests of my DH and kids

I think if you feel any sense of uncertainty then you should definitely keep the baby. You cannot undo a decision to terminate.

In early pregnancy everything is scary and confusing - you feel like there is a massive cloud of uncertainty hanging on you - coupled with tiredness sickness etc.

For me when I terminated and that cloud lifted I couldn't believe what I had done. I was devastated. I am sure if I had have pushed through the first trimester everything would gave become easier.

Good luck with making your decision - Pls don't Rush and definitively think with your heart just not your head. Get some counselling.

Hi op. I had a termination 15 years ago and have never regretted it.

It was quick, painless and after I was so so happy and relieved. It was an end to a problem I didn't want to have! A great solution for me.

I remember at the time feeling as if I should sort of angst over it - like I should feel solemn about it. That was the strangest and hardest bit. I didn't

Good luck with your choice.

Hi all. I'm going to stop posting for a while now as I need to come up with my own decision and this is all helpful but I need to go inside, iyswim. Had a good talk with dh last night and I think we know what we need to do. Will come back as soon as I am sure of a course of action.

Thanks, really.

Thinking of you

I know you have gone away to make your own decision which sounds very sensible. I just wanted to share in case anyone else reads this in a similar position.

I was in the same position as you about 5 years ago. I'd only wanted two children when I first had children but did go back and forth thinking about a third whilst my children were young. Once my youngest was 5 and started school, I knew I would not want to have another baby, so DH booked a vasectomy when my DC were 6 and 9. Sod's law, a few weeks before his appointment, I ended up unexpectedly pregnant. I really wanted to bury my head in the sand and the easier option seemed to be to stay pregnant just because it meant I would not have to do anything in the short term. However, I did decide to have a termination and I have not regretted it.

Sorting out the termination was difficult. I hated having to deal with different medical personnel and appointments, and I thought like I ought to have felt guilt, shame etc... and I didn't truly feel those things . So, the point I am trying to make is, you need to separate out two different turmoils. One turmoil is if you really want another baby or not. The other turmoil is worrying how you will feel if you go through with a termination, based on how others say they feel or claim you should feel. That second kind of turmoil is not useful IMHO.

Glad you and dh are talking it through op. Best wishes

Hope you are OK op, it's so very hard.

I'm the same age as you and in exactly the same position, except we only have one dc who isn't even 1 yet. If we have this baby it will ruin us financially, destroy my career (I've literally just gone back to work) and I don't know how I'd cope because my dh works away 50% of the time and we have no support nearby. I feel sick knowing that we're having to make this choice while we still have dc1's scan pictures up on the fridge.

It's an awful position to be in and you have my sympathies.

I'm sorry BearFox. It's a position that no one ever expects to be in. Is your dh supportive?

Bear fox, a huge virtual hug to you. It is awful. I hope you find the peace to make a decision.

Bit of an update from me... With huge continuing thanks to all those who have taken the time to post on this thread.

I went to see my gynaecologist yesterday. As soon as i walked in I burst into tears, and I can honestly say she was brilliant. I can't even describe how warm, supportive and understanding she was, while at the same time remaining completely impartial and professional. She made me feel like I matter in all of this, and I can honestly say that it hadn't occurred to me yet, or at least I hadn't accepted that this was part of the equation. It was a huge relief to be able to say - I love my family desperately, and I don't want to put it at risk by going ahead with a pregnancy that feels like a cruel joke. She told me that she sees this all the time, that she estimates 40% of her patients have gone through a termination and that it is often older women who already have had a family and therefore know exactly how hard it will be.

She asked me to consider my moral position carefully as that is the most likely determinant of any guilt I will be feeling. She told me the actual procedure will be tough, both on my body and on my mind, so to be prepared for it, but that there is no reason I will not recover in body and soul.

So I called to make an appointment at the hospital for next Wednesday (earliest they can do) and hope they'll initiate the medical termination then. I'll be 6 1/2 weeks, by which time I think it will still be the possibility of a life rather than a life- iyswim. I think I can live with this. I hope they don't make me wait though as I will find it much harder if this goes on.

I am ok with all this as things stand, but I have moments of intense sadness, and wonder if I'll change my mind again. I'm also very worried about the medical termination and trying v hard to stay off the internet :(

Glad she helped op. And yes of course you matter. Sounds like she really helped clarify things for you.

I don't think it's helpful she told you the procedure would be tough. I've had it twice (one termination and once following a missed miscarriage) and it wasn't tough at all either time. Very quick, minimal pain. In fact, no pain, just a bit of cramping. Required no physical rest after other than that afternoon in front of the telly.

Best of luck with it all.

Thanks crumpet. Was it a medical termination or surgical? They only do medical here up to 9 weeks.

Ah, I'm so sorry op - I read medical and thought surgical. Mine were both surgical.

I have a friend who had a medical and she said it was fine. At just over six weeks I don't think it was that bad at all. I can understand your reluctance to Google but perhaps there might be someone on here who can give you a factual account - forewarned is forearmed?

You will be fine though - physically and mentally.

I'm so glad your gynaecologist was so supportive. I've been thinking of you, and really appreciate you coming back to update us all. Best of luck with everything next week

soft i accompanied a friend who had a medical termination and honestly i was quite surprised at how straightforward it all was and at no point did she seem to be in major pain.

she was advised after taking the medication to stay active so we walked round and round the hospital. we had to go early morning but were home in time for her to have a rest before collecting dd from school.

i think the good thing is your in hospital and will be looked after.

i had medical management following mmc but was given it to do at home. it was crampy but bareable. i was prescribed cocodamol or something like that and i did take it in the end as the pain became annoying more than anything. they did the trick though. it was nowhere near as bad or painful as i anticipated.

I have a friend who has had a medical termination in the first trimester and her description was very similar to my 9 week miscarriage. Lots of cramping, but nothing unmanageable.

I think the thing that can be hard is taking the tablet and then waiting for the start. As opposed to the process itself.

I hope all goes well for you OP.

Thank you OP and duckchowmein, I'm lucky to have a supportive dh and I know that whatever the decision we make, we will be OK.

I'm really glad that your gynaecologist was supportive op, that must have very calming. She is right, this is about you as much as the rest of your family. As the mum it can feel like you have to look after everyone else first (and I've only been in that position for a short time compared to you) but in times like these, you can't lose sight of your own needs.

Soft, I just wanted to offer support whatever you decide. . I saw your original post on the pregnancy board and it struck me as so difficult.

Make the decision for you and your family - no one else. And be kind to yourself either way. Your post shows that you are not taking this decision lightly. You are NOT a monster or a bad mother.

Sorry, I cross posted. I'm glad your doctor was supportive and you have a way forward. I hope all goes well.

Thanks. I feel very sad at having made this decision, even though I feel it's the right one. Except it doesn't feel right. Just sad. If that makes sense.

I keep picturing 3 convos in my head, one of which I'll never have:

My shrink, who I'll have to see for a checkup in 3 weeks after he discharged me in January for doing so well (I had a bad case of burnout/depression last year). It'll be hard I think to explain my reasons. I am scared hell recoil, or judge me... I'm scared hearing my reasons out loud will make me regret them.

A priest, as I'll have to confess prior to my daughters communion... I'm a huge hypocrite but not enough not to know that this is to be done... For my Daughters sake mostly. This scares me as I expect I'll be given the full wrath of the church :(

And my mum, who I'll never be able to tell as I think it would kill her - she is so staunchly anti abortion, a real catholic. She would never forgive me. I have always told my mum everything, am very close to her, and this makes me really sad.

I am aware this is not necessarily helpful but I'm trying to anticipate the aftermath...

I continue to have intense emotional moments - at night I let myself imagine what it would be like to have a baby. I'm sad we are not able, my dh and I, to find space for it in our lives. I'm sad that it's so unwanted. I'm sad it hasn't come at a better time, and now it never will.

Rationally though - I just want all of this to be over....

Ah Softcookie, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. I hope everything goes well and I'm so glad that your doctor was so lovely.
You need to do what's right for you and try not to think of what you mum or whoever would think if they knew.
You are still you - and I say the same as before - be kind to yourself. You need to think of yourself as well as your family.
Big hugs xxx

I've been thinking of you too softcookie.

I didn't tell my mum about my abortion either and i don't think i ever will. It feels wrong not to tell her and I'd hate to think of my own children going through something like this and not being able to tell me, but I just can't tell her. I don't know how she'd react of if she'd think less of me. It has been difficult though. There have been times that I've almost mentioned it in conversation. There's no need for your mum to know about every aspect of your life though.

I hope the other conversations go well. I should hope both the church and the Dr treat you with sympathy and understanding. You deserve no less.