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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

any advice?

106 replies

PlebsLeague · 08/02/2015 09:34

I am 6 wks pg and 47. Have one dd already who is 7, pg accidentally and DH is not keen to proceed. I am also not keen to have another baby as feel old and knackered, and am retraining for a second career. A baby now would put me back again and may stop me from getting a job. I have no idea what to do. Have an appt at BPAS on Tuesday to discuss it with them, but the more time passes and the more I feel nauseous, and swollen the more I wonder if I can go through with it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 12:33

It sounds like you are torn between logic (it would be better for you and your family not to have the baby) and feelings (guilt if you terminate the pregnancy). It's very difficult to advise because ultimately the decision has to come from you. It sounds as if your husband has persuaded you to terminate, but maybe with logic, but emotions are important too. Having said that I don't believe abortion is wrong and I don't believe a woman should have to feel guilty about terminating a pregnancy if she doesn't want to keep the baby. Note if she doesn't want to. As I said, only you can decide. It's your body and a decision you will have to live with.

NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 12:38

Oh and I was going to say: is your husband going to have a vasectomy? I think he should. He is so strongly against you keeping the baby and putting pressure on you to have an abortion. That's unfair and given he feels so strongly about it, he should have taken precautions not to get you pregnant. Can you imagine if you had an abortion because he wanted you to, and then you fell pregnant again? Sorry to play devil's advocate but I do think it's a conversation you need to have.

Original poster
PlebsLeague · 01/03/2015 12:42

I have thought of that Emma, but the thought of ever having sex again seems very unlikely! You are completely right, i am full of feelings and emotion, and he is not. He is being logical and rational and sensible. It's not sensible to have a baby for all the reasons above, but.... god how do I ever work this out!

OP posts:
thisisnow · 01/03/2015 12:46

I hope you are okay Plebs, I remember that wretched feeling all too well and I didn't know whether it was the right decision. I tortured myself afterwards for a long long time but now here I am smiling and I now know I have nothing to feel guilty about. All you can do is what you feel is best for you at the time.

In your heart of hearts do you want this baby or are you just thinking of keeping it out of guilt? Sad Flowers

Original poster
PlebsLeague · 01/03/2015 12:52

I guess my real problem is that I have had one baby and loved it, and am now hardwired to like carrying a baby. I feel it's my duty/job to protect it, and the thought of allowing someone to kill it is horrifying. I didn't want a baby, but tend to pretty optimistic and 'can do' about things. My DH like to plan things and feels completely out of control and panicked at the thought of going through it all again...

OP posts:
Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:02

Can you delay your appointment? I am pro choice and I have had a termination myself which was the right decision for me at the time, but it doesn't sound like it's the right choice for you. Can you take a few more days to think a bit longer about it?

Original poster
PlebsLeague · 01/03/2015 14:10

I think I am just an emotional wreck Booboo - i probably just need to get it done and go back to my life is was before. It's just soo hard to reconcile myself with it. I am very pro-life too, just really struggling with this.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 14:13

OP a couple of times you have said that terminating the pregnancy would be "killing the baby". This seems to me quite an extreme way of seeing it, I'm not sure if everyone would see it that way. But if that's how you feel, I can understand why you don't want to terminate.

As for the head/heart conflict, you probably have pregnancy hormones which are affecting how you feel about it. It's easy for your DH to be logical, rational and "sensible" when he's not carrying the baby. It's your baby and ultimately it has to be your choice, even though that choice will impact on your relationship and family.

NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 14:14

I meant to say it's your body (not baby)! It's his baby too obviously!

NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 14:17

"I am very pro-life too"
PP said she is pro-choice, is that what you meant? Or are you against abortion?

Original poster
PlebsLeague · 01/03/2015 14:22

I meant Pro-choice Emma, you're right. I am also a bundle of hormones which is why as you say I have these extreme views. If I can somehow convince myself that I won't be killing a baby I might be able to do it. I am too scared to look online to see how it would look, it was a lentil last I looked - in my imagination at 9 weeks it's already got a face!

it's all so exhausting!
I really appreciate all of your support though xx

OP posts:
Missdee2014 · 01/03/2015 14:27

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Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:29

Reported Missdee

Missdee2014 · 01/03/2015 14:29

Reported for?

thisisnow · 01/03/2015 14:30

MissDee not helpful at all.

Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:30

Being cruel and unnecessary.

Missdee2014 · 01/03/2015 14:31

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Missdee2014 · 01/03/2015 14:32

No being honest. Cruel to come into a site full of women TTC and openly ask advice on abortion.

Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:32

Try this OP (it may sound a bit silly but there's nothing to lose): decide to make the decision based on a coin toss, just let luck decide what happens. Toss the coin, look at the result and see how it makes you feel. Are you relieved? Then whatever the choice is it might be the right one for you.

NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 14:33

OP a quick Google tells me at 9 weeks it's 22mm long, less than 1 inch. That's pretty small!

NameChange30 · 01/03/2015 14:36

MissDee this is a board called "Pregnancy Choices", if you are bitter because you're having trouble conceiving, and don't want to hear about women struggling with unplanned pregnancies, keep away from this board. (Well the term I would prefer to use it stronger, but...)

Contraception can fail. People can make mistakes. It doesn't mean they deserve judgement and criticism from cruel people like you.

Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:37

You opinion is plain silly and you are cruel to express it here even if you do hold it. This site has women who are TTC and MC and seeking help to deal with still birth or the death of a child...it also has women who are terminating pregnancies and giving children up for adoption. One person's decision does not affect another person's fertility. In addition anyone can experience contraceptive failure no method is 100% reliable.

Stop detailing the OP's thread. She is in a really difficult position and does not need this.

Booboostoo · 01/03/2015 14:37

My post above referred to missdee. Apologies for not making this clearer.

Missdee2014 · 01/03/2015 14:38

Regardless, like everyone else I'm entitled to my opinion.

museumum · 01/03/2015 14:38

At 9 weeks it's the size of a blueberry.

Have you thought at all about the risks associated with your age? If you did keep it would you have screening? If bad news, what would you do then? There's no doubt 47 is quite old for a problem-free pregnancy.