am pregant again after a termination for downs

[busierbee]

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

Busierbee - so very sorry to read your story it is so unfair that you are going through this again. I have never had to make such an agonising decision but have lost 4 babies (all first trimester) so know how heartbreaking it is to have those dreams snatched from you. I was beginning to lose hope of ever having a sibling for ds (almost 5)but amazingly am now 17 weeks pg. Still, I don't think I will relax until I this lo is born. If you do decide to try again (and I know that will be a huge dilemma for you both) I wish you lots of luck. I'm glad you're getting great support

Hello Ladylush and thank you - congratulations on your pregnancy - it sounds well deserved - hurray!
Hedkandi - I do not know if dare ask, did a baby come through, are you trying, are you pregnant?
Can feel the past sadness and it does comfort me to know that people do come out the otherside, even if somewhat bruised. If you feel like sharing your tale please do. It is a comfort to comfort others.
SAMR71 - thinking of you.
Lins - Is grey day today - I bet you are tired after yesterday's thoughts and actions. Will pop around to see you at yours later. Shall we move in together?!
BB

BB - Just wanted to say hi and glad that you are feeling a little more peaceful - its almost 8mths since we said good by to our son and its only now that I feel that I'm starting to see colour in my life again. When I'm really down about it all I try and think about how his all but very short existance has changed me (apart from crying more than I ever have) and I hope that its made see the beauty of the world around me in the here and now (don't if that makes sense at all). One of the really poweful things about this thread is that by sharing your story you've helped others like myself know that we are not alone and these things can be discussed. My love and best wishes to you.

Lovely post pelvicflawed. That will help Busier I know.

Pelvicflawed - you are another bead on our thread of sadness and it touches me to think that in sharing your sorrow here with us - it brings some .. comfort or reassurance or something. It is not long at all is it since you said goodbye to him?
I am so glad this thread has regained its gentle supportive mood - and not just for me. Indeed I do not want it to be just for me - feels too egotistical - would much rather it were a refuge for mummies who sometimes need to release the sadness. And the joy.
Thank you for staying.
BB xx

How is the day going Busier? Have CAT you - hope it arrives x

Hello lovely Tree
Golly what is CAT and how would i know if i had been?
I am worn out. Think yesterday was a tiring day - and am just worn right down.
Also making decisions about anything is impossible.
But still on mn - and taking great support from you all being there
xx

Contact a member - I email you and mumsnet pass it on to you with my email address on. So you can decide if you want to answer or not - the envelope on the corner of each post is how it's done. Costs £5 to administer it.

Take it slow and easy. Is your partner working - has he the long weekend off?

Hi Busier - Thanks for asking about DS. He was quite ill and recently spent a week at Children's Hospital, but seems to improving.

DD (aged 2.8) asked this afternoon why were there no rainbows at night and it made me wonder -- maybe there are and you just can't see them? But I love child logic.

We're going to the allotment tomorrow. Shall we plant something for you?

Tree - have not had an email from mn but very much look forward to getting one! You are a sweetie - am going away for a couple of days, to Norfolk then to parents and possibly abroad with daughter for few days to try and get some revision done. Am feeling very anxious about not having you guardian angels around. So if I don't reply is because have not got it yet.
Ilovemydogs - glad your wee one back from hospital visit - and what a sweetie with the rainbow thing. Yes do plant me something - I fancy a crop of raspberries.
Have a lovely weekend with your smalls.
You are a sweetie with your distraction and presence.
And goodnight to Linspins - and thank you for the real words. Real life can be managed.
kisses and hugs
BB

Busier - Hillary Clinton wrote a book, 'It Takes a Village' which is in reference to how many people it takes to raise a child. Essentially, it's the wider community that helps raise a child.

But also think that the principal applies to grief; it isn't just one person who can alleviate your sense of loss. It takes a community and perhaps a range of communities; people in real life, friends, family, people here on mumsnet...

Also, for every person who does post, there are so many who are following your story who sympathize, but who are so scared of offending/saying the wrong thing, that they would rather not risk it. So, you have more support than you realize.

Have a good break, and Happy Easter.

Will try and plant something for you this weekend...

Busier, thank you too for the call, it's funny to find out that you do exist! (why is that odd? I don't know!) I'm finding that sharing and being there for other mummies an important part of making Daisy 'count' - that she gave me something. It helps me too to be part of something bigger. Text me whenever, just to say "i'm fine/I'm so NOT fine!" Or call if you just need to.

Ilovemydog, have a good time on the allotment tomorrow, lets hope it doesn't pour down all day.

Pelvicflawed - I am so sorry to hear about you son, 8 months ago is still so recent. I know exactly what you mean about how loss changes you. I know that I don't care quite as much about material things anymore - they are only things and it's people who really matter. Also I am more understanding, because you never know what might be going on in a person's life. So, if a colleague is offhand or grumpy with me, I just think, 'well, they could be having the most awful time, this might be an off-day for them' and try to let it go. I try to be a better listener, because I know how much it helps. I also have boxes of tissues in every room, because I never quite know what might set me off crying! I bulk buy those nice ultra-balm ones. I am glad colour is creeping back in to your life, and there is so much beauty in the world to be seen, isn't there.

Dd made me laugh today, she wanted to look at my newly painted toenails "mummy, can I see you nosetails?" She keeps me going.

Hello (and goodnight now) to Tree, Hedkandi, Justabout, Babyblue and all other lovely MN ladies.
Lins xx

hello all,

bb, my story is different to yours but still left me with the most awful empty and hollow feelings i have ever felt,

i know a little of what you are going though,

our first pg ended in a missed mc,

the depth of despair i felt was something i have never experienced before,

to this day when i read the letter i wrote for my beautiful first baby i cry,

the emotions were just so raw and i was so desperate to be a mum,

sadly our second pregnancy ended in the same way, more months of heartache,

by number 3 (my long lost and ever loved tiny baby boy, god how i still miss him) we thought we had cracked it, we had early scans and watched him grow and his heart get stronger,

our dreams had come true, we had made it, ds was all we ever wanted,

a few weeks later at a routine scan my world stopped, he had stopped growing, his heart had stopped beating, he was no longer...

i never thought i would ever recover, i wished i was dead on many occasions, i cried when i woke as i woke without him,

we planned his cremation and like lins says every detail needed to be accounted for,

the day came and i managed to get though it,

there were no ashes, nothing,

nothing was left of my boy,

not even a millionth of a pinch,

nothing.

i still miss him,

i am delighted to type that after 3 losses dd arrived safe and sound last year,

i love her,

i still miss him,

i have the difficult task of telling her one day that she had a big brother,

i do not look forward to that day,

love to all here x

Oh, hedkandi, that's such a sad story, what a lot you've been through. So much longing, so much loss and empty arms for too long. I know that dd does not replace your little angels but I bet she brings you huge amounts of joy.
There is still a bit let of your ds,- in your heart. And a little in my heart too now I know of him. When I think of my two angel girls, I spend a moment thinking too of all the other babies whose stories I know. Some babies I know by name, their mums, and the detail of their little lives, other babies I just send warm thoughts to.
I do hope that along the way you've found support to help you pick up some of the pieces. There's a lot out there, ARC, Sands, counselling - and all of us on here.
I have always told my Dd about her big sister, and now about Daisy. She's too young to be upset by it and they are just a part of her life. I could write more about this but I'm not sure this is the place at the moment.
Love to you, and special thoughts for your ds.

Busier, if you read this before you set off, keep being gentle with yourself, its still such early days. Breathe in the fresh air, get lots of cuddles and I hope the boys have fun. xxxxx

My marvellous mumsnet mummies
Ladies all of you, Hedkandi your pain and sorrow are so real. Such sadness - and thank god for your little precious gift. You have got through something no one should have to.So hard to carry on when one is so fragile and vulnerable and alone - the desperation at times unbearable.
But you are still here - thank goodness for that and am glad you are.
Pelvicflawed and Tree and Justabout and MydogsandObama and Lins - I know what you mean about the oddness of us being real having now talked!- am off to Norfolk - having spent all morning in tears on and off.
Poor man of mine - does not know what to do with me and nor do I.
Need to see the sea.
Will miss you and am back maybe not til Thursday if am brave enough to take teen to Majorca to revise for few days as promised.
Golly I will miss your support - maybe will find an internet cafe.
Take care of your lovely selves and babies and loved ones
gentle hugs
BBxx

Hi busierbee, I would just like to say thank you on the behalf of future mn'ers for sharing your story. I had a termination for downs eight years ago in between three miscarriages. I wish I had the support of a thread like yours at the time as I did not feel I could share with others due to the fear of being judged unfavourably.
I hope that your story ends as happy as ours did as we now have a ds who is the light of our life. He is definitely worth all the pain that we went through to get him.

Well Yaya and whoever else may be reading at Easter time - and I notice things are much quieter which is how things should be at holiday time - But particularly you Yaya - thank you for sharing your story - and so sad to think that you may have had not support through what is undeniably a traumatic time. I did not have it with the first baby and did not know what I needed or did not need. The only thing that got me through it was knowing that i would try again and would get pregnant. And then I did.
And then see what happened? I am so pleased to hear that your story ended happily. What i realised today is that much of my sorrow is that I feel almost as if have never mothered a baby. Which is crazy as have blessedly had three. But have not had a baby with the man that i love and that loves me. This makes me so sad and lost and regretful and ohh everything really. So God I need the support and ears of all you lovely mummies and never ever feel that you can not share your story as it is not just my thread but for all wretched souls past and present.
So glad for you Yaya that you had a joyful outcome. I feel furously not ready to give up. Will do what it takes - he and i deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing - it means a lot to me- I feel less alone and more hopeful and more connected.
Goodnight
And Justaboutback thank you for your wisdom
xx

Also wanted to say to Hedkandi that your post has touched me so and am feel priviliged to share it with you and hope it was not too painful to share it. Your baby boy sounds as if he is truly truly missed and that you little one will know him in her heart.
Thank you for being there

BB xx

Hello Justaboutback
I always wonder where you are justaboutback from? I imagine in my tainted mind at the the moment that you are just about back from somewhere tough but i hope i am wrong.
Glad you been footballing - with whom and how old are they -the footballers? If you have already told me then I am sorry but get so muddled with who is who sometimes.
Has been a hard weekend - Norfolk was beautiful and we saw real live seals on the beach. Amazing. But everything clouded and felt like even if I laughed - then the laughter was like sneezing - an impulse to funniness but inside i was not laughing.
Am as grey as the day and not able to engage at all properly with my children.
And am obsessed with families of all shapes and sizes and want to charge up to people and say 'cherish them'.
I know this is bizarre as am very very blessed with three wonderful children but feel somehow have never ever had a baby or toddler. Because him and I have not. And it is would so much be a manifestation of our love.
Did you watch Skellig tonight?
Was so touched by the father character's tears of sorrow when baby is on the edge of not making it through a heart defect.
It was a beautiful, unusually complex and spiritually awakened piece of tv.Am not going to Majorca - is not right. Too needy and on the edge of exploding with anxiety and sadness - and not fair on daughter.
So I know and I know and I read from my mumsnetters that it takes time and i hear you all but cannot imagine ever feeling joy again.
Thank you for being there and for checking and would love to know about your family and life if you wish to tell.
goodnight mummies
BB xx

Hello Justaboutbackfrom Kosovo
How lovely to hear you as real lady - yes I knew you were a lady of faith - and am so glad you are. It restores one faith to know there is faith. Have discussed with DP that MN is like a community - a faith community almost - as the kindness and selflessness of others overwhelms and moves me.
I am in education - if your little boy is two might he just be.. a boy? Often they do speak later, etc. I bet he is gorgeous come what may. Am sorry to hear about your father - are you nearby or is he in another part of the world? Have been to Yorkshire lately for work - it is so very beautiful in parts and very different from where I am.

I loved Skellig. Very spiritual - is he an angel or does he represent the need to believe, the power of hope? He is brought to life by the children - as we all are.
There is another sad sad lady living in post next to me tonight - she needs us.
BB xx