Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.
And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

[NatzCNLS]

Zen, just wanted to come on here to see how you are doing? Such an awful time for you and your family right now. I hope you are ok xx

[zen1980]

Hi Natz, yeah I'm just taking each day really. We went away last week for a few days which was lovely to absorb ourselves into each other. Dh is back at work today an out little girl is at nursery so feel a bit pointless sat here on my own. Have things to keep me busy an a few things to get on with but wonder really why I am putting off being at work another 5 weeks ? We have a consultant appointment on the 30th to go through everything and future pregnancies. That's the thing I feel like I need / have to re focus on us getting our 2nd child else what is all the pain for. I just don't want it to take away from our gorgeous boy Jack. An I crazy to want to try again?

[NatzCNLS]

Not crazy at all. With the loss of a baby there is a gaping void that we all want to fill - usually with another baby. I conceived our daughter whilst still in my 'pregnant period' I should have had with our Cara. And there were huge pangs of guilt that it may be percieved that we were trying to replace the baby that we lost. That wasn't the case at all. Cara was always on my mind throughout my pregnancy and more so during the early days with the new baby, I even accidentally called our youngest daughter Cara on a number of occassions.
I had such a need to be pregnant after we said goodbye to Cara, it's something that is natural.
Taking it one day at a time is the best way forward, it's just the days seem so long dont they? I hope the 30th will offer you some reassurance. Just dont push yourself it doesn't all happen quickly. It took us a few months after Cara to conceive as I was so stressed out and worrying that if we didn't do it straight away, I would be too frightened to do it once the armour fell away. Probably some truth in that, but I think I put far too much pressure on myself to get pregnant as soon as possible.
I was not as far into my pregnancy as you was, and therefore our GP told us to try as soon as we were ready. Physically I was fine, but in hindsight, I needed a bit more time emotionally. However, I now have a stunning 19 month old treasure that reminds me every day that through the darkness there is always a light shining. I also have two older amazing daughters who are 6 and 5. As awful as it was losing Cara and dealing with the anger/grief/emptiness during that time, I know how blessed and lucky I am. Having my older two (who did not know about Cara) when it all happened, really helped me stay strong and focused. My DH was also my rock.
I hope the dark days will move away soon for you. They never truely go, but they get much easier to manage as time goes on. Cara is never far from my thoughts. It's been 2 years, 8 months and 4 days. It seems like only a couple of months ago some days, and others it seems like a different lifetime ago. Just want to wish you lots of strength. It will begin to get easier and one day you will realise that you dont need to put on a brave face anymore, because you will find that you are ok xx

[zen1980]

Thank you for sharing with me. I seem to really struggle coming to a weds and it is 3 weeks tomorrow since I gave birth to our gorgeous boy. Physically my body hasn't healed yet as I'm still bleeding an suffering with my hips and back. I constantly have a headache with the constant thoughts running round my head! I feel guilty for having moments when I don't think of him, guilty to be thinking of wanting / needing another child well just guilty about everything. I don't know anymore it would be so easy to carry on an pretend I've forgot about everything but I know I can't. The emotions are still raw from losing my mum an this feels like I now am replacing one grief with another.
Please can I ask how long you waited until after Cara 'gorgeous name by the way' to get pregnant ?

[ghislaine]

Hello zen. I wanted to add to Natz's wise words and say that everything you are feeling is totally normal. The feelings do become less intense in time, although, like Natz, I went through a period after my next baby's birth where they became stronger and I really struggled with the decision I'd made. Now I feel a kind of dulled sadness and I don't think about my first baby every day like I used to.

In terms of getting pregnant again, I think we've all felt an incredibly strong desire to get back on the path we were on before we got the awful news that something wasn't right. We started trying almost immediately and although I was desperate to be pregnant on my due date, it wasn't to be. In retrospect a bit of space and distance wasn't a bad thing. It took us nine months of concerted trying to conceive again.

[NatzCNLS]

Im so sorry about the loss of your mum too. I cant even begin to imagine that kind of grief on top of the grief for your Jack. I can only speak from my personal experience as that's all I have to go on. I had a rollercoaster of emotions after Cara. I was totally numb for about 2 weeks - no emotion whatsoever to begin with. No guilt, no sadness, nothing at all. Equallt no happiness, no joy, no feelings to speak of. One night it all just hit me like a tidal wave, and with that came the urge to be pregnant again. As soon as I stopped bleeding we began trying. It took us about 3 or 4 months to conceive (all previous pregnancies were immediate on first attempt) so although 4 months doesn't sound that long I was pulling my hair out.
I thought once I was pregnant I would feel that joy again, but that didn't come until the moment Sienna was in my arms. It's very hard to let yourself enjoy your pregnancy after going through that loss. Even with great odds at the nuchal test and all the scans I had throughout the pregnancy (I was scanned every 4 weeks from 16 weeks to 36 weeks at my GP's request, as Cara had a heart defect too).

I dont think anyone can say when you should start trying, only you will know when you are ready. But I completely understand that urge. The guilt too, that's something that I found a real battle and that resurfaced many times before I came to accept it for what it was. As mothers, we protect our babies. To have to make the awful decision to end a pregnancy of a much loved and wanted child is completely against our natural instict. But I learnt to accept that the decision I made was out of love for my baby, it was not selfish, it was not the wrong decision, it was not the choice I would have taken for any other reason has my baby not had the problems she had. I have 4 daughters. 3 with me and one with wings.

I can talk about her without crying. I refer to my pregnancy and remember the time she waved at us - and I can smile. I loved her. As you loved Jack and will always love him. I needed time to grieve, and I continued to grieve after Sienna's birth, and still grieve for Cara when I need to. But I no longer have the guilt I had to start with.

There was something on Facebook not too long ago that said, 'when you lose someone you love, you dont get over it, you just learn to live without them'. And that I have found very true. I will never get over the pain of losing Cara, but I have learnt to continue living my life with that loss.

Sorry for the big deep post. I hope something I say helps. Ghislaine was a huge support to me back then (hello Ghislaine) and there are so many ladies on this thread that can relate to what you are going through. I hope today wasn't too bad xxx

[Aoifebelle]

Hello I am new to this world and I am terrified. Had 12 week scan today at the foetal medicine centre, risk of one in two of chromosomal abnormalities, all risk factors present, so looking very unlikely this will be a healthy pregnancy. I am 38 and had a miscarriage last year. I have no children. I am heartbroken, but we have made the decision not to continue with the pregnancy if the results are as expected. I am so scared, of what the next few weeks might bring that I might never be a mother, that I will never be the same again, that I have made the wrong decision, that my relationship might not make it, of the heartbreak this will bring to my family, that I am just not strong enough. How did you do it? How did you come out the other side?

[NatzCNLS]

Aoifebelle - I am so so sorry to hear your news. This is such an awful time for you and your other half. I wish I could reassure you that everything will be fine, Im just so sorry...
You will get through this, you are strong enough. I know you probably dont feel it and you cant see past the next steps, but eventually you will resurface.
I wish I could offer you more than these few words. I hate to jump on and run but I am nursing a very poorly 6 year old at the moment. I hope you will find some comfort from the other ladies on this thread. We all feel your pain and are here to help you through this xxxx

Also - Zen - thinking of you x

[Aoifebelle]

Hello all, looking good some info. Termination process starts today with tablets to soften my cervix. Can anyone tell me what to expect, will I feel this happening? Scared shitless

[LittlePoot]

Oh Aoife-I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story is very similar to mine-first pregnancy 12 week scan gave a1:4 risk and cvs then showed that baby had downs. In my region they don't do surgical terminations beyond 12 weeks so I had to go through labour. But I had a missed miscarriage in my second pregnancy so had the same surgery then. My third pregnancy though resulted in the bouncing bundle of toddler joy running about downstairs so do remember that the future will not look a bleak as now. Take a look at the list of babies in the opening post of the other support thread (pregnant or ttc after termination) and you'll see all the names from this thread have gone on to have healthy pregnancies after.

But, for now, you just need to get through the next couple of days. I didn't really feel anything from the tablets-maybe a bit sick, but that could have just been the shitty situation. The day of waiting was just long. I seem to remember googling all day looking for some hope and that's when I found this thread-it was just part 2 by then and was full of people suffering the same situation. You might find it helpful to look back through some of the old stuff-you'll recognise the feelings of fear and emptyness for sure. There were some very wise words and comfort.

For the surgery itself you won't feel a thing. I did get some cramps after but only for a couple of hours. And very little bleeding. Emotionally, I was just numb. I can't pretend the next few days are going to be easy but you will get through it. You really will. Reading the old threads might be comforting so you can see people coming out the other side. The pregnancy support thread came about in around 2010 to separate the happiness of the new pregnancies from the pain of the newly diagnosed so you'll see the same people posting on both. Its a shame its gone so quiet on here recently because they have been such a great support.

Thinking of you. x

[Aoifebelle]

Thanks so much for your post. Feeling very jittery today not sure if it is my head or the pill. Don't know what do do with myself.

I understand why threads such as these go quiet after a while. Some will have gone on to have their happy every after, some will not, either way there must come a time to move on and leave others to offer support to people following behind.

Not really thinking about what next, just need to get through the next few weeks in one piece and go from there, but it is good to hear stories such as yours. I still can't believe this is my life.

[LittlePoot]

No - I could never believe it either. One minute I'm driving to my 12 week scan all excited about seeing the baby, then within half an hour the world had come crashing down with no warning at all. But everyone else was merrily trundling through their pregnancies (seemingly) without a care in the world. It's not fair, and its not easy to get your head around. And another sad thing is that it takes away that happy 'innocence' you have in pregnancy, assuming that everything is fine. That's the main thing on the other support board really - people being terrified at every stage in case something else goes wrong. It's shit - there's no two ways about it. And I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. Today is just a non-day for you so just try and pass the time. DVDs are really helpful - endless films or tv series. Just to let time pass so you're closer to being out the other side. x

[LittlePoot]

Oh, and just to let you know - absolutely everyone I came across on this thread and the 'sister' thread got their happy ending eventually. Actually, that's not true - one lovely lady sadly got to the age when she just couldn't get pregnant any more. Luckily already had 3 lovely children, but she never got to 'complete' her family as she wanted to. But everyone else did. And you will. Hard to see that at the moment, but you'll get through. x

[lostlove]

Hi Aoife, I posted on your other thread yesterday - is it easier to keep to this one from now on, to keep things simple?

This 'in between' day is tough (I had the same wait, with a tablet to end the pregnancy and induced delivery two days later) - it's like you can't turn back, and time doesn't move fast enough towards the conclusion of the process.

There's AIBU, iPlayer and 4oD to pass the time...

I wonder if these threads are quieter because ARC have a forum now. I don't know how busy it is because I'm not a member, but if you need more support it might be worth joining? That said, I get the impression that MNers who first posted in this topic years ago do still read and post here.

Thinking of you.

[mrsbigz]

Hey Aoife, I'm one of the 'older' posters from this thread, and I do often read through although don't post as much as I should - as I got such a lot of support from the ladies in here when I ended my pregnancy.
I do hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible for you tomorrow. My story is fairly similar to yours, we had a 1:5 risk following our 12 wk scan with a nuchal measurement of 7.5. Unfortunately we were just too late for a cvs so waited until I was 15wks for an amino. The results of that confirmed ds, and we made the decision to end the pregnancy, it took us a long time to come to the decision but as we already had 2 young dc, plus the drs were unsure what the raised nuchal would result in we had to think of them our baby was born through induced labour when I was 17 wks
The bit between taking the tablet and the day of the induction were the worst for me, didnt know what to do with myself, looking back I think I was just going through the motions.
What I did want to say was, to echo Poot (hello!) you WILL get through tomorrow, you are much stronger than you realise. I was completely numb/emotionless for the couple of days following and then it hit me like a truck - and the grieving process begun. That was back in march 2011, and while there is not a day that goes by I don't think about my list baby, the raw grief has left, I am able to remember her and know that we did the right thing both for her and our family.
And like Poot I was also able to have my happy ending (as you WILL too) as I had a baby the following year.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will check in tomorrow night to see how you are doing, lots of love mrsB x

[lostlove]

Wishing you all the strength you need to get through today x

[Aoifebelle]

Today I should be sitting on a beach in Portugal, with my OH, my sister and three of my nieces. I should be waiting for my parents to arrive, and planning how to tell them they are going to be grandparents again.

Instead, I am going into hospital for a termination, and for the second time in a year I will go to sleep pregnant, and wake up not pregnant and with no baby.

Life can fuck right off.

[jmf294]

I know no words can make this any easier at all but want you to know I'm thinking of you today.
I hope that today passes as peacefully and uneventfully as possible and your recovery is uncomplicated.
Keep talking to those around you, be gentle and kind to yourself, allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
Thoughts, prayers and love to you xx

[lostlove]

I know - it isn't fair.

At work but will check back later to see how you are.

[mrsbigz]

Hi just checking to see how you are. Been thinking about you all day. So sorry you are going through this, life truly sucks sometimes here if you want to talk xx

[lostlove]

I hope you're resting and being taken care of after this sad day.

You probably don't much feel much like posting but we're here when and if you do.

[Aoifebelle]

Today is the first day I have felt I could breathe for well over a week. Whilst yesterday was the worst day of my life, right now my overwhelming emotion is relief.

Thanks for all the kind messages and support on here, this is what the internet was invented for. I think I might need to step away from mumsnet for a while, and just live my life. No doubt I will be back at some point, looking for advice and support, or maybe even dispensing it.

thanks again

aoife xxx

[lostlove]

Relief is, I think, inevitable after the awful waiting. Be prepared for the possibility of a wave of sadness following in its wake, though.

Take care x

[lostlove]

Bumping this thread to the first page so it's more visible for those who might need it.

[Nessalina]

Bumping in case it's needed