Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

[kenobi]

9Donkeys and HPonEverything: Dads? It depends.

It depends on a) how hands-on your DH is prepared to be, b) how hands on you are prepared to let him be (some women get very possessive and give their DH the impression he can't do anything right) and c) whether you're intending to breastfeed.

If you're not, he could in theory help 50/50, if you are, he'll only (only!) be able to do some of the changing bathing and rocking to sleep.

I leant on my DH as an absolute rock during the first terrifying weeks, without him I think I would have developed PND. He was my hands while my body was recovering from the c-section, and the only constant in the wild hormonal soup that had taken over my mind. I owe him an enormous debt of gratitude, and his paternity leave was vital. But my bf found her DH's presence vaguely irritating - he intruded into the bubble she had created. She's fine now (thank god, for their marriage).

[DuelingFanjo]

I have had a check to see if I contributed to this thread at all before I had DS but I didn't. However I can say that I found having a baby a lot easier than I was led to bellieve. I thought the extra washing, mess etc would be a nightmare because everyone said my workload would be massively increased but it hasn't really.

The things I have found hard are being the main carer (am breastfeeding) and feeling like others don't contribute in the ways I want them to (though DH is generally great) and also those moments when you're tired and stressed and the baby just won't go to sleep. I also find socializing with other mums quite hard and worry I am not doing enough.

I think I will find it harder when I go back to work but being on maternity leave has been great.

[motherinferior]

I am afraid I found awful, the first time round. And I had a fully involved partner who also took the best part of a month off.

I got very, lonely and isolated. I worried that I wasn't blissful when I was supposed to be blissful. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with the baby. (And I found breastfeeding pretty straightforward.)

Also I hated what had happened to my body.

I should add that I had another baby two years later, and my children are now 10 and eight, and that they have got better and better I actually think everyone has one stage they find utterly grim, and for me it was the beginning!

[Blu]

My DP had 2 weeks paternity leave and then took a week's holiday - that helped so much.
A Dad who pitches in, takes care of shopping, household tasks, shares the babycare, and is sensitive to your needs - doesn't invite all and sundry round for late night drinks, for e.g, made the whole home-from-hospital time really special. We spent whole days when we said little excelt 'aaaah, look at him...'. It's important to enjoy that - better you and DP do that together and eat ready-meals rather than go into a perfection frenzy and want DP to keep the house like a new pin, IMO.

[Blu]

Well, I didn't find it hard.
Broken nights, yes, so I went to bed early and napped in the day when DS was asleep.
I was lucky, breastfeeding came easily enough to us, we had a week of colic, but on the whole, apart fom being a bit odd and disaffecting - I found it weird and shapeless being at hime with a small baby in contrast to my job - but it was all fine.

Go with the flow, spend time with other new mothers - NCT group was great - enjoy the time for what it is, don't try to live up to any other perceived notions of what life SHOULD be like.

It would have been much harder with a toddler to manage, or if feeding had been a struggle, or colic persistant. healing from birth a trauma, severe PND or an unsupportive partner or difficult living cnditions would also have made it much tougher.

The hard bit was juggling a baby, childcare, broken nights etc when going back to work

[HPonEverything]

Great thread, I've been having thoughts similar to the OP myself (but was too scared to ask!), with 12 weeks to go yet. It's easy to think "oh I'm super-organised and so is my DH, it'll be a doddle" but I'm sure it'll be anything but.

As 9Donkeys says, there's not much mention of dads. Everyone's circumstances are different aren't they - my DH is self-employed and is often home at lunchtime if he's planned too much time in for a job. I guess having that extra pair of hands around that a lot of people aren't lucky enough to have might make it a bit easier to find time to sleep etc? Or is that a bit naive too? Also I'm fortunate in that I'll probably have NO visitors - I used to lament my lack of local friends but reading this thread I'm kind of glad!

It's great how honest you've all been and helps me feel a bit more prepared. Thanks :)

[9DonkeysAndABoy]

Just saw this post: I was wondering what about dads? Does paternity leave help? Noone mentions that help. My hubby will have 1 month off, and I am hoping that will help with the worst bits.

[JimmyChoo17]

Haven't given birth to mine yet but in answer to "what exactly is so hard about having a baby?" ......from what I've heard this week from my deflating July mums....the correct answer is.....CROWNING! [faints at the thought] do I win a prize?

Despite being an old thread it's a good read. Haven't read it all so not sure of the OP came back after all that time? Maybe they found out the answer and haven't had time but would be great to hear from her.... ??

[differentnameforthis]

[differentnameforthis]

The reason if found it hard to nap when my babies did (and I usually have no problem sleeping) is in the time they were sleeping, I wanted to be me...to eat, to sort any household problems (there always seemed to be someone who needed calling) to pick up all those bits & pieces so then house didn't become a pigsty.

Then there was the fact that on a couple of hours sleep I would wake up feeling worse than I did before I went for an nap.

Or I'd shower & by the time I had done that, dried, dressed had a cuppa, she would be awake, demanding more food.

I guess they do generally eat & sleep...unless you a] get a screamer because of reflux etc or b] they wake the moment they are put down.

Don't get so smug until you have done it. It is easy looking in through someone else's windows 24/7 but as soon as the reality hits...

[Beccabop]

...Ive just stumbled across this thread and am due to have first baby soon, and have sometimes wondered if some peoples accounts of looking after a new baby are exaggerated
I'll be finding out very soon anyways

[lovesicecream]

Soh, can't understand what you said that was so wrong? Also if you ask the question how hard can it be, you should be expecting people's horror stories in response

[hightrees]

Just read this - can OP come back? You must have a big kid by now! Would love some insights.
And SOH - absolutely lovely posts. Really gorgeous. Although I imagine you've got over Giraffe's weirdness by now (a year later!).
BTW,had I read this pre-kid, I'd probably have thought the posters were being whiney. Best book to give idea of how a day might pan out is Gina Ford's. After I read that (not that I followed it particularly- not madly compatable with feeding on demand!) I had a good idea of how early baby life might be (sans the lurve - or mentalness - that comes with a new baby).

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

I've just read back over the thread and I think I (and a few others) was much harsher than SOH! But I was truthful so I won't apologize.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

I remember this thread from last year and how SOH's posts were very honest. I thought she was spot on. Having a baby is hard.

[mummysgoingmad]

anythingwithagiraffeonit i think you need to read showofhands post and apologise or hand your head in shame

showofhands what a lovely post, it made me think of the way my dp cried when he saw our ds, and when he cried when ds said dada for the first time, you are so right, i dont know how i ever managed without my gorgeous little boy, even though its been a constant struggle to keep him well, its all worth it..ignore the evil comment, some people on here like being nasty for the fun of it!!

[ooosabeauta]

Yes, I was wondering where OP might be. Perhaps she has her hands so full she can't get on the computer! I know it was like that for me, with my wonderful monkey baby.

[ooosabeauta]

ShowOfHands, I didn't see any of what anythingwithagiraffeonit mentions in your post. I found what I read moving and sensitive, and I'm really sorry that someone has made you feel bad about it. You came across beautifully, and I hope your week gets better

[MinnieMalone]

ShowofHands, your post was actually really nice. IGNORE the venom.

Where is OP now, I wonder? Would be interesting to hear how she is finding it all and whether motherhood is harder than she thought or not.

[cyteen]

anythingwithagiraffeonit, what a hateful thing to say. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. I also hope you stub your toe really hard this afternoon [petty]

[ShowOfHands]

anythingwithagiraffeonit, I've just come across this thread again purely by chance. Was searching for something else.

I don't know where you saw bullying or smugness but you've just succeeded in reducing me to tears after a horrific week.

As somebody who found motherhood overwhelming, I was actully trying to be supportive and reassuring. I didn't realise how I came across.

[anythingwithagiraffeonit]

ShowofHands - are you on here purely to bully and terrify people coming up to the end of thier pregnancy???

The bullying and self assured smugness of your post literally made me gasp...

The poor OP.

At least everyone else's posts, though completely truthful, were injected with a bit of friendliness, not just pure venom.

Good lord.

[whifflegarden]

OP, come and tell us how it's all going

Been meaning to come back and find out and I'm sure you've had your lovely baby by now.

[LibraryLil]

These replies made me laugh! But for some time I've been feeling as though I've been doing things wrong, or not working hard enough, because:

1. I have never seen OH off to work still wearing my nightie and dressing gown;
   
   
2. I feel as though I have more energy every day, not less
   
   
3. Instead of being knackered from chasing after my dd while she's 'running about', I've lost over a stone in weight from doing so and pushing her in the buggy, and feel physically better than I did before I was pregnant.
   
   That all being said, she sleeps with me so we usually have a good night's sleep (apart from wind/teething). She has always hated being put down and still does even now, at 18 months, and will STILL only go to sleep while I'm holding her.
   
   And some days I just can't do anything, and even brushing crumbs off the rug is a major achievement. The sense of satisfaction I get when I've done a pile of ironing is immense, until I realise that the wash basket is nearly full up again.
   
   And don't get me started on how long feeding takes - I prepare things that I know she likes, only for her to throw them on the floor so I end up eating them and then cleaning the floor while she goes back to breastfeeding, which she likes best, so I seem to spend all day with my boobs hanging out.
   
   And she insists on wanting to be able to see everything from my shoulder height, so I have muscles like Popeye and have learned to do the most amazing things with only one hand ...!
   
   And yes, I spend too much time watching her sleeping in my arms when I should gently transfer her to her cot and go and do something else.
   
   And I wouldn't change anything for the world - I'm just so happy to have her. She has indeed turned our lives upside down, but this time will pass really quickly, and I want to make the most of every second.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

It's obviously a very emotive subject with nearly 500 comments - I'm sure OP is mature and intelligent enough to filter out the 'patronising, sarcastic and even nasty' comments (god I hope mine didn't come into that category!! - if so I am very sorry - not intentional).

I agree with Laquitar - enjoy your baby! He or she won't stay little for ever so treasure those first weeks and months