Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

sorry for absence, thrown back into the deep end at work (plus catching up from holiday) so been a bit awol. and went out for a mandarin meal last night and ate FAR to much - very tasty though!!

just wanted to wish you luck myangelava for today and hope that it all goes smoothly xxxx

have also joined misty in the temps rising scenario so am hoping that i too will have a confirmed O in the next couple of days - would help if i didn't keep waking early and mucking up my temping times

will catch up properly later on, love to you all xxx

Hello all, a bit if a 'me' post, but all went fine at the scan this morning. Scan
Puts me at 11 weeks today (a couple of days ahead of what I think I am, which I was hoping as with Ava they put me a week back and it always worried me) with a heartbeat, arms and legs, which is all they could really check at this early stage. So first hurdle done with screening in 12 days from now. Burst into tears when I got into the scan room but they were all lovely to me. They have changed my due date to Ava's birthday, 20 Jan, which I'm trying to see as a positive sign that she's watching over us. Still, a very emotional day. Thanks for thinking of me xxx

Brilliant news! Must have been awful even just going into a scan room. Just try to take it one step at a time for the next bit. X

Fantastic news myangel. When you said about crying on your way into the scan room i filled up! Bless you.

EGGLET! Enjoy France! Have a great time my lovely xxxx

xx

well at my scan on wed, found out i was 11 weeks yesterday so my due date is 19th jan, going back for screening on 16th july hopefully my bloods r ok, as when i went for cvs on my last baby, they had my bloods results there and for edwards which it had, it was 1:5 and downs was 1:30 so as long as the results r ok i dont think i will have a cvs, congrats myangleava

myangelava

Hi everyone

myangelava glad your scan went ok

We are off to the lake district tomorrow for a week, then we are making our way back to devon via friends in lincon and leicester then mil in essex. Hopefully will be able to check in, but dont think our cottage by the lake will be in a bt hotspot!

hope everyone has a good weekend, the weather is looking good at least.
xx

myangel i'm SO glad the scan went ok today, can't imagine what it must have been like to step back inside a scan room, but i'm glad it was ok and they were all lovely to you. must be strange having your edd on Ava's birthday, but i think that IS a good sign - that she is looking after you xxxx

flower i remember you saying you were off on your travels!! hope you have a lovely time away, and if you have a spare couple of hours while you're in leicester give me a bell - not too far away :)

gillian i'm sorry i don't think i've congratulated you yet on your scan either - it's nice that you and myangel are only 1 day apart on your due dates too! hope that your next scan goes well, and you don't need the cvs

egglet am going to miss you but have a lovely time in france - eat lots of cheese and drink lots of wine (mmmm, cheese and wine - my two favourite things!!) - look forward to hearing all about it when you get back

cremegg any sign of AF yet? the waiting part between O and AF i always find the worst......hope that you get some answers soon so you can either move on to the next cycle, or see that BFP xxxx

me - had a horrible day (sorry for the repetition FF friends) my ds1 fell over at preschool, they called me to tell me he'd had an accident and i needed to get there straight away.....OMG i've never driven so quickly (and safely of course!) - bless his little heart, it seems he must have landed on the side of his face.....stratches, scrapes, cuts, massive bruise on his forehead. ran along a path which they realise now must have 'sunk' a little in the recent rain, making it uneven. he looks like he's been in a few rounds with mike tyson. was all i could do not to burst into tears when i got there and saw him, his poor little face. he seems ok now, asleep, no signs of concussion or anything. was a right shock though, and he's going to be in some serious discomfort over the next few days :(

Good morning ladies - soo sorry for a me me me post but need to get this out in the open..
I am soo sorry to meet you all as know none of us want to be here.... I certainly don't :-(
We lost our little girl Amela May on 13/05/11 after finding out she had Edwards syndrome. She was 14wk & 5days. We were very lucky to have had four scans due to previous losses, we saw her strong heartbeat, moving about & waving to us. To us she was just perfect.
The 5 previous losses before were all pre 12wks were we found baby didn't have a heartbeat at our scan or I had been bleeding & lost baby naturally.
To me the hardest part & I keep replaying this in my head when I know I shouldn't just BUT can't stop it.
I took the tablet to end her life - how could I end her life when she had a heartbeat, to me she was my baby.. I then had to go home for two days to wait for her to die.. Then go into hospital to deliver her.
There have been good days when I know it was the right thing to do & some very dark / down days were all I do is cry at everything. I know I am blessed to have so much in my life, my husband is just wonderful being there for me, giving me a hug / tissue when needed. A beautiful home, fab friends & a job I love. The only thing that is missing to complete our family is a baby to have & hold, to watch grow up into a beautiful adult..
Thank for taking the time to read this posting, been in tears whilst writing it. I know deep down I have made the right choice but it hasn't made it any easier to come to terms with and move on. I have counselling on it's way but waiting for an appointment to come through.
Good to hear the scans went ok & everything crossed for you both - not that you need it because all will be well. I have faith that it will be :)
Take care ladies, keep smiling
X x

Oh stunned -

You've got me in tears now!

The hard truth is: Nothing will ever change the fact that all of us here had to end a life. We went through it - and are having to learn to live with it. That is the hardest part of the tragendy of this. Thats why its so unfair of the people who havnt gone through it to swan in sometimes saying what we did was wrong or too easy. It was neither. It will always be there in our minds somewhere, like a life sentance. Learning to cope is - just learning to cope! Nothing will erase it away, or make it that it didnt happen. Sometimes i feel guilty for 'selfishly' wanting to even get pregnant and taking the risk in the first place! Madness. Utter madness. But we torture ourselves some days ....

A MC is out of our control (ususally), and sympathy abounds form everyone. When you've terminated a child, for whatever reason (its not always health issues, some ladies have to terminate because of other issues in their lives) then the feeling is going to weigh heavy. Sometimes unbarably so. But it lifts slowly, slowly over time i've found. Hasnt gone away yet. Probalby never will completely.

You know in your heart that you did the right thing - and that is what will pull you through stunned. Your going to have bleak, black days - but do always come and tell us. Please accept all my love and hugs that i can send you here, and know that all the other ladies will be sending you theirs too. We are all in this boat with you love. Your not alone. This is why we're here -

How are you feeling now hun? Is your DH with you today?

xx

Oh stunned, I'm so sorry that you are having a very down day and I hope that you're with your OH and feeling a bit brighter than your post. My baby also had Edwards and we ended her life at 26 weeks. I too have struggled with the actually procedure that ended her life. I signed a form, took a tablet and allowed a dr to put a huge needle in my bump and inject her heart to stop it beating and that too was the hardest thing to deal with for me, both at the time and subsequently. For me it was so much harder than delivering her 2 days later. This is something that I really had to work on with my counsellor and it really helped- I have a mark on my tummy where the needle went in and which I think will not disappear now (the procedure was on the 18 Jan 2010). I can just about look at it now. I'm sure that your counsellor will help you too stunned and remember it's still such early days. In your bleakest moments you have to remember that you have done the right thing. You had no real option and nature would have taken her away at another point, which may have been worse for her, even if you had not taken that tablet. You did what a good mother does and did the best for your child even though it has caused such pain for yourself. I am so, so sorry that you have had such a horrible road leading up to the loss of Amelia. Sending you big big hugs and we are here for you xxx

Afternoon ladies
Feeling bit better today, had ok ish day yesterday after my post. Went to a meeting at 1100hrs with friends to go over some accounts / books, then an heated AGM, then a demonstration of mediumship in the evening, finally got home at 2200hrs yawn. Had a couple of glasses of wine with hubby went to bed & slept until 100hrs this morning.. Latest I have slept for ages & I was in bed about midnight.
I know deep down we have done the right thing for Amelia, knowing full well that she wouldn't have lived if we had carried on with the pregnancy. The may well have been in pain & I wouldn't have wanted that for her.
Giving birth I didn't find too hard or the D&C the next day - it was the taking the pill that has got me.
Know what the tablet did medical wise but still feels like I killed my baby who seemed to have a good heart beat & was growing well. I was placing all my trust in the doctors who said there was something wrong with her. Not that I don't believe what they told me at all, just sometimes think what if they got it wrong but know they didn't
Oh my goodness Myangelava that must have been awful for you as you further gone than me at 14wk 5days. Sending you a great big hugs.
At any stage isn't a good time to find there is a problem with baby no matter what the problem is.
Hope everyone is having a good relaxing weekend
X x

Thank you stunned- I also don't believe that it would have been any easier if I'd found out an an earlier stage- although im obviously grateful that i didnt find out any later. it's just the process that's a bit different and I wanted you to know that it's that process that I also found and still find incredibly difficult and I don't think we are alone. I have low moments where I think I should have carried on to term but I saw her 'crossed fingers' (a marker) and I know that I did the right thing. As you do. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and I'm sure that counselling will help xx

Stunned, hope you're feeling better today. I'm another Edward's 'victim', I terminated at 22 weeks before we even had a firm diagnosis as the heart problems were so bad. It's one of the most awful things one can go through and I think as you personally have had so many other losses it must be particularly hard for you to have had to initiate one. However, the brutal fact is that Edward's is a lethal condition and as such, there is no hope for the baby, so at some point you have to do what's least horrendous for you. Although the entire termination process is the stuff of nightmares, to me it would have been even worse to let things go on, waiting for a still birth or neonatal death and knowing that was the only outcome. That would have driven me insane.

We all approach things differently but one thing I've learnt is that being here and talking to other people who know what it's like is enormously helpful and I hope it is for you too. I think at the end of the day, what we all did, we did out of love and to prevent further suffering. We've faced up to nightmare scenarios, that most people can't even imagine, and that takes a lot of effort to learn to live with. I'm only a couple of weeks ahead of you in the process and I have good days and very bad days. Sometimes I don't think about it for a few hours and then it catches me by surprise and I am overwhelmed by sadness and anger that it happened. Anyway, it's best to keep letting it all out and that's what this place is good for and don't ever apologise for posting about yourself.

I'm having counselling on the NHS and I think it's helped a lot, I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for yours and you find it useful. (I was lucky as my GP is excellent and fast tracked me through the system.)

Much strength and love to you though and I hope you're due some better days now. xxx

hey all, just a quickie here.
i wholeheartedly agree with you eggy being in a position of waiting for a late mc, stillbirth or neonatal death would be horrendous, and would only cause suffering for all involved.
Day 39, still no af, still bfns, goddamit! never had a cycle this long (well took 8 weeks after the induced birth... but really didnt think an mc at 5 weeks (which one midwife told me 'is just a late period really.... err yeh, with a bfp?!) would interrupt the cycle so much, anyway, thought she'd be here by now?! am normally (before whole process) a 29 day to the exact time person! but guess hormones will inevitably change all that...
hope weeks go well ladies (enjoy the warmth, we nearly had hail today!)
CE xxx

wow there is so many of us that had a baby with edwards, i had never heard of it b4, now i am even signed up to soft uk on facebook. i was lucky to had the tummy not formed so all its inside was out of body, at the 12 week scan ,1:10000 and only 30 % are normally due to the chromos eg edwards. also the scan on monday 21st feb put me at 11 week as all my scans do as my cycles are always over 30 days a month, had an cvs on the friday at cambridge, and they had my bloods back saying hormones was very low so they would think the baby to be dead, also edwards was 1:5 but cos of tummy and size baby, it hadn't grown since the monday scan he put me at 1:2 so 50% chance. because of everything i forgot a pic , so when i went in for abortion on 2nd march at 12 weeks 5 days i asked for a scan pic, not very good as no water in my bladder but a pic, but was quite upset it was still alive and moving, but as i was under 13 weeks by scan size i went under and was put to sleep, i didnt want the pill as i had 2 csections with my big boys and didnt want to give birth. wait days i wanted it to have the nightmare over, and as i was over 12 weeks i had a funeral paid for by the hospital so i have a grave to go to., also if i hadnt had at 12 week then i wouldnt be 12 weeks pregnant now as i got preggs in april 1 month after the abortion, think my body was waiting for a baby

Evening ladies
Hope you are doing well
I am feeling so much better, still bit had bit of a wobble when talking to a friend today but that is part of life I guess.
Still waiting for the counselling to come through,guessing it will be soon but not sure when...
I had never heard of Edwards before Amelia but am certainly am aware of it now.. :(
Found this on another site which is good news www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13942992
Take care out there
X x

Just a thought Stunned, but does your employer offer a counselling service you could access more quickly? If you work for a big organisation often they have a contract with a general counselling service that staff can self refer to (I didn't see a specialist counsellor but a 'general' NHS one and it was fine. The methods are the same regardless of the problem.)

Cremegg, hope you've got AF by now. My cycle was about a week longer after the termination.

Hope everyone else is ok. I'm on holiday but there's wifi so I'm checking up on you all!

xxx

Just a very quick one -

Hello to EVERYONE - no time for personals right now, im sorry.

Was just thinking of you, cremegg, and wondering if AF has come yet, or a BFP?

xxx

Yesssss............. We have a counselling session BOOKED yes you read that correctly I have a session booked for 26/07/11 at noon. They called me thus afternoon :) I am soo pleased really I am.
There is a company called core care who offer six sessions via local counsellor. I was going to give them a call next week but now I think I will wait a while. I get 10 sessions on NHS.
Waves to everyone, nearly the weekend & I am away Saturday night with a friend who is due 5/9/11 she as lost babies before this one. Then back Sunday for the night. Then on Monday I am aware for the week with a girlfriend at a spiritualist retreat really looking forward to it :)
Take care out there
X x

YAY - Stunned that is fantastic news that you got your appointment through - not too long to wait either!! i'm sure you will find it helpful, i didn't have counselling myself, but i know that many others on this thread have done so and have really benefitted from it.

sorry i've been a bit awol recently, hectic at work as usual, although i've just negotiated myself back to working compressed hours (so full time over 4 days instead of 5) - welcome back lazy mondays!!! i will be back on the ball again soon. off to bed now though as completely knackered. in the 2ww so will see what that brings....if anything!

Cremegg - am also curious (like Misty) as to whether AF showed up yet for you??

Gillian - hope you are feeling ok at the moment, not too long until your next scan?

to everyone else, will catch up soon xxx

still searching for af! that will be 6 weeks tomorrow from mc, still bfn of course. grr. any idea what i should do ladies??
yay to sessions stunned and the retreat sounds fab, would love to go on one, have fun!
lazy mondays are awesome mrsb yay to having them back!!
xx

sorry for double post but had to tell you ladies... i just phoned a nurse (at a gynae type clinic) and she basically told me not to worry and to book an appointment only after 12 weeks of no af! ha! how mad is that. could be a blooming long wait to ttc now. (and don't mean to whine, but hope the witch either comes in the next 10 days or waits til after my holiday, am scared enough of being shark bait in the sea here, don't need additional help lol!!)

Stunned - I'm delighted you've got an appointment. I was given 6 sessions on the NHS and I felt that after 4 I felt a lot more rational about everything. I'm going to have one more after my due date and I think I'll have done as much as I need. They don't take the sadness away but they do give you space to talk stuff through.

Cremegg, I don't know what else you could do except just wait. My period came back 45 days after my termination but I have a long cycle normally. Maybe the fact that you've had two 'disruptions' of your cycle quite close together is responsible? Very annoying though when you just want to get back to normal.

Hi sorry I've been AWOL.
Been doing ok but struggling a bit the past couple of days. Think I'm premenstrual so clomid hasn't worked this month.
Just though I'd mention that the Arc forum is now up and running, more private than here and easier than the arc email group.
Will be back later for personals xx