Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

[jadey24]

you have a bit of a point poster. The whole changing nappies, making and giving a bottle and bathing/dressing isnt so hard. But the constant changing nappies, the constant amount of bottles/breastfeeding like every 3 hours and the constant dressing coz once again bubba has puked all over themselves ( and you so another change for u which equals more washing to add to the pile of chores lol ) and bathing coz they have crapped all up thier back once again then peed over themselves after u have got them out the bath and just about to put nappy on but was too late trust me this was a daily issue lol or even worst peed and crapped all over you. ( yes poor hubby got splatted in the face with hmmm poop. dont ask it went projectile at just the right time
Then the teething starts so with the moaning and whinging ( depending on baby ) my baby was a grumpy so & so and moaned from 3 months old to about 14 months old almost everyday all day and then the tempers started at 6 months so they were a daily thing and that was very hard to listen to a baby constantly whinge and moan all day long as well as chuck a load of tempers and me walking around on egg shells waiting for the timebomb to go off agin and not being able to sit or eat for just 5 quiet mins. With baby sleeping and u taking a nap its actually harder then u think. After i had bubs i was on some kinda natural high for like 3 months. I just couldnt sleep and i was sick with worry something would happen to bubs so couldnt sleep well and when i was asleep i wasnt in a deep one so still woke up tired esp after waking up in the night with bubba either coz she needed a bottle or coz i was worried and wanted to check on her.
Then after 3 months the natural high was replaced with sheer mentle and physically exhaustion and lost all motivation coz it all just caught up with me and hit me like a slege hammer. Then the pnd began as well as bubs being so difficult with the moaning that i couldnt take her out as she would scream everywhere down ( she just was frustrated we have put it down to )
Just leaving the house took ages to get me ready, her ready, her bag ready, my bag ready and dealing with baby brain on top its hard as memory just goes. Then there was the endless housework and other chores that needed doing.

Now dd is 16 months and now i can say for me its easy as she dont need as constant nappy changes, bottle feeds ( and she can feed herself now anyway as before i would have to eat my dinner well feeding her and my dinner would go cold ) she can walk and talk so longer frustrated and no longer moans and is a happy child that will allow me to do the housework or have a 5 min cup of tea
Deffo is hard and some women have it much harder then me what with colic/reflux and other medical conditions or baby not sleeping through the night even after a year old so mentle exhaustion well u could imagine and the constant worry about ur child makes u tired anyway and belive me when u have a child you worry constantly.

It does get easier but it brings new challenges lol

[PippiHasALifeOfRiley]

StarExpat it is not a case I feel like I 'have a life of riley' only since recently . I had more grim and gloomy names in my early MN days with newborn in tow.

It took a loooong time for DH to fully understand, and that's started to happen when he was left to fetch for himself and baby/child, and for me to stop resenting him and his freedom of movement and thought.

[mrsbean78]

The poster wasn't saying she thought it was easy, merely that she didn't understand as an outsider how it could possibly be as hard as people make it out to be.

And to be fair, this is a pretty negative thread..

Yes, it's tedious and exhausting blah blah but it's life! I wonder if our mothers were so bloody navel-gazing about it all.

I personally don't care if it is the WORST thing in the world, I think this attitude of 'ooh, you're in for a rude awakening!' is just ridiculous. It's a baby! Yes, having a baby will change everything - why wouldn't it? Does it have to be described in apocalyptic terms?

[PincoPallino]

It does indeed. Our mothers might not have discussed this in details, mine certainly didn't, because they might not have had anybody to or it was something you didn't talk about. Since when not talking about things is a good attitude anyway?!

[PincoPallino]

I might agree that these days 'we' might talk about far too many things but back in the days you did not talk about sex, feelings, relationships, depression and other mental illnesses, disabilities etc with what results?!

[mrsbean78]

That's one way of looking at it.. but another is that endlessly talking about the negative side of things can alter your perception of your experience. My mother genuinely cannot say one bad thing about her experience as a new mum. She remembers it in an extremely positive way. I sincerely doubt that either I nor my sister were 'angel' babies - but my mother expected her life would revolve around her newborn and didn't feel hard done by when it was hard work and her old life changed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be as sorry for myself as any other modern mother who's had years of 'me time' and choice.. but I resent the extent to which people ram this 'oh it's going to be awful' and 'you fool' and 'you'll learn' down your throat. I don't really mind new mums together bemoaning their experience, but when an expectant parent is constantly and continually faced with horror stories and smug comments about their lives 'ending', then it detracts from the whole experience and hope and joyfulness of pregnancy.

Incidentally, my mother is a woman who is now a high-flying corporate lady and she is well able to discuss feelings, relationships etc. It's a truism to suggest that because, in the past, people just got on with it that they were out of touch with their feelings.

[PincoPallino]

Yes but as you said 'my mother expected her life would revolve around her newborn'. That is the point: if you expect something you will not be surprised by it. The point is that now we do not expect it. My mother, very much like yours, was surprised about how hard myself and my fellow mums found mitherhood as she remembered it and viewed it exactly like your mum did. and my MIL.
But both admits that previous to getting married and having children they hardle had time to live their life and viewed their life as almost solely as wife and a mother. Your mother, like mine, was somehow told/prepared by society that her life was going to revolve around the children. The 'problem' now is that we are not.I in the other hand I never viewed my life that way, so when it became that it was a bit of a earthquake. We are told that our life revolve around us, hence the shock when with the birth of our child we discover that from that moment on it is not the case anymore.
The shock is not because we moan about it so much but more that we moan about it so much because we are shocked by it. It is a reflection of society rather than the other way round imho.

[PincoPallino]

sorry for typos but in a rush to go to bed.

oh and my mum has since divorced and had to learn the hard way that although your life does revolve around the children it might not have been such a good idea to revolve it solely around a husband.

[headingnorth]

I've not read all the posts but I'm a single mum and I didn't let having a baby turn my life upside down. I was probably lucky - dd didn't have colic and slept relatively well (but only started sleeping completely through 7pm - 8am at 1 year, she is now 14mths). Yes, I struggled a bit with a lack of sleep and breast feeding initially but i made sure I was always dressed and had had breakfast by 9am, washing went on during baby's first morning nap, I got lunch and a bit of sleep when she had her lunchtime nap and I made a point of going out for a walk everyday when she had her afternoon nap. Had a shower/bath and food when she went to bed in the evening. I've never understood this idea that the house becomes a mess, you live in your PJs and there's mountains of washing to do (and I used washable nappies). I breastfed for the first 5 months and once you've got it sorted and don't mind doing it in public it's no different to taking a bottle out with you. Dare I say it - You just need to be a little organised and have a positive attitude.

Don't get me wrong - every birth and baby is different and I feel for those who really struggle with no sleep, difficult feeders, PND etc but I have lots of sisters and friends who have had babies and haven't had their world upside down but I suppose that's not always the case.

[chubbychipmonk]

. . . Me too . . What have I done . . .

3 weeks to go!!! Can I have a refund!!!!!!!

[Stannie]

theyoungvisitor asked me this ages ago (not been online all weekend -sorry)

"Stannie - if you have no help, how do you manage to ride the horses?

Just curious! I presume there's no such thing as a horse drawn pushchair - or is there? Please tell me"

Sleeping baby in his pram with rain cover on to keep out any dust/draughts parked in barn behind gate out of the weather & safe - I ride the horses in the arena and can see/hear him from there.. It helps that our horses are at home so house is 20 steps away from the yard and it makes it all quite easy.

I can't ride the horses out when my OH is not here as he babysits then - he works in London a fair bit though (we live in Ireland)so I take advantage of the times when he is working from home and disappear with the horses for a couple of hours at a time!

[wishingchair]

I've had 2 babies now and in my experience: the sleep deprivation is a nightmare, you cry tears of frustration when you can't stop them crying or they can't latch on, but it is such an amazing time. I remember that first winter when DD1 was born being spent cosied up on the sofa (always dressed though ... getting dressed takes 2 mins and makes you feel so much better), watching crap tv, feeding and snoozing with her. The trouble is, if you do sleep when they sleep, then you truly have no time for anything. You suddenly find you only have very short windows of opportunity to do things. You can't reschedule things like you do normally and this is the thing that hits you hardest in my opinion. You can't go: "right, I'll wash and dry my hair now, go to the supermarket and THEN put my feet up for a bit", because you have maybe a 45 minute window before the baby wakes up again and needs feeding. So your choice is: do hair, have rest (supermarket is right out ... by the time you get there, baby will need feeding again). Everything has to be planned with military precision. Your freedom of movement gets incredibly restricted. That is hard.

[mrsbaldwin]

I really hope you have turned off your computer, OP, or at least managed to filter out the patronising, undermine-y crap and focus on some of the nice stuff.

But if you haven't ... there are twenty pages of other people's stories here, 'other people' being the important phrase. None of the stories is yours!!

[PincoPallino]

MrsBaldwin the OP asked what was hard about having a baby. I assume that is she'd asked what is nice about having a baby there would have been as many posts, possibly for the same posters that wrote in this one, with tales and tales of love and joy and PFB comments.

It is patronising of you to dismiss all 465 posts just because they do not agree with your experience or vision.

[mrsbaldwin]

I don't dismiss all 465. Just the horrible stuff which either says directly or implies 'aha just you wait to be brought low'.

[jadey24]

Yeh she did ask what was hard about having a baby and got that. If she wants to know whats nice about having a baby i would be happy to tell her that it was the best experience of my life. Everyday is exciting and u never know what to expect. When they get to being a toddler there own personality shows threw and they truly are very funny little people. I have laughed more in these 16 months with my child then in my whole lifetime. Having a baby is and can be hard but its how you make it. It depends on ur child and it depends on how well you deal with changes and what ur expectations are. Its best not to have any expectations imp and to take each day as it comes. Deal with the bad days and look forward to the next. Make the most of the good days and treasure every wonderful second that you have with ur child.
My child as a baby was a nightmare i will be honest but that was her. Some people have very easy going placid babies and have a wonderful first year but even if its hard there is always light at the end of the tunnel. It certainly was for me and now i love being a mother and i feel so happy and greatful to be her mother whatever challenges i face i will deal with it because having a child will always give u hard times but you will get plenty of good times too and i certainly look forward to having my next child when they get planned in couple years so if it was all that bed i would be put off completly but am prepared to go though it again because it is worth every second to get where we are and i wouldnt have it any otherway not to have her here no way on earth. She is the missing peice of me, without her i was nothing and had nothing to live for but now i have a purpose to be here and is very happy

[cakewench]

I've just typed up a huge story, but erased it. I'll tell you what worked for me. I went into motherhood expecting it to be the most difficult thing I'd ever done. I'd been an only child, I was used to upping sticks and traveling whenever I felt like it, or spending all weekend doing nothing (or everything) with or without self-absorbed (yet fabulous) friends.

I had the baby. It was tough. But, it was (is) amazing. It's something like running a marathon, or climbing a mountain (if you're into that sort of thing.) It's damn hard work, but thoroughly enjoyable. Especially when they start to smile properly.

Everything else has been said here. Has the OP even responded? I've read several pages, but have other things I need to get done IRL. Am I just being overly skeptical to think this is a new user whose come to wind everyone up?

[Naivenewbie]

Yes cakewench I did respond. See page 14. I can't respond to each post personally, 469 messages is a lot to get through! I was not trying to wind anyone up. I don't think I did anyway - nobody seemed wound up, just keen to share their story, which I very much appreciated.

[cakewench]

oh hi there NN! Sorry, shall tuck my skepticism away for now. :D I've just seen a few threads where it really does seem to be the case.

I've read your previous post now, and you're right, it'll be fine. Take help when it's offered. etc. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and come back and tell us about the new baby when he/she's arrived.

[Laquitar]

I don't think the OP was trying to wind us up. She asked a question that many of us have asked when we were about to have our first baby.

And yes, i agree with mrsbaldwin. Some of the posts are patronising, sarcastic, and even nasty.
People experience things differently. Even the sleep issue is not the same for everybody. I always slept max 4 hours for example. I found pregnancy harder than having a newborn, others feel and look fab during pregnancy.Should i have a go at them?

yangymac, good post.

OP enjoy your baby

[BeckyBendyLegs]

It's obviously a very emotive subject with nearly 500 comments - I'm sure OP is mature and intelligent enough to filter out the 'patronising, sarcastic and even nasty' comments (god I hope mine didn't come into that category!! - if so I am very sorry - not intentional).

I agree with Laquitar - enjoy your baby! He or she won't stay little for ever so treasure those first weeks and months

[LibraryLil]

These replies made me laugh! But for some time I've been feeling as though I've been doing things wrong, or not working hard enough, because:

1. I have never seen OH off to work still wearing my nightie and dressing gown;
   
   
2. I feel as though I have more energy every day, not less
   
   
3. Instead of being knackered from chasing after my dd while she's 'running about', I've lost over a stone in weight from doing so and pushing her in the buggy, and feel physically better than I did before I was pregnant.
   
   That all being said, she sleeps with me so we usually have a good night's sleep (apart from wind/teething). She has always hated being put down and still does even now, at 18 months, and will STILL only go to sleep while I'm holding her.
   
   And some days I just can't do anything, and even brushing crumbs off the rug is a major achievement. The sense of satisfaction I get when I've done a pile of ironing is immense, until I realise that the wash basket is nearly full up again.
   
   And don't get me started on how long feeding takes - I prepare things that I know she likes, only for her to throw them on the floor so I end up eating them and then cleaning the floor while she goes back to breastfeeding, which she likes best, so I seem to spend all day with my boobs hanging out.
   
   And she insists on wanting to be able to see everything from my shoulder height, so I have muscles like Popeye and have learned to do the most amazing things with only one hand ...!
   
   And yes, I spend too much time watching her sleeping in my arms when I should gently transfer her to her cot and go and do something else.
   
   And I wouldn't change anything for the world - I'm just so happy to have her. She has indeed turned our lives upside down, but this time will pass really quickly, and I want to make the most of every second.

[whifflegarden]

OP, come and tell us how it's all going

Been meaning to come back and find out and I'm sure you've had your lovely baby by now.

[anythingwithagiraffeonit]

ShowofHands - are you on here purely to bully and terrify people coming up to the end of thier pregnancy???

The bullying and self assured smugness of your post literally made me gasp...

The poor OP.

At least everyone else's posts, though completely truthful, were injected with a bit of friendliness, not just pure venom.

Good lord.