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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

any advice?

106 replies

PlebsLeague · 08/02/2015 09:34

I am 6 wks pg and 47. Have one dd already who is 7, pg accidentally and DH is not keen to proceed. I am also not keen to have another baby as feel old and knackered, and am retraining for a second career. A baby now would put me back again and may stop me from getting a job. I have no idea what to do. Have an appt at BPAS on Tuesday to discuss it with them, but the more time passes and the more I feel nauseous, and swollen the more I wonder if I can go through with it.

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myermay1 · 04/03/2015 17:16

I think counselling would help, even if it just gives you a chance to sit and cry and talk about it all. It's so sad that age, money etc come into our choices, but I think someone on here said, "protect what your have" , but it's hard if you are used to your heart ruling your head, plus all those hormones going crazy.

A scan revealed retained tissue, as I kept getting a positive test result and blood levels very high. I'm hoping as I've taken more pills that it's will help but I'm not holding my breath.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 08/03/2015 10:35

I'm actually not feeling too good today. The enormity of what I have done has hit me and I feel terrible. I should have protected that little bundle of cells and instead I had it removed. I feel like I have done a really bad thing, and I wish I could turn the clock back and say that I wasn't going to go to the appt. I really miss the little blip inside of me, and now i just have a constant stream of bloody sanitary towels as a reminder that it's not there any more. I have no idea what to do to stop this awful emptiness and feeling of despair.

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thisisnow · 08/03/2015 10:46

Oh Plebs massive hugs. This is such a hard, dark time as you're hormones will be making such an impact now and there are so many emotions flying around your head. Be kind to yourself as you haven't done a horrible thing. I felt exactly the same and can identify with everything you say

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 08/03/2015 10:53

I have an overwhelming desire to jump on any man in the street and get pregnant again! I am hoping this will pass, or I'll get arrested. My problem is that DH didn't want a baby, so in reality I had to choose between keeping my family together or not. Not fair on my DD to lose a father but gain a sibling really.
I keep imagining what my dead nana would say, and picture her being disappointed with me for not standing up for myself.

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thisisnow · 08/03/2015 11:00

It will pass and get easier all you can do is give it time now. I was obsessed with pregnancy afterwards it was literally all I could think about. Definitely your body's way of reacting to what happened and you're hormones being all over the place. I went to church begging for forgiveness as I thought I'd done such an awful thing.
It will get easier I can promise you that time is a great healer x

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 08/03/2015 11:04

Thanks thisisnow. I tried to go into a church yesterday to light a candle but the door was locked. I took it as a sign that god had turned his back on me. I guess I will laugh at all this later!
I really appreciate your support by the way

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purplefeathers · 08/03/2015 12:16

I understand the way you're feeling too. Practically as soon as i took the tablet those feelings started.

It's really difficult and i feel for you.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 08/03/2015 12:51

How long 'til it goes away?

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thisisnow · 08/03/2015 15:25

It's different for everyone I think one person can be fine after a couple of weeks and another person will take a longer to emotionally recover.

For me it was a couple of months until the bad feelings started to lift but I had very bad depression afterwards. I hope it will be sooner for you

notasleep · 08/03/2015 19:02

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this op. Like other posters have said you are describing exactly how I felt after my termination, and the big drop in hormones is definitely a factor but I would urge you to see a counsellor asap, to help you to process these thoughts and feelings so you don't end up carrying them for a long time.

It's a very isolating thing as I found there was no one to talk to as after a mc for a example, it is still so taboo and people just expect you to be fine afterwards.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 13/03/2015 18:31

Still feel pretty rageous and bereft, and desperate to get pregnant! Not ideal outcome tbh. 2 weeks now - bleeding almost stopped. Keep reading how people get pregnant on mirena and getting hopeful. Ridiculous isn't it.

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Booboostoo · 13/03/2015 19:29

Are you talking to anyone in RL? I think you need some support to come to terms with all that has happened.

notasleep · 13/03/2015 20:42

Does your dp know how you are feeling now? Can you talk to him?

2 weeks is still very early days, you have to find a way to cope and get through, talk to someone in rl..be it a professional or a friend or relative,just someone you trust.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It is so painful.

thisisnow · 13/03/2015 22:00

Take one day at a time for now Plebs and be kind to yourself. Agree it is still early days but it does get easier eventually

ShoeShooChoux · 13/03/2015 22:14

I did get pregnant (planned) shortly after my termination. I felt incredibly blessed and undeserving but it didn't take away the sadness of the termination. For me, that will never go away.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I completely understand. My darkest days were the weeks that followed my abortion. It still makes me feel incredibly sad and although i have my dc now, i still grieve for the one that never was.

The problem with termination is that, even if it's the 'right' choice at the time, we never know how it will affect us until afterwards.

notasleep · 14/03/2015 07:54

I echo what ShoeShoo said... Even when I did get pregnant, years after the termination, the 'atonement baby' as a counsellor called it did not take away the pain of having the termination, as I had thought/hoped it would.

The pain does get less as time goes by. This part you are in right now is the hardest lowest point for many women, going by other posters' experience and my own.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 14/03/2015 08:31

It just feels so wrong not to be pregnant, I feel really empty. I know I won't seriously get pregnant again, but it is an amazingly strong urge.

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notasleep · 14/03/2015 10:22

Yes that desire to be pregnant again is very strong. It is so hard. That urge and the pain will gradually get less over time.. I'm sorry I know that is little comfort to you now.

SarfEasticatedMumma · 18/03/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 19/03/2015 07:35

I am feeling a lot more normal now thankfully, not so empty, so I think that my hormones are back to normal now. If I think about it it makes me sad, but I am managing to put it to the back of my mind now. Not sure when the bleeding will stop though, maybe it's the Mirena coil?

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thisisnow · 19/03/2015 22:16

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better Plebs, keep positive. Not sure about the mirena coil I'm afraid maybe ask the doctor about that one x

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 05/04/2015 22:30

Hmm... Went to a children theatre thing with lots of little children and pg mothers and felt awful, like I should still be pregnant too, and I'm not. I am also beginning to really resent DH as even though he gave me the illusion of choice, I didn't feel like I actually did. He was so anti another baby that I felt that going ahead with it would have driven us apart and harmed my DD (who adores her daddy). I thought I would be able to get it over it, and put it behind me, but I'm not finding it very easy at all. Some days I don't think about it at all but others I think of nothing else. I read a lot of posts about people getting pg on a Mirena, and hope that it will happen to me and that I wouldn't tell him I was pg until it was too late to do anything about it. I am a grown woman FFS and feel completely powerless in all of this. Sleeping on the sofa tonight because I am too cross to get to sleep. Please feel free to slap me!

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ShoeShooChoux · 05/04/2015 23:12

I don't want to slap you; I understand completely how you're feeling.

I felt the same about my dh. He was very anti another baby. When i tried to discuss going forward with the pg he presented all the negatives. He would have supported me whatever BUT he didn't want another child and that was the bottom line. I also resented dh because he was so less affected by the termination than i was-he didn't have all the emotions and hormones to deal with and i couldn't understand why he wasn't grieving as i was.

I think you go through all the stages of grief after a termination - it is a loss after all - and anger is certainly one.

Seeing pregnant women is difficult. I remember that too. I suppose you have to remind yourself of the way you felt when you were pregnant. Were you happy to see the positive line? Excited about the future? Or did it feel like a problem?

A friend of mine said to me that a termination would solve the immediate problem but it wouldn't take away the fact that i'd been pregnant in the first place. After the termination i had to try to make my peace with that. I was so focussed on the problem of being pregnant I didn't appreciate that the termination would bring a whole new set of issues for me.

Sorry i don't have any words of wisdom for you, but i do know how you're feeling.

notasleep · 06/04/2015 11:41

No slaps from me...Understand how you feel.

Also was not given a true choice - parental pressure -

Would urge youto talk to someone about your feelings relating to the termination so that you can deal with them and begin the process of healing emotionally.

I never spoke about it to anyone -eventually started counselling 8 years on. It has helped and wish I'd started sooner.

Also, I still find it hard to see pg women - and that's since having 2dc. And having another 2 babies did not help either. Another baby is never going to be 'that' baby and it also doesn't resolve the fact that the termination took place.

Does your dh know how you feel now?

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 06/04/2015 12:07

Thanks both. No he doesn't know how I feel, because I am too angry to talk to him. I feel that my decision was based on fear, fear that it would be hard work, fear that he would leave me and our DD would be heartbroken, fear that I wouldn't be able to cope. If he had said, 'come on, we can do it' I would have agreed in a heartbeat. Instead he hinted about the affect on his 'mental health' and how it would ruin his life. So in short, I feel like I hate him. Not sure how you get past that one! I also feel like I really betrayed that poor little baby-to-be, and am desperate to get him back. It doesn't help that my DD keeps asking if she can have a baby brother or sister either. I want to yell YES let's do it, but again DH would be there saying no.
How do you get past it? do I just keep going for DD's sake, and hope I do learn to forgive him, or end our marriage because he let me down.
on a positive note, thanks so much for being there for me, I can't talk about it to anyone else really.

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