Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

[roary]

Reading stuff like this when I was pregnant with my first made me hyperventilate and worry terribly about it. I suppose it's the reverse of the OP: I was so scared it was going to turn my life upside down I was pleasantly surprised at how I coped. But that's the thing: it is enormously hard, sleep deprivation is awful (I found it awful and had the double bonus of a good sleeper and no BF problems, but I do loooooove my sleep) but you get through it. The best advice I was given is to expect to feel completely deranged for the first few weeks and then if you still feel deranged after that get help, just to make sure all is fine! I remember a fog lifting after 4 weeks, and then feeling like a new person at 6, and feeling like my old self at a couple of months. But it's different for everyone, I know.

Point being: newbies, don't take fright and work yourselves into a state, just be realistic about the change!

[ChickandDuck]

The hardest thing is each time you wake up 'yourself' isn't the first thing on your mind.

But actually, after you adjust, the easiest stage is newborn, IME. As soon as they begin to move and will no longer sit peacefully in their baby bouncer is when your house will become a pig sty

[fairydust]

I must have been very lucky when dd was born then as life did carry on for normal with us she woke every 4 hrs for a feed so i got a good nights sleep and stayed on top of the house as normal. now i'm not saying this is the case for every new mother.

[AitchTwoToTangOh]

fo' sho', blog me up, baby.

[Habbibu]

[Meglet]

I mostly remember constantly expressing (ds wouldn't bf for 3 weeks), doped up on pain killers following em cs, looking at my bed and realising it was decorated with baby poo, baby sick and my post baby blood and didn't even change it straight away, running to the bathroom every hour thanks to the post cs constipation lactulose, wishing visitors would go away so I could have some peace, cold cups of tea... I could go on. I didn't enjoy a second of it.

DD was much easier, didn't even feel tired for 6 weeks and spent all the night feeds catching up on the sunday papers cover to cover. I just did nothing in the day and got loads of help to take DS out. Lots of domino pizza's too . Got hard at 3 months though!

[frakkinaround]

I think it's tough to find a balance between expecting it to be fine and being knocked for six (I earn a LOT of money that way from emergency bookings) and being realistic. It is hard....

But enjoy it!

[ShowOfHands]

I think the negative slant on the thread is because the OP was asking genuinely why we found it hard. Firstly, if you did find it hard that sounds like a criticism. And if you're going to have a difficult newborn, then going into it with a 'meh, they only feed and sleep' attitude is going to open a severe chasm between expectation and reality. It's at the bottom of that chasm that madness lies.

I actually wish I'd known how hard it might be before I had dd and then 2.6 years later I wouldn't be crippled with PTSD and unable to have more.

[shonaspurtle]

Well you know, I think one of the hardest things about motherhood can be feeling that you're alone, that your baby is the only one that didn't do this or that, or is doing that or this.

Which of course is one of the great things about mumsnet, the discovery through shared experience that you're not alone. Babies wanting to be held is normal. Babies sleeping fine in their moses baskets is normal. Babies waking up for a feed every four hours is normal. Babies waking up for a feed every hour is normal.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Loving your baby but wishing you could run away because you've made a terrible mistake is also normal.

[claireybepositive]

Yup, if the OP had said "terrified of baby turning my life upside down, how on earth do you find time for anything" (or something) then the responses would be very diferent

[ShowOfHands]

Do you know what I have found most difficult in all honesty?

I haven't switched off in 2 and a half years.

It reminds me of the feeling before a big event. Like an exam or a project ending, maybe an appraisal. You know you're prepared and ready, you know you probably know what you're doing, you're even enjoying it but you can't wait to breathe out, sit down and relax. You wake in the night with it whirring round, it's always there in the back of your head. That, for me, is being a mother. I cannot walk away or switch off or relax and yet I do walk away, switch off and relax iyswim.

I just popped to the loo. DD is 2.6, she's happy building a megablok city. She's fine. But in the 30 seconds it takes for me to wee, she could be in the kitchen licking knives or biting the cat or climbing the stairs, getting through the window and sky diving. She will do none of these things, of course she won't but every conceivable possibility and permutation is there playing out at the same time in my mind. It's like a superpower. A really crap one.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

Imagine the worst hang-over you ever had. Then imagine not being able to go to bed. Add to that having to repeat the same physical tasks over and over again.

Repeat for 6 weeks. That's why it's so hard.

Things I'd do differently next time:

Get a cleaner for the first 3 months

Consider co-sleeping if you're breastfeeding, even if just in the day time.

Have DH off for 3 weeks to help

No visitors for first 36 hours

No visitors who don't wash up after themselves

No visitors who haven't brought a meal.

Stock the freezer with batches of home cooked food so you reheat and eat quickly (this is good to do when you're nesting).

DH to do all nappy changes whilst you are breast feeding.

DH to change, wash and take the baby out for an hour each day he's around so you can have a shower and get dressed.

[ShowOfHands]

Yes clairey, if she'd asked the same of any situation like 'being a SAHM is easy isn't it?' or 'being a WOHM is easy isn't it?' then you'll attract those that didn't find it easy.

OP start a thread asking what's wonderful about newborns, you'll be swamped with responses.

[theyoungvisiter]

showofhands - completely agree.

Also even if you are one of the lucky ones that find it relatively easy, it's important to realise that it's not like that for a lot of other women. At least, it's important to realise if you want to stay on speaking terms with them.

There's nothing worse than finding something really hard and having your best mate stroll in and tell you it's hardly rocket science and really she found it fine.

Actually I was quite pleasantly surprised at the newborn stage because I knew my mum had found it hard and had seen a couple of friends struggle really badly to adjust. But I think those realistic expectations made me go in prepared and so I found it probably easier than I expected which was a bonus.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

YY to what Showofhands says about being able to switch off. You are on high alert all the time. That is mentally very draining.

[nikki1978]

I had my babies in bed with me which solved the sleep deprivation problem but that is a personal decision, the breastfeeding was not too hard except for the time it took, I enjoyed the first year quite a lot (with my firstborn) as she changed so much and couldn't move

The thing I found hardest with my first born was the realisation that my life was no longer my own and never would be. I still struggle with that now .

Second was much harder as I had a toddler to deal with too.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

I had my babies in bed with me but it did not solve the sleep deprivation issue.

(just to offer a balanced view to the op).

[hanaboo]

my life didn't change much, i had one of those rare kinds of baby.. an easy one! and yes, i slept when she slept and it wasn't that hard

i was fully dressed and shopping in town when my dd was 4 days old and she slept in the buggy the whole time i was there

i'm just saying, its not all doom and gloom, and when its your first you've got no other dc to think about its much easier, she kind of fitted into my routine

oh, i agree with chickandduck, easiest stage is definitely newborn.

good luck and congrats

[Vale]

Hello,

It is hard work because of the sleep deprivation, and breastfeeding in itself takes a lot of energies(You burn roughly 300 calories every time)!

It is difficult feeding every 2 hours.
If you decide to go out anywhere with your baby, you have got just the time to get ready and get to destination that is already time to feed the baby again.

Also making sure that you take all the things you might need nappies, clean set of clothes for the baby.

It is really worth the effort!

[BUMPITlicious]

I'm sorry but I hated the first few months, bfing hurt for weeks and week, I'm a bad sleeper so could never 'sleep when the baby sleeps' and if I did actually manage to get to sleep would wake up in a panic thinking I'd been holding DD and that I had dropped her or lost her in bed.

What with the after pains from labour and essentially being on a 6 week period, the sleep deprivation, labour flash backs and horrendous hormones, I didn't have a great time. That might make me a 'misery' but the OP did ask and that is the truth for me. One of the biggest issues for me is that I didn't expect it to be so hard, and thought I would do better and thought everyone else was doing better than me. So going into it with a completely negative feeling isn't great, but neither is going into it thinking it's all going to be fluffy and lovely. Throughout my whole pregnancy and first year my biggest problem (after sleep deprivation) was a complete mismatch of expectations over reality and incredibly high standards of myself that I didn't meet.

To the OP: Hope you have a lovely time. Just go with the flow.

[CoteDAzur]

Let's talk in 11 weeks. I look forward to it

[theyoungvisiter]

The other thing is that I think the poor OP is standing proxy for every time your child-free mates came to visit after having a baby, and you see them look at this haggard, sleep-deprived, stretch-marked, unironed, dishevelled person who used to be their friend, and your bomb-site house, and you see them think, "Christ, what happened? What does she do all day? It's only looking after a baby!"

Or when your partner comes home after a shitty day at work, and he's knackered, and he wants a cuddle and supper, but all you can do is hand him a screaming child and lock yourself in the toilet for the first solitary moment you've had in 23 hours. And you see him look at the house and your face, and you see him think, "What does she do all day? I'm working - and all she has to do is look after the baby. Is it really that hard?"

And you want to tell them. In exact, excruciating detail. But it would take all night and only confirm to them that you really did lose part of your brain when you gave birth to that baby. And there's no time anyway because the baby wants a feed, and your friends want a cup of tea, and your husband wants a cuddle. So you just shrug and say "You know, sometimes it's not that easy."

[theyoungvisiter]

"You burn roughly 300 calories every time!"

Sadly, though I wish that were true, it only takes 500-600 calories a day to breastfeed.

Boooooooooo. Although I consumed at least 300 calories in cake every time I gave a feed, which may explain why I still haven't lost all the baby weight

[MrsDmamee]

Newborns just wont take NO for an answer

NO you couldnt possibly be hungry again
NO it couldnt possibly take you 1 hour to feed
NO way do you need your nappy changed you just did a big messy poo
NO you have not just poo'd all the way up your back and now need to be stripped and washed and dressed all over again.
NO mummy needs to get dressed now none of the screaming cos i put you down

NO you are not suppose to projectile vomit your whole bottle over my lovely suede sofa
NO your belly couldnt possibly be empty now after you have thrown up
NO you couldnt need another bottle mummy is having breakfast now as it is 10am and ive been on my own with you since 5am feeding you and bringing other DS to school.
NO its not time to get up its only 3am stop smiling and go back to sleep