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Pregnancy choices

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Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

863 replies

mrsbigz · 14/05/2011 22:54

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

OP posts:
lily06 · 11/08/2011 19:20

Hello Endogirl, so sorry that you find your self in this awful position. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I guess you are at pretty much the same stage as I was, and I can honestly say that it really wasn't too bad, and certainly nothing like I had feared. It went very quickly and the hospital was very kind throughout. If there's anything you want to ask that would help, please do. I hope things go smoothly for you tomorrow. x

EggletinaClock · 11/08/2011 19:45

Hi Endogirl, I'm glad you found us and although I'm obviously sad you both find yourselves here, hopefully you and Lily might find a certain solidarity in going through this at almost exactly the same time.

I'm afraid you're not the only person who posts here who has had fertility problems in the past and then had to terminate, it does make it seem even more desperately unfair. I can only conclude that nature is extremely cruel sometimes.

I can't add much about getting through the rest of today, but time passes regardless. I found it helpful to keep saying to myself 'this time tomorrow it will all be over'. I had to wait 10 days from scan that essentially condemned the pregnancy to the actual termination and that wait was appalling. I was actually relieved when I took the tablets as at least that was the beginning of the end and I knew I'd be able to focus on recovering then. Lots of people here have said they felt calm and even relieved afterwards.

How are you feeling Lily? I hope you're getting lots of tlc.

x

(PS There is no going on too long here! We've all written screeds and screeds at times.)

Endogirl · 11/08/2011 20:03

Hi Lily. Thx so much for your message. I hope it's not too hard for you at the moment especially with me probably bringing it all back again. I really hope that we can support each other over the coming weeks.

I will admit I feel calmer today than yesterday. I think it was just the act of actually taking that first pill. I felt like I'd really let my little girl down by deciding to do that. Hopefully tonight will have less tears and more sleeping!

I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful GP who gave us a prescription for some lovely drugs to help me through the weekend. I'm hoping I won't need them but it's nice to know they're there. I'm not one to say no if need be.

Eggletina thx so much for all your help and support and for directing me here. It's so comforting to find people who understand and won't judge decisions made.

EggletinaClock · 11/08/2011 20:31

If it's Valium the GP has given you then they are absolutely excellent for short term dealing with anxiety and distress, I have some myself, I only took three or four over the first couple of weeks but it was very helpful to know they were there if I felt I needed them.

Taking the pill is horrible but I felt almost like I wasn't really there. I found I went into a sort of autopilot state that carried me through a lot of the almost impossibly difficult parts.

One thing which really helped me was the concept that I had no meaningful choice, my baby was not going to survive, so I had to think about my own well being and that continuing to carry a child who I knew would not survive would have been unbearable for me. One thing that still makes me cry every time I think about it but is also of some comfort, is that what I did I did out of love, to limit further suffering for everybody involved. I think that holds for all of us who post here.

Unfortunately, going through this experience is like walking into a different world, where horrible cruel unfair things happen. You shouldn't be surprised if you are the only person you know in your everyday life who this has happened to. That's one reason why this thread is good as we do all genuinely know how dreadful it is. Also, there are those of us who are a few months down the line and can hopefully serve as an example that you do start to recover and although you never forget, you learn to live with what has happened.

It's a bit quieter than normal here as a couple of regulars are on holiday and it has been a bit quieter of late. I keep popping back as I don't like messages to go unanswered for too long (but please don't feel you have to keep replying if you don't feel like!)

xxx

mrsbigz · 11/08/2011 20:37

well, i seem to be playing catch up here Endogirl i just replied to your other thread and hoped you would post on this one - and here you are. passing the time, well it is difficult. i found that once i'd taken the first tablet i went from being hysterially crying to relatively calm. i suppose it helped somewhat that i had other kids to look after, who couldn't see me being upset. i think the evening before i went in i tried to watch a random film, played silly games on my phone, and also talked and cried a lot with my dh. i did find it hard to sleep, and i remember sitting out on the swing in the garden at about 2am in the morning, just talking to the baby in my tummy, and apologising, but also telling her that we'd made our decision out of love for her, and not wanting her to suffer any more than she had to. that might sound strange, but that really did help me - it was almost like i was making my peace with her, because i felt so terribly terribly guily, even though the decision was pretty much taken out of our hands.
i said this on the other thread, but if you have any questions i'm around tonight and will check in on you. happy to answer anything (and am pretty straight-talking....sure someone will back me up there!). i'll be thinking of you tomorrow hun xxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
blacktreaclecat · 11/08/2011 21:09

Endogirl I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know what you mean- our baby was our miracle after fertility treatment, endo treatment etc. You wonder how and why God/ the universe would let you get pregnant only to loose the baby in this most awful way.
I hope the next few days go as well as they can for you
Xx

EggletinaClock · 12/08/2011 07:29

Thinking of you today Endogirl. xxx

gillianread · 12/08/2011 22:05

what is the other tread?

EggletinaClock · 12/08/2011 23:16

The other thread tells Endogirl's story. It is www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/1259580-Nucal-fold-5mm-and-risk-of-DS-1-19?pg=3 apologies if that doesn't work, I'm posting from my phone.

Endogirl, hope you're home soon. I've been thinking about you today. xxx

mrsbigz · 13/08/2011 10:54

hey Endogirl been thinking about you and hope yesterday went as well as can be expected. please know we are here for you when you feel ready to come back xxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Endogirl · 13/08/2011 11:07

Hi ladies. We're still at the hospital in the middle of a total nightmare. Is it ok to post details of what's happening on here? I don't want to freak out any future ladies who haven't yet gone through all of this. Xxxxx

Cantdothisagain · 13/08/2011 11:11

Hi endogirl on phone so being brief but do do post I am here thinking of you and will reply. I have had 2 medical terminations. Hope you are being looked after. Thinking of you...

mrsbigz · 13/08/2011 11:15

Endogirl i'm sorry you're still at the hospital - please do feel free to post, we may be able to offer you support if nothing else. sending you huge hugs, hope that you are bearing up whatever is happening....xxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Endogirl · 13/08/2011 11:45

Ok so we arrived here yesterday at 8.30am. No one really explained what was going to happen and in the end I had to ask to see a chaplain as I was panicking about what would happen to our little one afterwards as no one seemed able to tell us. He was great and felt better after seeing him.

Settled down to taking the tablets and was on morphine to ease the pain. We're on a gynae ward not labour so I wonder if things are a bit different as no gas and air etc.

At 8.30pm the nurses changed shift. The new nurse had the wrong chart for me and would only give me codeine every 4 hours. Was in unbearable agony for about 3 hours and in the end I had to shout for them to finally find the right chart and give me some morphine.

At 10.15 we took the last progesterone tablet as we had reached the max dose for one day. Told doctor was on way (had only seen nurses so far) and they would just see us through the night and then start all over again with the tablets in the morning.

By 1.30am we still hadn't seen a doctor and I didn't know what to do with myself re the pain and grief of it all.

At 2am our little girl decided to come. We had to deal with it on our own in the room as the nurses didn't respond quickly.

The placenta still hasn't come out so we're STILL waiting to see a doctor. I think I may need a d&c.

I feel like no one cares and I'm worried about where our little girl is. No one has said about being able to see her. Sorry this is long and babbled but I'm exhausted and totally distraught. Am I being melodramatic and this is just how it was for everyone and I just need to harden up?

Cantdothisagain · 13/08/2011 11:51

Endo it was not at all like that for me either time. Both times they asked me immediately if I wanted to see my baby, and I did. The second time the baby stayed with me until I left hospital and the chaplain came and did a blessing which I was grateful for. I didn't have a retained placenta but I really feel your situation has been handled all wrong, maybe cos you are on the gynae ward, as you say, but I was for first termination and still didn't have to put up with that. Please please ring the bell and ask for help. They are being totally unfair. Big hugs.

mrsbigz · 13/08/2011 12:09

good grief, Endogirl, i completely agree with Cant - you should get someone to come immediately and explain how you are feeling. we too were asked straight away if we wanted to see/spend some time with our little girl, which we did. regardless of you being on the gynae ward, you should still have been given the same choices. please please speak to someone as soon as you can and insist on being given some answers, and to see your little girl if that is what you wish to do.
sending you lots of love, i'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else xxxxxxxxxx

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Cantdothisagain · 13/08/2011 12:20

Hi Endo,

Just to add, I had my first termination in gynae ward at 13 weeks and my second in labour ward (but special bereavement suite) at 20 weeks and my second experience was way better. I am not sure the gynae ward is where people like us should be put. They don't seem to have the experience to deal with the hardest parts. I too was alone when delivered my first baby, and I passed out, so DH was in effect on his own. The second time around I had a lovely lovely midwife, so different. I know how hard it is to speak up when you're exhausted and so so sad; maybe send your DH if you are past it all?

Still here listening for now. Thinking of you, and may your little girl rest in peace.

Endogirl · 13/08/2011 12:42

We've asked repeatedly to see the doctor and just keep getting told they're on their way but no one comes. We've also explained about wanting to see our little girl and they don't really say anything. Do you think I should phone the chaplain?

I really can't believe this is happening to us. I just want to get the placenta out, see our baby and get out of this place.

Cantdothisagain · 13/08/2011 13:03

So they are just ignoring you. That's awful. I think you should ring the chaplain again since nobody else is listening. It's so bad. I really hope you can see your daughter and escape soon.

lily06 · 13/08/2011 13:06

Endogirl I am so, so sorry that you are having such an awful time. We were on a gynae ward too but very different to your experience, so I don't think it excuses their behaviour. Phoning the Chaplain certainly couldn't hurt, especially if he was kind and helpful before. Do push for anything you need from the hospital, that is what they are there for. Unfortunately there is so much variation between hospitals, we refuse to use the one closest to us (after my ectopic) and now travel further but feel much more supported by them. Definately do send your partner to demand that you be seen by a doctor. If you haven't passed the placenta then they should really see you as priority, especially as you are still in pain. Perhaps if he hasn't any luck on the gynae ward he could go through to maternity and see if there is anyone more sensible there? Please post all you need to and we'll help you through it as best we can. Thinking of you xxx

EggletinaClock · 13/08/2011 13:07

Endogirl, I'm so sorry it's turned out like this, it sounds totally out of order.

If you have a number for the chaplain phone them and get them to act for you.

Otherwise you could ask to speak to the Ward Manager and ask if there's a patient advocacy service who can provide someone to help you.

I don't know whether contacting PALS would be appropriate while you're still in the hospital but you should definitely contact them when you are discharged.

(I had my termination in a large maternity hospital and it was absolutely nothing like you describe, the support was sensitive and followed my wishes to the letter. You should not have had this experience, gynae ward or not.)

I hope you get out soon. Lots of love too. xxx

mrsbigz · 13/08/2011 14:05

Endogirl i hope that you have had some results now - i do think it a god idea you phone your chaplain as he sounded kind and understanding. ward manager also a good idea. failing that do you have a number for your midwife, or whomever dealt with you during the testing/waiting period.
as for having not delivered the placenta yet - you should be top of their list, and i would urge your dh (if you're unable) to demand you are seen.

i'm hoping i'm writing this retrospectively and that you are now (finally) being listened to. sending you lots of love xxxxxxxxxx

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Endogirl · 13/08/2011 15:21

Hi ladies. Thx for all your support. My DH went mental at them and then stood over them until they got a doctor up from another ward. She was lovely. My placenta had come away but hadn't passed out so she helped me push it out and then cleaned me up. She was appalled we hadn't seen our little one and also arranged for that to happen. I think it was just the nurses that were sh*t on our ward.

Anyway. Trauma is now over. We have seen and said goodbye to our little girl and named her Cora. She was so cute and even made my dh cry which never happens.

Thx for everything you wonderful ladies. I was at my wits end and you really helped me through.

We're just waiting to be discharged now. I can't wait to get home.

Xxxxxx

Cantdothisagain · 13/08/2011 16:47

Hi endo what a beautiful name. I am so glad that you saw cora and she was so cute. It helped me to see my babies, though I know everyone feels differently. I hope you can go home with some lightening of the pain of losing your little girl.

Keep posting.

Hello to everyone else, on phone so being brief.

EggletinaClock · 13/08/2011 17:19

Endogirl, I'm glad it was sorted out but sorry it was so awful in the first place.

Cora is a beautiful name and I'm glad you got to see her.

I hope you are at home by now and can focus on recovering.

xxx