Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

Oh I have to add to the mums list no 8: this is not about u, yes yes it has affected you but if I offend u it's not about u at this point of my life, give me a break!
And breathe!
And endo, definitely make urself v busy, it will be v hard so avoid as much as poss! Is it ur bros partner? If so, could u speak to him about before they arrive? I have also found pg people and their partners to be most likely to forget, sat next to dhs colleague and his pg mrs at a do, at one point he swapped chairs expecting me to spend the night chatting to his sober mrs so he could have a good ol time with my dh. I wasn't v subtle so he swapped back. :D
Also, remove her updates from ur fb for now, no need to torture yourself hon. Take care xxx

Misty I think I'm with u on the flaring up today, hormones?!

God, I shouldn't laugh but Misty I think I would have throttled my mum if she was like yours! And Endo, yes, I'm afraid all your mum's friends think you've got the clap. God almighty. The only thing my mum does is insist on telling me bad news when I see her each week. There is always someone in her wide and varied circle who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, had a breakdown, fallen off a cliff (I kid you not...)

Bogsy, it's just bloody hard. I was ok with one pregnant friend who has recently had her baby but that's more because of the kind of person she is. I am actively avoiding a whole load of other ones as I am essentially just too jealous. Endo, I left facebook as I couldn't stand the triviality of people's updates when I was going through the worst of it and I've never gone back. I didn't use it much anyway so I certainly don't miss it. It will be very hard but you could try to minimise the time you have to spend with them or maybe it will be easier after the first meeting.

Cant, you did very well not to slap that person. I think I would have. Anyway I shall revise the list to include all your suggestions and republish it at regular intervals!

I thought of another one that makes me seethe. When people say 'I'm not having any screening as the results wouldn't make any difference to me.' Now firstly, the people that say this are ALWAYS ok, they just are, I've never known one of them get a nasty shock. Secondly, there are ALWAYS ONLY TALKING ABOUT DOWN'S. They don't even seen to know that there's things like Edwards' and Patau's that are always fatal. Do they really think they'd let a pregnancy continue when they knew the baby had absolutely no chance. I think like hell they would if they actually thought about it so I get really annoyed by that.

cremegg, sorry the ttc is a chore. I hate that forced festive you speak of. I would never be able to ditch the sticks though as I seem to have a variable ovulation date and also we are too old and knackered to manage it 'every other day throughout the month' as recommended. I think that would actually be the death of our marriage.

mrsb and misty, not ignoring you. Will hope over to ff in a mo.

Love to everyone and yes, hope lily in particular is ok.

EggletinaClock : yes tat makes me seethe to, i know each to their own and stuff, but having been through it screening tests are so important, i have to admit i was really blasie about the screening test i remember walking in for 12 week scan and the woman ask if i wanted screening i said yes but just cause it was routine not once in a million years did i expect to get the results i got, being younger i has the mind set not going to happen only happens to elder woman mainly because this is wat the stigma is and the health professionals dont seem to be doing enough to change this stigma, i was totally crushed when we found out our baby had downs syndrome,
Now being through what i have i think i would scream at people to have the tests done,

i have another one for the list : well maybe for now you should be happy with what you have got, not what you haven that really gets me annoyed !

hi to everyone today x

Egglet - i'm glad its not just me wih the 'mum full of rotton news'! Lol. Each and every time we talk she has something depressing to report. I realise that as you get old your friends and relatives of the same age are going to be having health problems - but blimey, it does bring the mood down every time. If by chance theres no news about anyone else, it'll all be about her own blood tests, eye checks, urine samples and joint pain. (I'm aware i'm sounding like a right cow here but i think i'm getting it off my chest. I'm an only child so i dont have siblings to laugh about this with )

The thing is my OH's mum is the total opposite .... she has various quite severe health probs - she's about to go in for open heart surgery for the 2nd time in the last 18 months and its a devil of a job to get her to talk about herself at all! She rings all her kids (4) once a week to check on them - but last time she went in for major heart surgery she didnt tell any of her children untill the day before she went into hospital, and hadnt mentioned her heart probs at all! We were all gobsmaked and very worried. Shes very active and chirpy and goes out of her way not dwell on bad things at all though.

Anyway, bogsy yes, i can say i was the same about screening in the past. I have 3 children and I think i worried a bit before the first scan for each one, but once that went well I basicly saw all the scans further along as an opportunity for a pic of baby to show everyone! Obviously i wouldnt want to remove that blissful ignorance from anyone - i dont want everyone who's pregnant to spend 9 month stricken with worry just becasue of what i/we have had to go through - but yes, as egglet says, i dont want to hear "why have screening? - the outcome wouldnt make any difference to me". That is nonsense. Your world comes crashing down when you find your baby has a problem.

endo and lilly how are you today? mrsB, cremegg, flower, bluecat, stunned and blacktreacle how's you lovies? Its really wet and chilly here today and its packing day for Dorset for 4 days from tomorrow. I've seen the weather forcast and they say it will brighten up for the bank hills - but still dont know what to pack! Bikinis and fur knickers for all i think we're caravaning in Swanage and it could be hot - beach towels and sun cream - or it could be cold - wellies and fleeces. Theres nothing worse than having all the wrong stuff with you - so we'll have to take it all! (plus 3 hairdryers becasue neither me nor the 2 daughters who are coming with will share! Wont tell OH) I can see the poor car struggling along the motorway now, ha ha. Laden with hairdryers ......

Ok talking rubbish now - time to go - but i thought i'd post a good ramble as i wont be around for a few days

Love to you all girls. I hope your bank holls are all good ones xxxxx

i have got my 20w scan next thursday, which means i am coming up to my due date, everyone who was preg at same time are giving birth as we speak

Hello everyone, (including the newbies- I'm glad that you have found this thread and the excellent support it gives).

I'm sorry I've been a bit AWOL but I have been thinking of you. I had my 20 week scan last Tues (early- I was actually 18weeks- everything fine so far) and I'm finding this stage of pregnancy harder than I thought. I think that I've been very good at keeping my head in the sand for 17 weeks but these anomaly scans I have coming up (another at 20, 24 and 28 weeks) have brought up a lot of feelings from last Dec/ Jan when we discovered at 26 weeks that Ava had Edwards Syndrome (from issues highlighted in a number of anomaly scans). If it makes any sense at all, I've had to disassociate with it a little, as well as this thread, in order to get through. The memories are all too vivid.

Enough about me, I just wanted to wish Egglet lots of love today and I agree with ghislaine that my due date passing was a real weight lifting as I too stopped counting how many weeks I should be and faced the sad reality that I do not have my baby with me. Also hope gillianread is doing ok with the new arrivals that she knows are coming soon. Again, in reality, that wasn't so bad for me once I saw the babies and realised they really weren't mine.... I know that sounds stupid but it's hard to feel envious over other people's babies when it's your specific one that you ache for. I may be talking waffle but I hope that it helps someone...

I have had a quick read of this page in particular- loving the rants to friends/ mothers..... I would like to add...

• "Everything happens for a reason" .... Really?! One kind soul even explained how something similar had happened to them and they split up from their partner as a result... But now they are remarried and have more children. Comforting?!
• "At least you've got X" (insert sibling's name) Yes, but that's hardly the point is it?
• "Nevermind, you can always have another- you're still young" - maybe, who knows and anyway it's that one I wanted.... 'it' was not a hamster that can be replaced from a shop.... And I'm not 6.

To my mother....

• I do NOT have a cold, I had to end my pregnancy at 26 weeks yesterday... Hence the bunged up nose and little watery eyes.

And finally, when I am pregnant again....

• This baby I'm carrying is baby number 3- baby number 2 died but she was still baby number 2.
• I'm not excited, I'm terrified
• The fact that I am pregnant does not take any of the upset away- in fact it is a constant reminder.

Lots of love to everyone- I feel MUCH better after the rant! Good idea Egglet! x

Just a quickie to say thinking of you today Egglet. I hope you're ok. Sending you tons of hugs. xxxxxx

Thanks for all your good wishes folks. I got through yesterday but I'd be lying if I said it was easy, it was a very sad day and I'm glad it's over. I tried to keep busy but I did keep crying, far more than I would normally (which usually just a little cry!) and by 9pm I'd given up, taken a valium and gone to bed.

I don't know whether this is true for everyone but I think the later in pregnancy you have to terminate, the more significant your due date has become which might make it harder. I used to think 'God, I can't believe I'll have a new baby by the end of August' but now I just can't believe what has happened to me and how I am now a different person, a very sad and heartbroken one.

I also think it would be much easier to bear if I had managed to get pregnant again, but as has been wisely said to me by people here, if you have to terminate late you have fewer opportunities to get pregnant before your due date. Anyway. As usual, life goes on and today is another day.

Myangelava, good suggestions which I'll add (I am actually going to keep a record of these helpful hints!) and can I also throttle your mother too?! Very glad everything is going well of course (and I'm going to email you shortly)

Endo and Lily in particular, hope you're both ok.

Misty, hope you have a good holiday, weather's been variable here so I hope it's been better for you and there were enough hairdryers to go round. The lot of you squashed in a caravan sounds like a potential sitcom.

Love to everyone else.
x

hey egglet good to hear from you, and i'm glad that you managed to get through yesterday. i think tears and emotions are only natural - god, from the moment you get pregnant you are given your 'due date' (despite the fact that most babies are NOT born on their due dates) and this is the the date that you base your whole pregnancy on - the date you work towards, so of course it is going to be difficult.
i think there is an element of truth too in what you said about the later you terminate too...at 17 weeks i was 'almost' halfway, and the beginning of september didn't seem that far away at all....
it is true that being pregnant again will inevitably make the due date a little easier, but at the same time brings a whole host of new emotions. my due date as you know is the 7th september, that is also the same day as the 30yr anniversary of my father passing away - so that day is being spent with my mum, brother and family to 'mark' that occasion too. on top of that, it will also be the day that i get told the risk factor from my nuchal test (which is on the 5th) - so with that combination i'm half inclined to just stay in bed all day and let it all go on around me. but of course i will not. in the morning, i'm going to the graveyard to visit Eve's grave, then will be travelling south to meet my family and visit the crematorium where my dad was laid to rest.....then hope beyond ALL hope that my combined results (when they telephone) are low enough to give me a little peace of mind.
Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a me post.

hello to everyone else, especially to endo and lily - hope you are both doing ok? misty hope you're enjoying Dorset - look forward to heaing from you when you get back.

AFM - i'll be offline for a couple of days as we are going camping (!!!) to the peak district, so won't be back until late wednesday. will catch up with you all properly then xxxx

Good Lord, mrsb. If you weren't pregnant I'd recommend you stay in bed that day with a bottle of Valium! Have a good camping trip. x

Also now I'm paranoid it sounded as if I think getting pregnant again makes it all ok. Of course I know it doesn't, after everything we've all been though, it sounds hugely scary to be pregnant again. I suppose it's just the first step on the road we were all knocked off and if you are pregnant you have achieved that much at least. I have a lot of fear and sadness about not getting pregnant again and that is really preying on my mind at the moment. I'll shut up now - I'm up way too late anyway! X

Egglet, I'm up too late too, but just wanted to say you did NOT come across in any way as saying being pregnant makes everything ok - please don't think you did xxxx you're right though, it does (and I'm sure will) help on the day. Partly as I now have something else to worry about lol but also because like you said, I'm slowly climbing back onto the path that I was on earlier this year. It's a very bittersweet feeling. And you'll be back on that path too before very long xxxxx

hello all, happy monday! I wrote a post on fri and mn lost it so i sulked and shut it down. But i wanted to specifically say thinking of you eggie I'm sorry it was a rough one, tho the valium idea did make me smile.
CD 19 here, and I think DH is secretly pleased to be away with work for 2 days after last week. It's funny how TTC is so fun at first, but then gets old quickly and I have decided that the 2 week wait is not fun but the 'fertile' week is far too stressful! lol!
Good to hear from you myangel hope you're doing ok. I can understand needing to distance yourself, are the hospital being helpful?
misty hope the trip was a good one, and there was room for DH in the car with all the girls' items?? hehe
mrsB enjoy camping, hope it doesn't rain too much! Sounds your due date is going to be a toughie, and I hope you get support from your family and it goes without saying that I hope the results are good news.
I survived a 1st bday party yesterday, was a bit nervous as I knew it was going to be a bump and baby fest- tis the nature of the beast really!- but babies were all good, specially as some were older, how fun are they at that age?! There was a 20 wk bump, which I think freaks me out most as thats as far as I got, but avoided as didn't know the owner and enjoyed some sparkling vino ;) So quite happy with self for that.
Hope it's as a good as a monday can be over there :)
xx

Worryingly I'm down to my last couple of Valium. I'll have to persuade the GP to give me some more as they are absolutely brilliant (if used very occasionally and responsibly blah blah blah).

I notice I have got very sick of ttc after just a couple of months cremegg. I am trying to pretend it's not stressful but it really is.

Well done for getting through the party. I can imagine the bump and baby fest that was. I dodged one a couple of weeks ago as there would have been a load of pregnant women there, several of whom I vaguely know and I would have been the tragic one that people would have been pitying and I just couldn't face it. I've become extremely anti-social.

I'm still feeling very down but it's to be expected I suppose. I'm seeing my counsellor this week after not seeing her for a month so I'm hoping that helps.

Love to everyone.
x

hugs to you eggy, its an a*se how its still an up and down process isn't it? I personally am finding the cringes that people get themselves into around us almost comical (in a 'if i don't laugh at your misfortune for getting tongue tied i'd cry' kinda way!). A guy started talking about taking a day off a week next year to look after his baby, he was only talking to me and another colleague and so you could practically see his panic as he backed away from the conversation rather blatantly. It's weird to be 'that' person that people pity/cringe over etc.
hope the counselling goes well, i like that i can call mine when i need to for a chat, always better out than in i think! i keep meaning to go to a group session (went once and thought it was v helpful) but haven't been back, think because its only once a month and sometimes i just can't face having an evening talking about it all again.
post over the valium if you get some more ;)
should stop rambling and get to yoga, i bought a 'go to as many classes as you like' pass and now feel constantly guilty for not going more to get my moneys worth!! lol!
xx

Hello all xx

cremegg! CD22 now?? How are you??

Well - I have officially caught up with my washing pile today! I can see the whole of the landing again! lol. Was away caravaning with OH and daughters no.2 and 3 for four days in Dorset untill Tues eve and i think its taken 10 wash loads to get through all the clothes and bedding!

I'm in OPK week and am OPKing - but with alot less desperation this month. Think i had a pos today, but we'll see. Those OPKs can play tricks i find. I think i've settled down a bit now mentaly re.ttc (only taken me 4 months!!) and i have finally started to see my life as something much more than just an blind, frantic never ending attempt to get pregnant again. Thank God! lol

Hope everyone is ok? Specially endo and lilly?

to everyone and to everyone xxx

Hi all. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

mrsbigz Good luck with your nuchal scan tomorrow. I'll have everything crossed for you. I also hope Weds goes ok. I hope you survive intact as it sounds like it will be an emotional day and that the results are positive and make it all a little bit more bearable.

How are you doing egglet? I'm so sorry that you were so sad on your due date but I'm very jealous of your valium supply! My doctor won't give me any more which is gutting! I'm always partial to a little bit of tablet help if possible!!! I hope this weekend has been better for you.

I'm glad you survived the camping trip misty. At the risk of sounding really thick, what is OPK week??? Am guessing ovulation something???

I went to see a Chinese Medicine Pracitioner (DH is half Chinese) last Tues. It was actually quite interesting given I'm quite skeptical about these things! However, she recommended waiting for 6 months until we try again to make sure my body and mind are recovered. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of my thinks that would be sensible but the the other part just wants to get on with it right away! Any thoughts?

My 20 weeks pregnant SIL has arrived from Sydney and I hate to say it but I'm hiding away at home and not doing any family things as I can't face her bump! I had convinced myself it would all be ok but an hour before we were due to meet up yesterday, I had a major meltdown and now can't see her at all. I'm sure the thought of it is worse than it would actually be but I'm not brave enough to try

This has turned into an essay!

Hope everyone is ok and a special hello to lily.

Ah Endo, it's so hard isn't it? I think that the idea of seeing your sil probably is worse than the reality and once you've done it once it will be slightly easier the next time, but it is all very recent for you so go with your instincts. People will understand, and if they don't that's their problem.

About the advice to wait 6 months - can I politely say that's nonsense? I've reviewed the evidence and in a nutshell there is no clinical reason whatsoever why you can't start trying again immediately. Medics used to say wait three months as the thinking was it took that long to be emotionally ready to try again and there is some suggestion that yes, you do benefit from building up some vitamins and getting your blood counts back up if you've been anaemic. Now they realise that of course it takes far longer to 'get over' a loss and for some women trying to conceive again really helps. From my experiences of talking to women on here I think the best thing is to do is what feel right for you whether that be starting straight away or waiting a bit, people here do both, some also try for a bit then give it a rest when it gets too stressful.

I'm feeling better thanks. I'm still very sad and was unable to go to a Christening today that I know would be full of babies and pregnant women but so what. I'm not putting myself through things if I don't have to.

(Opks are ovulation predictor kits. Pee on a stick and it tells you whether you're about to lay an egg!)

About the Valium - I have to really push to get it out of some of the GPs at my practice and some won't prescribe it at all. My actual GP lets me have it as she knows I know what I'm doing with it (have worked in mental health for years) and I only ask for it every now and again. I was given 7 just after my termination in April and I've just used the last one so I haven't taken that many all things considered (wine is a good alternative...)

Cremegg, that reminds me I really must find a yoga class. Hope you're ok pet. Fingers crossed for you...

Misty, lovely to have you back again as always (stop going away!) As you know we are twins with half-hearted opking!

Love to everyone else and good luck again to MrsB for tomorrow.
xxx

thanks ladies - am so nervous my morning nausea has turned to full on sickness this morning....well, am putting it down to nerves. appointment not til 5:50pm so have the whole day to get through
will update you later on xx

Taking a break from all my boring chores i've been putting off to say " for you MrsB, you'll be fine hun " I bet today is going slowly for you tho'. You poor thing. As i write this its nearly 12 0'clock so at least you're in the aftrnoon now .... not long and it will be over and you can relax. We're all here virtualy with you.

My take on the waiting to ttc, endo, is based on something my consultant said to me - and this is a woman with vast experience who works partly at the london fetal medicine centre and partly in her own clinic. She said the main reason why doctors advise you to wait 'at least a month' before ttc after a termination or mc is so that the GP can write a 'last menstrual date' in a box on the booking in form when you go to anounce your pregnancy to them. She said "doc's hate a blank box, so they like you to wait so you know your last period and they can write it in on the form" OMG! lol. As egglet says mentally it takes a long while to get over a termination, and physicly getting over it is something that is down the the individual to feel i think. If you have no complications or vitamin deficiencies then go ahead if you're ready i say. I think even if my consultant had said 'wait' i wouldnt have been able to. I needed to get on with it.

More for egglet as she is my OPK buddy this week. (and maybe next week too at this rate for us both ay hun? )

endo - interesting about the chinese med. And about your SIL - dont feel guilty. Its so understandable - but i too would say bite the bullet and see her if you can. Sometimes turning your back on things makes them grow to the 'size of a cow', (to quote a phrase, not to be rude about your SIL) and you may find going to see her really isnt as bad as avoiding her. Maybe have a 'get out clause' for the visit - an excuse ready to leave early if you do find its too much? Good luck hun. xx

cremegg ? How are you please?

to all xxx Be in touch MrsB! xx

quick update from me as i'm very aware it's a support thread and not a ttc/pg thread. BUT....the scan itself was wonderful - little baby was sleeping initially, but then woke up and i saw him/her stretching!! Nuchal measurement was 1.4mm .....yes - 1.4mm!!!!!!! That made my day!!!!

There was a nasal bone present which he said halves my risk factor right away. Brain, heart, limbs all looked good / normal. Heart beat was in the normal range. He also saw no soft markers that would be indicative of T13 or T18. He said that given my history, my risk factor (when back) will have 0.75% added to it. That is fine. He also said that given the wonderful scan, he wouldn't suggest i needed invasive testing, but if the bloods came back very wonky, then an amnio rather than a cvs. The bloods will be back Weds, but i might not get the phone call until Thurs am. I am over the moon though - it was a far better scan than i could have ever imagined.

Thank you all so much for keeping me in your thoughts xxx

Fab, fab, fab news MrsB!

Now - relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just a quicky to say the above, and to say how happy i am for you hun. It must have been a bloody awful ordeal going in there again.

I've had a pos OPK so i'm happy to be laying an egg this month - back in the 2ww now.

Hows everyone? We're in the middle of a very wild windy and wet morning here, and i've got to go out in it in a mo, so better run.

Love and hugs xxx

hey all!
v pleased for you mrsb I don't want to imagine ever having a scan again, so well done to you hon xxx

how's your 'busy' weeks going eggy and misty? Think I'm on CD 27, assuming flo will be here fri ish (seem to be on 30 day ish cycles) Ignoring symptoms that will no doubt anount to nothing anyway. Can't believe it's been 6 months now, pile of rubbish (sorry to moan but i am not a fan of the human reproductive system at the mo, an egg that hangs around for a day per month is just stressful and depressing!)

endo you need to do what's best for you and your DP re ttc. I think that our bodies have more say over when 'it's right' anyway, just do what's right for you.

It's raining and chilly here too now so have cracked up the fire! (Random as it hit 26/27 over wknd and was gorge!!)

Just a really really quick one to say mrsbigz I am so so pleased for you. The thought of getting back on one of those couches for another scan terrifies me so I think you're so brave and it's just fantastic that it was good news.

Hi to everyone else. Thanks for your thoughts on starting ttc again and hope you're all ok. Will post more later. Xxxxx