Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's hard enough to cope with anyway without the stress of additional surgery. I hope you and your dh are managing ok under the circumstances. Rant on here all you need to. Thinking of you x

Thanks lily. I'm sorry to dump everything out when you're suffering too. The other nightmare was that my right boob also decided to leak milk everywhere during the procedure so my gown was soaked. I think I found that more distressing!

At the risk of sounding totally melodramatic I really do think I'm losing it and can't cope with all of this.

Endo you poor poor love. I havnt been home long (away 8 days) so i havn't had time to read your original thread yet but i have read all of this one and i cannot believe what you're having to go through. Wish i could do more than send you virtual hugs and virtual vibes ... but sending buckets of them anyway xxx

Your hormones will be raging - so quite apart from the fact that you have been treated so badly initially you will still be feeling much more emotional than you would normally hun. This will be making things estra tough. Hold on - it will all be over with soon and your body and mind can begin to heal. You can cope - dig deep. Are you back at home lovie?

I'm posting this, but will be back in a mo xxxx

cremegg - hi love. Awful for you about your neighbour! I really sympathise. Crank up the tv and pop some cotton wool in your ears at night? A hug is in order there

Lilly - glad your still chatting to us. It helped me so so much in the early days to share my thoughts and feelings with those who can empathise xx

Everyone - this is just a quickie - very tired xx

oh Endo i was so hoping you would be back home now, with it all behind you and able to start your proper recovery. i can't believe you're having to go through all of this, and your poor dh, it must be ever so hard on him as well to see you in this situation - plus you are both still grieving.

i'm at a loss for words, but just wanted to say yet again, please use us on here to vent/shout/let it all out. between us we have a lots of pairs of ears and are here to support you as much as we can xxxxxxxxxx

ps - WELCOME HOME MISTY!!! Missed you - hope you had a lovely time xxxx

God Endo, what a disaster. But, and I'm aware I'm scrabbling about for a positive here, at least they know what the problem is and there's a plan to deal with it. Also, I passed the material myself, it gave me a bit of a shock but it wasn't painful or anything. You will get better eventually. I promise.

If it's any comfort my termination and aftermath also seemed like a cruel joke. We had to wait 10 days from scan to termination, including being given the wrong date for the second opinion - which was the bit that very nearly tipped me over the edge. After the actual delivery (which was at least ok, compared to yours) I first got a urine infection, then a uterine infection and just felt like life was grinding me face down in the dirt and it would never end and how could one ordinary person cope with all this. I then had gastroenteritis for a month as my GP thinks my immune system was shot with all the stress. However, I'm still here and I'm ok. Not brilliant, but coping and not insane.

I vented on here loads (and still do) and can only recommend that you keep telling us how you're doing and we'll try our best to help.

Lots of love to you though.
x

And of course HELLO misty. Welcome back, missed you - catch up soon. xxx

Oh no how awful for you. Hope you pass it naturally and it works out ok.
Big hugs

endo so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. sounds awful and very unfair. I hope you feel better soon. Make sure you eat well and get lots of iron back after all that blood loss. Sending love and hugs to you xx
misty lovely to see you back, how was your hol? hope you enjoyed some vino and got to chill with DH?
lily how r u doing?
am leaving TV on lots to avoid bawling through the walls! :D Have also ordered cheapie Ov sticks from net and considering acupuncture, it's like I can't trust 'leaving it to nature', feeling a bit 'why are so many blooming people pregnant?!?!' after 5 mins of fb! grr.
off to yoga, hopefully will chill me out!
xx

Cremegg, I found that starting charting again and using ov sticks etc. made me feel like I was at least doing something to increase my chances. Just be careful that you don't end up spending lots of money on stuff that has no real evidence base though! I can also recommend fertilityfriend, several of us off here use it.
x

Cremegg how's it all going? Are you coping ok with the noise? We're actually going to live with MIL in a month as we've bought a house which will take about 8 months of work before we can even live in it and I can't wait to get away from all the bumps and babies round here. Never thought I'd be so keen to be moving in with her!!!

I tried the cheap OV sticks and they didn't work for me so sent me into a panic that I wasn't even ovulating!!! I found the clear blue monitor on amazon was half the price compared to Boots and it gives you a much longer fertility window. Might be worth a try??

Today is my first official day on my own. Have already cried my heart out so I'm hoping that's it for today. I meant to say that we didn't get offered any hand/foot prints of Cora by the hospital which for some reason was really upsetting me. The lovely chaplain went and organised them himself. He found out that they don't normally do them on the gynae ward. Anyway all sorted now and I'm so pleased.

Lily how are you doing today?

Hi everyone.

Cremegg, I hope you are coping with the noise. Gym sounds like a good plan!

Endo, such a nightmare you've been through! Glad the chaplain came through with the hand and footprints of Cora. I have to say I struggle to look at the ones I have of baby Stella (my first lost baby was 13 weeks and don't have them for her) but having them means a lot to me, like I've managed to keep some traces of her and she is part of the family memories. Does your MIL live somewhere with fewer bumps? Sounds like living with her might be quite therapeutic in the end!

Lily, how are you doing? Still very recent for you, too.

Hi Misty, Eggletina, Blacktreacle!

Hello ladies

Hi cant, and hi everyone.

endo - i think you're doing fabulously! Take care of yourself and try to fill your time with gentle things you enjoy. I cant imagine myself in a situation where i would be looking forward to LIVING with my in laws either, lol. (they're lovely people and everything - but ...) It just goes to show we never know what life has for us doesnt it? I was a terrible woose about being left alone for the first time. My OH had been off work with me from the day of my bad scan, and had to return to work the second day after my termination. I had a mixed couple of days. Then went down. Then slowly slowly came up. I posted here ALOT! Such graditude to the ladies who got me through all that. You know who you are! We're here for you anyway love xx

Must dash - got a tripple dental appt. with the kids soon (routine check ups) - great - got to spend and hour pretending im not at all scared and feeling sick just to even be in the waiting room, and that one day soon i WILL be having MY check up too (like hell! lol) xx

Endo how are you doing today? Hope it is not too hard for you while your DH is at work. Are you still in pain or is that easing a little?

I'm doing ok I think, no tears today (so far), and feeling a bit stronger.

Sorry for the short post, just nipping on here between customers at work.

x

Living with my in-laws would be like stepping into the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Hope you've coped on your own Endo, the crying is perfectly normal and healthy and better out of your system. Hope you can be looked after over the weekend.

Lily, I hope you're coping with working. I am amazed you can manage it but I know some people find the distraction helpful.

Love to you all anyway.
x

Lily how are you doing today? I hope you don't open Sundays and are having a well deserved day off work. Make sure you treat yourself today.

Misty I hope the dental appointments went ok. I remember my mum doing the same with us!! Took a long time for us to work out what was really going on!!

I wanted to ask you all a quick question.

My friends were excellent between us getting the bad scan news and finally going into hospital but have been a bit absent since. My two closet friends were supposed to come over at various times since but keep cancelling or postponing last minute. Plus my Mum is being a nightmare so isn't an option for support at the moment. She keeps going on about how she has lost a grand daughter and is too upset to cope with anything at the moment. So everything is falling to my dh which I feel is so unfair on him. I'm trying to be strong but I just feel a bit let down and really lonely right now. Am I just being over sensitive?

Should say closest friends not closet friends!!!!

Hi all xx

Yes, well done for being back at work already lilly! Is it helping, or is it a struggle? As egglet said - it can be a distraction for you if you're abke to cope ok. I hope you're getting a break this weekend too

endo - about your friends... This is ringing a bell with me. Just after i and some of the other ladies here had had our terminations i'm sure we had this exact same conversation. Support from friends was there aplenty, as you say, pre proceedure, but went a bit awol afterwards. I think we all came to the conclusion that maybe its hard for friends to know how to behave exactly now. Wether you want cheerful company/long councelling type visits/to talk about it/not to mention it ect. I have heard many ladies say how much they enjoyed just a good laugh with their friends after an initial hug and 'how sorry we are' thing. Me included. Its a tricky time - as yes, the worst is over phisicly, but the mental healing is going to take a while and your needs will be different at different times.

Perhaps you could send them a message to say you're fragile, but mentaly stable enough for a chat and a cupper like always? Also that you would enjoy a bit of company to take your mind off things? Lets them know where they stand and what you need maybe.

I'm sorry to hear your mum is being a pain. I know just how that feels as mine was similar, and went into an immediate decline - moaning on and on about her cold/flu symptoms. It was like she wanted a competition over who's more miserable! I also seem to remember on her insisting i escorted her to a routine hospital appt. which turned out to be at exactly the same time of day as my term. exactly one week to the day later, in exactly the same area of the hospital Keeping your mum at arms length for a little while is the best policy for you right now i think.....

and love to all that needs them today xxx

Endo - No you're not being over sensitive and even if you are, it's allowed at a time like this!

I had a variety of experiences with friends. My closest friends (two in particular) came round quite quickly afterwards, although probably not until at least a week or so. I was still very upset and struggled to hold it together when I was talking to them about what had happened, but it was like it was something we had to go through and their subsequent visits after that were far more normal. I did warn them that I was quite wobbly before they came round but that I did really want to see them. I think honesty is the best policy really.

Less close friends were a weird mixture. Some didn't respond to the message saying I'd had to have a termination. Fine, not everyone knows what to say but I must admit I have judged them harshly on this as I would never ignore such a message from anyone, no matter how casual a friend. Others did respond but only after a delay of several weeks, which again I judged them harshly on as I would never do that.

Others were unexpectedly lovely, surprisingly, as I didn't consider them particularly close friends before. One girl made a real effort to come and visit me in the early weeks as she knew I'd gone all agoraphobic about going out. I really appreciated that. Others sent unsolicited messages to see how I was, offered to drop in, go shopping for me, that kind of thing which really helped me feel generally supported. A couple of these types of friends said it had taken them ages to compose the 'right' message to text or email me and that they just didn't know what to say. I said that nobody had upset me by sending me a message, the only upset I'd felt was from those who'd said nothing.

My family were supportive, but mostly my sisters. My mum was terribly upset (not out of attention seeking, but because she has her own issues around pregnancy loss) and I didn't use her for support.

I think the best thing you can do for your DH is make sure he has someone to talk to about it all apart from you. Mine was supporting me, doing all the childcare for our daughter and still trying to keep working in the evenings and he didn't speak to anyone for a good few weeks. He then went out for a drink with a friend and ended up having a good talk to him about it all and he said he felt much better afterwards. I was quite relieved when he said that had happened as I was worried he was bottling everything up.

Whoops, this has turned into a massive essay! Hope it's of some use anyway.
x

Thanks Misty and Egglet for your thoughts and advice. It's a fantastic help.

I was beginning to feel all alone and panicking a bit. It's so strange how people react and I certainly hope I would always be there to support my friends even if it might be awkward or difficult. Egglet I know what you mean about people surprising you. One of my Uni friends who i haven't seen for ages has been texting me every day to see how I'm doing and it's been so lovely to have someone doing that.

I hope you've had all had a good weekend. We managed to get out for a nice walk today and it felt great to get out in the sunshine and fresh air!

Thanks again ladies. You've cheered me up knowing it's all normal. Xxxxx

Endo sorry your mum isn't able to be supportive, that must be really hard for you. I know what you mean about leaning on your DH. I have encouraged mine to talk to one of his close friends which I think helps him. I'm trying really hard not to let him see me upset too often and not to talk to him about it non-stop, but its hard. It can be difficult with friends, I have only told one friend the truth and she lives miles away so we generally just meet up a couple of times a year, but she has been great. I'm seeing another friend later this week but have just told her it was a MC. I think most people don't know quite what to say or how to react, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with. How are you feeling physically this week?

I'm finding being back at work is really helping me. I'm generally most upset when I'm at home on my own, so being here is best I think. We worked Sunday too as it was a trade show we'd booked months ago. The good thing is that DH and I get to spend plenty of time together when we're working, so I don't really mind not getting a day off this week.

I find I'm already thinking about TTC again and the wait for results and appts seems endless at the moment. I know it is sensible to wait a while from a physical point of view as well as emotional so the enforced wait is probably not a bad thing overall.

Hope you are all well, and thank you again for your support and kind messages these past few weeks. x

Sorry, forgot to ask something - the hospital said they were sending away samples so that we can get a full chromosome analysis and that we will see the consultant for the results. Does anyone know how long the results usually take to come through? I haven't heard anything back from the hospital and we haven't got an appt yet.

Yes, I had that done, it's called a karyotype and they sample from the umbilical cord. We went back for the results a month after the termination but I had to chase them up after three weeks as I hadn't heard anything.

I had also consented for a post mortem but after the results from the karyotype showed it was a 'straightforward' case of Edwards' Syndrome I opted not to go back to listen to the post mortem results as I thought I would find it too distressing and it not tell us anything further that may be of help in a future pregnancy. My consultant agreed with this and we left it at that.

I found going back to the consultant's office (on the delivery ward where I had the termination) surprisingly distressing. It just sort of hit me when we walked in so beware of that.

Thinking about ttc again quickly is really common, personally it makes me think of the future rather than dwell on what's happened. Glad work is helping to distract you too.

Endo, glad you've got some good friends.

x

Lily I'm so glad that you're finding working is helping you. I can't believe you work with your dh! If we did that we'd kill each other in about a day!! It sounds lovely that you get to spend time together at the moment though.

I know what you mean about thinking about ttc again. I've booked in an appointment with my endometriosis consultant on Thurs to find out what the next best steps are. We're not sure if it's better to got straight for IVF or try naturally again.

I finally had a visit from one of my friends last night and she brought lots of cards from other friends with her. It seems that no-one really wanted to send anything in case it upset me more. It was lovely to chat everything over with her and then ignore it all and catch up on the normal day to day gossip!

I'm also feeling slightly proud of myself as I managed to get out of the house alone this afternoon! How daft is that! I don't know what I thought would happen but it was boringly uneventful!

Anyway back to reality tomorrow morning as we've got another scan to see if the remaining "products" have come out naturally. If not then it's back in again for another ERPC so please cross your fingers for us!!!

Sorry form the essay!! Xxxxxx