Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

Where she done gone?

Oh dear. can I just say......

MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

you are about to have a rude awakening!!!

ps it's not all bad of course......

Oh, visitors! Not enough has been said about visitors who turn up and gormlesly sitthere, and don't know when to bugger off. And you are so tired it doesn't even occur to you to say what you are wishing, with all your heart, that they would just gohome. And I thought this for my mother, brother and father!

I was also absolutely enraged at a birth present which arrived by courier (who, of course, rang the doorbell while I was asleep), from a friend of my mother's. This lady is very nice, and she probably thought she was being very nice, too, but I was really quite angry that her present had woken me (and DS), and was going to require a thank you letter that I had not been planning for, and it was something I didn't want. Fury like this will fill you... but there will be so many people you won't be able to talk to about it!

The sleep deprivation thing is very specific. It is sooo much easier to get no sleep than sleep in hour-long (less or more) chunks. Also, dreaming you are feeding, and then being woken to realise it's time for a feed, means you feel as though you haven't actually had any sleep. And that's bloody annoying!

The BBC i-player and DVDs of TV shows got me through the night feeds once they had settled a bit, by giving me something to look forward to, without its being a great long film that I would be unable to turn off because I was so tired and passive. TV shows the length of Friends will be ideal once your feeding is established.

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I don't think I even know how to sleep properly any more- the merest whimper from dd2 in the room next door wakes me up

Good question naive. Very good question. I felt the same before having DS. And now, looking back, I do wonder why it wasn't easier. I regret spending any time trying to get anything else done. I wish I had just gone to bed and snuggled my baby. But instead I tried to clean, put make up on, do laundry, cook while he slept. My theory is that nothing about having a small baby is particulary difficult - but that the hard thing is that everything must be done at their pace - this tiny helpless little thing just cannot be reasoned with, told to wait, or explained to... so you have no control. I think the temptation then is to try to regain control by rushing around and doing other things like laundry. So my advice is give into it, give any sense of control up, and give everything over to your new baby. Gradually your baby grows up and life begins to feel normal again. It doesn't last long. And it's such a precious, magic time, one that you will never have again.

I wonder if the OP is now in a corner quivering with fear?

Just to balance it out a bit

My life with newborn/infant was easy. I did sleep every time she did, 10 min power nap or 1-2 hours, it all added up. House wasn't pristeen but it was clean, used to wait for H to get home and we'd get the basics done then. I learnt to shower quickly but a few minutes of crying didn't hurt her. I didn't answer the door to unannounced visitors if I thought it would interfere with napping/relaxing. I enjoyed it so much that No2 arrived 12 months later and having 2 wasn't difficult either

I think it can sometimes depend on how much you can let slide, I'm lazy and could happily look at the washing pile or dishes and it didn't bother me

I co-slept; I bf for up to 2hours at a time with DS, who had a tongue tie and could only feed lying next to me to start with (he couldn't latch properly any other way for weeks). So I spent most of the early days in bed with him. I slept when he did, but fitful sleep, as others have said, is nothing like as restorative as a good solid 7-8 hours.

Then you have the sudden waking up thinking something terrible has happened; and the paranoia (my usual one was that I would fall down the stairs while carrying DS) - fear is debilitating too.

My DH thought a bit like you do - "but all he does is eat and sleep - I thought small babies slept most of the time?" Well, perhaps OTHER people's small babies do, but mine would only nap for a max of half an hour during the day in the early weeks, feed for 2 hours, stay awake for a couple more; repeat as necessary.

Quite frankly, when you have only half an hour's grace, it's as much as you can do to achieve ONE thing, so you prioritise. And housework is frequently not top priority!

Best of luck with it, do come back and tell us your thoughts when you have had your baby.

theyoungvisiter - yes, I heard it was 500 cals per day as well - neatly corresponded to my daily bar of G&B milk and almond chocolate! (my excuse? "I need it to feed the baby..." )

I found the long days with just DD the hardest. Was always up and dressed in the morning, but DD used to have terrible afternoons where she's just scream and scream and scream. Day after day after day......People would suggest taking her for (another) walk (in the middle of winter) but by teatime i was exhausted. Sitting on the couch sounds like bliss but it did my back in and i got bored (wish i knew about slings then!). Going from career woman to mummy was a huge shock!

You can get all organised, be dead chuffed with yourself, then get covered in sick,poo,wee, have to get you both changed, then baby starts screaming for another feed...it can be relentless. And constant clock watching...when did she last feed/sleep how long for...why could she be crying for now......

Whoever invented the phrase 'sleep like a baby' was having a laugh - unless they meant little and often!

my son is now 20 weeks old and i'm the happiest person in the world since he was born! the most difficult part for me was pregnancy. then i had a 14 hours long labour but it wasn't the end of the world! my midwives were great, epidural was great, my birth partners (mum & hubby - my dad was waiting outside) were great and my baby was FANTASTIC )

yes, i don't sleep much - but hey,i always had nights out and went to work the following day! mum stayed with us for a month after my baby was born so it was really helpful.

i'm exclesively breastfeeding so i have to be with my son all the time, which is a great thing!!

i try to sleep when he sleeps during the day but it's not possible most of the time so i go to sleep when he goes to sleep at night (around 8.30pm)so I can get some sleep. oh, and I take him with me to our bed for very very late feeds so neither of us has to wake up )

i don't care what i'm wearing btw. if i'm home i don't mind wearing my pjs - they're quite comfy but i found that if i wear something comfy when i wake up i find it easier to go out for a walk, shopping etc as i don't have to run up and down trying to get dressed and keep baby happy at the same time. our house is clean but untidy and i don't care!

i have to go back to work in early March so i'm doing my best to have quality time with my precious boy.

life has changed, yes. for me, in a very very good way! but this is me & my baby. i agree with others who say it may be different for everyone.

i hope your life changes in a good way too

Congratulations, good luck and thank you for starting this thread. My PFB is 7 weeks old, and it's so reassuring to read the responses.

Nothing new to add, but what I have found so far is that not all newborns sleep that much - and they may only sleep for 20 minutes at a time, feeding for most of the rest of the time. I find it difficult to sleep when I don't know if the crying is going to start again in 5 minutes or 2 hours... A lot of babies like to be held all the time, waking and crying if they are put down.

Don't know about ff, but I found bf could (still can) go for hours at a time with only enough time in between to change a nappy.

Then you will also be recovering from the birth itself, possibly with ongoing injuries if you've had a cs (I had emergency cs) or stitches down below.

You soon learn what you can do with one hand, though, and work out how to do what is important to you (I put my face on while feeding - makes me feel more human, but doesn't look great ).

Don't get us wrong though - it is worth it

Best thing was getting dh to take the baby out for an hour so you can have some time on your own to sleep, have a coffee, bath, potter around in peace and know that for that time baby is not your responsibility! It's hard work caring for someone 24hrs a day....

I thought I might have something to add when I read the OP- but having read through the thread I think it's pretty exhaustive!

I thought the same before DD. Thought I'd make jam, chutney and cakes all day and have the most productive allotment of the site, the house would be immaculate and delicious meals cooked from locally sourced food every day...

Instead, welcome to my home- I'd let you in if the pile of shoes and coats allowed me to fully open the door. Please excuse the piles of dust, I've not had much of a chance to hoover lately and heaven forbid, don't run your fingers along the surfaces unless you are prepared to wash then after. Oh dear, has that pile of nappies fallen on top of you, I do apologise, not got round to putting them away yet. And sorry about the yoghurt on your expensive new coat, I did try to wipe it all up.

Have you met my daughter, the most beautiful, clever, funny, interesting, thoughtful child in the world? And of course you want to watch her eat her dinner because she is the first child to learn how to hold a banana in two hands and how to pick up a slippery section of orange.

It's love like I have never known. I can't imagine my life without her now, or remember how I filled my days. You have such a wondeful journey ahead of you, don't try to understand it now, but do come back in 10 weeks (or less, I had not even started ML when my waters broke at work at 33 wks preg!) and let us know how you are filling your days! That is, if you find time...

Minshu - is bf painful for you? Has your baby been checked for a tongue tie? That can slow down the feeding enormously, and having it separated can speed up feeding to "normal" time frames.

Congrats on your first baby on its way! all the feelings of a newbie is a life changing thing - and so special xxx

even with the love and support of family and DH alot still is on you after pushing a baby from your "womensoftbits" and then learning to adapt your life around this small baby who demand all of you all the time!
I hope you totally get the balance right and you dont regret making that statement!
Im on baby 3 but have 4 children in my home, i dont have any expectations of what will happen in 9 weeks time but whatever happens i can only face this small challenge - head on and running! physical, mental and financial its going to be a life changing moment from now on!

I thought that too! But when my first arrived it wasn't so much the hard work but the never endingness of the whole thing. Especially the breastfeeding, my first was only not crying when he was feeding or asleep! I felt so worn down by it all. In the morning I would wake up and think oh no it's all starting again, feed, change, feed change etc.! I just moved as well so I wasn't really prepared and I didn't have the same friends around which was hard.

If you are well settled somewhere and have friends and family around to support you I think it is much easier.

I could have written your post when I was pregnant - "whats all the fuss about, it can't be THAT hard" was my thinking. HA HA.

I found it emotionally draining, a combination of the following things were responsible for my difficulties:

• being in pain after the birth
• not sleeping a full nights sleep - if you are a light sleeper and find it difficult to get to sleep like me you can spend 30 mins getting to sleep, be woken 1 hour later when LO starts stirring, feed them for 30-60mins and then spend another 30 mins getting back to sleep.
• BF for 6-8 hours a day and getting a bad back
• feeling completely out of control and not knowing what this little person wants.
• seeing your house in a mess and not having the energy to clean it, not the nicest environment to be in
• being jealous of DH (who was a star) at being allowed to leave the house and "switch off" for 10 hours a day
• not having any friends who understood (apart from MN)
• seeing other people whose babies were sleeping and being wonderful and feeling like you are the only one going through it - its not true but it feels like it at the time!
• not having family nearby to help or give you an hour to yourself - I think if you have this it can be invaluable.

All in all I found the first 8 weeks to be hard work and didn't enjoy them much at all. After that, DS and I got into a bit more of a rhythm and I started to know what he wanted a bit more. Also at the beginning they don't give much back (except lovely cuddles) so when they start smiling and giggling it helps!

Now, 1 year on life is grand, its still bloody hard work at times but it is very very rewarding, and despite the utter pain of labour and the things I have written above, I want to do it again now! Either my memory is playign tricks on me or I am just crazy!

Good luck!

its the sleep deprivation and then your ability to then cope with a lack of sleep....day after day after day......thats the hardest bit for me

do you think the op is sitting in a corner hugging herself and rocking gently, while humming and gazing in the middle distance?

This thread is a really good contraceptive!

My ds used to cluster feed from 6pm to midnight for the first three months, I found that very hard, initially I tried to carry on a do normal evenings, involving a proper dinner etc, but gave up very fast, and we lived on sandwiches and pizza (things that can be eaten with one hand!)

Until he was able to sleep from 10pm to 5am, ds used to do a feed at 11pm which would finish at 1am, then he'd wake again at 2am, and feed until 4am, then he'd wake up at 5am and feed until 7am. Then he'd sleep until 10am (so contrary!) I was a zombie for three months, and although I could probably have got dressed before midday, I just couldn't be arsed. It was winter and it felt only fair that I should sit and stare trance like at This Morning instead!

DEFINITLEY the sleep deprivation.

I thought I was going to die. In fact I thougt I had died at one point because I was hallucinating that I was awake but was actually asleep.

Oh, and make sure your internet is working. My Vista had a sudden hissy fit about the modem, so I had to log on to e-mail through DH's computer, copy addresses if I wanted to write something... Ugh. I decided I didn't need to waste time telling people our baby had been born: they didn't care and I didn't, either! Ref my earlier post, I was also afraid they would start thinking they had to send presents and visit and other nightmare impositions.

Being organised really helps to give you more time and more sleep, so try hard to think what you could do more efficiently

It was the senseless sobbing that got me too... 3am sitting on the sofa holding a peacefully sleeping ds sobbing my heart out for ten minutes before realising I was actually crying, and not having a clue why i was crying... damn those hormones!

Aitch - not sure that the is for?
I don't know why I didn't get a sling... it was actually on your recommendation that I did eventually get one, all those months ago, on a day that DS just wouldn't stop crying!!

there were a lot of things I don't understand about the first 6m of DS's life. Bit of a haze.. that's all I was saying.

The first thing to get your head around is the change to the rythm of your life. At the moment you are working on a 24 hour cycle, into which you fit 8 hours sleep, 3 meals, a wash, some work etc. The instant your baby arrives you will shift to a 2 hour cycle, into which you will try and fit a 45 minute feed, a sleep (for baby), one or more nappy changes and a toilet visit (for you if lucky). This 2 hour cycle is repeated day and night without any consideration for your own needs and wants. The effect of this change is a bit like hitting a wall at speed.

Layer over this the crashing hormones, sleep deprivation, lack of personal space and privacy etc. etc. and it all comes as a complete shock. It does get better in the end though.

Good Luck.

LOL at all the answers - all true!!

What shocked me most as that nobody told me when they feed every 2 hours it is FROM THE START of a feed - so if your little one feeds for an hour + a time you have no time in between!!!!

Rest up as much as you can now - you won't regret it!!!

i suppose i put it there because yours was another in a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong line of posts that were likely to frighten a pregnant woman, tbh. it wasn't meant as personally as it must've looked.