Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

lilly - im glad your finding work helpful you do sound as if you're doing really well and thats good to hear.

endo - well done for this afternoon! I had the same feeling first time out alone. I'd forgotten that. I think thats part of the reason i was dreading OH going back to work actually. Because that meant i would have to ventrue out alone. I think i did Tesco, and found myself standing next to a tiny new born in a baby trolly. I remember being pleasently surprised that that didnt upset me at all. I did find having to go down the tampon towel isle distressing though as all the baby things ... dummys/blankets ect are down there. Got quite tearful and had to flee to the cake isle!

Its funny how i find other people's pregnancys much harder to deal with than seeing other peoples actual new babies. Wonder why? Logicly it doesnt make sense, but hey ho.

How is everyone doing?

How are you getting on cremegg with your neighbour? Have you become imune to it yet? I feel for you there hun.

to everyone on this grey Tuesday xxx

Sorry! Forgot to say wishing you all the best for your scan tomorrow endo. Let us know how you get on xx

hi all, im new to this convo, but looking for support from fellow women who have had to terminate, its really difficult to talk to people who have no idea what you are going through, so hoping to get some support, i had to terminate our much wanted pregnancy back in march my due date is now 10 days away and allow i have been coping up till now feels like the closer the date comes the more the pain comes back<
endo - i completly agree seeing pregnant people is much more difficult then seeing people with babies

hi bogsyripple. i'm so sorry to learn about your termination - i too had to terminate back in March and my EDD is 15 days away....i too am dreading it. for support and understanding though, you couldn't have come to a better place....the ladies on this thread are amazing and provided support to me before, through and after we lost our little girl.

Endo - good luck with your scan tomorrow, will be thinking of you and hope this part of your recovery is finally over xxx

Misty, Lily, Cremegg, Flower, Blacktreaclecat, Bluecat - hope you are all ok. sorry i've been a bit awol recently, just sooo busy at work (for a change)!!

speak soon xxxxxx

hi bogsyripple,
Sorry for your loss.due dates are hard, mine was back in march, its such a stark reminder of what should have been, I drove myself crazy with thoughts of what should have been, passing it was quite a relief and did allow me to let go somehow. This was after a minor melt down, where I ended up having time off work just before mine cause all i could think about was i should be at home looking forward to my baby. Have you got anything planned for your due date?
We went away for the weekend cause i wanted to distance myself from it all, we had a lovely walk in the spring sunshine, and i remember being comforted by the colours of the flowers, especially the snow drops.

Hi bogsyripple. I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of this too and that the memories and pain are coming back with your EDD nearing. You are def in the right place as mrsbigz said as the support on here is amazing.

It's all very new to me so I'm afraid I probably can't be of much help but maybe getting away for a little break over the date might be a good idea. It would give you space to go through the emotions you need to and maybe give you a chance to pamper yourself a bit even if all that means is a good walk somewhere beautiful.

mrsbigz I didn't realise your date was so near. I'm not surprised you're dreading it. I hope that the thought is much worse than the actual event which seems to be the case with a lot of this. in advance.

xxxxxx

Hi Bogsyripple, I can empathise as my due date is this Saturday (I had to terminate at the end of April). I am dreading it as all I can think is 'I should have been having a baby today' plus I've been trying to conceive again without success so I'm full of fear for the future. There's a lot of support here though.

Hi Flower, good to hear from you.

Endo, good luck tomorrow. Update us when you can. Seems lots of friends were thinking of you but didn't know what to do. (I was thinking of writing a leaflet about how to deal with tragic friends!)

On my phone so won't write my usual essay.
X

oh my godness this thread is just what i need, thank you all i feel slightly lifted already ! yes we have something planned for that weekend not an intential plan to keep busy, in a way its a take your mind off event but at the same time its all a stark reminder, we are off to a wedding on my due date, at the start of the year when we got our invite couldn go for obvious reasons but now we can, with that in mind and the fact that a friend who is going fell pregnant around the time we terminated i am dreading the wedding !

i haven had a chance to read through all the threads on here so im not reallyupto date with everyones stories sorry but i would love to be able to give support to so if anyone would like to give me a quick catch up tat would b great thanks

So sorry to hear about all the anniversaries coming up on this thread. It's a very painful time - you just have to get through it the best you can; let the day wash over you and take what you can from it. I think the anticipation of the date is probably worse than the day itself, at least I found so. When my due date passed last December I did feel quite a lifting. I think the transition from thinking "I should be x weeks pregnant by now" to the new reality of "here I am without my baby" does make it easier as (for me anyway, not having other children) I didn't have any track that I could see myself being on anymore. Wishing you all peaceful days.

thanks egg, thinking of you for sat, and mrsb with your due date coming up, hope they pass peacefully.

Endo hope your scan went ok, and things are getting sorted.

It is the year anniversary of my top on sunday, it seems to have gone very quickly. I have to work the sat night and sunday night, and I dont feel I have a way to mark it, no grave to visit, which im finding rather sad, with a surgical top theres nothing after, well not at my hospital that i was told about. I have spent alot of time worrying about what happended to her.

On the ttc front all the tests came back normal so have now been refered to consultant to see whats going on inside me. Have ditched the opks and are now trying to be more relaxed about it, lots of bedroom action but more focused on love making than baby making, sorry if tmi!

misty, lily, cremegg, blacktreacle, blue, hope your doing ok, and love to everyone xx

hey all, special hello to you bogsyripple. My term was in March too, and my due date was a few weeks ago. I was on holiday which made it much better than I think it would have been at home. The hardest thing I found was receiving well wishing messages throughout the day. Lovely of people, but kept putting me back into 'that' headspace if you know what I mean!

For the wedding, my advice would be either go on a hol and avoid it or dress up, look fab, enjoy the drink and dance the night away. Imagining how big/uncomfortable/sober your mate will be might help!

The newborn next door is squarking occasionally. It's not terrible (to think I was v worried about this when we were going to have a new one!) but it's kinda shocking when you're just milling around on your own and you hear it. I have managed to avoid the lady (we are not close neighbours, just say a polite hello usually) but she poked her head over the fence on Sunday and caught DH unawares, making sure we weren't too disturbed, obv v nice of her (they dont know what happened to us). DH said he forced a congrats and said no. (But didn't ask whether boy or girl etc!) He has found the after the due date the hardest so far as for him as this is the time when little one would have been here (as I guess pregnancy is not the same experience for guys!) so I feel for him as he keeps saying he wishes we had our one here.

endo how did the scan go? am hoping your well and not needing to stay in, but if so, sending hugs your way.

misty how you doing? we are on the fertile week (...again) kinda over it at the mo and poor DH as man flu! not the best combo!

eggy you should defo write the leaflet! would be funny for us to read/relate to even if it didn't make it friends!!

hope everyone else is having an alright week xxx

Hi Flower, I know it's frustrating but I think that it is good news there is nothing wrong with you and hopefully it is just a matter of time. I think your plan is a good one and of course I hope it works for you very soon. Some people do get stressed by opks and get on better without them. I don't mind all that as it makes me feel more in control but it's a very individual thing.

I'm working on Saturday for a couple of hours and will try not to think about it too much as that's the best way for me. Ghislaine, thanks for your good wishes. I hope I too feel a sense of relief once it's over, I know others here have also said they felt that.

bogsy, we all struggle with other pregnant women here. It's very difficult not to have very ungenerous thoughts about people who seemingly get pregnant at the drop of a hat and don't have a moments stress the whole way through. I'd give you advice about how to deal with it except I have absolutely no idea - I just seethe with jealousy, anger and frustration, perhaps also simultaneously wishing I was a slightly better person!

Cremegg, I will post some of my suggestions. They will probably sound familiar to us all... (hope they don't offend anyone...)

1. Don't ignore my message telling you what has happened. Yes, it's very difficult to know what to say, but it is far better to send what you think might be a clumsy message than none at all. If in doubt try: 'I'm really sorry about what has happened and I am thinking about you.' That's fine, job done.

1. Don't tell me I'm brave. When it came down to it I had no meaningful choice and I was absolutely terrified.

1. Don't tell me I have an angel in heaven. I am not in the slightest bit religious and now I will have to look at you with a sort of religious gleam in my eye to make you feel better. I don't want to make you feel better.

1. Don't send me flowers. I only have one proper vase and now I will have to spend time that could be spent crying digging out receptacles for all these flowers. No flowers look particularly good in a blender jug or pasta jar. Also, they are making me sneeze and the house look like a funeral parlour. If you really want to send something floral send an outdoor plant in a pot that I can just plonk out of the back door and get back to my crying. If you really want to send something useful send me some nice eye cream as all this crying leads to some very chapped skin.

1. Don't turn up without warning. I really need to brace myself for visitors and that can take some time. Do come and visit me though, I might cry a bit but you're probably more likely to as I've told this tale a few times now and am hardened to it. Also, it's fine if you cry (I'd cry too if someone told me such a sorry tale).

1. Don't say 'It's like when my Nan died' because it really, really isn't. Also don't say 'It's like when my dog died'. It isn't like that also.

1. Don't say 'Well you can always try again'. Yes, that is true but there are no guarantees in this fertility business and I was pregnant and now I am not, and may never be again and I am sadder about that than you will ever know.

1. Don't tell me about anyone we / you know who has just found out they are pregnant / had a baby. Don't tell me if you yourself are pregnant. I don't actively wish them (or you) any harm but I do not want to know. It can wait. Preferably tell me by email so I can burst into the inevitable tears in private.

1. Don't say it 'was never meant to be'. I was supposed to have a baby and now I'm not going to have one and the rest of the world seems to be pregnant so why is it 'meant to be' for them and not me?

10. Please, please, please don't mention the blasted Stages of Grief unless you can actually meaningfully discuss the Kubler-Ross model and it's subsequent critics. And even if you can, don't, it doesn't make anyone feel any better!

That's all I can think of. Further suggestions anyone?!

EggletinaClock : i love those points i wish there was something like that as a leaflet back in march,i could have handed them out to everyone as most those on that list im sure someone said to me,
cremegg : thanks for the advice about the wedding really dont know what to do cant really get out of going and bride and groom have no idea what we have been through< whole situation seems so unfair and crappy ! i seem to b surrounded by people who fall pregnant and drop of a hat with no problems at all ! im hoping that as dd passes i may find it easier to deal with,

egglet - just one i'd add -

11. Please don't avoid the subject in the future. I can handle talking about it 3/4 months down the line and occasionally would like to talk about my pregnancy or the baby without thinking i'm going to empty the room!

Hello bogsy I had my surgical term in April this year and have been ttc since one week afterwards I would echo what cremegg and egglet says about coping with the due date and that wedding! Either avoid it, or launch yourself into it with a big brave face and you may even fool YOURSELF that your OK

My due date is 13th Oct and until recently i havnt worried about it. Now however i find its getting me down alot, and i have no plans for how to cope when it comes! Egglet yours has crept round really quickly hun! This Saturday isnt it? I'm going away that day (Dorset this time, not Jet setting again) but i'll message you .

cremegg - yeah, i'm in the pre stick peeing week at the mo! Its all such fun, huh?

Who said they were giving up stick peeing? flower! Good for you petal (no pun intended there) So pleased to hear all your tests came back normal. I''m going through a weird phase of feeling a bit numb to the ttc this month. Dont know why or if it will last, but i'm finding it's not on my mind half as much as the last couple of months. Its almost like i'm just fed up with the stress now and cant face it!

I have to run now - sorry - but waves to all of you lovelies ... 'specially bogsy, endo and lilly. I really hope the three of you can find a long lasting sense of comfort and friendship here, as i have done.

Egglet that is brilliant!! Sooooo true and all of them rang a bell! Especially the whole 'well at least you know you can conceive so it will all be ok now'! WTF? She was a little miracle and who knows what the future holds as you've said. I think you should send them into ARC and see if they'll publish them!

I would add:

11. Pleased don't start to tell me all about the bad things which have happened to other people or yourself. While it's nice to know you're not alone, everyone's grief is different and we've had to make a terribly hard decision to get here so I think it's very different to most other people.

Anyway Good luck for Saturday I hope it passes ok and flower good luck for Sunday. Sending you lots of hugs and will be thinking of you.

Cremegg I'm so glad that the neighbour isn't driving you insane and that it's only the occasional noise not a constant gut wrenching cry.

We had some good news today as the scan was ok!!! Hurrah! Still a little bit left but it should come out with my first period which I can expect to be really heavy. So more pain to come but nothing I can't deal with.

Off to see my consultant tomorrow to discuss next steps. Can't wait to get started again soon. I know we'll then enter the minefield of ttc but I think I'll feel better at least having a go again!! Remind me I said that in 6 months time!!

Lots of love to everyone. xxxxxx

Eggletina, they're fab, and I agree with the additions from Misty and Endo.

Another from me -

13. Please do not say that you could never have made the decision to end your baby's life and that you admire me for being able to keep going having made that decision.

Someone said that to me and it made me mad.

Hi Boggsy and welcome.

No time for more, just wanted to add my voice to the list.

egglet couldn't have put things better myself!!!? and misty (where have you been hiding?!) - you took the words right out of my mouth for another point to make....."please occasionally mention the baby that me and dh lost, for she was still a part of our family, and while it may now be yesterdays news to you, we still think about her every single day"
and of course (which i have begun to notice more recently) is pregnant people - who well, yes i'm not fond of them at the moment, but at my work we are over-run with huge bellies it seems - talking about their upcoming arrivals and then blatantly stopping and changing the subject when they see me approaching. While i completely appreciate you not wanting to rub my face in it (thank you) i'm sure there are slightly less obvious ways than that to do it.

egglet also wanted to say i'll be thinking about you LOTS on saturday and hope the day passes by without too many tears xxxxx

endo i'm so glad that the scan went ok and that what remains should come out ok with your first AF (auntie flo - as we affectionately refer to her on here) - it's amazing what we can cope with after going through something like we have......painful heavy period? yep, that's nothing, i can handle that with my eyes closed!! you do sound very together (which i'm sure you are not all of the time) but it is good to hear you being positive and looking fowards. I (like Misty) started ttc almost straight away after my term. i needed to be 'doing' something and i think, like many of the ladies on here and the sister thread, needed to somehow try and get back on the path we were so unkindly pushed from.

Flower i'm so glad to hear that all of your tests came back ok, that must be a relief. i think throwing away the opks is a great idea. i wish i could have done that, but if i had then we would never have conceived in a month of sundays......not only the fluctuating ovulation day, but also the fact that dh and i aren't 'every day' kind of people (hahaha - must be getting old, it knackers me out!!!!) so we have to have an idea of when it's 'time' and mentally (and physically) prepare for it!!!

misty have missed you on FF, hope you're okay hun are you subconsciously not posting there as you're not so 'fired up' about ttc this month? i wonder whether we're all a little down as our due dates are looming? I know you're away in Dorset this weekend (and we are going camping to the peak district on monday for a couple of days!?!?!?!) BUT when we're both back we'll have to do coffee and a chat (cake? )

cremegg i'm glad the next door neighbours were polite enough to check they weren't disturbing you, although it must be hard to know what to say to them. i'm glad that it's getting a little better, bet you've been listening to a lot of radio though

hello to everyone else. Lily i hope that you're doing ok and not working tooo hard. will catch up soon with you all xxxxxxxxx

misty : hugs to u x can get where your coming from i think it is because the due date starts to loom, i feel now looking back now im nearly at dd that mayb for those kinda 4 months inbetween ur in limbo trying to move on but grieve at same time then all of a sudden towards the day it hits you mine was i was out on a hen do at end of julyand my pregnant friend was moaning that she couldn drink ! and was the only sober one, that was it that was my trigger, i have avoided her like the plague since then, best thing is to keep yourself busy but cry if you want to, i find my self crying loads at the mo and that night in july i dread to think wat was going through the hubbies mind as i walked through the door and was hysterical with tears etc, i have thrown myself into new projects which i have found has helped big hugs x

bogsy i can totally relate to what you say.....and i find it to be the wierdest things that trigger me off. seeing pg people, babies, people talking about babies/pg - i can kind of cope with all of that as most of the time i'm mentally prepared that at some point during my day i will come across it. it's the little things that get me, like walking down the wrong aisle in Boots and coming face to face with all the pink baby newborn clothes.

bless, i bet your DH wondered what on earth had happened to you....until you explained of course. i too can not BEAR to hear any pregnant woman moaning about anything pregnancy related. they don't know how blessed they are.

just a quickie to say love the list eggy.... think we need one for mothers too ;)
have completed ignored pg friend back in UK, easy to do from here, but feel guilty... tho cannot bear to ask when 20 wk scan is as don't think I could resist saying good luck!
ttc is not great this month, DH has man flu and so it is all a bit 'forced festive'!! not sure am getting on with opks but they're giving me something to do. 2ww officially starts today!
hope the weekends go as well as poss eggy and flower, choc and wine?!
xx

Lordy cremegg, i could do one for Mums!

No. 1 being: PLEASE dont turn it into a being miserable competition! Ringing me up and monologing on how down/ill you suddenly are isnt very tactfull or helpfu.

1. Dont start asking when i think i'll be well enough to take you into town again the morning after my term. becasue you're running out of milk when theres a perfectly good corner shop 3 minutes walk away. Give me time and space.

3: If we want to be left alone for the first couple of days after the term. and OH asks for a bit of space PLEASE dont turn up anyway and then sit there and say "Oooh you look alright! You've had nothing till you've had a kidney stone, now that DOES hurt" ..... sigh.

1. DONT keep on and on saying variations of "you've done the best thing - who would have looked after it when you got old?" Or - "I've told Auntie/Uncle X,Y,Z and they think it was a good idea too" .

1. Dont tell me ..... It wasnt meant to be. Now you can do X,Y,Z. Oh well you dont need to move now. You can concerntrate on the older ones. This has saved you money. Get yourself out and about and you'll be fine!!!

1. Dont mantion stiff upper lips. Grrrrrrrr.

and breeeath.

cremegg sorry to hear about the man flu. Good luck and everything crossed for you for the 2ww hun.

We'll be in a caravan with 2 kids over the beggining of 'ov week' this month, ha ha.

Shhhhhhh!!!

Sorry no more personals - have to dash now and i've spent all my time doing the 'Mum list' ! . Was strangely theraputic though - thanx egglet and cremegg for kicking that off

Brilliant misty I'd add:

1. Please don't say 'I haven't told anyone but I just said you had gynae problems' (last bit said in a whisper). Why did you tell them anything at all? Now I sound like I've got some kind of STD!!!

Am having a small melt down here. My sister in law is pg and is due 2 weeks before we were. She's just had her 20 week scan and is having a boy. She's posted it on Facebook. I've just got so upset as I keep thinking that we should have been doing all of that in a couple of weeks time and announcing to the Facebook world that we're having a little girl :( I'm obviously really happy for them but it just really hit home. They live in Sydney so we normally only see them once every 5 yrs but they're coming over for a visit on 3rd Sept for 3 weeks. I'm not sure how I will cope with her bump especially as she's at my stage of pg.

Can't seem to stop the tears :(

endogirl : can relate totally, keep yourself busy when she comes over that should help take your mind of things, i have come to the conclusion that people close to us who r pg seem to b the ones tat forget what we have gone through more then anyone else< i dont think they do it intentially just seems to be that way, i now avoid my pregnant friend at all costs, which is tough as she was a good friend and was amazing when i had my term, but its easierto get threw these things not having that constant reminder ! managed to read some previous posts last night, i am also still in my 20,s (26). so from another level i can relate to you big hugs x

Oh endo. Forgive me for laughing at no.7. Indeed - why say anything? I do hate all the hushed tones as well.

I think its a generation thing. In the past it 'just would not be talked about'. Nowadays if we're going to talk about it we just get on and bloody talk about it! Not pull faces and speak in weird, low mutterings.

Ignore me today! I'm flaring up at the slightest thing! lol.

I'm sorry your having to face your sisters pregnancy head on already. bogsy gave good advice there. While she's visiting try to keep busy - go out together, ect. Dont try to stop the tears at the mo hun. If they need to come out let them. Its no good bottling it all up and then snapping at your sister or something. Were you/are you close? I'm sure you'll ave a good long talk with her once she's here about what you've been going through. Its going to be tough - i wont waste time saying it wont be - but you'll get through. With your OH's understanding and a bit of preparation. You always have us to rant to remember?

Avoiding pregnant friends is so understandable and such a common rection for those of us who have had to go through this. Please dont feel guilty or unusual to be doing this. Its self preservation, and if its what we have to do to get by - then so be it. I think each of us probably have a stage in our lives, mentally or physicaly, in the future, when we will be able to handle other peoples pregnancys again. We're all different - and will have different things going on in our lives .... ttc again. Maybe not ttc again. Failing to ttc, managing to ttc, putting it all behind you, whatever ... we're all on different jurneys. I dont know if its going to be months or years for me till i'm 'normal' again, and can look at a group of strangers and not imediately pick out the pregnant one and think - cow! Awful isnt it? I dont want to stay this way! laughing at myself here.

Anyway - i've bummbled on enough. Dont know if i'm being any help?! Waves to all, to those who need one today xxxxxxx