Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

hi Endogirl am hoping you're back home now snuggled up on the sofa with your DH. I'm so glad to hear that you (finally) managed to get the hospital staff sorted out, and of course spend some time with your beautiful baby girl - Cora is a gorgeous name. I'm sure that it isn't your top priority at the moment, as you must be just relieved that people heard your voice eventually BUT i would be expecting a letter of apology from the hospital for the appalling way they treated you both.
As for now, the healing process begins, and it is a very very bumpy ride - i found myself completely emotionally distraught one minute and 'almost normal' the next. it WILL get easier - you will find that we can all tell you that, but the pain and grief will never go away, just be less, and easier to manage.
for now, i hope you and your DH can take comfort from one another, and know that there is always someone here if you need to offload.
sending you many healing thoughts xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Endo just wanted to send a quickie to say thinking of you, and hope you are resting at home with DH. You both need to be kind to yourselves right now. I am pleased he was so good and got it sorted for you in hospital, sounds like nurses didn't have a clue what they were doing. Glad you got to see Cora, it was right for us to hold our little boy and have pics to look back at. There's no way it should have taken that long for them to let you see her. Anyway, glad you will be home now, just take it easy and I can recommend a holiday over the due date, if it's poss.
lily how are you doing hon? thinking of you too, when I look back at the early days now, it's kind of surreal how you go about 'normal' things but feel so up and down.
waves to all other ladies xxx
(evil af is here, but pleased its not another marathon cycle!)
xx

Hi all.

Lily, I hadn't said hello to you. I am so sorry that you too have been through losing a baby in this way. You sound very calm and brave. Watch out for sudden, panicky bouts of upsetness that come out of nowhere when you think you're doing really well. I think I was quite calm, too, mostly, then would suddenly feel I was losing it. Be gentle with yourself.

Endo, you probably feel jetlagged by the last couple of days. Be kind to yourself,too. I know it's too early to contemplate trying again probably, but Turners is apparently very random; not connected to maternal age; very unlikely to repeat. Having said that-as you may know, I lost another baby after the Turners baby, this time to a totally unrelated fatal condition (renal agenesis). I do have two healthy little girls though, one from before the two losses and one after. So you are in a good position to try again.

Hi everyone else. Good luck with array IVF; with ttc; with medical investigations, clomid etc. The period of trying again after termination is haunted by images of the baby that didnt make it. But the sister thread is full of happy endings, and I am sure you will all get there too. It's just so hard to believe in it.

I am so sad that Lily and Endo and others are going through what they are, but happy this thread is here to support everyone.

Hi everyone. Having a strange but calm day today. I just feel a bit empty really. I used to put my hands on my tummy and chat away to Cora so I sort of don't know what to do with my hands the moment. Seems strange she's not here anymore.

Lily, how are you doing? I hope you're holding up ok. Do let me know if I can help you in anyway. PM me if you'd like to chat in more detail. (although I have no idea how to do that!)

I think we're going to write and complain to hospital and also to the FMU consultant telling him that maybe the gynae ward at our hospital isn't the best place to send people.

I honestly can't thank you enough for all your support over the last couple of weeks and while it's so sad that we're all on here, I look forward to hearing about how everyone is doing and hopefully be able to help too in the future.

Hi Endogirl,

When you feel up to it I do think you should make a complaint about your treatment. If I were you I would make the point that a medical termination is a delivery and as such, should take place where all the other deliveries do. It is one of the most traumatic experiences to have to go through and for it not to be handled sensitively is a disgrace. It does seem to be the consensus that those of us who were treated in maternity wards / hospitals had far better experiences than those on gynae wards.

I mentioned them before but the best way to raise concerns with the NHS is through PALS, www.pals.nhs.uk/cmsContentView.aspx?Itemid=944 who will advocate on your behalf to make sure you get an appropriate response.

Lily, hope you are ok.

Hi cant, I hope you're well. I do find it reassuring that there are so many happy endings over on the other thread - I just wish someone could guarantee them for us all here. The uncertainty is dreadful.

Hello Cremegg, glad AF arrived - you know what I mean. I'm expecting to come on tomorrow then it's back to the countdown to ovulation again. It's my due date soon and I think that's making me feel very down at the moment. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again by then as I thought that might make things easier, but it's not to be. Anyway, I'm keeping busy and trying not to have the mental collapse I had last time I came on!

Back to the paint stripping!

xxx

Endogirl it's 'good' to hear from you. i think that sense of calm is a very common feeling on this thread immediately after a loss. i can also relate to you not knowing what to do with your hands, i found it terribly hard to realise that there was nothing there, no baby to talk to any more. again, although a huge cliche, it does get easier.

Lily, been thinking about you a lot too, and hope you are finding these last days ok. i hope you have a lot of support in real life, i found those friends and family that did know about what happened invaluable in the initial days and weeks.

Cremegg, hello!!! to echo Egglet i'm glad AF found you - in that you're not waiting around like you did last month and can move on to the next cycle. hope you are keeping well xx

Flower, Blacktreacle, Bluecat, Misty0 (yes i know you're on your hols!!) and everyone else, i hope you are all okay!!!

Speak soon xxxx

god i have just relised my due date is on 1st sept, i have just been focusing on my 20 week scan hoping its a girl as its on 1st sept. also just seen the dr at hospital and i will be having a growth scan at 34 weeks whoo cos of the big boys i have had already. i did ask if they had on record the sex of my edwards baby, but not yet the midwife said she will phone cambridge but i didnt know if that day, so will ask when in for scan hopefully they will have found out, i want to put the right sex colours on its grave,
sorry to the newbies

Good morning ladies,

How are you today, Endogirl? I'm really pleased you managed to get everything sorted out in the end, though I'm appalled at what you had to go through. Cora is such a beautiful name, and I'm glad you managed to get some time with her.

Thank you all for the kind wishes, I'm doing ok. After the initial calm on Wed I was a bit teary on Thurs then broke down completely on Fri evening. Nothing in particular set it off, just a bit overwhelmed by it all and by the future we've lost now. Its taken over two years of TTC to get here and it seems such a long journey. I' seem to be up and down and all over at the moment, but just trying to go with the flow.

We've only told our immediate family the truth, everyone else thinks we had a late miscarriage. I'm not sure how I feel about that, even though it was my decision. Part of me wants to tell everyone the truth but the other part of me doesn't want to cope with their reactions if they are not supportive. Has anyone been 'public' about their termination? I wish we could be, and that others could be too, because it feels very lonely in rl and I know that there could be other people I know in the same situation.

x

Hi lily. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been up and down. I'm not surprised you lost it on Friday especially when this has happened after two years of trying. If it's not too personal a question, do you think you will try again? My dh would start today if we could but I'm not so sure a the mo. All that joy and excitement followed by this makes me too scared to even think about it. Maybe it's too soon anyway.

We've done exactly the same as you. With some people we haven't been specific and have just said she had fatal turners and left it that. I'm worried that people will judge me if they know the truth and given that I'm judging myself I couldn't cope with them too.

Can I ask you a strange question? Did they tell you what to expect now and what you should and shouldn't do? We weren't given any info so I'm lost here. My boobs are solid and absolutely killing me. Is that normal and when will it go away?? Also do you know if we can go swimming? It's my way of dealing with things and I'm dying to get back in the pool but not sure about risk of infection maybe?

Hang in there lily. It sounds like you're doing amazingly well. Do you have time off work at the mo? Is your dh home with you too? The weather seems nice today. Why don't we both try and get out for a little walk to lift our spirits a bit? Followed by some chocolate cake to reward ourselves???

Tons of love. Xxxxxx

Hi Lily, not much time but wanted to say that I think many more women than we imagine have terminated. I have been very secretive about mine, but when DH told a colleague about the first termination, she said she had terminated (some years ago) for T21 and never told people. I think the overwhelming majority of people would be 100% supportive of the decision, but maybe many wouldn't know what to say/how to react. Go with instinct maybe? But actually recently I have told relative strangers about the terminations, and they have been nothing but sympathetic. I think it's easier for me to tell now that they are years behind me, it's all so much less raw, somehow.

Endo, swimming - think you possibly need to wait till you stop bleeding, but not sure. The solid breasts will get better, cabbage leaves in the bra are meant to help but I couldnt quite face that. I think mine took about five days to go down.

A wise soul here told me to wrap myself in comforting things after my losses. I found that did help. So did going to the beach and getting thoroughly windswept by the sea. Not sure why! I think your walk idea is a good one.

Lily, Endo, whereabouts are you in the country? (vague is fine!)

Thanks can't. I may try the cabbage leaves!! Going to the beach and being buffeted around by the wind sounds a fantastic idea. We were thinking of escaping somewhere next weekend so you've inspired me to find somewhere by the coast.

My dh agrees with you that most people will understand and he wants to be honest with our friends but I'm too worried someone would give me a funny look or make a comment and that would set me off on a massive guilt trip. I think you're right that time will put this into perspective.

Sorry I seem to be lurking on here but dh is having a well deserved lie in and i don't know what to do with myself!

I live in south west London. In the heart of the area they call "nappy valley" so every step outside our front door means we're greeted by bumps and prams gallor!! Not great!

I lurked here all the time after my second termination. I was looked after by people who had been through it too. It does help. And the sea certainly helped me.

Nappy valley, poor you. I found bumps really hard. Not babies so much as bumps. I have recounted this before, but I got so obsessed I was jealously coveting a pregnant bump that turned out to be a man's beer belly....!

Hi everyone,

I was very open about having had to have had a termination. I think I was so shocked that it had happened that I wanted other people to acknowledge how dreadful it had been to have had to actively end the pregnancy. I did not have any negative reactions other than a few people not really knowing how to respond, but they weren't particularly important people and I think it was the loss they struggled with responding to, rather than the specific circumstances. I told a couple of fairly devoutly religious friends that I'd had to terminate, as I wasn't making exceptions for anyone's personal beliefs and I had nothing but support and compassion from them. My attitude was and is: 'walk a mile in my shoes before you even think about judging me' and I am quite fierce about that. I also do not feel any guilt, I feel I was in an impossible situation and I did what would cause least distress to all involved.

I think it is a very taboo area, even when it is for lethal medical reasons and that saddens me as I think there is a lot of hidden suffering out there. You quite often find that when you talk to someone about it they say 'Yes, that happened to my cousin' or whatnot.

I too live in nappy valley, everywhere I look are people with children, babies and bumps. We live in the kind of area people move to to have kids, it's very very hard and I do actively try to avoid it as much as possible but you do inevitably feel like your face is being rubbed in it.

Lily, yes it is desperately unfair that it had taken you two years to get to that point. Life really is vicious at times. It's good to let it all out though, I always felt calmer after a massive sobbing session. I'm afraid to say I still do four months on, but they are less frequent these days.

Endo, I wouldn't go swimming until the bleeding has definitely stopped. Swimming pools can be quite germy and the absolutel last thing you want is an infection. I had one due to retained placental material and it knocked me right back in terms of recovery.

My milk came in very quickly and took about a week to go down. I found it very distressing, one of the cruelest parts of the recovery. I found wearing tight vests and wearing a bra at night helped.

As for trying again, I had / have an overwhelming need to be pregnant again but I waited for one normal cycle before we started trying again. My age is also against me though and that might not be a factor for you. The advice is generally start again as soon as you feel ready, there's no clinical reason to wait.

Going away somewhere is a really good idea, or even just going out for a walk somewhere where you'll not be confronted by a stream of buggies. You really need to look after yourselves the first few weeks as it's a bumpy ride.

Love to you both though.
xxx

I'm back at work already, I run a pet supplies shop and my parents and DH have been looking after everything for the past week or so. I went back to work on Thurs after the termination on Tues and actually found it helped a bit to have to be normal for at least most of the day. I'm not working on my own though, my parents have been in today and DH is in the next two days which will be good.

I'm finding it hard this afternoon, I decided to sort out my maternity file and open letters and packs that I'd got through the post (I stupidly decided to sign up for freebies etc the day before we got our test results). I haven't felt brave enough to open them since we got our high risk result so there have just sat there for the past 5 weeks. Two had really lovely little cuddly toys inside which just sent me into floods of tears. However, I've included them in a memory box along with our scan photos and a couple of 'thinking of you cards' that we received. It feels like the right thing to do but right now I just feel very sad again.

Endogirl, I know just what you mean about worrying that other people will make you feel guilty about what you have done, when you are trying so hard not to feel that way anway. Although I am certain we made the right decision, I don't feel that I deserve the sympathy that I'm being given by people who think it was a miscarriage.

In terms of TTC again, one minute I feel as though all that matters is getting pregnant again and getting our lives back onto the track we were on. And the next minute I feel more rational and want to give it at least a few months for us to recover. Although we haven't discussed it yet, I know DH wants to wait at least a little while. Age is not on our side, nor the fact that I only have one tube, and have low progesterone and high prolactin, so will need to be back on at least two lots of tablets before we TTC again. We have to wait 8 weeks for the results from the chromosome tests, so I guess that will be the enforced wait in our case.

We have booked to go away to europe for a few days next month. It will be a holiday/businses trip as we will see some suppliers while we are there. Hopefully it will be just what we need.

Sorry, I have written an essay again, I don't know where all the words are coming from at the moment. I guess you are all very easy to be honest with because you all know what this is like.

xx

well i did put everything on facebook, from finding the tummy prob so i shared the geeps webpage, then the cvs, the results of edwards so i shared the soft uk facebook page, and also told everyone about the term so noone needed to ask me anything, it was all on my facebook, and noone has said anything bad to me. and i think they understand why

Endogirl, Lily - been thinking about you both a lot. i understand what you mean about telling people, and how much information to give. when we had our bad nuchal result (which was when we were going to announce) - we chose only to tell close family and friends that we were even pregnant (and we never told our children - ds1 would have understood the concept of a new baby, although ds2 was too young - that said we will tell them one day, and they have been with me to visit her grave). and those close to us DO know the whole story. as it was another 5 weeks before we lost Eve, we were then selective about who we told the whole story to. i was by then obviously pregnant, so a fair few people think that we just lost our baby naturally. and actually, in hindsight i kind of wish we had told everyone the truth - i think it would have be easier for me if people knew. as Egglet very rightly said - until you have walked in our shoes, you can never understand the decisions and choices we were forced to make.
Lily, i hope being back at work is going ok - i took 2 weeks off after my termination, and i found going back quite a good thing for me - getting back to some 'normality' and also being kept very busy meaning i had less time to think about things. the only downside was (and still is to a degree) the number of pregnant people in my offices, a couple with due dates around when Eve would have been due next month....so it is really hard to see their bumps growing and know that that should have been me.
Endo - i agree with the others about holding off swimming until you've stopped bleeding, just to be sure that you don't get any infection or anything like that.

TTC again - i think nearly everyone i've become 'friends' with on here has had an inherent need to start trying again as soon as they feel ready. there's no medical timescale (think they used to say 3 months, but now you're told just when you feel ready physically and emotionally). we started trying the first month after i got my proper period back as i needed to feel as though i was 'doing' something, and both my husband and i found it quite bittersweet.....we needed to be back on the path we were so cruelly pushed from, but at the same time didn't want to feel as though we were trying to replace Eve.

sorry, bit of a ramble there. main point was to say i'm thinking of you both xxxxxxxxxxxx

hey all, hope you're doing ok, thinking of you endo and lily. Sounds so similar to what we've all been like, ok one minute and then something will set you off (and as I said before this may be v diffferent to what others expect to set you off or not)
am sure your trip will be a good thing lily good to get some alone time. We went for a couple of days just after, and what I like was no one was around so we could chat really openly and be ourselves. I think it's times like these when you realise how much you can be yourself with your partner compared to anyone else.
My neighbour has had her baby, I can hear it through the walls. When I realised what is was yest (as been dreading it for a while) it made feel sick. Now I shall just turn up the TV. It feels particularly poignant as our baby boy could have been 2 weeks old.
In terms of telling people exactly what happened, I am with you eggy in that I think people should know how crap life can be and feel a real need to be brutally honest. Sadly tho I work in the Catholic School system, with a boss who displays 'end abortion' posters around school... awful! I told the senior team exactly what happened, and I think most people realise or think I had to be induced, no question (which really if you ask me, is true, knowing the baby wouldn't have made it) But I haven't had a direct chat about it with my HOD as he was on leave, almost want to but don't, due to self preservation! Luckily the youth minister at school was lovely and chatted about how his sister had to go through it, so it's not like everyone is fundamentalist but it's still made it challenging as at the end of the day the parents pay for a catholic school so we have to be true to that.
So i guess what I'm saying is, I am all for telling people as how else do people know what can happen, but at the end of the day there's no reason to make life harder for yourself, esp at this time. Be kind to yourself in all ways!
Shall stop rambling now, speak soon ladies xxx

Thanks everyone. Will hold off on the swimming for a while. At the risk of sounding totally shallow, I hate looking like I'm pg and I did eat for about 5 people during the months I was so I'm keen to lose the tummy as soon as possible. I also feel like I need something to occupy my time or I'll go crazy!

Lily I'm sorry you had to go back to work so quickly but glad that it seems to be working out ok and that your family are helping out. If you're near south London and need a hand at all for free, then give me a shout as I'm a (very) mature student (36) so i have time to help if logistics allow!

I had a massive anger attack yesterday. We went out for a little walk avoiding the yummy mummy places around us but on the way home we took a little detour and ended up seeing 31 people with either bumps or prams in the space of 10 mins. Sorry was so obsessed I counted them. Got really angry with them all as they were all so happy. Totally irrational and unfortunately my dh got the brunt of it. He had no idea what to say so we just ended up having a huge row. Horrible.

Cremegg I'm so sorry to hear about your neighbour. That sound seems to cut right through to the core. Why don't you make sure who have a radio on in the house at all times so you can't hear it when it starts. I hope it doesn't upset you too much.

Hope everyone else is ok and thanks for all the advice.

Xxxxxx

Endogirl, lily I'm thinking of you. I used to have to close my eyes to bumps they upset me so much but it is a little better now.
Xx

Sorry but I need to do a little bit of a me post.

Today started off ok I had some lower back pains which were coming and going but not too bad. It got really bad about 6pm on a par to when I'd taken the tablets on Friday so I called my GP to see if that was normal. She sent me to a&e who then sent me to the acute gynae ward. An internal scan showed there is lots of retained product still there and the pains are basically contractions while my body tries to get rid of it. So I'm booked in for an ERPC first thing tomorrow. Am totally fed up with all of this now.

Has anyone else had an ERPC after a medical termination? Is it painful and any tips for recovery?

Xxxxxxx

Hi Endogirl i'm afraid i can't offer you any advice on having that procedure as i've never experienced it, but i just wanted to say i'm so sorry that you're continuing to suffer!! I'm glad though that you rang A&E and are getting it sorted, as retained products can lead to infections and other problems. Hope you are still getting lots of support in real life xxx
will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope all goes smoothly

Just what you need. I didn't have any procedures but I did have infection due to retained placental material but they were certain I'd expelled it myself. I was on penicillin for a week and was ok after that. The retained stuff made me feel very ill for a fortnight after the termination and I did feel much better physically once it was out. That's about all I can contribute really. I doubt it's any more painful than anything you've already experienced but it is a real pity that you're now having to go through this.

I just wanted to say I am very sympathetic to the bump rage too. Counting them is exactly what I do to tell my husband just how many seem to appear whenever I leave the house. I don't have any advice on how to deal with that either! I used to try to tell myself that I didn't know what they'd gone through to get that bump but I'm too aware that for 98% of them they haven't gone through anything at all and it's just not fair, why me etc etc etc!

Hope tomorrow goes ok.

Cremegg, that's so hard about your neighbours. I hope you're ok pet.

Lily, I'm amazed you're back at work but know it can't be easy if you work for yourself. Just try not to overdo things, the grief will keep hitting you for a long time yet. I've said it here before but one thing I noticed is that grief is exhausting and there have been many days I've just wanted to sleep and sleep.

Posting from my phone so I'll go now!
Xxx

I had an erpc after a mc. Very easy, light GA felt ok physically within days. You will be fine. Make sure they send you home with antibiotics.
Not fair you should have to go through this as well.
Take care xx

Endogirl, hope you're back home by now and can properly recover this time.
x

I am actually beginning to believe this is all just some big cruel joke or a bad dream and I'm going to wake up soon.

They has to stop the procedure as I was bleeing so much and on the verge of needing a blood transfusion. The consultant stepped in and stopped everything. They scanned me and there is still a lot of retained product there so we have to wait a week and then go back for another scan next weds to see if any of it has come out naturally but they expect me to need another op.

When will this all end????