Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

OP, try this book.
It explains really well what you are actually doing when it looks like you aren't doing anything - you are learning all about your new baby which actually takes a lot of concentration. For instance, you are getting used to what is a healthy breathing pattern compared to breathing that means s/he is sick. Lots of parents have stories about hours spent listening to their baby breathe because they were worried there was something wrong!
I am on my third and I actually have a fair bit of free time, and particularly head space, because I am very quick at everything and I don't have to learn an awful lot of new stuff. However the first time round you have to give an awful lot of thought to things and your baby needs a lot of attention.

It seems such hard work at the time and then they become mobile! And then, when they're a bit older (2.2) they work out how to open the kitchen drawer containing all the sharp knives (this morning's episode). It's just bliss from dawn 'til, well, dawn really.

I remember being told that a friend was spending all her time sat on the sofa with her newborn because she wouldn't sleep without being held.

"Ooh" says childless shonaspurtle "she doesn't want to let her get into that habit" I may even have used the phrase "rod for her own back" (I really, really hope not)

Well someone up there was listening, because just over a year later...

Oh, I love my son now, but the first 6 months were awful. I was convinced I had made an awful mistake. That is why we are having a nearly 4 year age gap.
Newvborns are a nightmare. I dread June!

The love you have for your child is indescribable. It's suffocating. It's overwhelming and huge and tangible and you'll choke back sobs at the idea of this monstrous world every bringing tears to their eyes. It is the most perfect and brilliant and life-affirming thing having children. This is all true and I think those early days being as hard as they sometimes are is a clever trick to make you see how hard you will fight for this tiny mite that has crashed into your life.

As I am now realising from this thread I had a really easy baby but I still found it hard going. My top tip (which everyone else thinks is nuts but saved my sanity) was to take a flask of tea up with me at the 10pm feed and leave it there. Then, after the 2am feed, I would have a lovely hot cup of tea and then go back to bed. Made it less lonely somehow. And it can be lonely.

But having a baby is wonderful and it's all worth it.

Great post SOH. I absolutely agree.

somehow xposted while many were posting!

i guess these posts will give you a fair indication though.

and the main theme is SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

in my case dd1 took 6 months to sleep a 5-6hr stretch in the night. i was a completely different person by then. it took me a further 3 or so months to finally be get back to reasonable sleep patterns.

I found the loss of my identity huge emotionally, I was now responsible fully for someone else and couldn't just do what I liked whenever I wanted to. Even going to the supermarket took military planning. Took me a long time to get to grips with it and I found that very hard.

And yes, sleep deprivation. Horrible.

I agree with Kathyis12feethigh - have a look at the 'What Mothers Do, especially when it looks like nothing' book.

It is fascinating. And true.

All your attention, all your being is focused on this little person and you will get to know everything about them. Sou you'll be the one saying 'she's got a tummyache', or ''she's tired', or 'she likes that' and you'll know, because you will have devoted hours and hours and hours of fuzzy-headed, sleep-deprived time to cuddling and watching and learning. Not getting up and hoovering (praise be!).

The sleep deprivation is the worst but I did mostly sleep when the baby did with my first and it helps.

No reason why you wouldn't be able to do the rest of the things on your list. But you will probably have to be flexible about when you do them as babies tend to interrupt any decent block of time that you have to get stuck into something.

And don't forget in the early days you may feel you need time to recover from the birth.

and yes do love them to bits and they really enrich our lives... but... IT IS HARD WORK. my girls are 4 and 2, and i'm expecting that i may have a sense of 'it's all worth it' by the time they're safely grown up into stable healthy happy individuals.

And SoH's post has made me cry.

'It's your heart walking around outside your body'.

I've never known love or vulnerability like it. It's terrifying and wonderful. And emotional.

Especially when you haven;t had a full night's sleep in 3 and a half years (mother of two sleep avoiding DCs, 3.8 and 8 months old).

You guys are so funny & its all true!! I had no idea so many other ppl had to hold their babies to sleep all the time for the 1st few months, my dh repeatedly said im the only mother in the world ever to hold their baby every single moment of the day & night & that all babies sleep in their cots... well now, seems like i was right & he was wrong p.s good luck o.p and do try to enjoy it too

My DD1 was a doddle looking back - certainly easier than the next 2!

However DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE sleep deprivation. Getting up in the night to wee when pregnant does not compare to being woken every 2-3 hours for at least 30-40 minutes for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Add into the mix hormones, recovering from the birth (they don't call it labour for nothing) and the fact that newborns generally like to be held constantly (after all they have been 'held' for the last 9 months in perpetual motion) and you can see why newborns are hard work.

Oh and you won't eat a hot meal for weeks as babies wake and yell to be fed as soon as you sit down to eat; they smell it and want some too. You get very good at eating cold food with a fork, or toast - a lot.

Personal and home hygiene - it's that toss up between using the 2 hours you might get between feeds to shower, dress, apply make up, wash clothes, run a hoover round, wash some clothes, clean the bathroom etc and sleeping. Unless you have a very obliging partner or mum to help you WILL find yourself doing everything, after all you've only had a baby, no need to let everything go to pot eh?

I found the most difficult thing was breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great thing to do (I did it for a little over 12 months and loved it after the pain subsided). But, after over 3 months of cracked nipples, thrush in my breasts, bleeding nipples, mastitis (x4 rounds) painful latching... just dreading the next feed but desperately wanting to keep up breastfeeding because it was best for DS and I was determined to do it for at least a year...

well for those first few months, I always looked on with to those who formula fed (even though I wanted to bf) because I knew that they were still lacking sleep...etc. but not enduring the pain at every single feed (many many times per day and night, sometimes in clusters!!) and in between dealing with caring for tender nipples and unable to let the shower even touch them.

That was the biggie for me. I felt if I weren't breastfeeding, my body wouldn't be so exhausted after every feed (because producing milk and draining it whether by expressing or by the baby does tire the body), I would have had more time to myself because DH could feed him on ocassion and getting dressed, showering, drying off with such pain, was difficult to do with a baby who wants to be held or fed most of the time.

After that was over, though and bf was totally established and comfortable, I still felt over tired. But was SO HAPPY that I stuck with breastfeeding because it was very, very worth every second! You try to sleep when the baby sleeps, but you can't always because there are other things to do. But everyone tells you to sleep anyway. I have a very clean home and couldn't resist cleaning, even though I was exhausted.

And it's just little things that you do now and take for granted that you can do anytime you want.

They do eat and sleep a lot at first. But, as I said, if bf, that's full on for you and it's a lot of the time. They feed a lot. Some babies sleep more than others. Some babies want to be held while they sleep. A sling is a good investment.

Oh, please please please come back when you've had your baby!

Yeah, they just sleep and eat but neither just happen you know, you need to work quite hard to achieve both of those states. And they also cry quite a lot....

I found the newborn stage really hard but I'm getting quite nostalgic for the "stuck to the sofa, feeding, eating chocolate biscuits and watching daytime TV" days.

I never got the "sleep when he does thing". If I tried that, by the time I dropped off DS would be awake again and then I'd feel worse for the 10mins snatched sleep.

Top tip for being a new mum - the second your baby drops off go to the loo, make a cup of tea and eat something. If you manage to do all that before they wake up, then do any chores that need doing or put your feet up.

This thread has made me broody

interesting thread!

i thought the same too and i agree with some of these posters , those 3 hours between feeds is actually only around 1.5 hours and you have to do other stuff like get to the shops to get food, steralise bottles, showered etc. BUT

i have to say having a baby was not as hard as people make out...yes the first few weeks are overwhelming...but after that its not too bad...

I just reread my post.
I am very pro breastfeeding! This post makes it sound like I'm not. I totally loved it after things settled down and it was a fantastic bonding experience for DS and I. It became the most wonderful time in the world when I would feed him

I just read your post and recalled those first few months. I should have kept my mouth shut! OTOH I do wish someone had told me how difficult it was going to be so I could have prepared myself. But not sure if it's helpful to others... rambling now.

Well, if you're thinking of bf, don't let my first post put you off. It's a fantastic experience, best thing for your baby and lovely and warm feeling between you and baby sorry

I felt the same way as you Thighs.

I'd got the Gina Ford book and tried to work out when I was going to do ANYTHING for myself! Then when my ds actually arrived he didn't do the routines and so I was very lost. Having been in charge of every aspect of my life until then.

I had moved into a new house the day before I went into labour, he was early too so didn't get the planned 2 weeks of rest, so I felt like I'd been put into a witness protection scheme!!

New house, suddenly a mummy, no work to go to, and it took me 3 weeks to work out how I was ever going to go out!

OP none of this may apply to you but if you do feel a bit down and lost when the baby arrives, read this post again and you'll realise that it's quite normal and that it does pass.

I found the support of my NCT friends invaluable as they were the only ones who wanted to talk endlessly about green poo (is that normal) to sleeping patterns, etc.!!

agree with bramshott, it all depends on your personality and your baby's.

neither of mine have turned my life upside down, it was great (apart from the bfing thing which was tricky) and a huuuge treat.

but then i had easy-going babies and an amby hammock (cannot recommend too highly) and MOST IMPORTANTLY, i had Very Low Standards to start off with.

Well, if you bf, they need feeding every few hours, bottle fed possibly a little more.

They need changing a lot as the poo has a habit of leaking, usually just as you want to leave the house.

Leaving the house can take a while, for above reasons, just as you change baby wants more milk.

Often babies like to sleep in the day and wake at night. Now some people are able to go to sleep in the day as if it is night-time, i personally cannot easily do that.

Just as you establish a sleep/eat/change routine, it changes and you have to change your own sleep/eat/change routine to fit.

You will find it hard to drink a hot drink again.

You might, might be lucky and have a baby who is chilled and sleeps well quickly, eats well quickly, does not do runny poos, is happy and content all the time, suffers from no colic etc.

And then, any time from 3 months onwards they can show signs of teething, even though they might not get a tooth til 6 months plus, then, you have nappy rash, sleepless nights with a crying/screaming baby and don't know why as they are too young to teeth, but clearly something is wrong.

It is not really that bad! It is great, but it is constant for most people, changing, feeding, washing, sleeping, housework, visiting people, people visiting, changing your social life, drinking less alcohol, and it is hard.

But, the most rewarding experience in the world. I personally found the first few weeks/couple of months blissful and chilled, and the difficulty sort of crept up in intensity as DD needed more attention from me.

But, hopefully you will be like a friend of mine who has had the easiest, most chilled baby in the world and is only just finding it difficult now baby is over a year old and walking!

I do agree though, that people constantly saying "you won't know whether you're coming or going; you'll be in your pajamas and covered in sick; your house will be a tip" isn't helpful. It is undoubtedly true that your first baby will turn your life upside down, but not always predictable how they will do that. With DD1 I was very lucky in that she slept A LOT so I could get things done, but it was the emotional intensity of it all which got to me: "has she fed enough? should I wake her up? does she need these vitamin drops? is she wearing too many clothes? or too few? why is she crying?" etc etc